Sunday, December 31, 2006

Goodbye 2006.

Here lies 2006.

Cut down in it's prime, '06 was only 365 days old when it passed - called up to heaven, or down to hell depending on your viewpoint.

For the world at large, 2006 was no real change from the years before it. Nothing really exciting came down the pipe. The wars still raged in Afghanistan and Iraq, the price of fuel continued to climb, and people still went about their lives much as they do every year. I think there were maybe four people in the world who expressed disbelief that Lance Bass was gay, and two of them didn't even know who he was.

I'm horrible at doing a year end wrap up.

I have trouble trying to remember what happened in January. If you ask me what the most important events of the year were, I'd start listing stuff from November, just because outside of stuff that directly impacts me, I have no sense of time. Ask me what I was doing in the middle of May or the end of March and I'll tell you. (Chance of error +/- 24%) Ask me when s major event happened overseas and I'm clueless. If you want to know what the world deemed most important, go read a newspaper, I gots nothin' for ya.

Looking back, 2006 was not a bad year.
I'm still alive, I've got my health, everyone is okay, what more could I ask for?
If I win a million, 2007 will be a better year. (Trying a bit of advance wishing.)
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Tomorrow I'm going to post my resolutions.
(Yes - I know I said resolutions were a crock of shit last year, but I've changed my mind.)
We'll look back next year and see how I've done.

Be safe, everyone.


Saturday, December 30, 2006

Subliminal Message.

The fucking Radio was driving me nuts today.

Maybe it's because of the holiday, but they had the same songs on a loop, and it played about 3 times during my shift today. I only noticed because most of the songs were about Masturbation.

I'm not just dreaming this shit up either folks. There were some very specific songs in there about the art of self pleasure.

They played the shit over and over again.

If they played "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper one more time I would have snapped. I get it. She's touching her clit.
I also heard "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls, "U + Ur Hand" by Pink, and I think I heard "Rattlesnake Shake" by Fleetwood Mac - although I'm not 100% on that last one. I was hoping for "Little Red Corvette" by Prince, but I don't think they knew that one.

I think the DJ is trying to tell us that he's very lonely in the booth. I'm glad to see that he was going with a theme though, and that he was sticking to it. (That is a horrible pun I know, but I just couldn't help it.)

I'm glad to say that next to annoying me, it didn't really affect me at all.

Except my palms got all sweaty and I kept looking longingly at the Papaya.

Thank God that my shift soon ended and I was able to escape the radio's maddening hold on my libido.

I hope they change the tape tomorrow.

But then again, maybe not.....


Friday, December 29, 2006

Storage Problem.

There is so much crap in my house that I do not know what to do with it.

With Christmas and The Boys Birthdays all in less than a week, the sheer amount of wrapping paper and still-boxed presents is overwhelming. As I go through my Domestic Chores today, I find it all a bit maddening. (The wrapping paper is all gone, but everything is still in it's just-opened state.)

I like a neat, orderly home. My obsessive compulsive nature demands it. I'm not a neat freak/germaphobe, but I like to have everything in it's place. This transition with all the new items received at Christmas leaves me a bit out of sorts.

You see, all my shit is put away. Everything I got is exactly where it is supposed to be. It's all the kids stuff that throws me off. We now have to go through the old toys, remove what is not being used, and slowly introduce the new toys. (In case you are wondering, there were presents from last Christmas and Easter that were just introduced in September. Toy rotation is like laundry, it never ends.)

I've busted my ass and finally have most of the house in shape. My solution? Chuck almost everything into the garage so it's out of the way, and then work on it from there. If I had to look at that disorganization on a daily basis, someone was going to get hurt.

But it's almost over now.

The stress is slowly starting to fade as the clutter dissipates. If only there was a way I could fully relax.... Has anyone seen my Cumchuckers?


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Spike of Doom.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm getting old and weak.

I received some DVDs and Games for Christmas, and I've noticed that they are notoriously difficult to get out of the case. (Did I say difficult? I meant fucking impossible.) It's like the guy at the factory who puts the DVDs in the cases was related to Vlad the Impaler.

I have to twist and turn and practically snap the DVD in half to get it out of the case the first time. Once I've popped it's case cherry, it seems to slide easily on it's spike. (Yes, like almost everything else in life, DVD's have a cherry. Hawt.) It's just getting it out the first time that is so frustrating and troublesome.

I haven't yet, but the first time I end up snapping a disc because of one of those spikes, someone is going to pay. I have a feeling it will only happen on a really nice DVD that I've wanted for a long time and had a difficult time in obtaining. (It won't happen to Pretty Woman, it'll happen to a signed copy of Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder.)

Unfortunately if they do fix this problem we could end up with a lot of loose DVDs in cases, rattling around, getting all scratchy and useless. That's not a good alternative.

The best solution I could come up with involved cardboard and a lot of Duct Tape. (As you can tell I used up all my good ideas on the previous post.) I think I'll have to leave this problem in the hands of the professionals. The Movie Industry - they haven't failed me yet. (Oh wait....)

Until then, I'll practice my technique on the Sidekick's DVDs - just in case.


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Greatest Idea Ever.

I'm not feeling well.

My nose itches, my heads stuffy, my throat is sore and I'm starting to hallucinate from the NyQuil.

As I was blowing my nose with a Kleenex (with lotion) I had an epiphany, a vision, a sure fire commercial hit.

Tissues made specifically for Masturbation.

They would have to be a little thicker than normal tissues (what with the projected volume they would have to clean up) and the absorbency should be increased if at all possible. You could have them with Lotion, Regular, or Anti-Viral in case you tug one off while out in the bushes or if you think there is a chance that you've given yourself V.D.

The box wouldn't be all flowers and puppies either. It would either be made to resemble stainless steel or have actual pornographic scenes on the box. It would be weighted so you could remove a tissue with one hand and not have the box tag along for the ride. Heck, forget the box, I bet these things would sell wonderfully in a pocket pack - (You know, like the tissues your Mom keeps in her purse?)

I even had a name in mind: Cumchuckers.

These things would sell themselves with the right marketing. Put samples in with skanky porno mags or a free box to every guy under eighteen who buys a computer with an Internet connection. (You have to put the product in the hands of the people who are likely to use it most.)

As soon as the NyQuil wears off I just might apply for a patent.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Get Out Of My House.

I mean it.

Over the past few days it seems like there have been a thousand people trooping in and out of my house.

With both of the boys having Birthdays within four days of each other and Christmas happening in between, it's been a parade of visitors.

The tiring part is cleaning up after everyone leaves. Would it be rude of me to ask them to take a piece of garbage with them when they go? What with all the gift wrap and boxes, my garbageman is going to have an aneurysm when he sees what is waiting for him on trash day. I should tip him or something, but I think the garbage guys around here make more than I do already.

But now all the visiting is done, the holiday season is winding down and the only people who are going to come to my house now are people that I want to come over.

And the Jehovah's.
But I've got traps for them.
(Chick Tracts and Bourbon.)


Monday, December 25, 2006

A Good Haul.

Santa was good to me.

Thinking back, I'm amazed that I received some of the gifts that I did. I haven't been giving out hints and I'm not really lusting after any particular gift. (That's a lie - I've been lusting, but the stuff I want isn't likely to just appear under my tree.)

My Brother gave me my Kevin Smith fix, with a Mooby Shirt and complete Clerks graphic novel. (I can hear the Sidekick salivating.) I also got Clerks 2 on DVD. Going to watch that as soon as I'm done writing this. I think I now own almost all of the View Askewniverse. (The Brother got An Evening With Kevin Smith 2 : Evening Harder - I'm a bit jealous.)

I received a lot of other great gifts (too many to list here) and I'm going to enjoy them all. My main shock is that this is the first year that I didn't get any Future Shop gift cards. My Boxing Day shopping extravaganza is woefully underfunded. (What with Tristan's birthday tomorrow I wouldn't have had much time anyway.) I think I might skip it and stay in town, maybe something here will catch my eye.

I've got a small stash burning a hole in my pocket, I'm not sure what I'll do.

I'm off to watch Rosario Dawson dance on the roof of a Fictional Fast Food Franchise.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

'Twas The Night Before Christmas...

And I'm at my house.

Had a drink at Work,
I'm feeling a bit soused.

The Gifts are not wrapped,
There's no tape or tags,

I'll do it the easy way,
And just use Gift Bags.

The kids just went down,
They are sleeping like logs.

I just sneaked in here,
To type and to Blog.

A House full of people
Await me Tomorrow.

I hope I don't kill someone,
Much to their sorrow.

Have a great day
To all who read this,

I'm drinking at Noon,
And I'm gonna get pissed.

Merry Christmas Everyone.


Saturday, December 23, 2006

There Are No Stupid Questions...

Oh, wait...

There's TONS of stupid questions, and I got asked most of them today.

I don't mind answering someones question if it's something that they don't actually know or are confused about. But it drives me batshit crazy when I'm answering peoples retarded questions just because they are to lazy to look or to stupid to see the painfully obvious.

While I'm telling you the knowledge that you need to know, Is it too much to ask that you appear to be absorbing at least some of what I'm saying? That vacant look that you assumed right after asking me you question doesn't instill me with confidence that you are understanding what I'm communicating.

And if I do answer your question, at least have the common courtesy to say thank you. I'm not asking for much. I don't want you to drop to your knees and blow me, I just want a thank you - or at least tell me that you understood what I was explaining to you. Turning around and walking away after I've given you directions to something doesn't warm my heart as much as you may think. (Oh the Shock!)

The biggest possible insult that you can give me? Right after I tell you something, I hear you ask the same question to someone else. If what I told you wasn't clear enough, say so. You're welcome to go get a second answer, but I know that they are going to tell you the same shit that I just told you. If you didn't hear what you wanted, let me know. But going and asking someone else? That just makes you look like an idiot and makes me look like a horrible communicator. (There is no way I'm a horrible communicator lady, I have a Blog on the Internet - that's nothing but communication!)

I know that tomorrow will be another day full of inane queries.
But I think I'm ready. I'm going to try and convince people I'm a deaf/mute and hope they all just go away.


Friday, December 22, 2006

I'm Done!

I finished off my Christmas Shopping today.

Thank Fucking God that's over with.

I hate trying to find stuff for people.
I usually work best under a pressure situation - no time to think if it's the wrong or right gift. Just go with your first instinct and regret it later. (Luckily my buyer's remorse only works when I'm shopping for myself - not for others.)

I had no idea what to get anyone at all. I just went with the flow and I think I did alright.

I haven't been giving out any hints on what I want this year. Everything that I want is shiny and expensive or possibly illegal (and let's not forget immoral too, while we are at it.) so I haven't been laying out any groundwork. It'll be interesting to see what Santa brings me.

But like I said, I'm done.

Now if I can just find someone to wrap it all.....


Thursday, December 21, 2006

1460 Days.

Today is The Boy's 4th Birthday.

Five Years ago today I can't recall what I was doing. I could have been working, home, drunk, sober, who knows. (Take your pick, it could have been any two of the four.)

Four Years ago today I was looking at a tiny wrapped up bundle, wondering how so much can change so fast.

The Boy and I have a wonderful relationship. I'm his mentor, his disciplinarian, and his friend. We have a great time together, and I enjoy every minute I have with him.

He woke me up today at 3:30am just to see if it was his Birthday yet.

He wasn't feeling well and actually got sick a couple of times today. (Upset Stomach.) I asked him if he wanted to cancel his party and we could do it later, but he said no and toughed it out. We canceled with some of the other kids who were coming just because we don't want them to get sick as well. He maintained a cheerful attitude throughout and was a great host and center of attention while everyone was here.
I'm very proud of him.

Best Moment of the Night: He puts down his new shiny toy (Fisher Price Digital Camera - Yeah, I'm that great of a Dad) and asks me to come cuddle with him because he thinks his tummy might be hurting again.

2nd Best Moment of the Night: He stops eating his cake, looks at me and says "Thanks Daddy, This is the best Birthday ever."

I have to do this all over again for the Number 2 Son's 1st Birthday in 5 days. (Two kids in December? Yeah - I only get laid in March, and only every 3 years.)


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Lip Service.

I have a cold sore.

You know, that sounds a lot better than saying "I have an outbreak of Herpes Simplex Virus (Type 1) on my lip." (What did Eddie Murphy say? - "You keep that shit like luggage.")

I get cold sores occasionally. They usually arrive in times of stress, or when my body is run down. Right now, I think it's mostly the former. (Fuckin' Christmas - this time of year drives me nuts.)

They don't usually get that bad or even really noticeable, but I always feel like I look like that kid from Mask.

I normally stock up on the ol' Blistex here and just keep that baby moisturized. (If only all of life's issues could be solved by keeping them moisturized.) It normally goes away in a day or two. I hope that it's not too prominent in any of The Boy's birthday photos tomorrow.

Nothing I can do but wait it out.

And drink from a straw.

(Timmy's Coffee through a straw! It'll be all the rage!)


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Talent's In The Jeans.

(A little wordplay in the title - hope you don't mind.)

The Boy had his first Christmas pageant the other day.

His preschool has been teaching the kids two songs for about the last month. Yesterday was the the day that they got to show off their stuff. I wasn't able to go because I had to work, but I did get to see the Videotape. (Normally the only video I see is porn-related, so seeing a Christmas pageant was a new experience for me.)

The Boy is a total ham.

I'm watching this on T.V. while The Boy is sitting on my lap. The tape starts up and shows the children lined up getting ready to sing. The music starts, the kids are singing, and I notice that The Boy's mouth isn't moving in time to the song. (He looked like bad Japanese Dubbing - I was almost expecting subtitles.) He wasn't even singing. Oh, he was going through the motions, and if he had been in sync it would have looked like he was leading the troupe. I turned to him and asked if he was singing in the video. He looks at me and says "Not this song, Daddy." He goes on to sing the next one wonderfully. When I asked he said he didn't really like the song, but he liked being up there on the stage, so he faked it.

My Son - The Milli-Vanilli of preschool.

I'm not sure if I should be outraged or not.

Seeing him up there was excellent. He does actually have a lot of talent in that area.
He can remember some lyrics to songs almost instantly. (Even the crappy stuff other people expose him to.) He doesn't know it, but he's getting a guitar for Christmas. He'll use it's power to score chicks, I just know it.

And thus the seed of my lions starts to bloom.


Monday, December 18, 2006


Today was a Bad Day.

Not for any particular reason, but for a multitude of little ones.

I found almost everything that I had to accomplish at work today was dogged by tiny, annoying setbacks. No matter what task I was involved in, I was sure to come across something that would either slow it down or make it just that much more of a pain in the ass to do.

I usually voice my displeasure, but today I didn't. If you looked at each thing that was pissing me off, it would seem like I was being a whiny bitch. It's only when you look at it as a whole and its effect on my day that the reason for my displeasure is clear and understandable.

Every day that I work I like to accomplish a set number of tasks. I list them out and prioritize them. If I don't get that list done by the time my shift is supposed to be over, I'm pissed.
Call me crazy, call me anal, but it works for me.

I saw a cartoon once that said:

"God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."

That pretty much sums it up.

Back to it tomorrow.
If it's bad again I just might have to stab someone with a pencil.

A dull pencil.


Sunday, December 17, 2006

10 Things....

I want to do before I die.

  1. Skydive. - Really. I mean it. It'll probably be the way I go out- but what the hell- you've got to try it once, right?
  2. See Europe. - I'd really like to see some of the sights and just get a feel for the history. I don't live in a young country, but compared to Europe Canada is barely a teenager.
  3. Have Coffee with Kevin Smith and Dave Grohl. - You know it would be bitchin'. I would start smoking again just for that time period. So we could all smoke brothers.
  4. Drive a Hot Car. - Porsche, Lambo, Aston Martin, whatever. Just something that is insanely expensive and fast. I'll try not to hit anything with it.
  5. Go to Disneyland. - Yes I have never been there. I'd like to go twice. Once for me and once for the kids.
  6. Go Backstage. - I'd like to party with the band. What band? Well it would have to be a personal favorite. I really don't want to sit around and watch Metallica cry and then have a circle jerk.
  7. See the Playboy Mansion. - I've been to Vegas. The Mansion is the only other hedonistic center I know of in North America. The others? Why do you think I want to go to Europe?
  8. Fire a Bazooka. - I'm a man. Loud boom very funny. Me like make mass destruction.
  9. Write a Novel. - If you add up all the words I've typed in this blog since I've started, I bet I have a novel already. Maybe I should just print and bind it all together. We could call it A Steaming Piece of Shit: One Man's Thoughts on the Internet. (Just a rough working titlte, but still....)
  10. I do have a Tenth thing, but it's a sexual one, so I'm not going to put it out in the public eye. Take a guess, I think you just might know what it is.


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Mobile Madness

I like my cell phone.

I thought I'd get that out front, before I go off and rant about the things that piss me off about cell phones. (There are a couple - I thought I'd share them with you.) I just don't want anyone to accuse me of being a hater and start screaming "Luddite!"
  1. I know it's been addressed so many times, but do people really believe that by talking loudly throughout their whole conversation it must improve the signal reception? There's no expectation of privacy when I can hear you talk about your day from 30 feet away. (I'm sure your Mom's goiter will clear right up.)
  2. I think I've said it before, but I believe that cell phones have robbed 50% of the population of their ability to make any decision. If they come up against something they are not sure of, they just phone the other 50% and have them make the choice. I've personally witnessed someone call another person 3 times in the course of 15 minutes to decide what to have for dinner. Thank God it's not a life or death situation.
  3. Ringtones. - Forget first impressions. You can have a stellar first impression with someone, but the minute they hear your "Tickle Me Elmo" ring tone, you are back to being a freak. People seem to look at a ring tone as another way of expressing themselves. Let me tell you - if your ring tone is "My Humps" - You're a slut.
That's it. That's what frustrates me about cell phones right now. Forget dropped calls and roaming charges, I'm pissed about all the retards out there that have access to cell phones.

Until the cancer eats away their brains, there is nothing I can do.


Friday, December 15, 2006

Hit The Wall.

I've been trying to think of something to type.

Nothing's happening.

The lights are on but nobody is home.

You keep on knocking but you can't come in.

I could post shitty catchphrases all night, but you only come here for the good quality stuff. If I just meandered on, you'd think I was crazy.

I'll take a night off and let all the semi-coherent thoughts I have simmer and bubble. Tomorrow you all might just get a big helping of brain stew. Yum!

Betcha you are looking forward to that, aren't ya?


Thursday, December 14, 2006

I'd Love To Be A Weatherman.

You don't even have to get it right.

Last week we had some pretty huge storms. Wind, rain, huge gusts and lots of damage. Pretty wild.

They've been saying for the last two days that we are going to be hit tonight with a storm bigger and harder than the last one. Be prepared and stay indoors - the radios and all T.V. news programs were saying it. Storm of the year material.


I just got in from shoveling my driveway.

There wasn't snow called for in any forecast that I saw.
The wind? Non-existent.
Good job picking up on that one, Geniuses.

I'd kill for a job where I didn't have to be correct about anything.

Show up, stand in front of a green screen, and just say whatever comes to mind.
People have become so used to inaccurate weather forecasting that they just assume that the guy is going to be somewhat wrong and plan accordingly.

People counting on me to be wrong at my job?

I'd be the star of the show, Baby.


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Fucked Up Fairy Tale.

So tonight before I put The Boy to bed, I'm reading him a story.

Normally we read Disney stuff, or something from Dr. Seuss, but tonight we went with a classic: Rumpelstiltskin.

(The boy is the one that picked it out - I was glad that he wanted to read something that's been around for a while and not some contrived, modern, wish-washy politically correct book that is so boring it's putting me to sleep as well.)

What a fucked up story.

I haven't read this thing since I was a kid; I know the generalities like everyone else - straw into gold, guess the guy's name - pretty standard stuff. But to read this thing again out loud just makes me realize how messed up it is.
  1. The Miller has a beautiful daughter. He loves her so much. What does he do? Gives her to the King. He doesn't sell her - he gives her away. Like a piece of meat. (Or bag of flour. He is a miller after all.) Oh- as an incentive he makes up a lie that she can turn straw into gold. If that was true, do you think he'd be giving her away?
  2. The King takes her, locks her in a room and tells her to make gold out of straw or die. (I bet she's soooo glad her Dad put her in that situation.) In order to escape death, she makes a deal with a mean little troll-man. (Haven't we all made a deal with a mean little troll-man at sometime in our life?) She offers him her first born. She really sucks at negotiating.
  3. When the King finds out she was able to do it, he marries her. (Two traits you want in a wife: Straw into gold and Swallowing.) She accepts. This guy was going to KILL her, and now she's going to marry him? What if he asks her to drink milk and piss a chocolate shake?
  4. The new Queen is already breaking deals. When Rumpelstiltskin comes for the first born, she cries and complains and asks for another chance. He tells her if she can guess his name she can keep her child. Who goes from first born to "guess my name"? I thought the chick was a shitty negotiator, but this guy is retarded.
  5. Proof of retardation: Not only does he give her three days to guess his name, but during those three days he goes around singing his name out loud. Turning straw into gold must be his only talent, because it sure isn't common sense.
  6. In the end, after she guesses his name, he stamps his feet and falls through the floor never to return. Death by tantrum? I appreciate the lesson we are trying to teach the kids here, but couldn't the author have come up with something a little more spectacular?
The whole story basically revolves around imprisonment, extortion, and selling people into slavery. What wholesome reading for my child to learn from. I'm sure I'll find him trying to trade his Little Brother for half of a day-old cheese sandwich. (Did I mention that the book teaches shitty negotiating?)

I'll have to start re-reading some of these old "classics".
Someone has to think of the children.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Friends Car.

I'm in the Sidekick's Ride.

Not right now, but I've been using it lately.

The Sidekick is away in the Frozen North right now, and he's letting me drive his car while he is gone. It's a nice little car, handles well, gets good mileage, and overall it is a very nice ride.

But it's got a funky smell.

I'm not sure if it's something that's gone bad or if it's the cumulative effect of the Burrito & Diet Coke farts that he lets out while he is in there. But something isn't right. (Anyone who's seen his apartment will understand.)

It's not like it's a bad smell. Not rotting corpse in the trunk or anything. (God I hope not.) I don't even notice it after a couple of minutes. It's only when I get in and out of the car. I'm going to get an air freshener and change the smell a little bit. (Lavender, anyone?) He'll love that.

I'm not dissing him. Really I'm not.
I'm grateful that he's letting me use the car.
(He'll never let me use it again after this, but I'm sure he'll forgive me in time.)
I think he'd be more offended if I critiqued the music he has in the car than anything else.

To the Sidekick:
Thanks for letting me drive your ride, brother. It'll be gassed up, clean and sparkly when you come back. If you want that back-home feeling, I'll drop a bomb in there before I pick you up at the airport.


Monday, December 11, 2006

Loud And Clear.

At work we use an intercom/page system.

It's handy to have is such a large area, and it's used for all types of reasons: notification of phone calls, calling for assistance, or looking for someone.

There is one girl who I work with who seems to use the intercom way more than anyone else.

She'll call for the slightest reason. She'll call looking for you if you are 3 feet from her. She'll call for other people, preempting their use of the system. It's like she figures she's the only one who can use the damn thing.

The main problem is that her voice sounds similar to two rabid cats fighting in a tin box. It's not a pleasant sound, it's a screeching caterwaul that wounds the eardrums and pieces to the depths of your soul. The minute I hear the first few syllables come out I want to rupture my eardrums with a pen, just for a moment of sweet silence.

I don't think she knows how all of us hate it when she uses the intercom. I've tried to tell her to tone it down a bit, and not to use it all the fucking time, but I just don't think she understands. I think I'll have to say something really mean just to get her attention, after which she'll call my boss - using the intercom.
(It's a no-win situation.)

I'm hoping that she will eventually learn to ease up; but until then I'll just stick with letting the homeless guys lick her coffee cup. (That will give her laryngitis, right?)

I'm willing to try anything.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Trim The Tree

I must have missed a memo.

Maybe there was an e-mail I missed while looking at porn.

I didn't see anything in the local paper.

There has to be a reason why everyone looks at me strange when I tell them I don't have my Christmas Tree up yet. They look at me like I just stepped out from the Dark Ages, or maybe I'm speaking Martian or some gibberish they don't understand.

So what if my tree isn't up yet?

Why people put so much idealism into a dead tree (or a hunk of plastic resemblimg a dead tree) is beyond me. If you want somewhere to stack the presents - just put them in any free corner that isn't full of rotting flora . (The tree just takes up valuable present space anyway.) Or put it on a table, on the floor, does it really fucking matter?

Yes, the tree is a focal point and provides a nice backdrop for photos, but it's still one of those traditions that just doesn't make sense when celebrating Christmas. (Jesus and lumber didn't get along at the end if I recall correctly.) So why do we honor it so?

I think I'll save myself a lot of grief and just go chop one down and let it rot where it is. It can drop all the dead needles it wants on the Forest floor - it's a much better choice than my living room carpet.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

#@$%* Computer.

I should just Nuke it from orbit.

I got the printer problem solved, and then it seemed like my 'puter hiccuped and said "Fuck It." As punishment, it wouldn't let me connect to the Internet. (It wasn't a cable or box problem, I checked - it seems it was a Windows issue.)

Now seeming as it was letting me connect this morning, and seemed to be working while I was updating the printer drivers, you think that it would work now.

Not so.

Nothing would work - I even went so far as to try System Restore!
No dice.
Eventually I could get it connecting through Safe Mode, but as everyone knows, working in safe mode is like juggling with mittens on.
I'm still not 100% sure what I did to get it working again, although I'm sure that my numerous curse words had to have some effect. I was almost ready to perform CPR if all else failed. (CPR = Computer/Pudding/Revolver. Not a pretty sight.)

But I got it working, and that's what counts.

I can Bank, Play Poker (Yay!) Blog, and Illegally Download music.
I'm (re)connected to the world.

All is Good.


Friday, December 08, 2006

@#$%& Printer.

I just spent fifteen minutes fucking around with my printer.

(And not in a good way, either.)*

I never use the damn thing.
I can't recall the last time I printed anything, but I need some documents for work. So I fire the old beast up, (that's it, pictured on the right) and it proceeds to tell me it's out of Black ink.


I go to get the ink cartridge refilled at one of those discount filler places, and it turns out they weren't able to do it. So I get a generic cartridge at the office supply store. I get home and put it in, and then for some reason the whole thing freezes up. It slows my whole computer down. I un-install and reinstall the printer, and even when I'm doing that it's a bit funky. (Everything else on the computer is okay and running at lightning speed.)

Finally, by the grace of God, I get it installed.

Now it tells me it's out of Color ink.

I just about put it through the wall.

Piece of shit. (I'll deal with it tomorrow.)


*Is there a good way to fuck around with a printer? I don't think so, but I'm sure that somewhere out there there is a guy with a printer fetish. And probably pictures too, if you looked hard enough. Ewwww....

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Before I Had Kids...

  1. Meals at restaurants were a relaxing occasion. Now they are efforts in damage control.
  2. Shopping was simple. Pick stuff up, go to checkout, pay and leave. Now it's a effort not to have have the store pulled into the buggy. Strap them down? Seems reasonable, but then people look at you funny.
  3. Waiting in any line was not an issue. Now it is a challenge of mental endurance and creative distraction.
  4. The "Quick run to the store" was actually quick. Now it's like an expedition into Darkest Africa. See you in six weeks.
  5. Sleep was not a long-forgotten memory. Waking up at noon was not uncommon. Now - I can't recall what real sleep is anymore. Sleeping in means 8am - If I'm lucky.
  6. I had disposable income. Now every time I look at an XBox 360 I see my child's future, hanging on the edge of the toilet. DVD's? No thanks - these diapers I got will have to do instead.
  7. I only had to have the answers to things I cared about. Now I have to have the answer for everything. "I'm not telling you why poo is brown, okay? It just is."
  8. I would Rock & Roll all night and Party every day. Now I find rocks in pockets and party PG-style.
  9. I never knew what other peoples mucus looked or felt like. I can't say that anymore.
  10. I could walk around the house naked all day long. Now I can only do it during naptime.
As you can tell by the above, it's been a trying day.

It's amazing how sometimes going to work can feel like time off.

But the minute I hear "I love you, Daddy." - It's almost worth it all.

I'm out of here - I meed my nap.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006


As I mentioned before, I won a new cell phone at the Staff Party.

(Once again, Yay for me!)

I've switched my service over and it's all good. That seemed to be the easiest part of the job. The biggest pain in the ass is reprogramming all the numbers and shit that I have for everyone.

(Oh I wish that it was like the iPod - just hook it up and sync everything. I'm sure there are phones out there that do this, but this isn't one of them.)

So I'm stuck taking a half an hour re-keying everything in via the phones lovely interface. It's better than the phone I had, but it's still a pain. Then I had to re-grab the ring tones and wallpaper that I liked. (And had on the previous unit.) I think that the extra sales I generated for Telus in downloading that stuff again should entitle me to some kind of rebate.

The cool thing about this phone is my ability to check websites on it. I had wireless web on the other phone, but the graphics sucked. This one actually shows some of the web page, which is neat. Of course watching it download is like watching paint dry. I feel like it has a 14.4 modem in it, and it's running at 50% capacity. Still, it's nice to have. (Gmail from my phone? Bitchin!)

I'm almost done the programming, and I've only had four finger cramps so far.
By the time I'm done, I 'll be too cramped up to flip it open.


And when I said Gmail, I meant it. I wasn't thinking Porn at all, until right now. But that would be kinda Bitchin, right?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Rinse Cycle.

Of all the things I hate doing around the house, Laundry is my most favorite.

(If that doesn't make any sense, read it again - it means I don't mind doing it.)

It's not like it's a challenging, constant task. You throw the stuff in the washer, dump a random amount of some cleansing stuff in, and walk away. Later on, when you finally remember that it's there, you throw it in the dryer for an even longer period of time.

(Don't look at me like that. I sort it out first. I'm not a complete idiot. Whites/reds, yellows/blues, right?)

The worst part of laundry is putting it all away. I never realize how many clothes I or the Kids have until you are folding and putting it back. I always end up with a few stray socks and such, but those are just the spoils of war. (I've heard about "washer's wages"- money found while doing laundry - but I think it's a myth put out there to catch my interest.)

Oh - I gotta go - I think it's time for the fabric softener.

Gotta have it, 'cause static build up from my short and curlys is not my idea of a good time.


Monday, December 04, 2006


Let me get this straight - I'm not a hippy.

But I know someone who is even less of a non-recycler than I am.

This guy throws out pop cans.

(He also drinks more pop than most third world countries., just so you understand the scale that I'm talking about.)

I think with the pop/water this guy drinks in a month, he could by a new DVD every time he turned in his empties. (I have to say DVD, it's the only currency he understands.)

Why not just take them in? How hard is that? It can't be too tough, you see lazy homeless people picking them up all the time. I think he's got more energy than a homeless guy.

Sure isn't that social conscience wearing him down.


Sunday, December 03, 2006


I'm about to go to our Annual Staff Christmas Party.

It's either going to be very good or very bad.

I'm posting early, because with any luck I won't be in typing condition later on.

I love the social aspect of the Christmas Party. In fact it's one of the few things I like about Christmas. The camaraderie, the music, the dancing, all the things I like about the bar, but none of the assholes associated with that place. The fact that we usually get some sweet prizes helps to some degree as well.

The fact that there is Karaoke means I'll get to bust out my wicked rap skillz. (Dope-a-lope. Fo' Sho.)

Wish me luck though, I have to work early the next day.

Maybe I just won't go to sleep.....


Saturday, December 02, 2006


As I go to and from work, I'm amazed at the different levels of decoration that people go to in preparation for Christmas.

Forget the fact that there is a guy on my street who has had his lights up and on since November 16th - That fucker is in a whole other world. For arguments sake we'll exclude the crazies.

As for everyone else? Here's what I see:
  1. No Decorations - This is where my house is right now. I'm just putting it off until I find the time. I think most are like me, where they are just waiting for the right day to do it. Some don't decorate at all, and that's just fine too. What's the point of putting all the shit up, just to take it down again?
  2. Basic Lights - Three strings, tops. You know they don't really have their heart in it, they just do it because by the 24th it looks strange if you are the only one without something up.
  3. Creative - Some of these people might have even thrown some lights in an outside tree, or maybe had those fake lighted reindeer going on. (I would forgive any fake reindeer in erotic positions.)
  4. Enthusiastic - Window decorations start to appear. Fake snow, stickys, pictures of elves frolicking with Santa. The crazier ones go up right in the front window. These are the people who make their own wreaths and hang them until January 17th.
  5. Psycho - Lighted Blow Up shit abounds. More lights than any three houses on the street. As I walk by I can hear the hydro meter ticking round and round. Think Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation. (The November man? He's like this.)
It'll only get worse as we get closer to the Big Day.
I swear the first place to play Christmas Carols gets egged on a nightly basis. (I have access to eggs, I can make this happen.)

With my luck I'll fall of the roof putting the lights up.

Oh, the Joy of the season.



Friday, December 01, 2006


I just had the best haircut ever.

Not in terms of excitement or anything, but it was done right, the way I liked it, correct length, proper styling, attention to detail around the ears and neckline - an all around perfect haircut.

The only thing bothering me is that the guy who cut my hair was so obviously gay that I'm wondering if he was trying to turn me with his attention to detail. Was he taking his time out of personal pride in a job well done, or was he just viewing me as a luscious piece of man-meat?

I could understand it either way.

I still tipped him, 'cause that's how I roll.
I just didn't make eye contact when I did it.