I'm not feeling well.
My nose itches, my heads stuffy, my throat is sore and I'm starting to hallucinate from the NyQuil.
As I was blowing my nose with a Kleenex (with lotion) I had an epiphany, a vision, a sure fire commercial hit.
Tissues made specifically for Masturbation.
They would have to be a little thicker than normal tissues (what with the projected volume they would have to clean up) and the absorbency should be increased if at all possible. You could have them with Lotion, Regular, or Anti-Viral in case you tug one off while out in the bushes or if you think there is a chance that you've given yourself V.D.
The box wouldn't be all flowers and puppies either. It would either be made to resemble stainless steel or have actual pornographic scenes on the box. It would be weighted so you could remove a tissue with one hand and not have the box tag along for the ride. Heck, forget the box, I bet these things would sell wonderfully in a pocket pack - (You know, like the tissues your Mom keeps in her purse?)
I even had a name in mind: Cumchuckers.
These things would sell themselves with the right marketing. Put samples in with skanky porno mags or a free box to every guy under eighteen who buys a computer with an Internet connection. (You have to put the product in the hands of the people who are likely to use it most.)
As soon as the NyQuil wears off I just might apply for a patent.