Monday, December 31, 2007

Goodbye, 2007.

See ya later, '07.

I missed out on most of my resolutions (especially the weight loss ones) but all in all you weren't a bad year.

There were additions - Wii, Plasma TV, Xbox 360.

& subtractions - My testicles, hairline.

But this year progressed and ended much like any other.

In with a whimper, out like a whimpering wimp.

Here's to 2008 - Hope it's more exciting than this year.


Sunday, December 30, 2007

Downward Trend.

I had high hopes today.

I was going through all my posts from the last year - I was going to do a "Best of" countdown - and I realized something:

I used to write a lot better.

As I was skimming the archives, I came across some funny, insightful, charismatic stuff. (Had to look at the title bar to make sure I was still at my blog.) As I got closer to the end of the year, it all starts to sound like whining and bitching. (Similar to this post, you say?)

I think I should shoot for quality instead of quantity.

But quantity is what keeps this meager crowd around, right?

I know - I'll just write more good stuff.

Oh yeah - it'll be easy.


Saturday, December 29, 2007

Uphill Grind.

Everything I interacted with today worked against me.

The weather, the kids, time, anything that I had too do or deal with was harder and more difficult than it normally was.

It's hard to keep an upbeat attitude when it seems like the entire universe seems to be shitting on you.

Have you ever seen, in the movies or comics, that black rain cloud that rains on one person only?

Today was like that.

Except with hail.
And snow.
And a two-year old that just won't quit.

(Sigh) Tomorrow's another day.


Friday, December 28, 2007

Living LIVE.

I'm connected, baby.

I setup my wireless connection and I'm loving it.

It's not even the games that impress me anymore, (although the stunning graphics are amazing) it's the interconnectivity.

I'm playing a demo that I downloaded, listening to music being streamed from my computer, and sitting on my couch while all this is going on. What's the point of burning a disc to listen to when I can run it all from my 360?

I'm in ecstasy.

If I could blog from it, I'd hug it tight and never let it go.


Thursday, December 27, 2007

6am Blues.

I hate it when I wake up before my alarm goes off.

I always decide to fall back asleep, and I always feel like a sack of crap when I wake up again.

Why, Lord, why can't you let me get a good night's sleep?

I'll stab as many hobos as you want if I can just feel refreshed in the morning.

Is it so much to ask?


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Learned Something New Today.

This is the most nerdy question I've ever asked.

Do you know what the spikes on the end of a Stegosaurus' tail are called?

I didn't - until today.

My friends, I present to you - The Thagomizer.

Sure, Calvin & Hobbes piss on Ford logos on the back of a hillbilly's truck, but Gary Larson gets referenced by the Smithsonian Institution.

That's nerd-cred to the 1000th power.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Unwrapping Harrison Ford

I got a great Christmas gift today:

Harrison Ford.

"Really," You say - "Harrison Ford?"


Certain people came through in a big way. I received the Blade Runner Ultimate Collector's Edition from the Sidekick and The Wife picked up The Complete Indiana Jones Collection. The only thing better would be fighting Replicant Nazis myself.

I think it's about time for a new man-crush. (Sorry Val Kilmer.)


Monday, December 24, 2007

...And To All A Good Night.

The only problem with working late shift on Christmas Eve is that people seem to think that the world revolves around them and nobody else.

I had someone try to bitch me out over the phone because we were closing early (the holiday hours have been posted for a week) and they wanted me to stay open another hour so they could try to make it down.

If it's six o'clock on Christmas Eve and you aren't done with all your shit that's your problem. I've been drinking since 2:30 and I want to go home so I can relax and get things ready for my family.

That's the Christmas Spirit, right?



Sunday, December 23, 2007

Auditory Stimulation.

Please ignore the video and just listen to the song. (It's the only video I could find that's longer than 42 seconds.)

It's a new release from one of my favorite bands, The Trews. Their new album comes out in February. (Thank God for having something to look forward to in the New Year.)

I can't wait - they are one of my favorite bands. If the Trews ever opened for the Foo Fighters, I think I'd kill someone to get a ticket.

Just close you eyes and enjoy the song...


Saturday, December 22, 2007

Something Stupid This Way Comes.

There's a lot of stupid people out there.

Case in Point: At work, whenever a customer asks me where something is located, I'm very specific with my directions. I'll tell them what aisle, how far down, what side, and what shelf it's on.
"Tapioca? Why yes ma'am - it's in aisle 7, left hand side, second shelf, about 6 feet down - red box."

After this, either of two things happens:
  1. They follow my directions and find the product they seek. or
  2. They head in the opposite direction from what I pointed, look to the right about two feet in, and look back at me like I switched the store around while they weren't looking.
You'd be surprised at how many people go with option 2.

It's not like my directions are bad - I just think that people don't listen. I'm pretty sure they only hear:
"Tapioca? Why yes, ma'am - it's yada uada aisle yada, yada yada side, yada shelf, yada yada ayda box."
I've tried walking them right up to the product, but they just say they'd rather I tell them. It's a no-win situation. I've come to accept that.

But it doesn't mean I have to like it.


Friday, December 21, 2007

A Convenient Solution.

I was talking about recycling with someone today and it hit me:

A Solution.

You see, recycling is just a pain in the ass. Everyone I've talked to that does it hates it with a passion, but they feel morally obligated to do so. Not recycling around here is about as popular as owning slaves in 1976.

So why bother? Why don't we just take that trash and look at it as a solution instead of a problem.

The polar ice caps are melting because of global warming, right? The seas are going to rise and drown us all. (And it's my fault because I sorted some glass in with my aluminum cans.)

They say that if all the ice in Antarctica and Greenland melts the sea level would rise about 68 meters (223 feet). I figure that every day, each of us puts about a half an inch of garbage in a square foot of space.(Mind you I'm talking compressed, squished garbage.)

That means there isn't much time.

I say we take all that garbage and build on it. Don't think landfill - think foundation. If we start piling the garbage and raising the ground level, we'll be above 68 meters in about 14 years - plenty of time before that ice all melts, and we didn't have to do anything different from what we are doing now.

Tah-da! Problem solved.

Where's my Nobel Prize?


Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Sidekick's Going To Hate This.

There aren't many movies the Sidekick and I disagree on.

The Princess Bride, Ray, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, and Hellboy, but it's the last one that we are really far apart on.

I have an appreciation for the characterization and visual style that the movie has. He thinks I'm completely off my fucking rocker. (I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, just that I like it.)

So with good spirits in my heart and a smile on my face I can tell him that Hellboy 2 is coming to theaters July 11 th.

And you know I'm going to make him watch it.

It'll be better than any sequel he'd want to see. What's that ? A sequel to Ray? What's it called - Watch The Dead Musician Rot? Oh yeah - that's something I want to see.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Perfect Pump.

Almost every time I fill up with Gas, I test myself.

I start filling as fast as possible, and only let go of the handle once I've hit my total. My Goal? The Perfect Pump.

$20? Go all out and try to stop on $20.00 - no .01, no .06, it has to be perfect. Try it - it's harder than it looks. (Especially with gas at $1.04/litre.)

Tonight I did it. And nobody was there to witness this spectacular event.


There's always next time.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Lines Of Communication.

So I'm trying to plan out my day today.

I'm under the impression that a couple things are going to happen:
  • Person A is looking after the kids here until 4.
  • Person B is picking the kids up in our car and taking them for dinner and treats.
  • We will have Person B's car, as they will have ours because of the car seats. Will pick up kids and car after they are done with them.
So I'm going on this assumption - and then get told that I'm totally wrong. Person B is not taking the car, and is watching the kids here. I argue the point, stating that I'm sure I was correct about what was happening. Nope - I must be mistaken or have heard incorrectly. Whatever - I can deal.

Guess what?

I just found out 5 minutes ago that I was right all along.

I hate being right when there is no one here to see it.

I'll just have to gloat the rest of the day.


Monday, December 17, 2007

The Paycheck Film.

Oh Jason Lee, how did you fall so low?

Do you owe someone money? If you do, it must be a lot, because I can't think of any other reason to do this film.

Talk to Kevin, have him write another part for you in something good.
Go back to your roots, Jason - please.


Sunday, December 16, 2007

360 Degrees Of Separation.

I caved in.

I got my Christmas bonus the other day, and after the Tax Man got his cut I was able to spend a bit of it on myself.

360 time, baby!

I'm killing 2 birds with one stone as well - I'm using the leftover cash to renew my Gym Membership - as I alluded to in this post. I think if I go for a 1:1 ratio with gaming /gym time, I'll have that rock hard body in months.

I'm stung by my buyer's remorse yet again, though - I always feel like I'm being a selfish bastard when I go and my shit like this for myself. I'll only be sad until tonight, though - because after the kids are in bed I'm firing this up.

Wireless HD gaming?

I'm not even gonna wear pants.


Saturday, December 15, 2007

Darkest Before The Dawn.

If any of you read The Sidekick's blog, you'll know that he posted about this earlier.

I'd just like to add my anticipation for this movie to his.

I really like the re-imagining of Batman. I can only hope that this movie is as good as the last one. I was skeptical when I heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker in this film, but with all reports saying that he's going for the psychotic killer-deranged clown aspect of the role, I've decided to hold any reservations I may have until after the movie.

(You never know, this might be the movie that stops me from seeing Heath as anything but a gay cowboy.)

With the way most comic book movies are going, I expect this movie to be fantastic and have me aching for the continuation of the story- only to be disappointed my an over-merchandised, cluster-fuck third act. (Have we not learned anything from X-men 3 and Spiderman 3?) The only hope I have is that someone is charge recalls the horror that was Batman & Robin and has vowed to never let it happen again.

But weather that person is in charge or not, I know where I'll be opening day.


Friday, December 14, 2007

Modesty & False Advertising.

I'm thinking of filing a class-action lawsuit.

I was listening to the radio at work today - that's where the problem starts.

The local radio station plays a couple of identification segments about every 45 minutes or so. (It seems like every 5, but I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.) During each of these segments they exclaim, loudly & repeatedly, that they are "The Island's Best Rock".

I beg to differ.

I've been elsewhere on the Island. Down south there are at lest 8 radio stations that I'd rather listen to. They have better music rotation, more variety, and better (at least less annoying) DJ's.
That would make the claim of being "The Island's Best Rock" a little circumspect, don't you think?

All I'm asking for is some honesty. (And punitive damages.)

Can't they just state the facts?

Why not say "The Best (and only) FM Reception You'll Be Able To Get In This Shitty 'Burg." or "The Other Local Station Is Even Shittier Than Us, So Why Bother Changing." - I'd appreciate those a lot more than the blatant lies they've been trying to pass.

If they won't do it on their own, I'll be forced to use the law to make them change. Just taking the Judge for a ride down-island should be enough to convince him my cause is just.

I can't lose.

Now where's my Erin Brockovich?


Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Call me Scrooge, call me picky, call me a bitter, bitter man.

Whatever - I don't care.

Just don't be wearing that fucking hat when you do it.

People who wear Santa hats before the week of Christmas are retarded attention whores. Unless it's part of your job, or you are in fact Santa Claus, lose the headgear - you only look like an idiot.

It's not about Christmas Cheer, either. Seeing someone wearing a Santa hat anytime from December 1st to the 19th doesn't make me think they are full of the holiday spirit - it makes me think that they are sad little people who try to ignore the world by wrapping themselves up into one "perfect" day.

Fuck You - it doesn't work that way.

These people seem to think that they are "one up" on everyone else, just because they have this visual aid that screams "Look how much I love Christmas! Don't you wish you loved Christmas as much as I do?" You know what? I do like Christmas - I just don't like the sorry fucks like you who go spreading their version of happiness and goodwill into everyone's face. Fuck off and leave me alone.

Wear the hat when there's snow on Christmas Eve or at your staff party. Wear it on a trip to the orphanage, or when you help out at the homeless shelter on the 23rd. Don't wear it when you are walking your dog or picking up groceries. It cheapens the whole thing.

And I'm not even going to start about the Reindeer suspenders....


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Totally Over Blown.

I don't understand the fascination with Toblerone.

Once December hits, it goes from being an everyday bar that nobody buys to a sacred relic, cherished above all other chocolates.

I think they taste like shit.

Why is this the greatest thing to stuff a stocking with? You'd think if a woman wanted something 8 inches long in her stocking, it would come with batteries and a triple-speed function - not crammed full of nougat and wrapped in foil.

But I digress.

If I get a chocolate bar in my stocking this year, it better be shaped like 3 cups and labeled Reese's - or else. (Listen now, Kringle - I'm not fucking around.)


Monday, December 10, 2007


Well, I didn't win anything big at the Staff Party.

I guess it's alright though, as I've won something great every other year - I was due for a dry one.

A good time was had and I was able to avoid all the drama and drunken debauchery that tend to go along with events like this. I'll take the little gift certificate I got and treat myself to something nice.

But there's always next year, and the prize will be mine.


P.S. - Looked up "skunk" on GIS and 8 of the first 15 pictures weren't of our furry friend above, but of some strange plant ....I'm not sure what it was. (Yeah, right.)

Sunday, December 09, 2007


Tonight is the Annual Staff Piss Up Christmas Party.

Good Food, Prizes, and Dancing will be had by all.

As you can tell, I'm typing this from earlier in the day- because if I did it afterwards, it would be asdfio utrethui^8 rt0o u0f;jkljfjlkujd ghfjlas zzzzzzzzzzzzzz - and that's not only hard to read, but no fun.

If I win anything great - don't worry - I'll post about it to brag.

Time to iron my shirt and get my dancing underwear on.

Oh yeah - you heard me right.


Saturday, December 08, 2007

You Don't Have To Be A Genius To Read This Blog...

But it helps.

cash advance

Yeah - that's right. According to some site on the Internet, you gots to have some smarts to be perusing what I'm puttin' down. (I think with that sentence, I just lowered the grade a notch.)

I'm not saying I put out some Mensa-level shit, but obviously I'm using some serious vocab when I talk about my dick and other assorted things. That's some high-brow talk about my junk.

You'll have to excuse me now, as I'm off to read more great works of literature - while sitting on the can.


Friday, December 07, 2007

Big Fat Purse.

Dear Lady with the Big Fat Purse:

What the fuck do you keep in there?

As I watched you lug that monstrosity around my place of business today I was amazed that you:
  • aren't crippled up from the shear weight of whatever it is you are dragging around,
  • haven't been searched by the Immigration authorities for smuggling in a family of refuges,
  • think you need to have whatever it is you have in there, in quantities that I can't possibly fathom.
I was impressed that you were able to find your wallet and pay for your goods in less than 15 minutes. I expected it to be handed to you from within by an orphan girl who looks similar to the one on that Les Mis poster you see everywhere. I think I also saw Jimmy Hoffa's cuff-links, but I didn't want to pry.

I was still in shock when I witnessed you climb into a vehicle that seemed to be only half the size of your purse, and successfully shift that weight into the passenger seat.

That's when it hit me:

You must have a small Black Hole in there, which can compress space and time and therefore can hold all the shit you can possibly need, yet still be able to fit into a modern-day car. It all makes sense.

Except for one thing:

Why does it have to be teal green? What the fuck is up with that? A Black Hole I can understand, but teal? Really?


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Ask for Babs.

I conducted a tour at work today.

We don't normally do tours.. I guess the Grocery industry isn't just that "cool" and "interesting".

Well there's a bunch of Grade 2 kids out there who'll tell you different.

It's easy to impress them - go into the ice cream cooler and they think it's the greatest thing in the world. The little savages loved the meat cooler - they were actually disappointed that there weren't any carcasses hanging around. I showed them how we cut cases to build displays and one of the kids told me I was "Awesome". (He's shooting low on the career scale, I think.)

It was a great way to step out of my normal job for twenty minutes and have some fun with the kids. I hope I kept them entertained. I'll bet I was so good they'll just hate the next field trip.

"Gee, Mr. Fireman, rappelling down that building and putting out the fire was neat, but can you build a display of paper towels?"

Yep - I've scarred them for life.


Tuesday, December 04, 2007


I love having some time off.

Even with the blizzard we just experienced, the fact that I didn't have to work made it at least bearable. (There's nothing like fighting your way through snow and ice, and then having to be nice to people who are bitchy about being out in that same snow and ice.)

But getting things back in shape after some time off is a bit maddening.

I'll admit, it looked the better than usual, with only some little things that were annoying to deal with - I should be happy, it could have been a lot worse.

But I'm a details kind of guy - so the little things are the ones that make me crazy.

I'll live with it, though - I'm a big boy.


Well, we'll just have to wait and see.


Monday, December 03, 2007

Burning Heart.

My chest is on fire.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had the worst heartburn you could imagine. I've tried everything - changes in diet, no coffee, more coffee, medication - nothing seems to work.

As I type this sentence right now it feels like there is a five alarm blaze going on in my chest and throat. I'm almost at the point of going to see a Doctor about it. (For those that know me, seeing a Doctor for anything is my least favorite thing to do.) I'm hoping that he'll have some suggestions on what I can do to stop "the burn".

I'm sure it's diet related, and the fact that we are coming up to the part of the year where everyone eats like shit isn't going to help much. I'll be the guy eating cool yogurt while the rest of you eat all the turkey and drink coffee cups full of booze.

But until I hear different. I'll keep popping the Tums, drinking my coffee, and suffering in silence.

Except for you guys - you get to hear my bitching.


Sunday, December 02, 2007

Rooftop Bliss.

Having re-watched Clerks 2 for the 100th time last night, I'm still amazed at how much I love this scene.

Is it because Dante - the fugly guy that he is - reminds me of myself? (I am rockin' the goatee right now.)

Is it because Micheal's lyrics take me back to a simpler time in my life?

Is it my astonishment that Kevin Smith successfully pulls off a crane shot?

No, you're right. It's Rosario Dawson's Boobs.

If I wasn't infatuated with her before this, I am now.

I think I'll put it on loop, and just loose my self in her eyes - that's it - her eyes.


Saturday, December 01, 2007


I fucking hate Snow.

(I'm not talking about the shitty Canadian reggae-rapper, although I do hate him almost as much.)

It's not that I don't think snow is beautiful. I do.
The way it drapes the earth and glistens in the light is truly a breathtaking sight to behold.

But it also turns every asshole on the road into a moving violation.

The trip to the next town over, which usually takes twenty minutes, was an hour and a half today. By the time I made it back I was a quivering mass of road rage, ready to be unleashed upon the next waste of flesh who thinks his 4x4 makes him immune to the elements and above all traffic laws.

I'll admit, my area of the planet is just not used to handling big amounts of snow. It's like failing to be a Canadian. People in Winnipeg and Regina are laughing at us as we slip and slide around. True, we laugh at them the other eleven months of the year, but that's not the point. This town, in fact the entire lower mainland becomes one huge clusterfuck as soon as the first flakes gather on the windshields.

I'm not going to attempt another outing until I can see asphalt and sidewalks - and even then I'm going to pack some Valium. My asshole level is at an all-time high - even a trip to the corner store might push me over the edge. It's safer for everyone if I just stay indoors.


Friday, November 30, 2007

I Feel...

  • That Poker lingo has got to change. Last night I got asked to "show me the nuts" at least twice. The first time I displayed my cards, but the second time there was some confusion....
  • That people who come in with a coupon and act like assholes should be forcibly removed from any business, not just the one I work at. (Good job clipping that out of the paper, Chief - let me get you a medal.)
  • That the first fucker to say Merry Christmas to me just because December starts tomorrow is going to get a punch in the head. Said punch will be hard and repeated if necessary.
  • That I'm at a crossroads in my life right now - XBox 360 or Gym Membership? I can either sweat a lot or game wirelessly from my couch. (If I sweat while I'm gaming, that's just sad.)
  • That I used to come up with a better list of what I felt. Either I can't remember what I feel anymore, or else I feel less about things now. I'm not sure which depresses me more.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Oh Cap'n, My Cap'n..

Nothing beats coming home from late shift and digging into a bowl of cereal.

I rarely eat cereal for breakfast - I go the toast/bagel route. Cereal has always been a way for me to end the day, not to begin it. There is something inherently relaxing about milk, spoon, bowl and my couch - it all works so well together.

I think it's the fact that you don't have to think about cereal - it just is.

There's no worrying about a beverage or a glass - the finest beverage in the world is at the bottom of the bowl, full of bits of leftover goodness, just waiting to be consumed. People who leave their milk in the bowl should be taken out behind the shed and...well, you know.

And if you can name one other relaxing, comforting, all-in-one snack that comes with a prize in the bottom of the box, I'm all ears.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Everyday Normal Guy

This is my idea of a rap song - something I can understand and relate to.

Now if he would just work in some lyrics about being chubby and thin on top...


P.S. - Steve reminds me of The Sidekick.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Sound Of One Hand Shuffling.

Since Online Poker has frustrated me lately, I've rebounded to another addiction:


Yes people, I'm playing with myself and enjoying it immensely.

Solitaire is a challenging game, and playing on the computer enforces one thing: you can't cheat. It won't let me rifle through the deck searching for that elusive red six that I need. When I win a game, there is a real sense of accomplishment.

I'll go back to Poker - Solitaire is just something that keeps me from losing my mind when someone sucks out a 8-3 runner-runner flush and cracks my Pocket Kings all-in.

When playing Solitaire the only retard at the table is me.

And believe me, that's a relief.


Sunday, November 25, 2007

Regrow My Mullet.

This video, even though it feels like 1987, is actually from 2007. If music trends are truly circular, I'll have to start re-growing my business-up-front-party-in-the-rear haircut.

Has anyone seen my Zubaz? I want to be comfortable for the re-grow.


Saturday, November 24, 2007

I Missed A Post!

What can I say?

I worked, ate, Poker ran late.....

I do have a life, people.

(Ok, not really.)

It was so late when I did get to bed that my mind was focused on pillow instead of keyboard. It's a good thing that I skipped a post though - it shows how much you all missed me.





Thursday, November 22, 2007

Science Gone Awry.

I was watching Spider-Man tonight with the Boy and I realized one thing:

Science is a Bitch.

In the Spidey movies practically every super person - hero or villain - is either caused, or aided by, science gone wrong.
  • Spidey? - Scientists let a bug get out. The rest is history.
  • Green Goblin? - Crazy Scientist experiments on self. Wears shitty mask for rest of movie.
  • Doctor Octopus? - I'm-so-fucking-smart-I'm-mental Scientist causes explosion, gets sentient arms and acts all angsty.
  • New Goblin? - My-Dad-was-a-crazy Scientist so now I'm Xxxtreme!!!
  • Sandman? - Lets disregard the sensors and not even check what's going on in our experiments. (There was a guy in there? Whoops!)
It's based on the above that I've decided to stay away from Bunsen burners and any chemical that looks remotely green. I'm sure that these Scientists are portrayed in the worst possible light, but I'm not taking any chances.

I'll be on the other side of the lab - with my goggles on thankyouverymuch.


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Root Of All Evil.

Root Canal
Main Entry:
root canal
: the part of the pulp cavity lying in the root of a tooth; also
a dental operation to save a tooth by removing the contents of its root canal and filling the cavity with a protective substance.

Personal Addition: Relief!

As much as Dentists suck, I have to give my Doc some props - he did a great job, and it was easier than I thought it would be. No more pain makes me quite happy. Plus the numbing meant that I talked like Jean Chretien for most of the day, which is funny in itself.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Art Imitates Life.

I'm not one to post video after video, but this one is so much like someone that I know that I just had to.

I'd like to go get some Jagerbombs, but I'm in the zone.

Anyone up for some grinding?


Monday, November 19, 2007

Dora Is A Whore.

I'd like to state that the only thing Dora "explores" is her own inhibitions.

This slutty tramp seduced my son about 2 years ago. She showed up with her pet monkey in tow and started asking my boy to "help" her. She always has to go to the other side of town - over a bridge, through a forest, wherever - she works all the corners of the map.

"Just reach into my backpack" she'd say. "See if you can find what I need in there." The dirty bitch was irresistible to him. That hair, the accent, who could resist? And she had a monkey. A monkey. My boy was lost.

He slowly weaned himself from her grip, but it was tough. At one point he announced in public that he wanted a purple backpack - just like Dora. I knew right then I had to save my son from this succubus in shorts and frilly socks. Only repeated viewings of Star Wars & Transformers pulled him back.

He's done with her now, but I can still see that glint in his eye whenever he sees one of her "shows" on display in a store. (Did I mention she's a merchandise whore as well?) He's still in danger, but with vigilance I think he'll be fine.

Watch out for that tramp - she's nothing but trouble.
And I think the monkey has fleas.


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sucker Punch.

Got invited to The Neighbor's to play Poker tonight.

I did okay last night, so I basically just took what I'd won at one place over to another. I've done well next door before, so there was no reason to think this would be any difference.

Was I wrong.

I couldn't get anything.

I don't normally call someone a Donkey, (derogatory Poker term) but they should have had a salt lick at the table, there was so much Hee-Hawin' going on.

I'm not bitter - losing a bit just means I get invited back - but I'll change my play around, that's for sure.

I'll get 'em next time.


Friday, November 16, 2007

Jacks or Better

Poker Night again.

I'll be honest - I'm on edge.

I've been doing really well lately, and have raked in some big pots with a combination of skill and luck. The only trouble is that when it comes to cards, I'm a realist - I know that it's going to have to end sometime.

But not tonight. (I hope.)

So far hosting has worked out well for me - and I hope the streak continues. It's not all about the winning though - I enjoy the social aspect as well - but winning makes that aspect just a little bit better.

However it turns out, I'm sure I'll have a good time - and that is what counts, no?


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Dear Mike Meyers:

I have just finished watching Shrek the Third with my family.

I was somewhat hopeful when I picked up the DVD - my son loved the movie when we saw it in the theater, but I didn't much care for it. I was thinking that maybe a second viewing would bring something new to the table.

I was wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment the Shrek franchise went horribly astray - I think it was either one minute into this movie or maybe even back to the musical number at the end of Shrek 2. Either way, it lost whatever refreshing flavor it may have had.

I had trouble finding any humor in this movie - and that's bad for a guy who rates dick & fart jokes as high class. (The closest I get is when the Gingerbread Man shits a gumdrop.) My son laughed once - when errant flatulence starts a fire - and that was it. Yet he still says he liked the movie. Who knows - he probably thought it was a drama, he's only 4 after all.

It'd be great if my kids could understand that Pinocchio was a puppet who wanted to be a real boy and not a sass-mouth who wears ladies undergarments. I'd like them to think that Rapunzel never wore a wig and that Puss 'N Boots wasn't a smarmy Spaniard. I'm not sure where the Brothers Grimm are buried, but I bet they are spinning something fierce.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd let the franchise die. You're obviously not enjoying it, except for the bags of cash they throw at you for doing each one, so it's best just to leave it where it lies. I know that based on the DVD numbers they will more than likely ask you to make another one.

But be strong, Mike. Think of the kids.


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Jack of All Trades.

Today I :
  • Did errands downtown with the Kids. (This is harder than it looks.)
  • Changed my outside light-bulbs and planned for Christmas lights - yes, I know it's not December yet.
  • Replaced the Ballcock valve on my en-suite toilet. (It's okay, you can laugh when you say "Ballcock" - I did.)
  • Sent out Poker email for the Rambler House Weekly Invitational. (This wasn't as hard as it looked.)
  • Changed the water in the fish tank. (Yes, I have fish and they are very manly ones too.)
  • Did all my other parent/homeowner things too.
So now I'm ready to just kick back and relax... but wait!
I have to take the Kids for their Flu shots.

Yeah... Think about that.
My nights not getting any better, is it?


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Helping The World.

It's great being able to help others.

But I understand that you can't help everyone - especially those who found you under false pretenses.

Like the (I assume) gentleman above - he thought he was getting information about increasing his penis girth with raisins - just because I wrote about some spam. I'm sorry that I was unable to help him, as Google seemed to think that I could. (Google must know something I don't.)

I hope that he was at least mildly entertained for a moment before he had to renew his quest for penile enhancement. (Tip for the unsatisfied woman: Don't go to Dubai.)

I'm off to help the next person who stumbles into my end of the Blogosphere - but first I'm going to eat an entire box of raisins.


Monday, November 12, 2007


The power was out when I got up today.

(Thank God for battery backup or I never would have got up on time. I'd like to note that trying to shave by flashlight doesn't seem safe, so I skipped it altogether.)

It was still out when I left for work, and wasn't on when I got there.

Now since I'm salary, I couldn't just shrug my shoulders and go home - that would have been too easy. We sent all the regular staff home and stayed closed, but that still meant I had to get some stuff done.

Work is hard enough - working in the dark doubly so. (Although I do most of my best work in the dark, Ladies. Wink-wink.) It was mainly just an inconvenience, but I will say I actually missed the radio today - the music helps you move along, even if it is shitty music.

But I persevered, and we did end up opening - an hour before I'm scheduled to go home. Only a slight bit of chaos, and then everything was as it should be.

I'm glad I'm not working tomorrow, just in case round two hits. (That would be a complete clusterfuck, I can tell you that.) I'll stay in and watch the trees sway from the comfort of my couch.


Sunday, November 11, 2007

What Was That? ...I Forgot.

Once again, Public Radio has supported my belief that mankind is being run by the Lowest Common Denominator.

This weekend, in honor of Remembrance Day, our local station has decided to have a "Double Shot Long Weekend" - two songs in a row by selected artists. I have no idea what this has to do with Remembrance Day. Double Shot? Is it some strange War reference, maybe a gun thing? I don't know. Sounds more like a promotion for a Coffee Bar than celebrating a holiday commemorating Veterans.

"Thanks for being on the front line, Gramps - Because you held The Kaiser in check we'll play not one, but TWO Dire Straits songs."

"It's great that you were on the beach for D-Day, now you sit on a bench and enjoy twice as much Nickelback!"

I'm telling you, my Grandpa is excited.

It seems to me that of all holidays, this one seems now to be more about the day off than the day itself. I don't recall hearing anything today about Remembrance Day events - just celebrations that some people don't have to go to work on Monday.

They'll forget everything else. but they'll remember that.

And I find that sad. (And infuriating - let's not forget infuriating.)


Saturday, November 10, 2007


No time to blog...It's Poker Night!

Rambler's hosting - and it's time to chip up!

Wish me luck....


Edit - Big Bucks again! I'm starting to like this hosting thing......

Friday, November 09, 2007

See Right Through Me.

There is something unnerving about Dental X-Rays - I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the fact that they cover me with a lead apron. I'm glad that they are concerned about excess radiation and my testes, but since I had the operation, they don't have to worry anymore. I should have just told her to skip it. (Why beat a dead horse, right?)

Or maybe it's the HUGE FUCKING CANNON they point right at my head. If the film can fit in my mouth, why does the camera have to be so huge? Can't they make it a bit smaller? We are in an age of technological marvels and they have a howitzer pointed at my skull to see what's inside.

Even if they just went with camera sounds. "Click" - not bad. "Hmmmrmmrm~chunk" - doesn't sound reassuring. I guess it's because in one instance they are letting light onto something, and in my case they are shooting radiation into my skull.

But it's probably just that they leave you alone. "Yes - it's a harmless procedure, won't take a second - I'm just covering you with lead and going into the other room." I think that's what bothers me most of all. I'd like to see a technician with some balls - one who stays in the room for every shot. You'd have to pay them more, but it's okay. They can do so much more, what with their third arm and all.


Thursday, November 08, 2007

Serious Business.

Give yourself a round of applause.

The only reason I've come out of my drug-induced, yet pain-ridden stupor is to poke at the keyboard and let you know I am still (barely) functioning.

I just wish the pain would go away.

I see the Dentist at 8am to-morrow, but afterwards have to go to work. I hope that I can either get it fixed to-morrow or find some way to quietly suffer through my day. (More drugs, maybe?)

I'm tired of pudding.
I'm tired of mushy food.
I'll never tire of Spicy Soup, but that is not the point.

I hope this ends to-morrow.


Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I'm Gay.

...Or at least you all think I am.

See that poll on the right?

All you had to do was choose which coffee was gayer- mine or The Sidekicks, and you picked mine.

Thanks for nothing.

Now I'm questioning my sexuality and my choice in coffee.

I disagree though - I fail to see how a plain mocha, even a White Chocolate one, is fruitier than some Hazelnut thing with more changes to it than RuPaul.

But I'll live with my choice - it just means I have to drink it with my pinky extended, that's all.
And listen to the Sidekick's gloating.

Thanks again, really.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Say No to (Shitty) Drugs.

So I got some drugs to help combat my Dental dilemma.

Problem is, they don't seem to work very well or very long. (If anyone says the drugs are just copying my natural characteristics, I'll kick their ass.)

I think it's the fact that I have a low pain threshold, yet a high resistance to pain relievers. Tylenol and shit has never really worked for me - I've always had to go to the heavier prescription drugs. But with the tots around, I don't really want to be doped out of my mind.

It's driving me batty.

Hopefully it'll only be a couple more days (I see the Dentist on Friday) and then this will all be over. I have a feeling that by the time I get to see him, everything will be fine and he'll look at me like I'm some kind of idiot.

Until then I'll take my shitty pain pills and my shitty antibiotics and suffer in shitty agony.

Anyone else notice a recurring theme there?

Yeah, I thought so.


Monday, November 05, 2007

The Tooth Fairy is a Crack Whore.

My mouth fucking hurts.

In the span of twenty-four hours I've gone from Crunchy Snacks and Peanuts to Smoothies and Soup. (And not good soup either.)

I have an abscess, and there is nothing that can be done except medicate and wait. I'd love for the whole damn thing to be ripped out of my skull right now, but that can't happen.

Instead I'm in agony, my skull throbbing in blistering pain, like I fell asleep against a Giant Speaker that only looped Celine Dion. (Yes - it is that bad.)

I'm off to pop some more drugs, and maybe even put some 'tussin on it. Then I have to make my lunch for tomorrow.

What kind of soup am I gonna have?
Any suggestions?


Sunday, November 04, 2007

Paid Out.

If you'll notice, this is being posted in the wee hours of the morning.

Poker just finished at the Rambler Homestead, and the night was great for the hosts.

We cashed out for $98 tonight, which is good considering it's a $10 buy-in game. (My portion was the lion's share - I'll be honest.) Even with our re-buys earlier, we still doubled our money.

The kids slept like babies, and I added to their college fund. (Or my X-Box 360 fund, whatever.)

Can it possibly get any better than this?

Maybe on March 14th, but that's about it.


Saturday, November 03, 2007


I'm always in favor of something new and different.

Quirky and interesting also work for me.

So I'm glad that I found all of it rolled up into one T.V. show - Pushing Daisies.

This show is so unlike anything I've ever seen on televison. The story, plots and pacing are all spot-on. The characters and dialogue are what make it for me. If Kevin Smith had to write material for Prime-Time viewing on Network T.V, this is type of dialouge he'd put out. It's rapid-fire and delivered very well.

There hasn't been an episode that I haven't liked yet. (The Wife? She hates it.) But I know it's not for everyone. If you know my type of humor, you'll like it. Keep in mind it's on televison, so it's not as crude as I normally go, but for PG stuff, it's great.

What am I saying? Go watch it already!


Friday, November 02, 2007

Lunchtime Laughter.

Goddamn, Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh.
The only problem is after watching this, I now want a club sandwich.

Where did I put the Mayo?


Thursday, November 01, 2007

Easy Watchin'

Handing out candy is a boring job.

We get about 60 - 80 kids in my neighborhood each Halloween. It's not enough to make it a full-time job from dinner to bed, and it's too many to just shut off the lights and pretend I'm not home.

So it's nice that I can at least have something good to watch (and pause) when I'm not handing out the sweets.

I know your looking at the picture and thinking - "Really? Bordello of Blood? That's his idea of quality filmmaking?". You'll just have to hear me out.

I don't own it.(But I'm thinking of it now.) It happened to be on T.V last night, and I went with that selection. I didn't need to see a slasher film, but I did want something a little bit Halloweenny to watch as I doled out the treats.

And it is a good show. How can you deny these great features:
  • Dennis Miller at his witty best.
  • A Vampire Whorehouse - c'mon, that's just special right there.
  • Corey Feldman dies not once, but twice.
  • Titties, titties, titties.
  • Campy, crazy, funny characters.
  • Holy water in squirtguns.
  • Erkia Eleniak playing a religious girl who doesn't believe in premarital sex. (How many times was she in Playboy?) Oh, the Irony.
I'll admit - I did switch back and forth between this and From Dusk Till Dawn. (I know the Sidekick will want to slap me for choosing someone other than Tarantino/Rodriguez) Two similar movies - but I went with the funny one and it worked for me.

Thinking back, I should have Tivo'd it. But now it's just another excuse to buy a DVD, right?

I endorse this movie, and if you haven't seen it, rent it next Halloween - it's good for a laugh.
(And did I mention Titties?)


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fright Night.

Ah, Halloween.

Tonight I will take my spawn and parade them around to the homes of strangers. Should the strangers find them pleasing, they will be rewarded with treats. (Good Family holiday, right?)

As soon as I'm done taking them out, The Wife takes them and visits all the relatives. Me? I stay at the homestead and had out candy to other peoples kids. (I'm thinking I might shut the lights off and watch Shaun of the Dead, but that wouldn't be keeping with the spirit of the holiday.)

Either way, it's a long night.

I yearn for the days when Halloween meant dressing like a Hobo and getting drunk at a party. When I was younger all the girls dressed like pumpkins or clowns. Now it's all about Naughty Nurses and Slutty Vampires. (Bitter? Not me.) No wonder young males take their fireworks and blow up everything in sight - it's not vandalism, it's sexual overload.

The picture on the right is what my Jack 'o Lantern looks like. Yes, my creative input involved printing out something I found on the Internet. The kids like it and that's what counts. I must say I did a hell of a job.

Watch out for the Ghosts and Goblins if you are out - and if you come to my house, don't knock - I'll be watching a movie.