F%#@ You, 2005.

Everyone always says Happy New Year.

I thought it was time to flip the bird at the old one.
All in all, 2005 was not a bad year for me and mine, so outside of the usual stuff I bitch about I can't complain.

The last couple of New Years were really quiet for me, mostly just staying at home, or visiting with family. Having a kid, (now kids ) will do that to you.

I remember the New Years of old; I usually celebrated the big moment in one of three ways:

• Roaring Drunk, passed out somewhere. (Not as often as you'd think.)
• Bored out of my mind at a party I didn't want to go to.
• Between the legs of the woman of the moment. ( Personal Favorite)

But those days are kinda over now, and I think it might be for the better.

I'm not going to post my resolutions yet, Give me some time to decide, and I'll let you know.

Have a good one, and take pictures if you can.

Later.

One Hundred.

The great thing about having this blog is that it enables me to put my opinion, in my own words, out into the ether for all to see. Good or Bad, it doesn't matter if I come across as an asshole or a saint, at least I can say that these are my words and I stand behind them.
I'll admit if I'm wrong, and you know I'll gloat (just a little) if I'm right, but a least I had the balls to write something, even if you or someone else doesn't agree with what I say.

I'm a big fan of comments, and usually if I don't know who leaves them, I'll check through their profile and see what they write about or what their opinions are.
Nothing pisses me off more than some schmuck who'll leave a retarded, off topic, inflammatory comment; and yet this guy doesn't have the cohones to put his thoughts out there. They'll insult another persons writings, yet like the cheap fuck the are, can't find it in themselves to give others the same shot at their beliefs or opinions.
Don't come to the party unless you're willing to dance.

If you feel the need to insult others likes, dislikes and opinions, at least have yours out for others to see.

Not the topic I had planned for my 100th post, but it'll do.

Untitled

My Grandfather fell down today.

That in itself is a huge deal, but as a family we are kinda getting used to it. He's unstable on his feet, needs a walker and a scooter to get around, yet is intensely proud, refuses to ask for assistance, and seems unable to accept the fact that he cannot do everything he used to be able to do.

Today's occurrence required 3 stitches at the hospital, and we had to watch him for a while to make sure there were no symptoms of head trauma, as he had fallen a cut himself over his eye.

As I said before my Grandfather is a very proud man and he and my Grandmother have been one of the constants in my life. They have always been there, always been strong, independent people. It was always tough to see him as his condition has worsened, but to see him in emergency today, and to see the effect it has on my Grandmother was quite shocking.

When I think of my Grandfather the first thing that comes to mind is strength. To me he was always the strongest man in the world. Very outdoors and active, and always very there. When I was a kid it seemed like he could have lost an arm, called it a flesh wound, and continued chopping wood.
Watching him shaking with palsy, and bleeding while the doctor stitched him up made me realize how vulnerable he is now. How Human.

Deep inside I always felt that my Grandparents would outlive me, and to see them in any other light is quite disconcerting.

It rattles you, right at the very core.

No Sleep

The lack of sleep is really starting to suck ass.
As Joe said, I must be tired if all I can do is resort to shit and fart jokes.
(What makes you think it's a joke, motherfucker? That incident was based on real-life events.)
Once this kids sleep schedule calms down, it'll be easier to handle.
I think I'll have better luck prying the bottle out of my Drunk Uncle's hands.
(Doesn't everyone have a Drunk Uncle?)

You know what's funny; as tired as I am, at least I'm able to use spellcheck.

Later.

Gut Bomb

Too much coffee and too many treats.

My stomach is in rebellion.
And if you've read my previous post, I've had guests in the house all day, which means more coffee and more snacks.
I felt trouble brewing early on in the day:

(gurgle)

I was sure it was going to settle down, probably just nerves and lack of sleep. Have some more coffee to take the edge off. (That's like using more gunpowder to keep the canon under control.)

(gur-rr-gle)

Shit, there's company here now. Just sneak into the laundry room and let a squeaker out.
Oh my Christ! What the hell is that funky smell? Better close the door when I head back out. A coffee and biscotti will settle this right down.

(gurgle-rurgle)

Whoa, that coffee's not helping, maybe I'll just excuse myself to the bathroom for a moment...

(hurgle-gurgle)

Oh my god, it feels like I'm being turned inside out. I guess this is what giving birth feels like.. That must have been my water breaking.. What was that noise? Was that me? Oh Lord I think I'm gonna die, please Lord, let me get through this, and I'll never eat another burrito again. Oh no, here comes the gas... There's got to be something wrong with me, I can't believe it's possible to make that smell with the contents of one man's stomach... Try to reach the switch for the fan...hope that it can handle the strain.. Grab the counter for support....lean into it...hold on...hold on... there! Oh yes! Yes! I'm done! Hallelujah! I feel lightheaded...must reach toilet paper roll...Fuck! Three squares left! That's like bailing a lake with a Dixie cup! Well you do what you have to do...Better leave the fan on and air it out... Now to go back out and be sociable.

Why are they looking at me funny?
Maybe I'll just go into the kitchen and grab a coffee...

(gurgle)


(Rinse and repeat)

The Parade Begins

Today everyone is coming by to, as Seinfeld put it, "see the baby!"

An endless parade of people walking in and out of my house.

Hardly any sleep last night, and yet, due to my anal-retentiveness, I'm up early cleaning because no one in this world is going to see me with a messy house.

While they are all gawking at the kid, I'll be the one with the Dust Buster, sucking up crumbs.

Later.

Happy Birthday, Tristan

Yeah you read it right.

At 00:33 on December 26th, My #2 son entered into the world.
A strapping 8 pounds 9 ounces, he looks to be a charmer, following in the footsteps of his older brother and Father.

The nurses swooned, the paparazzi went crazy, and you knew he was mine 'cause there were groupies outside the birth room.

I'm never getting a good night's sleep again. Ever.

Later.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

Now that most of the holiday shit is over with, we can start realizing the most important event that happens during this time of year.

Boxing Day Sales!

70% off?, Buy one, get one free?

I'm getting mine, bitches.

See you at the mall.

Papal Problem

Is it just me or does this "New Pope" look evil?

I know I'm really far behind the times to be saying this, but I don't normally pay that much attention to the Catholic Church.

Maybe it's the way he has that evil gleam in his eye, maybe it's that he's German, but something about this guy bugs me.

Lets start with the German thing. First of all, let me say that not all Germans are evil. But this guy looks like he was old enough to have been around when there were real bad Germans out there. Did they do a good background check on him? Can you place his whereabouts prior to 1945? If someone says he was the village priest at Auschwitz, that would be a clue that somethings not right. And look at that face. Put a tiny black mustache under his nose, and BAM! - Hitler.

He does have that nasty look going on. Reminds me of that old man from Family Guy. You know the one I mean, the pedophile. Looks like he just had an alter boy for lunch and is eyeing you up for a light snack. Reminds me of the look the Emperor had before the end of Episode 3. "Cardinal Vader?" "Yes, my master?" "Rise, it's time for confessional."

And the name he has picked. Benedict. Benedict Arnold, anyone? Huh? Traitor to the revolution? What's this guy trying to hint at? He's hinting there's not going to be any church reform, except that from now on, all alter boys will wear butt-less chaps. (Like most of them didn't already.) I think that's the Evil Tip Off. The name's the hint, the looks just natural.

I'm sure that the church will sue me, or hunt me down and exorcise me, (I've seen what they did to Emily Rose, I think I can handle it.) But as long as they don't haul be to the Death Star - I mean Vatican, I should be OK. At least in the cell-blocks there it's not bread and water; it's crackers and wine.

Later.

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Today is the Wife's due day.

Yes people, today is supposed to be the day my new progeny would enter the world.
But so far, no dice. There's not much you can do but wait it out, and that's all that can be done right now. ( Actually there's all sort of freaky stuff you can try, but I'm not really in the mood for half of it.) And since I'm not the one packing the kid around right now, I don't really have a problem with waiting.

The Wife is a different matter.

If this child was to burst from her chest a'la Alien, I think she would be happy just to have it out. I must admit, it's got to be hard carrying all that around for the last nine months, although to hear her tell it, she's been carrying me around for the last nine years. Right..... She's in her own little world on that one.

The closer we get to the big day, the more I hope this one turns out just as well as the Boy. But that would be too much luck in one spot, and lord knows I've got some bad karma floating around somewhere. If it's half as good it'll still be better than most of the kids I see on a daily basis.

Plus, if it's born on Christmas, I'm calling him Jesus. (Like I'll get away with that.)

"He Looks Like A Pink Nightmare"

Everyone has some type of Christmas tradition.

Some people go to church, some go skiing, the homeless....stay homeless, but for me and mine, every year there are certain movies that I have to watch, just to get some semblance of seasonal cheer.

• A Christmas Story - This is the one. If I don't catch some of the others, I can live, but sometime during the Holidays I have to watch this. For some reason I just love this movie. I think it's the family dynamic, or maybe the fact that it's just fuckin' hilarious.
• Christmas Vacation - Boy, big shocker here. Everybody and their dog watches this one. I prefer the DVD to what you see on TV, but we've all seen the TV version a thousand times.
• Merry Fucking Christmas - What? How did that get there?
• Bad Santa - It wasn't Christmas when I first saw it, but this movie makes the list this year. Some of the shit they pull off in this movie, just makes me laugh 'till it hurts
• Charlie Brown Christmas - Oh come on, everyone loves this one! With the fucked up Christmas tree, and Lucy trying to get into Schroeder's pants, it's a holiday classic! Best line ever: Whaa Whaa wawa Wha. - Charlie Brown's Teacher.

I know there's probably lots of movies I missed that I do watch and kinda remember, but with so much going on at this time of year, you end up missing a couple.

What are the movies you like to watch over the Holidays? Really old shit or do you like the more modern fare? I can't stand the older stuff, but I'll watch it if I've had enough egg nog.

But I'll do just about anything if I've had enough nog.

Later.

Kringle, Kris Kringle...

Took the boy to see Santa tonight.

He reacted way better than last year, which was to say he didn't cry, have a freaker and try to stab Santa. He understands that there is a man in a suit, who doesn't look like anybody else he's ever seen, and we want him to sit in this guys lap and smile. No fucking way. He'll walk up, take the present, say thank you like he's been taught, and then he wants nothing to do with that guy.

What shocked me was when I asked him if he didn't like Santa. He said "That not Santa, Daddy, that man in suit." He said Santa was at the North Pole and that was just a "pretend Santa". This from the kid who still occasionally shits his pants? He can see through lies and subterfuge, but can't see fit to plant a coiler in the shitter?

What a crappy and thankless job that must be. If you aren't cheerful enough, people will get mad 'cause you are ruining it for the kids, yet if you are too enthusiastic, then you are probably a closet pedophile. And the kids, oh my lord the kids; some of the little buggers I saw tonight I wouldn't let in the front door of my house, forget about sitting on my lap. Fat, dirty, smelly, snotty, ugly, whiny, and spastic. It's like the seven dwarves of childhood trauma. I'd rather breast-feed a cheese shredder than deal with some of that crap.

Where do you go to get that job? What qualifications do you have to have? Does Worker's Compensation cover lap related accidents? Is there a test? There must be some sort of training program or minimum level of education needed, otherwise you'd see homeless people lining up for the job. Although the standards can't be too high, otherwise how to you explain the schmoes that do it in this town? I think the guy who was doing it tonight had lost a bet or something.

Yet some how the magic is still in the air. The blatant commercialism of Christmas has yet to stomp out the actual meaning of the season. Now if we could just remember what that was....

I F@$#%* Hate Shopping.

I go on holidays in two days.

Most of my shopping is done, except for a couple of people, mainly the Wife.

Been too busy working to really get it done, so now I'm gonna have to fight the crowds to get this shit over with.
The most frustrating part is that I know exactly what I am going to get. I'm just pissed that I'm going to have to wade through a sea of imbeciles to get the items I need.

I think I should take a large stick with me and swing it wildly around my head to clear a path. Alas, in this post 9/11 world, I would get jumped by about 5 different government agencies, two of which would be from our "Retarded cousin to the south." (Take that Tucker Carlson, I got a whole other blog entry for you, shmuck.)

I think I'll just have to bite the bullet, or at least carry a few rounds with me. I'm gonna put on my Happy Christmas Face,( "Now with 10% more Insanity!") and just tough it out. I know a lot of you think I'm exaggerating, but I'd rather shop in almost any other place than here. The ignorant butt-heads around this joint seem to come out in force whenever I decide to go downtown.

If you don't hear from me again, pour a Timmy's on the curb.

Later.

If There Were Boobs, I'd Watch It.

Watching Television at this time of year is excruciatingly painful.
There is nothing really good on, just seems to be the same crap and drivel that's always there, except now it's Christmas Themed crap and drivel.

Does anybody even watch Fear Factor anymore? Why is that show still on? What's the point? All it has is a couple of stunts, ( you can't get hurt, there's safety equipment everywhere,) and eating something gross. Where's the challenge in that? Hell, in high school I used to do stunts; walking to school without being run over was one, and using the shittier at the school was the other. And eating something gross? I'd go down on a girl with a yeast infection and call it a light snack.

But back to the TV. Is there nothing original out anymore? And I mean something with some standards to it, not this smaltzy-holiday made-for-TV shit they splatter the airwaves with, hoping to tug at your heartstrings long enough for you to feel guilty and buy your drunk uncle "The Clapper" 'cause you saw it during a commercial.

I wouldn't mind seeing something that would catch my attention like The Charlie Brown Christmas Special did. ( Before it was aired for the 12 millionth time) And I recall how The Grinch was such a good, funny story, or it was until I saw it a couple of nights ago. Dr Seuss was a hack, and I swear that the fucker was stoned when he wrote that shit. And I'm not letting my kid watch some junkie's wet dream that's been drawn by a retarded guy with no depth perception.

I gots to put my foot down somewhere.

Maybe I'll just shut the goddamn TV off, and go and take my son outside.

Right after CSI.

Man Of The Year.

I just about pissed myself when I saw that Time Magazine had picked Bono as one of it's People of the Year. I've been checking Joe's Blog every 15 minutes since I got home. I'm just waiting for his take on the whole thing. His hatred of the B-Man is almost legendary, and as constant as the passage of time.

I can't begrudge the Bill Gates choice either. The guy makes a shitload of money, but he also dumps a lot of it back into the community. I don't think that it's such a big distiction, last year they picked Dubya, and now they're just trying to make up for it.

They got a long way to go.

Later.

Anger

You know, family really pisses me off sometimes.

There are moments when I find it hard that I am related ( by blood, no less!) to these people.

We had The Boy's birthday party today. 2:00 pm to be precise. Told my family about it a week ago, when my brother was up. Laid down the time frame, made sure they all knew about it.

I get a call from my Mother at around noon, and she tells me that they won't be coming. Now my parents live about 45 minutes north of town, and I understand that weather plays an important part in driving, but when you tell me that you can't make it in because you are worried about frost on the roads, and it's +2 and sunny in town, then I have a problem. Now, my parents not coming raises another issue. What about my Grandparents? They live on the north side of town, don't have a vehicle, and my parents would be their method of transportation. I ask if they are still coming, because if I have to go get them, then I'll have to leave ASAP to get then here on time.
I'm told that my Grandmother has a bad cold and can't come. If she's not going there's no way my Grandfather is, not by himself, and I know that's not gonna happen. Ok then, I ask if my Aunt and Uncle, who live in the same place as my parents, are coming. My Mother doesn't know but says she'll find out. Says she'll see us later in the week.

Of course you will. It's fucking Christmas. I have to see all of you.

My Aunt calls 5 minutes later and cancels for the same reason.

Great. We have a party for My Son, and the only people from my family that show up is my 13 year old nephew and his youngest brother. Meanwhile my Wife's family has 14 people show up. We can tell which family shows more respect for the Boy now, can't we?

And that's what it's all about. Respect. I hope that you Respect me enough to try and make it to the kid's party, even if you had to leave early. I hope that you Respect me and mine enough to have your kids behave themselves when they are in my house, and to let them have Respect for themselves by not showing up looking like castoffs from Oliver Twist.
Cap-it-al Fucking R-e-s-p-e-c-t, Respect. Aretha sang about it, try and show some of it.

It doesn't totally fuck my day over, but I was frustrated by my family's no-show and embarrassed at what family did show up. ( You'll have to ask Joe the details; trust me it's a whole other blog entry.)

But the Boy had a great time after all, and he didn't even notice what family weren't there, and he ignored the ones that were acting weird. So he had a good day, and that's what counts.

But I'm still fucking mad.
I usually let shit slide, be the bigger man, but fuck it. I'll call it when I see it, and this is bullshit.

Nursing a grudge through the holidays?..........Nice.

Talk The Talk.

I'm in a rut.

Lately all I do is work, eat, have some quality time with the family, sleep, and then start it all over again in the morning.
I'm digging the job right now, and I'm cool on hangin' with the Boy, but after going to Vancouver and then doing the staff party thing, I'm kinda in the mood to "stretch my legs". I think I just need some release, and to have some deep, meaningful conversation.

Gotcha, didn't I? Those of you who normally read this probably thought I was going to say deep meaningless sex. Well, that's not what this is about. I'd like to have a long, interesting conversation with someone who knows what they want to say. The Boy is great and all, but a thirty-minute chat about what that pile of Play-Dough looks like is starting to wear thin.

I'd love to talk about what's going on outside of the house, about things that are happening in the world, hell about almost anything, really. I'd even have a debate with one of those retards who refuse to say "Merry Christmas" this time of year.

I guess it's because of the holidays. Everyone is in a rush, you are sucked out of your usual routine, and all you have time for is inane chatter with people you normally wouldn't see, unless it was to testify at a paternity hearing.

So until this rush-about, bullshit filled season is over I'm gonna have to wait until the peeps are free and then grab a cup of Java at Timmy's. It's the only way to make it through. Good luck making the schedules work out, but hey, it'll happen eventually.

Later.

Envy

My brother just got a Video iPod.

Until this time, I was not really into the whole iPod phenomenon. I would hear people speak of them, see someone wearing one, and witnessed the rabid ferocity with which it's supporters defend their product on the net.
I didn't really want one.
All that hype, and the price tag was just a bit out of my reach. I figured I would be happier with a lower end mp3 player, and leave all "those" people to their white ear-buds and weird commercials. I know that U2 has an iPod, and if Bono's endorsing it, I know Joey's not going anywhere near it. ( Thus was the extent of my research.)

But I got to hold one in my hands.
I got to examine it closely, and play with it for a while.

Oh God, I want one so bad.

It's a lot more than what I had imagined, and that's not including the picture and video capabilities. It's like sweet music and funky technology hopped in the sack and fucked like bunnies. I would call it "My Precious", and I would hold it and love it and squeeze it all day long......

But I digress.
I'll admit that I was wrong.
In my brief time that I got to enjoy the product, I kept thinking how neat and intuitive it was. It seemed really well designed. Cool features and nice workmanship make a well rounded product.

To Steve Jobs: Nice work, and I hope to get one someday.
To My Brother: If yours goes missing, don't look at me.

Making A List, Checking It Twice...

What's with all the lists?

Always at this time of year, people start coming out with their "Best of" and "Worst of" lists.
Here's a question, Who Fucking Cares?

You know I'm the last guy to bitch about a list of stuff. Hell I enjoy telling you all how I feel in list form quite often. But what drives me nuts is that these lists are everywhere. Every publication has a list, every sect and organization has a list, every fucking retard with an opinion and a form of communication feels the need to tell you how his favorite things stacked up this year. Half the time its all the same shit, or at least the same type of crap as the year before. It's easy to do; check it out.

Favorite Shit From Last Year:

1. Just about every blowjob I received. ( There were a few so-so, but why complain?)
2. DVD's
3. Random Music.

Favorite Shit From This Year:

1. Just about every blowjob I received.
2. DVD's
3. Random Music.

So what's changed? Nothing! Sure, some of the movies and music might be different, but it's still the same list. Why? Because I like Movies and Music, (and blowjobs) that's never gonna change.

The only list that should be acceptable is changes from the norm.

I know you like movies, so don't tell me that shit. Tell me the best new food you tried, or a list of the easiest women you know, or something that will make the list useful to me. I don't care if you liked Harry Potter, millions of other people did too, I get the picture, it's a good movie. But if you tell me the best new dish you tried was scallops and bacon eaten off the ass of a 21-year old personal trainer, then I might be interested in trying that out.

Make sure to keep that in mind when creating your list, and everything should be just fine.

And pass the bacon.

Every Inambition

Why do some people even get out of bed?

I really loathe dealing with people's piss-poor attitude when it comes to work.
Show some drive! Some intensity! I'm not saying you have to be doing cartwheels around the joint, but for Christ-sakes, look like you want to be here.

Are you unhappy in your work? Then fucking leave. I got no time to sit and listen to you bitch about how hard you have it, or how you think the world has shit on you.
Think you can do better somewhere else? Go ahead, walk away. I have no use for you if all you think about is yourself and not the people around you or the company that pays your goddamn salary.

Just because you showed up does not mean I owe you a paycheck. That's why it's called working, otherwise it would be called drop-in-money-time. You are not "doing me a favor" by being here with your shitty attitude, I'd rather not have you here at all, or at least get a trained ape in there to replace you. Sure, the ape will be hurling its own feces around, but it will be doing it with a smile on it's face.

Want to earn more money? Work Harder. Show me that you are worth the investment. Why would I give good money to someone who hates working here as much as you do?
As I said earlier, if you don't want to be here, don't show up. Then I get to can your lousy ass and bring in someone who wants to work.

Like the ape.

Pledging Allegiance

I was reading Hank's blog, and I got to thinking, (I know, it's a dangerous thing.)
What seems to be the fascination some people have with telling the entire world, (or at least the surrounding neighborhood,) who you are planning to vote for?

I thought it was supposed to be a secret ballot.

What's the point of sticking a sign in your lawn and then having to go into a booth and vote?
Do you think that by having that sign on your lawn you are going to change the mind of the people around you?

" I'm troubled on who to vote for dear"

" What seems to be the problem honey?"

" Well I like the way Sam mows his lawn, so I was thinking of voting Liberal."

" But what about how the Thompson's have their Christmas lights? That would make me want to go Conservative."

"Maybe..."

" And then there's the Smiths, their voting NDP."

"Fuck them, their dog shits on our lawn"

Anyone who is swayed by a lawn sign is a waste of what might pass for brain cells.

Inversely, if you don't have a sign, does that mean you aren't voting?

Why aren't you passionate enough about your choices in who gets to run our country to not put a sign out there?

If we all had signs, we wouldn't even have to vote, they'd just send some guys around to count the signs. Biggest total wins. Extra points for signs with pictures, or a really big "X" or check-mark beside the name

I all know is I agree with Hank.

Although he hates the signs because they are Conservatives, and I just hate them because they're signs.

A Difficult Task

I've had hard jobs before.
I've been there when a goal was set, and when others said it was too arduous to do, I did it.
I've fired people who broke down and cried afterwords.
I've had a multitude of things to do at once, and completed them all.

But the hardest job in the world is teaching a 2 year old not to shit in his diapers.

Instead of torturing the prisoners in Abu-Ghraib, they should have had them potty train kids ages 2 to 3.
Trying to explain to someone not to shit their pants when all they've done for 2 years is do nothing but shit their pants is pretty difficult.
I had somebody tell me tonight how much trouble they were having housebreaking their dog.
"Ha! Try teaching a kid" I said. " At least you get to rub their nose in it and hit 'em with a newspaper."
I suggested the newspaper trick to the Wife; she didn't go for it.
She won't even let me lay newspaper on the floor.

The Boy's not dumb. He understands what is going on. He uses the toilet to pee all the time. But doing Number Two on there? No Fucking Way. I have to admit, if I had someone around to wipe my ass all the time, I wouldn't be too thrilled about changing the program either.

Maybe it's because we flushed the dead goldfish down there. Maybe he doesn't want to shit on fishy heaven.
I figured I could buy him off, but if he craps anything like his old man, it's gonna cost me a fortune.

Solutions are what I need.
And please, don't say put a cork in it.

Open Letter To Holiday Shoppers.

I fucking hate you. All of you.
You stand around like cattle, blocking the aisles, and taking up space that could be used by productive shoppers like myself.

I know what I'm getting others.
I have a general idea where that item is located in the store.
I am willing to purchase the item when I pick it up.
So get the fuck out of my way and let me get my shit done!

Each minute that I am around idiotic inbred morons like you I die a little inside.
If you listen closely, the sound you hear is my soul screaming to kill you, and the urge is only being held in check by the sheer force of will.
The fact that you were able to dress yourself and find your way here is a major fucking breakthrough, and I'm sure you are as proud of that fact as I am proud of myself for not picking up and throwing random items at you.

The sight of you fat fuckers lined up at the checkout like pigs at the trough make my dislike for this holiday even more intense. The slack-jawed look you present to the world is enough to make me lose my lunch.

I hate you.
With as much animosity and vitriol as I can muster, let me say it again.
I fucking hate you all.





(God it's wonderful shopping with the Wife at Wal-Mart.)

But Can It Wipe My Ass?

Chatting with others about cellphones tonight.
One of the individuals, (who does not have a cell,) says "I'll get one when is has GPS and a MP3 player, that's what I need."
Nowadays it seems like every commercial for a cellphone touts some new advancement or innovation. First it was ringtones, then cameras, now TV and videos. When is it going to end?
( I have to say I'm a fan of the phone/mp3 combo, just so I have only one device to carry.)

What would you like to see in a cellphone? Any type of outrageous add-on? How far are the companies willing to go to capture more customers?

My forecast for the future:

• Buy the phone, get a blowjob. (Most successful product rollout ever.)
• For the ladies - special "attachment" for your vibrating phone, uses 15 minute ringtone.
• The Dick Tracy wristwatch cellphone.
• Cellphone Gun.- Great for the mean streets of the 'Shwa.
• The Loser cellphone - preloaded hawt chicks numbers, and they've already call-blocked you.
• The DIY cellphone - box of parts, instructions in ancient hieroglyphics.
• The G.W. Bush Cellphone - Just one big button with daddy on speed dial.

Some great ideas, eh? If any of these come out soon I'll know that Nokia's been scanning the blog. Who knows what kind of crap they'll throw out next, and being the consumer whores we are, some jerk-wad will pay big money for it.

Writing this has reminded me, I have to go charge my cell, luckily the wife's vibrator uses the same adapter.......

(She'll be pissed if she reads this.)

It's A Sliding Scale.

Talking with Joe and McQuarrie tonight.
Excellent conversation, good coffee, brewed by challenged people behind the counter. ( Soon we will walk in there and the coffee will be served by monkeys hurling fecal matter.)

I have a new insight into the unemployment problem in this town and many across Canada. Most of the people that aren't working must be horrendously stupid. Because if a major coffee chain such as the one I frequent has to stoop to hiring these type of people, the ones they've turned down must be lacking in gross motor function, or be unable to tell up from down.

Hey now, before you go thinking I'm a bastard, ( and you'd be right, ) I have done hiring and firing for a Major Multinational Corporation. Sure, it was on a small local area, but the same principle applies. Just because they have a heartbeat and the ability to fog up a mirror doesn't mean you should hire them. If they do the above and have a great rack, fine, hire away, but otherwise no go. And this leads us to the following:

The Awesome Rules of Hiring and Firing.

1. The shorter the skirt, the longer the interview.
2. Comments like " no gag reflex" and " gymnast level flexibility" should be duly noted and recorded in file.
3. Document everything, take pictures if they'll let you.
4. If the resume has a coversheet, it's a good sign. If it has a centerfold, even better.
5. Try to avoid questions about "morals" and "scruples" and focus on meaningful stuff like "open relationships" and "bi-curious".
6. If they seem distracted or edgy, offer them a drink of water. If they are hawt, offer some Rohypnol.
7. When terminating the employee, mid-coitus is not recommended. Post-Donkey Punch is even worse.
8. Try to get "one for the road". If that doesn't work, fudge income reports to government.
9. Make sure all paperwork is completed and proper filing is done. Hand out photos and phone numbers to friends.
10. Make sure any reference given is succinct and to the point. "Great Cans" will do just fine.

I think that if most employers would follow just a few simple steps the overall work experiance would be much more satisfactory for all of us.

Future Imperfect

I work with a lot of teenagers.
Not as many as when I worked at The Arches, but quite a few nonetheless.
In speaking to them , as I am wont to do, I've noticed a couple of things:

1. The girls, almost without exception, have their lives planned out for the next 5 years. This includes college or university, and any travel plans they might also have. They have pretty much chosen a career path and have identified the steps that are needed to fulfill that goal.
2. The guys have no fucking clue as to what's going on. No plans, no goals, nothing.

Now, this doesn't really worry me, as I will bow down to our new matriarchal overlords when the time is right, but the fact that none of these guys seem to have a clue astonishes me. I don't think I was that dumb when I was that age, and if I was, it was because I was too busy thinking about pussy. And with the stuff these young nubile young women tell me, these guys are retards when it comes to that area too.

I'm not sure what we can do to stop this flood of slacker incompetents who are going to go out into the world, but from all accounts, at least they aren't breeding.

At least not well.

Synaptic Lag.

You know, I had a great thought going on earlier today.
Couldn't wait to post about it, as I know all of you out there hunger for my opinions and observations.
( Really, I appreciate it, Thanks for coming out.)

Sat down in front of the highly sophisticated piece of plastic that has slowly come to rule my life, and promptly forgot everything I was going to write about.

I tried everything.

I retraced my steps around the house, tried to recall some of the conversations I had today, looked at some porn, you know, stuff that would jog my mind and help me remember.

Nothing worked.

I could have just got up and walked away, I could have tried something else, hell, I could have looked at more porn. But being the guy I am, I figured when there's nothing to post, just post about nothing. Seinfeld was a whole show about nothing, can't I just do one little post?

Is it wrong? Too fucking bad. I'm publishing this piece of drivel and that's that.

Victims.

Ever met a victim?

I don't mean the victim of a crime, or anything fancy like that, I just mean one of those people who feel that the most important thing the universe has to accomplish is to make their life as miserable as possible. And just in case you are slightly doubtful, they will systematically tell you exactly how the cosmos has fucked them over.

Aren't they wonderful?

Nothing makes me feel better about my situation in life than listening to one of these schmucks go off for a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I don't actually care what's happening to them, it's just that normally most of the shit they complain about is so petty that it makes me feel better. My problems are real, theirs are just mini- crisis which help them connect the different time periods of the day, much like you or I would use a watch.

"My boss is the worse boss around. Oh, I know yours beat you and embezzled the employee pension plan, but mine asks me to be at my desk on time! How am I supposed to talk to anyone if that ogre makes me work?"

"Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I know how you feel; I have this hangnail that's been bugging me all day."

Some times these shitheads get so bent out of shape over the littlest thing that it completely ruins their whole fucking day. Something pissed you off at 9am? We'll hear about it for the next ten hours. Or somebody will hear about it, I'll tune you out so fast you'd think The Hip were playing on the radio.

At least these losers help me have a positive outlook on life. But I can't tell them that, they would just be mad about somebody else stealing all their happiness.

Victims.
God Bless 'em.

The Walls Have Ears, Eyes And A Mouth.

What's your reputation?

Good, Bad, or other...everyone has some type of reputation.

In a small town like the one I live in, it's not six degrees of separation, it's like 2.5.
Anywhere you go, someone knows you or knows about you, whether you like it or not.
For a guy, it's not normally a horrible thing, even a bad reputation can be good sometimes.

Have a rep as a hard case? Nobody fucks with you.
Have a rep for being fast and loose with the opposite sex? Everybody fucks you. (Or wants to.)
Have a reputation for not caring about reputations? Then everyone tells you the dirt on everybody else.

Once a bad reputation is established, however, changing it can be a bitch. Most of the time you are either trying to explain or justify past actions, or completely denying total falsehoods that have attached themselves to you. I find that with my reputation (in some circles,) if I did half of the things they say I did, I would be a legend of porn-like status, with no time to eat or sleep because I'm too busy cavorting with obviously loose-tongued women.

But a good reputation is a thing of gold.

If you have a rep for being a hard working guy who thinks big and gives 100% in everything he does, then doors will open for you in your chosen profession. Reputation for honesty and diligence? Keep that puppy fresh, it's a limited quantity nowadays.

But back to the original question: What's your reputation? Do you like it? Good or Bad? Evil? Have you tried to change it? Do you care? Am I going to stop asking things or do I have a hard on for the question mark?

Some of these can be answered I'm sure.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

For the first time in years, I'm actually getting a little bit excited about Christmas.
As I have said previously, I don't really like Christmas all that much. Too much hype and bullshit for my tastes. All the crap with being nice all the time just rubs me the wrong way.

But this year seems different.

The Boy is just about 3 now,( he hits that milestone on the 21st,) and he is so pumped about Christmas. He loves to talk about Santa and the Reindeer and all that shit. It's cool to see firsthand how someone can completely buy into the mythology. It gets me going, and I find that I'm telling him all the stuff I was told when I was younger, and of course giving it my own little twist. ( Everyone knows Santa brings beer and whores for Daddy, right?)

It's to the extreme that I'm putting up lights on the house. Never done that before. Never cared. Now we need lights "So Santa can find our house." The things I do for this kid.

It must be really cool to enjoy everything so much 'cause you are either seeing it or understanding it for the first time. Everything is new and exciting.

And from his point of view, I betcha even chicks with A-cups look like they got huge melons!

Ah... to be young again.

Drunk & Disorderly

So like I said, I went to the Grey Cup.
Started drinking at about 10. In the morning.

Yeah, I'm a retard.

I got so shitfaced I only lasted about 1 Quarter or so.
Started causing a ruckus in the bathroom, and then the cops showed up.
They were going to throw me in the drunk tank, but luckily one of the people from the group I had came with vouched for me, and I was allowed to go back to the bus.

Did I enjoy myself? Hell yeah.
Slightly embarrassed? Oh yeah.

Got back to Victoria and crashed at the hotel. Had a great sleep, and woke up feeling no pain.

There is so much I'm not telling you right now.

I think I'll keep it that way.

One Of Those Days.

Ever have one of those days when you know you have a lot of stuff to do, but just can't seem to get your ass moving?
Today is my day.
I have lots that I have to do, stuff to get ready for the baby, things to get ready for going to the Grey Cup tomorrow, and just some general stuff around the house.
But I really don't feel like doing any of it.
I know that I'll get it all done, it'll just take a mad dash of energy, and a couple of hours of intensive labour.
That's why I'm content to sit on my grande posterior and not do a damn thing.
Procrastination: It's how I roll.

Coffin Nails

It's been 3 years since I had a cigarette.

That's a lie.

It's been 3 years since I smoked regularly, I have had the occasional puff while I was loaded, but never did pick up the habit again.

So why am I talking about this?

As I mentioned here, I'm working in the more "rural" area of town now. Out here, everybody smokes. Guys smoke, girls smoke, teachers smoke, doctors smoke. Hell, I swear I saw a toddler bumming a light from a kid in a stroller. It's like the neighborhood pastime out here. That and playing hide the salami with your next-of-kin.

But the thing that bugs me the most is the smell.
Now just to clarify, not all smokers smell. But the ones who do, reek like they took a shit, wiped their ass with a tobacco leaf, rolled that leaf, smoked it, and kept the ashes in their coat pocket.
It's enough to make you want to slap them.

When I smoked, I was very aware of the odor. I chewed gum, ('cause I deal with the public, and the ladies like the minty-fresh breath) washed my clothes, and if I did smoke in the car, which was rarely, I rolled the window down. I was a clean smoker, not like some of the smelly dirtbags I've seen recently.

But you know what? Sometimes, deep down, at my very core ( right next to where I keep the desire to tag these two,) I really want to smoke again. I miss it. I used to love smoking. The taste, the nicotine high, the social aspect of it, all of the little bits and pieces ( like bronchi) that make up the average smoker.

Would I? Probably not. With a kid already and another on the way, I'm not worried about my health as much as theirs. But I'm the type of guy who said he'd never download movies. ( See previous post.) If my stress level reaches it's maximum, who knows what will happen.

Like a ticking time bomb, we'll just have to wait and see.....

Aaarrrggghhh.

I'm a pirate.
Yes, I'll admit, (unless you are from the RIAA or MPAA,) I do occaisonally download materials off teh Internet that I should have purchased in a store.

What's my justification?

Oh, I could tell you that I think it's wrong to support record companies that are mass producing inane drivel, and I could say that downloading a movie I would not go see in the theatre doesn't hurt anybody, or that paying $20 for a CD with one good song is just sheer stupidity.
Why do I do it?

Because I'm cheap.

I used to be the guy who would listen to the radio and tape that one song he wanted, even if it was only played at 2:45am on a Sunday night. I would be a bag of shit at school the next day, but I got my own copy of "Seventeen" by Winger. Who cares if two weeks later it was being played every ten minutes; I had it first.

Nowadays I use it for research. If I hear a song from a band I like, I'll download one or two more songs, just to see if they are not one hit wonders. If they aren't? Well then, I download the rest of the stuff, ..... like I'm gonna give HMV any of my hard earned money.

I used to just limit my downloading to music. I felt that movies, especially DVD's, were sacrosanct, and should be purchased to support the industry. If I didn't buy their movies, how would they afford all the great CGI that I have come to know and love? But then they had to go and make shitty movies like "Stealth" and "Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3-D" Any industry that can produce steaming piles of feces like that only gets my money for top-quality, worthwhile films.

Do I have any limits to my privateering ways? Who knows. Will the police press charges if they read this? Maybe not. Until then, I'll set my P2P program to the second star from the right, and I'll download until morning.

Later.

Same %$#&!, Different Pile.

So I've been transferred.
What does that mean you ask? Not much of a change of jobs as a change of scenery.
Instead of being 2 minutes from home and being able to walk to work, I'll be 20 minutes by car and out in the "rural" area. Hippies and Farmers, here I come.
The good thing is that I'll be able to listen to music on the commute, and I'll finally be able to contribute to a rant when Joe bitches about what he listens to on the way to work.
The bad thing? Not much really. I'm a little nervous about going there, as I feel that my abilities have been hyped somewhat prior to my arrival, and I just hope that I can fulfill those expectations.

Holy Shit, If I talked about my feelings anymore I'm going to have to grow a vagina.
That would be sweet.....

More input from the outskirts of town later.

Parlez -Vous Fuck You.

There was a post on the forums the other day, asking what people think would happen if Quebec ever seceded from Canada.
The question wasn't really answered, but there was quite a heated debate about succession.
There were some forumites who were from Quebec, and to try to talk to them about the reasons for seceding was like trying to talk to a wall. Not all of them were like that, but the ones who were "into" the separatist movement were pretty die-hard about it.
I did not comment in the forums, mainly because I was so fucking outraged, and I wanted to try and hear all points of view.
One of the opposing people asked "What would you do in an independent Quebec that you can't do now?"
That is the $25,000 question right there.
I feel that Quebec is like the spoiled brat of Canada.
You knew kids like that when you were in elementary school, the ones that had parents that gave them everything, the teacher would dote on them like the sun shone out of their ass, and yet they would still bitch and complain about every little thing. They could not realize how good they had it.
Find any other country in the world that recognizes one of it's provinces, states or territories as "a culturally distinct society" and I'll show you a country just as retarded as Canada has been. Does the U.S. recognize Louisiana as a distinct society? What about Iraq? Were all those Kurds given special treatment because of there cultural differences?. I don't think so.

Why is it that you don't hear British Columbians talking about leaving Canada? We are probably better suited for it then Quebec, (I'm not 100% sure on that, but hey, it's my blog) and would be more economically viable, especially with Pacific Rim trading, and imports.
But you never hear B.C.'ers talk about leaving Canada. I think that's because we look at ourselves as Canadians first and B.C.'ers second. Why is that? The west has been screwed over by Ottawa far more often and more severely than Quebec ever has.

Maybe because I feel so passionately about the issue is why I'll never understand it. But I've met people from Ontario, (who are at the centre of power in Canada,) who feel that Quebec is the spoiled one. Talk to anyone from Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, or the Maritimes and you'll hear the same thing. Hell, you'll probably hear it from some of the anglophones in Quebec.

Now if you have one province saying the rest of Canada sucks and treats them like shit, and the rest of Canada feels that this province should just take the sweet deal they already have and shut the fuck up, who's right?

On the other hand, those whiny, bitchy kids from elementary school? They never learned how good they had it until their parents kicked them out, cold and hungry into the real world.

I Feel : Episode 3

1. That in order to get a driver's licence, your should have to have a neural scan done, just to make sure all the synapses are firing .
2. That if you ever lock your keys in your car, every person you have ever met will show up within 5 minutes to laugh at you.
3. Most people aren't born stupid, a lot of them just work really, really hard at it.
4. That Obi-Wan should have bitch-slapped Anakin earlier on. I mean, waiting and then cutting his legs off? And some people bitch about spankings.
5. That if I had the laser gun that Bish was talking about, I'd snipe people's houses. But I would only ignite their stash of Jiffy Pop.
6. The amazing thing about technology is that everything keeps getting smaller, except TVs, which will soon need there own postal codes.
7. That some of the porn shown on said gigantic TVs will be truly awe inspiring.

Only seven today. Not much time to spare. Help me finish the list.

"A Good Name Is Better Than Precious Ointment".

That quote's from the Bible, yo.
The Wife and I are somewhat at a deadlock on what to name the soon-to-be-born youngling.
We think it's going to be a girl, and have a great name already picked out. It's the boy name we are having trouble with. Everything she picks, I hate, and vice versa. I loathe looking at the name sites on the internet, as it seems to cause a small hemorrhage in my brain from sheer overload.

I need suggestions.

You have to keep in mind that, in my obsessive-compulsive way, I'll analyse all variations of suggested names for nicknames, put-downs, whatever. I'm funny that way. But still, all suggestions are welcome.

Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.

The End Of An Era

You know, the thing I like best about blogging every day is that it gives me a slightly different outlook on things. Some days I can't think of anything to write about, and other days I come across stuff and think, "I can't wait to put this into the blog." The thing that helped me the most is writing on my lunch hour.
You see, all these rants and shit are done when I'm at home for lunch. I have the house to myself, 'cause the Boy is at the sitters and the Wife is at work. I have the house to myself, can play what music I want, and write without anyone looking over my shoulder.

All that is going to end.

The Wife starts her Maternity leave tomorrow. (Yes, I will have spawned another by the end of December.) That means that when I come home for lunch, I'm not going to have time for myself. I 'll have to be sociable and do the family thing. (Not that I don't like doing the family thing, but this is messing with my routine, and I'm a very routine type of guy.) Another problem is that the Wife doesn't know about the blog. She might be pissed that I share some of my thoughts and feelings with the anonymous masses on teh Internet, and not pour my heart out to her. Who knows? I'm going to tell her about it, just because I want to keep doing it.

So I may not be as frequent between updates, but I will try. I'll just have to change my routine. I won't be like some guys (ahem...Joe) who rarely update, but bear with me and I hope to be doing this for a long time to come.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I'm pretty sure that, per capita, B.C. has the shittiest drivers in Canada.
I'm doubly sure that C.R. has the worst drivers in B.C.
The sense of rage I felt today just driving to work was overwhelming. There was a multitude of infractions, ranging from cutting people off to running red lights. Different cars, different people, one town, all retards.
I understand that for some people, driving is stressful.
I understand that morning rush hour, (what little the hometown has,) is a difficult time to be on the road.
But if you can't obey the simple rules of the road, at least obey the rules of common courtesy and common sense.
(I don't know why we call it "common" courtesy, it's not that common anymore.)
Please pull your head out of your ass, put the cell phone down, both hands on the wheel and drive like you know what the fuck you are doing.
It's days like this that make me feel sympathetic to those poor souls convicted of road rage.
I know that some of them are assholes, but I think most of them are just regular people who have been pushed to the limit by the incompetence of other drivers.
I'd list the numerous things that pissed me off today, but I don't have that much time, and I think that the blogger server would crash due to the pure, vicious hatred I would be putting on the page.
What will make this more shocking to some of you is that all this anger came from just a 12 minute drive, including the stop at Tim Hortons, which is the only thing that calmed me down.

12 minutes.

Thank God most days I walk to work.

Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!

Do you believe in Horoscopes?
Do you check out the newspaper every day, get it in your e-mail, or look it up online?
I'm part of the first group of people. Fan of the newspaper horoscope. I'm not a huge believer, but sometimes it's nice to see something out there that is completely random.
Why do I say it's random?
Because if it wasn't, every newspaper, website and crystal ball would say the same thing for one person every day, no matter where you looked it up. You can have a newspaper article say that it's going to be the best day of your life, and then another one says "Don't go outside." Now unless you stay inside and have an orgy with some supermodels, one of these horoscopes is wrong. Whose fault is it? Who do we blame? What if the person who has been publishing your horoscope is a complete ass? What then?
It's the reason why psychics never win the lottery. Because when it comes down to it, we are on a ball of mud, spinning through the cosmos, without rhyme or reason, under no control whatsoever.
If you can predict what kind of day I'm going to have, you can pick the lotto numbers, or the stock market, or start betting on the ponies or sporting events. Do the gods not let you use your gift for profit? Give half to charity. How come you never hear of an operator on the psychic friends network hitting it big? Did they not look in to their future and see that they'll be on the phone all day?
Whatever it is that's out there, be it God, gods, aliens or who knows what, they have little or no influence on what's happening in my life, and if they did, you know they aint telling some schmuck so he can publish it in time for the morning edition.

Nerditude

What's your level of nerdiness?
With the amount of technology nowadays, I think that each individual has a small percentage of nerd floating around in the mix.
Some are movie nerds, music nerds, computer nerds, gaming nerds; whatever. It's not like the old days when the nerds were just the book readers, math geeks, and D&D crowd, and the Jocks were the Jocks. Now most of the Jocks have computers and game consoles and play sports games on those, they use their computers to run hockey pools and of course, porn. So the old definitions just don't work anymore. In modern times, everyone is a nerd, it's just the Level of nerdiness that changes.
So where are you at?
Lets see:

• I have a blog
• I post pretty often
• Play X Box, mostly sports, but some Star Wars games
• Have a computer
• Addicted to said computer.
• Read lots of books, sci-fi, fantasy, whatever.
• Digs cartoons and comic books
• Can do minor computer hardware repairs, no software though.
• Have lots of DVDs; same genres as the books.
• Have played D&D, but that was in my youth, and not in the last 10 years.

I figure that puts me about the middle of the road. I'm nerd enough to hold my own for short periods of time with uber-nerds, yet still able to say " Boy, that guy is a nerd."

It's a sliding scale, and far from perfect, but where do you think you'd come in? Is it a valid argument? Am I full of shit?

Stay tuned for answers. ( Not Really.)

Eulogy For The Damned

How would you like your eulogy to go?
Have you ever thought about what's going to be said about you at your funeral?
Every once in a while, (not that often, so don't think I'm suicidal,) I wonder how my wake/ whatever will go. What type of music will they play, who is going to want to speak, who'll show up, and who will be so overcome with grief that they spend the whole event collapsed in a chair, unable to function.
Does this make me strange?
What would you like to see happen at your funeral?

I'd want something that people will remember.
Not shit like tumbling midgets or sad clowns crying, but just an event that will make people go "Holy crap, I never thought I'd see that at a funeral!"

Just Remembered

I won't be bloging much over the next couple of days.
My brother & family are going to be visiting and I'm going to be spending the Majority of time with them.
Don't worry, I'll be back.

Spying For The Other Side.

I've come to the realization that my son is a rat.
I don't mean that he looks like a rat, no whiskers, doesn't have buck teeth, really hates cheese actually. I mean rat like in "stoolie", "narc","snitch" and so on.
You see, he's just about three, and his biggest fascination is telling anyone who listens exactly what he did that day, who he saw, where he was; you get the picture.
Normally this isn't a bad thing, as I believe that he has great communication skills, and I appreciate that he likes to talk to people, he's just like his father in that sense.
The evil part is that he tells his mother anything we did when it's just me and him. If Daddy stops at the donut shop and gets a coffee? Mommy finds out. Daddy talking to a pretty girl at play-gym? Mommy knows about it. It's like packing around a video camera and just handing the tape to the Wife when I get home.
Do I have anything to hide? Not really. I'd never do anything bad in front of my son, it's just that one of these days I know he's going to say we were somewhere or did something, or saw someone and the Wife is going to explode.
And I know she'll believe him way before she believes me.
But I really like hanging out with the Boy, love it when we get to spend time together.
I guess I'll keep the little squealer around.

The Food Was....Excellent.

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and accidentally had one of the best meals of your life?
I've had it happen a few times, and usually it's not the places you would expect.
Not to be misunderstood, classy places have great food too, but you expect it from them.
It's the hole-in-the-wall places that surprise you.

• John's Place - In Victoria. This place is tucked away, no flashy signs, and if you blink, you'll walk by it. But they have the best waffles (with cream cheese syrup) that I have ever had.
• Panda Express - Kihei, Maui. Yes, it's a franchise store, but damn it if it didn't have some of the best Chinese food I've ever had. Usually you go to one of these places and get dry chow mien, rock hard sweet and sour pork, and some type of vegetable dish that looks like a monkey shit on a plate. Not here.
• Vendor Dog - Toronto. I know Joey's going to look at me strange, but that was the best Hot Dog ever, and the great thing was that when I burped three days later, I could still taste it.
• Ricky's - Campbell River. Ah yes, the old hometown. I just have to mention Ricky's for the Grand Forks Breakfast alone. Ask the Sidekick, he'll know what I'm going on about.
• The Mooseburger Cafe - Campbell River. Not only is it the juiciest burger ever, the ambiance (Titties, Titties, Titties) is spectacular. Been a long time since I've been there.
• Teddy's - Oshawa? Don't ask me the exact location, as that part of Canada is all crammed together, but everyone out there seems to know where it is. When we went there it didn't look like anything special, but the line up to get in and the food when we got in changed all that. I bug the Sidekick every time he goes back to the home office to bring back some of the salad dressing they make there. Fucker never remembers.

I like trying out new restaurants and places whenever I travel, and hopefully I come across some more like these. Not that my fat ass needs the calories.

Revamp The Holidays.

Well, Halloween is over.
In Canada, that means that all the Christmas shit will start to go up soon.
I like the fact that we have Thanksgiving when we do, because any excuse for turkey is great, however I envy the Americans for the fact that they have one more holiday before Christmas.
It would make it seem like Christmas is farther away, and that you can still enjoy the fall without having to worry about it and all the bullshit that goes with that holiday.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Xmas hater. I just think that the merchandising world gets so riled up about Christmas that the bullshit advertising and the incessant goodwill are a bit to much to handle.
It makes me more grumpy the closer I get to Christmas.
That's why Canada needs a new holiday. One that will tide us over until Christmas, brighten our day after the gloom of Remembrance Day, yet still be simple enough for everyone to enjoy.
Some of my suggestions:

• DVD Day - Get your loved ones the DVD they always wanted.
• Free Coffee Day - Buy a coffee for a random stranger, and have random strangers buy you coffee.
• Steak and a Blowjob Day. - Would be the greatest holiday ever.
• Sit on The Couch All Day Day - Good movies on TV, some snacks.... At least the fatties would go for it.
• Feel the Melons Day - If you see a chick with a nice rack, give 'em a squeeze.

If we had some of these holidays, I bet the suicide rate around Christmas would go way down.

Not only are we cheering ourselves up, but we are saving lives.

The Scariest Things ...

Seeming as it's Halloween today I thought I would tell you some of the things I consider scary.
In no particular order:

• Salem's Lot - The book. Not so much the movie. It was 2am on a really dark and windy night when I first finished reading that book. Stuff scratching against the window freaked the shit out of me.
• The Exorcist - The movie scared the crap out of me and I still have not touched pea soup.
• Fat Chicks in Spandex - I've mentioned this before, but I just can't say it enough. There ought to be a law, and I'm not talking the Law of Gravity.
• The George Bush White House - You know what I'm saying.
• Weapon's of Mass Destruction - We are all supposed to be scared of these right?
• Weapon's of Ass Destruction - I shouldn't even have to explain this.
• Joey's Driving - Mother fucker can't even change a CD without getting into an accident.
• Tim Horten's running out of coffee - It hasn't happened yet, and God willing, never will.
• The Dutch - Don't they scare everybody?
• A "+" sign on the Pregnancy Test - That scares the hell out of every man.
• No Internet Connection - Sad, really, but this actually DOES scare me.
• Quebec Separating From The Rest of Canada - O right, like they haven't pretty much already. If they could they would take the whole fucking province and move it. Not much of a loss, except then Newfoundland would be closer to the West. And that's what scares me.

That's all I can think of now, But I'd like to hear what the general public has to say.

Obsessive Compulsive...

Every once in a while I get slightly obsessive compulsive.
This morning I found it absolutely necessary to clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher, vacuum, and tidy up the DVD collection before I head to work.
I also made the Boy's breakfast, and got all his stuff ready to go to the sitter.
Then I thought about what I was doing and decided to blog about it.
Was going to wait until I went on my lunch.
Thought about it, decided I didn't have enough time to do it before I go to work.
Yet I feel compelled to sit here and type, right before I have to leave.
Is this just me, or is everyone like this?
This doesn't happen all the time, just every once in a while.
Strange.

Trash Tv.

Now let's get this straight from the start.
I don't watch Maury Povich. The wife does, and sometimes I'm forced to be in the room at the same time that this show ,(for lack of a better word,) is on.
Now the topic today seems to be a reoccurring one on Maury..."Who's My Baby's Daddy?"
It may seem like Maury would have to really do something special to find people willing to go on TV and put their child's paternity on the line, but it seems like they show up in droves.
The show goes something like this:

Maury: Why do you say this man is your baby's father?
Trashy Whore: Look at the eyes! Look at the lips! Of course that's his baby! He just bein' a no good dawg, an denin' his responsibility!
Slick Rick: That ain't my baby Maury. First of all that baby's black, and I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side.
Maury: But you are black.
Slick Rick: Why you gotta bring race into this Maury? Why be a hater?
Trashy Whore: Just admit it is your baby and give me money to go to the Sizzler!
Maury: And the results are in. In the case of 5 month old Shaniqua Jermanie Lateesha Jackson, You are ...

And then Maury reveals the child's paternity. Now one of two things seem to happen. Either the father jumps up, yelling that he was right and the mother is a dirty whore, while she cries in Maury's arms, or the mother jumps up and points in the face of the guy, demanding that he accept his responsibility and praising to everyone around that she was right in her quest for Paternal Justice.

Now the part that amazes me is there are women who have shown up on this show approx 6, 7, or 11 times! With the state of modern technology, especially ultrasounds, that can pretty much pinpoint the date of conception( plus or minus a few days), why would there be much confusion?Can you not remember who you slept with within that week? I can understand 1,2,or even 3 guys, but 11? That's almost two guys a day for the whole week! Did you forget about that gang bang you were in? Was it a present for the football team?

Unfortunately, 95% of the couples on the show are black. They do show the occasional white couple, but if I was a leader in the black community, I'd be asking Maury to lay off for a bit.
"Come on Maury, just skip a couple of shows, do some of the ones with the Fat Kids or Disabled People Overcoming Disabling Disabilities, first we have to deal with Kanye, and now this shit too!"

Jesus was a Bad-ass.

You know, I've always heard that "History is written by the victors."
It got me thinking.
What if Jesus wasn't really so great?
What if he was just a guy who did some nifty parlor tricks, scammed a few Jews, but in the end, had this great PR team that totally controlled the media of the times to view him in a sympathetic light?

"We'll tell the people he's there for them, that'll get them crying in Bethlehem."
" I got a better idea, lets say his dad is in charge of the Legions and he'll be pissed if they mess with him."
"Why don't we just say he's the son of God?"
"Sounds good to me, Ted. Let's run with that."
"I'll get it out on the early morning tablets."

I'm just saying until someone successfully time travels, we are never going to know what this guy was like. Imagine if you traveled 1000 years into the future and G.W. Bush was worshiped as the second coming of the Messiah?
What if the guys who wrote the Bible were the equivalent of Fox News?

I'm sure Jesus was a great guy. I would have loved to be around to meet him. But there must have been some bad days. Days when he got tired of all the apostles hanging around. Days where he was frustrated and inadvertently kicked a leper, only to have it hushed up by the liberal media. Maybe he did more than was reported with Mary Magdalene, and the PR guys just changed it to "washed her feet". Who knows? I wasn't there and neither were you, and the only account we have is a book that is partiality made up from fairly tales.

Those that have a problem with my views can click here or here.

So I Didn't Win The Lotto.

Back to whoring myself out for cheap thrills.

(Cheap ones being the only ones I can afford.)

Nothing Short Of World Domination.

Just heard (from Google News no less) that Google will possibly be opening up an E-Bay type of online marketplace. Am I excited? Meh. I don't think that Google will end up harming E-Bay in any way, I just want to see how they are going to pull it off.

I'm quite fascinated by Google. I love their search engine, (it's the only one I use) I use Gmail all the time and I have used Google Talk. I am amazed at how they go into an area that seems like everything that can be done has been done, and they come up with a new and exciting way to do it.

• Yahoo Search Engine? - We'll do it better, cleaner, faster and more relevant.
• MapQuest? - Screw that, it's all about GoogleMaps or Google Earth.
• Hotmail? - Yeah I use it, but it's my garbage mail, I use Gmail for important, relevant stuff.
• Cnn? - I just click on News on Google, which is my homepage.

I'm sure there's more and better explained reasons for why the things they do are heads and shoulders above the competition, but if it's technical stuff you want tot know about, ask Bish. I just know I like what I see.

Will I use the new Google marketplace? Probably not, as I'm not much into online shopping, but if and when I do, I'll give Google a shot. They haven't let me down yet.

If It Was Me, I'd Be Pissed.

Just had a thought: If I was Bill Watterson, the creator of "Calvin & Hobbes", I would be totally furious that there are a bunch of rednecks driving around with a picture of my creation pissing on stuff.
That has to drive him nuts. I mean here you are, the creator of a beloved icon in the comic strip world, your driving behind some guy's Ford and see Calvin on his back window pissing all over the Chevy Symbol. Would you stop the guy? Get out of your car and demand he remove this material? It's an obvious violation of copyright laws. I think I'd try to hunt down the creator of those and sue his ass off.

What is it in the mentality that screams " This is cool!"? Why not just get some paint and write FORD SUX across your back bumper? And why is it always car company or the like? You don't see someone with a house full of Ikea stuff waving signs that say "PIER ONE BITES!!!."
I'm all for stating your opinion, but do it in a more tasteful way.

I hope Bill sees this blog.
I hope he contacts me and says he likes the way I think.
I hope he sends me a present for my outspoken ways.
That is all.

Lotto Fever

The Lotto 6/49 Jackpot is now approx $40 Million Dollars.

Last week, when it was a mere $30 Million, it set off a ticket frenzy all across Canada. I'll admit, I bought my ticket, and I'll do so again. I won't do anything stupid like go over what I usually spend on the lottery, or not eat for a week just so I can get tickets. But it is nice to play that game in your imagination. "What if I won?" How would you spend the money?

If I won the entire fortune, I would probably give some to charity, just to rub it into the faces of the A&W workers from Mission, B.C. The rest? Who knows? Family will of course be taken care of, as well as others who are important to you, but having that much money would scare me. Sure, for the first time you are fiscally responsible to nobody, but the temptation to spend, spend, spend would be a bit much. You hear so many horror stories about Lotto winners who have had their lives ruined because of the windfall they've received.

I like to think I would be level-headed with it. Weather or not that would happen, I don't know. I have always said that I would like to win just enough to be debt free, (No mortgage, car payment, etcetera.) I don't mind working, I would like it so my wife doesn't have to, and I'd like a bigger chunk of my paycheck going towards retirement or the kids collage fund.
But we'll see how it all turns out.

If I win big, I'll start the "Bling Bling Blog".

Cinema Veritas

I made a post a while ago about how music is tied to memories of the past.
I was thinking today about movies. What are some of your earliest or fondest memories of movies from when you were younger? Why are they stuck in your memory? I'll say that Star Wars is a given, due to the overwhelming popularity it has in my generation, but I'll give an example of some others.

1. Firefox : I remember this movie just because it was one of the coolest things a 10 year old could see at the time. Clint-mother-fuckin-Eastwood fightin' the Russkies? A jet controlled by your thoughts? Sheer Awesome. Did not hold up to repeated viewings.
2. Fletch: This was a funny movie at the time, but the main reason I remember this one is because my brother and I were the only ones in the theatre, and they had to play it for us. We checked out all the different viewing angles from all the seats. I'm amazed the usher didn't tell us to just go home.
3. The Dark Crystal: Freaky fucking Muppets. Some parts of this movie scared the shit out of me. Doesn't anymore though, I'm a manly man now.
4. Corvette Summer: 'Cause when I first saw it, I was wondering why the hell Luke Skywalker was driving a car. ( I was only six, I hadn't really realized that actors played different roles.)
5. Halloween 3: The only reason I'm even mentioning this piece of shit is because it was one of the first movies I ever watched at a Drive-In.
6. The Muppet Movie: Because at the time, this was a huge event. My brother and I came out of this movie so high on endorphins, only to be slightly traumatized moments later when my Dad got into a car accident on the way home. ("Kid on bike off the windshield for $200 Alex")
7. Raiders of the Lost Ark: Next to the obvious cool reasons for it being such a great movie, I really loved that the lead character was not only Han Solo, ( I learned my lesson from Corvette Summer) but this was the movie that made Archeology cool. (That was my dream in 1981, to be an archaeologist.) I didn't realize that whips were used for anything but archaeology until I saw porn.
8. Zapped!: First time I recall seeing boobs in a movie. I could be wrong and it could be Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but they were both in the same year, so what. Now I think most movies are shit unless there are boobs in them. Sad, really.
9. The Secret of Nimh: Just because it was a really cool animated movie that was the most un-disney like thing I had seen at the time.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. If I really gave it some thought, then I could probably find more. I went with the movies from my child hood, Because if we went with movies that made me go "Holy Shit" , or whatever, that would be a whole other entry.....

Tell me what you remember about the movies of your younger years.

Stack 'O Quarters

I'm going to tell you about a place that doesn't seem to exist in this time anymore.
When I was a kid, this place was full of sights, sounds, lights and people of all different shapes and sizes.
It was the Video Arcade.
Nowadays you don't see many of them around, at least not in the parts of the world I have travelled in. Oh sure, you see the odd couple of games stuck in the corner of the mall, put there to hopefully soak up some change from a kid while Mommy's trying on slacks at the Gap. But the old-school, dimly lit, smokey haven of childhood glory it ain't.
I used to love going to the arcade. The music was always blaring from the jukebox, (It was a CD jukebox, I'm not that old.) and there was usually some new game that everyone was going on about.
I remember the first time I ever saw Super Mario Brothers. I was a big Excitebike fan and it was always on the far side of one of those sit-down style arcade games with a different game on each side. I can't remember what game was there the week before, but today it seemed like half of the arcade was crowded around the other side. I quickly took a look over some body's shoulder and all I could see was this massive stack of quarters lined on top of the machine. As I got a chance to look at the game itself, all I could see was this guy pounding on coin boxes and jumping on mushroom-headed guys. I was amazed. I don't know if it was the story or the setting or whatever, but that game just drew people together. I was there when the first guy in my town found a Warp Zone, and holy shit, it was big news. half the arcade stopped what they were doing just to check it out.

And an arcade was like a community. It had it's high traffic areas, it's low income areas, the games nobody could get onto, and the derelict games nobody wanted to play. There were the movers and shakers, (the Change Guy was king) the bad-asses, and pretty much the rest of us, but when it came to games, we were all equal. You'd see a nerdy guy beating a jock at Karate Champ, two girls squabbling over who was better at Bubble Bobble, and me with my hands glued to that funky control stick on Star Wars. ( Every time I heard "I've lost Artoo!" my gut would constrict and my testicles would run for cover.) There were the people who would only play pinball or Foosball, and those who thought Gridiron Fight was the best because it used a trackball. But everybody acknowledged greatness when they saw it, and to have your name as the high score on any game, be it Joust to Defender to Dragon's Lair was quite the honor. Of course there were the seedy sides to every community, just like there is in today's society. You'd have the kids who had no money try and bum quarters off you, the cheat who would unplug a game just so he could have his name as the high score, and the guys who brought in ringers to play Foosball, just because "loser pays". But those points were few and far between.

What caused the death of the classic arcade? Was it home systems? Was it the rising price to play the games? (I thought paying 50 cents for Dragon's Lair was such a fucking rip, no matter how cool the game looked.) Was the profit margin that tight that the owners of the arcades just didn't find it feasible any more? Or was it a great government conspiracy to force people away from like-mined groups of other free thinking radicals, and into their homes where it is easier to force feed them drivel, cutting them off from the herd, so to speak?

Probably the home systems, just for the simple fact of not having to wait for the other guy to finish his turn. How selfish is that? The death of a community because we don't like to share.
I'll miss the arcade of old. I don't think I can recapture the feeling now. But there was a time when, for a moment, that pocket full of quarters was my key to new and exciting worlds, anything was possible, and having twitchy fingers was a blessing in disguise.

Winds Pickin' Up...

Well there is another Hurricane possibly headed for the United States.
This makes the 12th Hurricane this season.
You know, I live in an area that has (usually) great weather and although we do have big storms here, I have yet to see something truly life threatening.
Yet it always amazes me when they interview these people on TV who keep saying "We will rebuild." I can understand if it happens once or maybe twice, but how many disasters do you have to live through before you feel you are pushing your luck with the man upstairs?
I think my magic number would be two.
I mean, you get your livelihood and possessions wiped out once, fine. Insurance will cover it, and it's only material goods after all. But if there was suddenly another major storm coming up into the area again, like a year or two,( or in the case of the U.S. lately, every six weeks,) I would say "Fuck it," and just pack up and leave. I mean why tempt fate? Will my job pay me danger pay to live in such a dangerous area? Probably not. So why live there? Sun, sand, beaches with bikinis? You can get those almost anywhere.
(And even more so in Port Alberni.)
I think I'm gonna need this one explained to me.
Please don't tell me that people stay because of a job. Is that why the guy at Taco Bell is still there? Because of his commitment to serve fine quasi-Mexican food at low, low prices, no matter what the dangers? Bullshit. I will accept financial hardship to some extent, but after your shits all destroyed, why not take the assistance the Government gives you and get the fuck out?
I'm not saying that everybody who rebuilds is a retard. (Obviously that's not the case or there would be some fucked up looking buildings being built.)
I'm just saying that if it was me, all you'd see would be the ass end of my vehicle as I was headed for the interstate, moving on to greener pastures.

I Feel Ver2.0

1. That the greatest job one could have is that of a city worker. Minimal intelligence needed, not a lot of actual work involved, and Monday to Friday would be a perk.
2. The reason I don't have a city job is because I would strangle all the dumb fucks I work with. This would interfere with possible future promotions.
3. That the thing I miss about working at the Arches is firing people. That really perked up my days, especially when it was someone I hated.
4. Firing people is actually the number two reason. Chicks with big tits during the lunch hour was number one.
5. I'm really quite addicted to the spellchecker. When there is not one available, (like when leaving comments on a blog) I get antsy, like a junkie looking for a fix.
6. That although I like the weather and temperatures of this time of year, the distinct lack of visible cleavage on the opposite sex is quite the bummer.
7. Thought for the day- Ass cleavage on chicks: Hawt. (little bit of thong? Excellent.) Ass cleavage on guys: Just plain wrong.
8. That you can't go wrong with dick and fart jokes.
9. That most days look a lot brighter after a cup of coffee.......and a blowjob.
10. A lot of my days aren't that bright.

Clarification

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Instant Family, Just Add Water.

When you date a girl who has kids, what does that make you? Are you the Step-Daddy? The Father-to-be-Named-Later? What is your role?
I know a couple of guys who have instant family's like that. I don't know if I could do it.
Oh, I could bang the bejesus outta some hot mama, but don't expect me to be making breakfast before the kids go to school.
I think it's somewhat like someone finding a pair of shoes that have been discarded on the road. They look like someone else's shoes, could even have a name marked on the inside. But you pick'em up, dust 'em off and proudly proclaim that you are going to wear these shoes and take care of them like it was the first pair you owned. Problem is, you've never worn shoes before.

How would you discipline a kid who knows that the only reason you're around is because Mommy likes your man-candy? Do you have any authority to do so? I know that later on when my son gets lippy, I can tell him that I had to change his shitty ass when he was younger and that gives me every right to boss him around. If he wants to be in charge I'll pinch a loaf right there and see how he likes the mess.

What if the real Dad is still around? How the hell do you work that out? " Hey you know what's funny? Your kids call me Daddy, and so does their Mom when we're in the sack." Gonna make for an uncomfortable Christmas.

I know that it's possible to really care for these children, but it's got to be like when you were a kid. Sure, you'd borrow your friends baseball cards, and you would take real good care of them. But if you lost one or two, so what? You felt bad, but it's not like they were your baseball cards.

I guess I'm gonna be a great Dad to my kids, just horrible to anyone else's.

Turkey Day

Big fan of Turkey. Not the country, but the bird. Pluck it, clean it, baste it, chuck it in the oven, surround it with tasty morsels that complement it's incredible taste, and then call me to the table.
There's only one thing I enjoy eating more than turkey, and that's pussy. But since my family would freak if I did that at the table, and the knowledge that gravy will burn a woman's tender parts, prevents me from attempting that over the holiday weekend.
I kinda like that there's a holiday that basically celebrates food. I know, a lot of you are saying that Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family and be thankful for all the good that has happened in our lives this past year, but really, who even likes half their family anymore? What are the people in New Orleans thankful for? It's nice to say that it's good to be alive, but how do you have a family dinner when your dinning room table was looted, and there's two feet of mold on all the silverware?
It's all about the food. Savoring the smells, flavors and textures of each dish. Slipping gleefully into the "Turkey Coma" on the couch afterwards. Soups, sandwiches and shepherds pie for days on end, and even that little bit of disappointment when you realize the last leftover is gone.

I may have trouble posting after this, due to my possible inability to squeeze behind the keyboard, or the danger of not being able to get my lazy ass off the couch.

Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Porn.

• Easiest ways to pick up a girl: Meet on street, (with camera rolling) say "Wanna Fuck?" then go crazy. Order pizza, and if it's a chick driving, you automatically get to "Give her the tip".
• Ladies want to bang anywhere,anyplace, anytime.
• If you meet twins, of course you get to fuck them both. The thought of sex with their sibling excites them, as opposed to grossing them out.
• The Donkey Punch is a finely executed sexual maneuver that was mistakenly left out of the Kama Sutra.
• Condoms are for Wuzzies.
• If you are banging a Japanese woman, there is sure to be blood, urine, feces, and possibly tentacles in school uniforms involved.
• When caught with another woman, your spouse will feel obliged to join in, rather than killing you.
• Strangers are just people you haven't fucked yet.
• Most women prefer to look at semen closely, thus the reason for shooting it in their eyes.
• Women only wear two kinds of panties, thongs and none.
• Sex on a bed is for amateurs. Trapezes are where it's at.
• Stds are a myth perpetuated by frigid bitches.
• All women secretly want to share their man with their best friend.
• If a woman rejects you, she's obviously a dyke, which means she just needs a good " deep dicking"
• And if she's a dyke she must be hot, 'cause there are no fat & ugly lesbians.

Why the need for a list? Who knows. What have you learned from porn that you'd like to share with the world?

I'm Not Posting Right Now

Unlike every other Canadian fanboy, I'm not going to be posting about the fact that today is the first day of the National Hockey League season.
I won't tell you how happy I am that Hockey is finally back, and if you read my August 04 post, I don't need to reiterate how I feel the new cap system will hopefully create some parity and some close games in all the divisions.
Of course it would be completely unnecessary to explain that I believe that Hockey will come back stronger than ever, at least in the Canadian markets, so why would I bother to even post about it?
I'm sure that you already know how I and thousands of other Canadians feel, so I feel no real need to say what has been said so many countless times in the past few weeks.
Hockey's back, although you didn't hear it from me.

What Is And What Should Never Be

You know, I was so infatuated with the Very Pretty Girl that I completely forgot to mention how the concert was.
(By the way, the Very Pretty Girl has yet to contact me, except in my dreams.)

So... Robert Plant, supposed Rock God, lead singer of one of the most influential bands in rock and roll, and idol to millions of 50- something's who wish they had their youth and hair back.
What can I say about finally seeing this legend on stage?
It was a letdown.
I guess I was expecting too much. I know that he's gotten older, and that I should not expect him at his peak form, but I would like the occasional Zepplin tune to at least sound like a Led Zepplin song. I firmly believe that the number one rule for all artists and musicians is: Give Them What They Want. I know that you may not want to play D'yer Maker for the fourteen thousandth time, but you know what? That's what we want to hear. It's what I paid 60 bucks for. I did not come to see Robert Plant cover Bob Dylan. If I wanted that, I'd pay a street musician to cover Robert Plant covering Bob Dylan.
I know that you are going to do some of the songs from your new album and that's OK. But when you do launch into some of the songs that made you famous, you think they would be at least on key and not all messed up because you think some guy in your band is shit-hot on the sitar. And who brings a fuckin' mandolin to a rock concert?
Thank god the opening band, The Trews, were awesome, and in my opinion, kicked ass all over the headliner. And that was with half a stage and mediocre lighting.
I guess going to Pearl Jam less than a month earlier had something to do with my disappointment. Plant should have watched a video of that to see how a concert should be done.
Enough negativity, I'm outta here.

Letter to the Editor

God ? It's me.
You remember me, right? We met at that party, I was being loud and obnoxious, you were sitting off in the corner, silently watching me, with just a smug little grin on your face.
Later, as we ran into each other by the keg, I made a witty remark, and you laughed, showing me your perfect smile, and dazzling me with that impressive rack you have.
It just seemed so right. I was the bad boy you were looking to tame, you were the good influence on my otherwise decadent lifestyle.
Where did it all go wrong? Was it when you caught me with your sister? The reason we were like that is because she was choking and the only way I could get her airway clear was to "snake" it out. Really, it was just bad timing, you walking in that way.
And was it my fault that your best friend just happens to be naked in my bed? I don't know how she got there, but what's a guy to do? Trust me, I made sure that she'll think twice before attempting the reverse cowgirl in the pike position again. I think she's learned her lesson.

So why did you feel it was necessary to inflict this completely horrible, fucking annoying chest cold on me? I can't breathe, my head's all stuffed up, and I'm only 3 days away from the Robert Plant concert in Victoria. If you hate me that much, we should have got married. But a cold? Right at the start of the fall? One of those ones that could hang around for months? Bad form. Really bad form. Next time just kick me in the nuts and we'll call it a draw.