Monday, June 30, 2008

Bite Of Passage.

The Boy hit a milestone today - he lost his first tooth.

As much as I would have hoped that this would have occured while getting in his first fight or while stopping pucks for an NHL franchise, (Hey, Tiger golfed at 3) it came out naturally, at home, with just a bit of encouragement.

What impressed me the most? The Boy himself yanked it out.
(Does that mean he'll be a dentist? I can live with that.) For him to do that took more guts than anything - people have been telling him about the door-slamming trick since it started wiggleing. I think he yanked it to prevent that from happening.

So we put it in an envelope, wrote "Tooth Fairy" on it and tucked it under his pillow. Right now, the Tooth Fairy is waiting for him to fall asleep so he can get the envelope and replace it with $5.

Yeah, that's right - $5.

I spoil my kids.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

Too Hot To Post.

It's 11:15pm right now, and it's still 25° outside.

That's too fuckin' hot.

Right now my ass cheeks are sticking to the chair, thus breaking my concentration and preventing me from forming any coherent thought.

It's not pleasant.

I didn't remember it being this hot last year - but then I went and looked at a couple of posts from around this time - this is when I was sitting with bags of frozen peas in my crotch, shortly after my vasectomy.

Funny how I look back fondly on that, now. (The peas, not the surgery.)

Ahhhh - Good Times.


Saturday, June 28, 2008


After a day like today, nothing is better than chilling with the Sidekick to vent and relax.

Coffee is my fuel, and the release of frustrations and irritations from dealing with the general public is the dangerous by-product. (I don't think it's harmful to the ozone, but who knows.)

But that's why this post is short: I'm not really here, but at Timmy's - you'll be able to see the steam from when I vent.


Friday, June 27, 2008


Ten-Digit Dialing is being thrust upon us.

It doesn't bother me that much, but getting used to it's a bitch.

Right now I get a stern female computer voice reminding me to dial the correct way, and my call goes through. Eventually they will have it so the call just doesn't connect unless dialed properly.

I'd rather just have my call not make it. The impersonal reprimand from a machine doesn't teach me anything - it just annoys me so I quickly hang up and dial again. I don't even hear the whole message. (That's how I am with most stern female voices - selective hearing.)

Certain things are easy. All the pre-programmed numbers I deal with? Changed 'em in five minutes and never looked back. It's only when I'm dialing certain numbers (like home) that I find myself making the error over and over.

I'll get used to it eventually. I can adapt.

I feel bad for my sons. By the time they are dating, getting a girls phone number will be a nightmare involving six feet of paper. ("My number? Yeah it's 250-645-8748-79986-54893-2211-28008-0223".)



Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Feel Shame.

Yes, I went and saw a movie about an Israeli hairdresser.

That's all I want to hear about it, okay?

Fun movie, but too much hommus for my liking.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Suspension Of Disbelief.

I can believe a man turns into a Green Monster and smashes things.

I can believe Assassins who can curve bullets in mid-air.

I can believe a man can fly around in a suit of metal.

I can even believe that Keanu Reeves will be able to "whoa" his way through a new movie. (That never should have been remade in the first place.)

But asking me to believe that the modern-day Toronto Maple Leafs are playing in the Stanley Cup Finals? Uh-unh. Stop the bus, I'm gettin' off.

No thanks, Mr. Myers - I can't suspend my disbelief that much.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Juice-Box Uncertainty Principle.

As a parent, I find that there's one moment when your child holds complete power over you. The next ten minutes of your life are in their hands, and the outcome can be pleasant or disastrous.

When does this happen?

Anytime you hand a toddler a juice-box.

You see, when ever you give a kid anything, you always tell them to "Hold on tight." - this works great for everything in life except for juice-boxes and kittens. The moment of uncertinty is when you hand them the box and see how they grab it. One of two things can happen:
  1. Child grabs box, takes a sip, enjoys tasty beverage, happiness abounds.
  2. Child squeezes box, juices shoots out straw - covering child, child's clothes, and any carpet within 500 meters. - the next ten minutes are spent cleaning up and changing clothes. And the kid's still thirsty.
And it can go either way - there's a different outcome each time.

I think I'd almost rather play Russian Roulette with a nail gun. It'd be less stressful. (And messy.)


Monday, June 23, 2008

Mid-Afternoon Nap.

One of the greatest things in the world is a nap in the middle of the day.

(Especially since I've been getting up @ 5:30 to go to the gym.)

Right now I feel refreshed, alert, and ready to.... take another nap, hopefully.

God I'm such a lazy bastard sometimes.


Sunday, June 22, 2008

Too Cool For School.

With the exclusion of State Troopers and Rock Gods, anyone I see wearing mirrored shades is - I assume, a total douchebag.

So far I haven't been proven wrong.

In this day and age, with all the varied styles and shapes, why would you stick with sunglasses that essentially make you look like a predator? Mirrored shades haven't been cool since '82, and I don't think
they'll come back again anytime soon.

Get some real sunglasses - and maybe a life , while you're at it.



Saturday, June 21, 2008


I was outside at work today and saw one of these monstrosities drive by.

With gas at $1.42 a litre, you are basically saying one of two things when driving this truck:
  1. I have a very large wallet.
  2. I have a very small penis.
Given the fact that the one that drove by me was canary yellow and chromed up shinier than a Rap Star's "grill", I'd say the later is probably right.

I almost wanted to yell out "Nice carbon footprint, motherfucker!" , but I'm not that eco-friendly.


Friday, June 20, 2008

Closet Hero.

As I've stated before, I'm on my way to Rock Stardom.

I'm rippin', shreddin', and rockin' out with the best of them. There's just one issue - I look like an idiot while I'm doing it.

This normally wouldn't be a problem, but my TV is in my living room, which is at the front of my house, which has a big-ass window that looks right out onto the street. Anyone walking by can look in and see me wailin' on my Whammy Bar. (That's not as dirty as it sounds.)

The only way around this?

I play Guitar Hero with the curtains closed - to hide my shame.

In time, I will emerge from my cocoon and take my rightful place in the pantheon of Guitar Gods. Until I can learn to hammer on without having my tongue clenched in-between my teeth, I'll have to wait. (It'll be a bit - I'm having trouble with a song by Slayer.)

So if you walk by a house and the curtains are closed, yet the grinding sounds of Rock N' Roll are impossible to ignore, just smile and nod - you'll know what's going on back there.


Thursday, June 19, 2008

Can't Take No For An Answer.

I think I do pretty well as a parent. I can handle it all - sickness, injury, hunger, vampires - you name it. But the biggest enemy I have is Perceived Necessity.

Basically, it's sorting out the stuff my kids need from the stuff they just think they need. I can provide a peanut-butter sandwich no problem, but try to convince them they need that instead of the latest Optimus Prime Mega-super-set.

The oldest Boy is the worse. He just doesn't see "no" as being the end of the conversation. He will try to negotiate, stall, suggest, and outright bribe to get what he wants.

At worst, he just keeps asking every five minutes. (And that's the tactic that drives me nuts the most.) I just can't get him to understand that if I said "no" the last 12 times, what makes number 13 so special? He thinks that by asking me over and over it shows how much he "needs" to have what he wants.

That's twisted.

I've tried everything - time outs, time ins, listening to The Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want" - and it slowly seems to be working. (He gets his tenacity from his Dad - if it was plain 'ol stubbornness, I'd point to the maternal side of the equation.) But every once in a while it pops up again, and the battle ensues once more.

The reassuring thing?

I win at least 45% of the time.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bob Villa Can Lick My Balls.

(Not that I'd want him to - that beard would itch.)

Today I was a domestic machine.

I started the day off by fixing a toilet, edging the lawn, weed eating, mowing front and back yards, and finished of with pressure-washing my entryway and driveway.

Did I mention I had the kids with me the whole day? (Juggle that, bitches.) That's got to be worth extra points somehow.

Finish that off with cleaning the kitchen, doing the dishes, and cooking dinner - it means I don't feel guilty about not going to the gym tonight. (I still would have rather been there.) I have to go back to work tomorrow just to rest.

Yes, I'm that hardcore.

Aren't you proud of me?

I thought so.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

And I Thought Jeans Guy Was Bad...

You'll all remember this guy.

Well, I think I found his Wife.

I was looking to change my cellphone account - upgrade from pay&talk to a shared plan - so I went down to my carrier's store to inquire about my options.

I go in with The Boys, and out from the back comes one of the surliest people I've ever met. She's about 25, very pregnant, and in the foulest of moods. I chalk up the irateness to the fetus within and tell her what I'm looking for and ask what my options are. I think I had interrupted her on her way to her break, so I figured that played a part in her demeanour as well.

She rolls her eyes at me and proceeds to point at the chart on the wall behind her, as if by some miracle I'm supposed to discover what I need amongst the formulaic writing crammed into a postage-stamp sized space. When I enquire if the term comes with a new phone, she slams two models on the counter and just looks at me.

(You have to understand - I'm not an annoying customer - I ask clear questions and am always polite - so her hostility has me somewhat surprised.)

I thanks her for her time and tell her I might be back later. She grunts and heads to the back room. The Boys and I leave.

I'm parked across from the store, and as I'm putting the youngest one in his carseat, I see Miss Sunshine come out the entrance. She's on a mission, and is moving mighty fast - to the smoking area. Yeah, that's right. I even see her light up and puff away as she's making the last few steps there.

I guess the break I was interrupting was the one her and her unborn child were going to have.

You know, if I don't understand the motivations of a guy who wears jeans to the gym, I'm sure as hell not going to understand the motivations behind a woman who smokes while pregnant. As a reformed smoker, I'm really lenient with those who do smoke, (It's your lungs, do what you want.) but even I know that there's sometimes when you just shouldn't smoke - and the nine months of pregnancy seems to fall in that category, right behind playing in a puddle of gas.

In case you were wondering, I didn't change my cell plan after all.


Monday, June 16, 2008

Greased Lightin'

New shoes make a world of difference.

See those babies to the right? Those are what you'll see on my feet next time to catch me running. I shouldn't say see, precisely, because I'll be moving so fast you'll just see a blue/white blur.

Running in these on makes it seem like I was running with lead weights on my feet. Heated lead weights. The airflow and weight on them is remarkable. The extra cushioning is great. (That's to say that there is cushioning - my last pair had virtually none.)

When I ran today, the only thing that prevented me from going father and longer was myself, not my feet. That's the biggest change.

I can't wait to run some more in them - I'm sure that once I finish breaking them in, they'll be even better.

Catch me if you can.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Just Doing My Job.

The amount of praise and presents one gets for having unprotected sex is amazing.

Today I had waffles for breakfast, (Homemade, not toaster.) cards from the kids, and Guitar Hero 3 waiting in the Living Room when I got out of the shower. Did I also mention the kids let me sleep until 7:15? (That's almost a record.)

You know, all this really isn't necessary. I love being a Dad, no matter how much they may annoy or frustrate me. The presents are a plus, but the real cool part is knowing one of my kids can recite the entire membership of the Justice League, and the other one has almost stopped crapping in his pants. (I say almost 'cause it's a work in progress.)

That day can't come soon enough.

To all the Dads celebrating this day: Happy Father's Day. (That includes you, Pops.)

And to all the don't-wanna-be Dads: Wrap that shit up tight.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

No Time

It's Poker Night, I just got home from work, and people will be here in 20 minutes.

You're not really expecting a post, are you?

I didn't think so.

Thanks - I'll make it up, I swear.


Friday, June 13, 2008

Camera Shy.

So yesterday I bought a webcam.

I need it so that the kids can talk to their Grandparents when they go on their trek across Canada. I'll be cool that they'll be able to see them, and not just have to get by with regular phone conversations.

I hate it.

I'm not a real fan of having my picture taken. I was at one time, but not anymore. You will probably never see a profile picture in the upper right of the blog. (Unless I lose another ten or fifteen pounds - then it'll be a picture of my six-pack.)

I just never look good in pictures. You know that guy, who in every photo is either blinking, yawning, sneezing, has his neck angled weirdly, or is looking anywhere but the camera? That's me. I may think I'm taking a good picture, but it doesn't ever turn out that way.

(The picture in my mind? Chiseled good looks. The reality? I look like a polar bear slathered in bacon fat.)

I look drunk in every picture - even when I'm sober.
(And contrary to popular belief, I'm not a pretty drunk.)

Using the webcam will be a cinch - I'll place the kids in front, and hide behind them while it's in use. That's all it'll be used for. It's not like I'm going to host streaming video on YouTube of me blogging at my desk. (Riveting as that may be.)

And the day I break down and post my face on the web? You'll know that's a sad day indeed.


Thursday, June 12, 2008


Thank God I never took clothing tips from 80's cartoons.

I did own a pink polo once, but it was 1986 - they were as common as tight-rolled jeans and high-tops.

Now that I think about it, maybe I'll go as Destro for Halloween. Does anyone know where I can get a badass medallion?


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Horticulturally Inadequate

Your Lawn is more than just grass.

The way your lawn looks, and is kept, says a lot about who you are and how you present yourself to the world.

Right now, my lawn says that I'm a lazy-ass piece of shit who couldn't care what the rest of the neighborhood had to say.

(Actually, it's not that bad.)

I haven't really had the time to devote to my lawn like I have in past years. I've only been able to mow and weed-whack, and that's about it. No fertilizer, no weed& feed, and I haven't even touched my side lot where the weeds are getting nasty.

So basically it looks the shits.

It's still about average for my area, it's just that I have high expectations. Thank God for the rental house down the street, and the scuzzy house across from them. If they weren't around, I'd feel even guiltier about my lawn. But next to four foot high grass and toys strewn all over, my lawn looks like something the PGA should be playing on.

Tomorrow's my day off, so some portion of the day will be devoted to the yard. I'll do what I can, and just keep plugging away at it. (I'm thinking about going for a Rock Lawn, or maybe Astro turf - whaddaya think?


Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Teeing Up My Balls.

By the time you read this, I'll be on the links.

One of the Reps we deal with is taking me and a couple of guys out golfing at one of the swankier courses around here. Everything is included - carts, booze, dinner - you name it.

I like it when I get to go out like this. It allows me to play courses I wouldn't normally be able to afford. And anytime someone is feeding me free booze, it's a good thing.

So I'll have to change my previous statement:

By the time you read this, i'll be on the links, and hammered out of my mind.

There, that's better.

Wish me luck - I just might need it.


Monday, June 09, 2008

One Thousand.

One Thousand.

That's a pretty big number.

It's taken me just over three years to reach a Thousand posts. That's a lot of words pouring out of my brain. (Let me tell you, the Google spellchecker's been working overtime lately.)

I always envisioned reaching this milestone. I thought that once I hit it, I would have an epiphany, and the Blogging heavens would open up before me and show me the way.

As I type this, I can tell you my monitor still looks the same.

Maybe post 1001 .......


Sunday, June 08, 2008

Child's Play.

Skipping Rope is hard.

Not the act itself (I'm coordinated enough to pull it off), but the energy it takes to do it continually over a given length of time.

I was looking to get some cardio in today, and I thought I'd try jumping rope. The Sidekick and I have tried it a couple of times at the gym, and it gives you a good increase in your heart rate between sets.

I headed out to the garage and started spinning. As a kid, I remember jumping rope and still being able to play on the monkey bars, run some plays in touch football, and still have a little left over for pulling the pigtails of cute little girls. Of course you never count how many times you skipped, you just did it until it got boring. (Which for me was probably less than 5 minutes.)

I skipped 1100 times tonight, and I'm exhausted. My calves are burning. I don't remember sweating while jumping rope as a child, but there's a small puddle in my garage that says it happens.

I guess it goes to show that even though I still feel like a kid, I can't really preform like one anymore. (But I'll give it my best shot.)

Next time I see some kids doing Double Dutch, I'm going to stop and ask for tips.


Saturday, June 07, 2008

I Feel....

  1. That the guy on the Radio is a complete idiot. If you say that "Touch of Grey" is your favorite Grateful Dead song, it really means it's the only Grateful Dead song you know.

  2. Forget the protein shakes and supplements - the greatest thing after a hard workout is a Timmy's XL 2 Cream, 2 Sweetener. Start your day off right, dammit.

  3. That my ideal job would be just walking around the store and bulshitting with people. Either that or Porn.

  4. That sometimes I don't eat enough roughage.
  5. That pretty soon I'll be taking a gas can and siphon tube with me on my morning jog. Stealing other peoples gas reduces my carbon footprint, right?

  6. That when I wake up feeling like I've slept in late, only to see that it's actually 7am, means I'm either getting up way too early on my gym days, or else I'm still asleep and soon my dream will involve clowns dancing naked.

  7. That the less I physically look like Mike Matusow, the more my Poker luck seems to echo his. (How many rivers can one man take?)

  8. That running on the Treadmill comes in three stages: Why the hell am I doing this; This feels great, I should do it more often; and When the fuck can I get off this thing?

  9. That Peanut Butter should be it's own food group. Healthy or unhealthy, that shit's amazing.

  10. That trying to come up with Ten interesting things to say is harder than it looks. Try it sometime. (And yes, complaining about my lack of roughage is interesting. You're reading about it, right?)


Friday, June 06, 2008

Time Flies.

Whoever said "Time flies when you're having fun" was obviously full of shit.

I was having a shitty day today and it still flew by.

I always find that if I have to have everything done by a certain time ( say a half hour earlier than usual), then time seems to run away from me. Things that would normally take 20 minutes to do suddenly take 45. Delays and needless interruptions continually pop up.

(What's that? You want to send a fax? Too bad - the lines tied up. Oh - now the paper's jammed - and there's a busy to be you.)

That's pretty much how my day at work went today.

It would be easier to accept if I was off work tomorrow, but I have to go in and cover the afternoon for someone who is sick. (I'm going to quote my good friend Mr. Hicks - "I'm not even supposed to be here today!") At least I won't be rushed to go anywhere.

I'm sure because I don't really want to be there that time will be a bitch and crawl forward, every second stretching out into eternity...

Oh yeah, it'll be great.


Thursday, June 05, 2008

Dr. Tran, Again.

Because I have Poker tonight, you get to enjoy the magic of Dr. Tran once more.

Although not as funny as my previous posting, this one did cause me to shoot milk out my nose.


Wish me luck with the cards tonight.


Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Shia LeBeouf Is Living My Dream.

Just got back from seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with The Sidekick - good movie - I'd rate it above Temple, but below Raiders and Last Crusade. For a child of my generation, it was great just to see Indy one last time.

Speaking of my generation, how unfair is it that some kid who's 15 years younger than me gets to be in all the movies I ever dreamed of being a part of? I would have jumped at a chance to be in Transformers, and I certainly would have made a better sidekick than Short Round. ("No worries, Doctor Jones - there's always time for Love.")

This punk LeBeouf is getting all the dream jobs.

And it gets worse.

I checked out IMDB, and it turns out that he's been in stuff that I would have given my left testicle to be in. (And that was even before the surgery.) Check it out:
  • Animated Movie: Surf's Up - sure, it sucked, but hey- cartoons.
  • Hitchcock Remake: Disturbia
  • Comic Book Movie: Constantine
  • Asimov Future Movie: I, Robot
  • Mindless Action Movie: Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
  • Sci Fi TV Show: The X Files (One episode, but that's one more than I've been in.)
Just to be fair, he's also been in a lot of crap I wouldn't be caught dead watching, never mind being in.

Still, he's the guy living out my childhood fantasies. Thank God he's not cast for a role in The G.I. Joe movie - I would have to eat my liver out of jealousy. (Really I would make a great General Hawk or Duke.)

Now if I could only super-impose me over him when Crystal Skull comes out on DVD - then I just might have to rate it above Raiders.

We'll see.


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Welcome Back, Dr. Tran.

I recently found this at a forum I visit, and fell in love all over again.

Dr. Tran is the shit.

There's more at YouTube, but I just thought I'd post the one I liked the most.



Monday, June 02, 2008


Blogger was pissing me off this morning.

It was my plan to talk about the song that was going through my head in the shower, but when I went to post, I kept getting a "time out - unable to connect" from Blogger. Oh, I could get to Google just fine, but any other Google site wouldn't work for me.

I even went so far as to reset my modem and router - on the off chance that it might have something to do with it. (It didn't.)

So when I finally get home from work and am able to connect, do you think I can remember the big epiphany I had?


(I know it had something to do with the song "Raspberry Beret", but I can't remember anything past that.)

Blame Blogger for your loss.

I know I am.


Sunday, June 01, 2008

Whackin' My Weeds.

Today I armed myself and kicked Mother Nature right in the.... well, you know where.

I've been meaning to tackle some yard work recently, and I've finally gotten my shit together and just done it. I had to pick up some line for my whacker, but once that was done, I was set.

I jumped into the backyard and charged at that bush with everything I had. I flailed my whacker around like a man with a purpose. I wasn't going to stop 'till the job was done or I collapsed from exhaustion, whichever came first. At first I thought I couldn't handle it, but then I got my whacker under control and things fell into place. You know, once you get into a rhythm, it pretty much takes care of itself.

(Please try to ignore all of the obvious sexual innuendo in the previous paragraph. You didn't see it? What the hell are you reading this for?!)

After I was done I cleaned up my whacker, put it away in my garage, and went about with the rest of my day. I'll have to whack it again later in the week, but it's good to get it done anyway - gives one a sense of accomplishment.

I'm enjoying the yard work a lot more - I try to view it as exercise for my weight loss, and not as a chore to be dreaded. Seems to work for me. (It beats doing Squats, that's for sure.)

Who knows - this year I may even get a tan.

(Lets not push it - I'm still whiter than Casper.)