Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Air & Water.

Some days I really like rain.

I'll admit, it sounds crazy, but there is something to be said for being outside and having the rain falling all around you.
You are enclosed, enveloped, anonymous.
It's very cleansing and soothing.
The world smells fresh and clean after, and everything seems new.

The wind can also have a calming effect.
The slight breeze may cool you off, and carry the scent of spring to tease and tantalize you.
It rustles the leaves on the trees, creating a dance and music unlike any other.

However, stick them together into the nightmare that is raging outside my window right now, and all I can say is:
Fuck You Mother Nature.
Are you trying to fucking kill me?
Kiss my ass.


Monday, January 30, 2006

Bad Night.

Some nights you can put up with the shit and it doesn't bother you.

Other nights it just about drives you fuckin'-crazy.


Saturday, January 28, 2006

Addiction & Subtraction.

I've talked about weakness and I've spoken about Kryptonite, but we've never discussed addiction before.
Everyone is addicted to something, even if they don't want to admit it. Some are addicted to smoking, others can't stop watching "American Idol", and then there's me: He of Many Addictions.
Some of my favorites:
  • Coffee: No shit, eh? Anyone who has met me wonders if the cup is surgically attached to my hand. I only drink about 4-5 cups a day, but that's healthy, right? I heard somewhere that caffeine is good for you. I don't know where, I can't recall it, but I know I did, it wasn't just a wonderful fantasy.
  • My own sense of humor: I know I'm funny. The shit I say cracks me up. I know not everyone may agree with this, but it's just that they haven't reached my level of addiction. Yet. Soon people will roll in the aisles at my slightest word.
  • E-mail: It's not that I write a lot of e-mail; it's that I check it about forty fucking times when I'm on line. Doesn't matter that MSN notifies me about Hotmail, or that Outlook and Gmail all have notifiers sitting in my System Tray, I still check it, just in case someone has missed sending me a piece of spam.
  • Blogging: Damn you Bish, for opening my eyes up to this. I make it a point to blog everyday. My day is not complete unless I can sign in and spew my thoughts into the ether. Who would have known that I'd be compelled to type whatever random shit pops into my head........ Well, anyone who didn't actually know me might be surprised.
  • Gum: Yes, I'm a chewer, have been ever since I started smoking. It just intensified after I quit. And since I'm in the public sector, I'm very aware of the fact that skanky breath = not cool. With the amount of coffee I ingest, it's a practical addiction as well. Plus it pays to have minty fresh breath if you are gonna be locking lips with the ladies.
  • Animated T.V. : I'm not talking about that weird stuff from Japan, although there is some that is cool. I'm referring to shows like Family Guy, Futurama, and Ren & Stimpy. ( Yeah, I said Ren & Stimpy, wanna make something of it?) Any animated thing that somewhat reference or parodies pop culture? Give me a chair and a coffee, that's where I'll be.

So what are some of your addictions? Do you love to do laundry? What about sports? Who can't stop touching themselves?

Come on, tell me all your secrets.


Friday, January 27, 2006

There's Something On The Lens.

It seems like every time you turn around, there is another sex video released by, or featuring, celebrities.

I guess with the success (funny, I know..) that Paris & Pamela had after their tapes were released, it almost seems like a lucrative career path.

I'm not sure how often the average Jane & Joe Six-Pack film themselves at their most intimate, but judging by the spam that shows up in my Hotmail in-box at times, there must be cameras rolling all across this great country of ours.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but you know what? If I was ever to partake in such an endeavor, I know one thing for sure:

I would know where that tape was at all times.

You know how they show the President or some secret service agent with that briefcase chained to one arm? That would be me. Except it's not the codes to Nuclear Destruction I'd be holding, but actual footage of The World's Whitest Ass ™. Not a pleasant sight. And due to it's either awe-inspiring or vomit-inducing tendencies, it's status and location must be closely guarded.

Which is one of the reasons I'm slightly shocked when one of these scandals breaks. You may lose your tape for a couple of minutes, but how does it end up on Extra by the end of the day? Don't they have to have your permission for that?
And I'd never accidentally turn it into Blockbuster. For one, I would never be that careless to leave my homemade erotic tape beside my copy of Madagascar, and secondly, I'm horrible at returning movies, so it's doubtful that Blockbuster would be getting any movies back, forget about any of mine.


Thursday, January 26, 2006

News Worthy.

Doesn't anyone read the real news anymore?

I find it astonishing to see how many people pick up the latest rag tabloid to get their news.
Why bother to find out what's happening in East Timor, Iraq, or North Korea when you could find out if Jen is fucking Vince? Who cares how the Patriot Act is taking away personal freedoms and liberties when you can get the latest on Brad and Angelina's love child?

Tonight at work I heard two people talking about who they thought was the better person in Brittany Spear's marriage. Oh, forget international or even local events, lets concentrate on skanky, trashy celebrities, and their domestic problems. Who fucking cares?

I think if more people paid attention to real life events instead of whose couch Tom Cruise is jumping on, then you would see a lot more get done in the world.

I know that most of that obsession derives from wanting to make some of our so-called betters more human, and to show that they do have faults, but I believe that if the energy used up by people to gather and publish this "news" was directed in a more positive manner, then some major world changes could happen.

What changes? I don't know - I'm too busy watching Entertainment Tonight.


Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Cranky Pants.

Ever have a day were just about everything really pisses you off?

I've been grumpy and bitchy all day, and I really don't know why.
I'm not usually short tempered, but just going into town today and having to interact with other people just drove me nuts.
I can't even say that there was anything specific that was done, I've just had a shitty day.

I guess you have to just chalk it up to the seasons, the weather, the changing of the tides and maybe a slight touch of male PMS. (Is there such a thing? If there isn't, I call dibs.)
Hard to find a solution for that one.

Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I need a nap.
Maybe I need a beer.
I'd check my horoscope for tomorrow, but it probably says "Rinse and Repeat."

We'll see.


Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Welcoming Our New Overlords.

Like everyone else I know, I feel I should throw my two cents in on the outcome of the election.

Unlike most people I know, I'm somewhat happy that the Conservatives won.

Before you label me as a far right religious extremist, hear me out.

I like the fact that there was a change in government. You have to admit that the system, under the Liberal party, had pretty much run it's course. There was too much scandal, too much bullshit, and just too much past history for Canadians to have any effective output from their leaders in Ottawa.

There needed to be a change.

Now the fact that the Conservatives were voted in as a minority government is exactly what is needed. They will have enough power to trim the fat and work towards a more streamlined government, but without a majority, there is no way they are going to be able to implement some of the more extreme views they might have.
The worst argument I heard against a minority Conservative government was "Better the Devil you know..." Bullshit. The Canadian public, thanks to the past indiscretions of the Liberals, are more aware that government can go wrong, and I believe that we will be more perceptive and maybe more demanding of our government in the future.

A worse scenario would have been the overwhelming majority some expected. With no opposition to keep them in check, they would have ran the country as they see fit, like the Liberals were able to do previous to 2004.

Canadians proved to the politicians that if they don't like the job you are doing, we will vote you out. That is the lesson that should be learned from this election.
I hope it is one that the new Government takes to heart.

Otherwise we'll kick them to the curb, too.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Distraction v2.0

Why 2.0?

Because I started to type and lost my train of thought, and when I turned around, one of the other blogs I read went and stole my title. (Great minds must think alike.)

I do find that I have a tendency to be distracted. It's not at ADD levels, but sometimes when something catches my attention I somehow lose my focus, and depending on the severity of the distraction, it could be a bit before I get back on track.

It's not like I'm a danger to myself or others, at least not yet, and as long as there are no shiny items dangling from the rear-view mirror in the car, I should be O.K.


Sunday, January 22, 2006

Intelligent Conversation.

I think that one of the things I enjoy most in life is conversation.

I'm a talker. Always have been. I'm at my best when involved in a debate or discussion. I think that one of my best traits is my ability to (mostly) articulate what I'm thinking at any given moment.

In any conversation there is some level of give and take. Intelligent conversation is the equal exchange of ideas and insights communicated through speech. One can share experiences or thoughts, and absorb the information presented to them by their counterpart.

It drives me crazy when people can't express themselves with any degree of coherency, or they are unable to have an opinion, much less state that opinion, on anything. Inversely, there is nothing more exciting or intoxicating than meaningful, intelligent conversation.

I'm not saying that each discussion involves solving the world's problems, but there has to be something more than just talking about the weather.

A good conversation is like a good meal. They both have substance, but one nourishes your body, and the other nourishes your mind.


No Rest For The Wicked.

Can't Sleep.

I feel tired, but I just can't seem to drift off.
I know some of the recommended techniques, but most of them just don't seem to work.
(I'm not drinking warm milk, that's disgusting.)
I've contemplated cooking and eating an entire turkey, just to get the tryptophan hit.

Reading doesnt really work for me, as I get into the material and stay up all night.
Late night TV? Forget about it.
Tried to get comfortable, but I'm either too hot or too cold.
Can you sing a lullaby to yourself? Would that even work?

I think I'll put the headphones on and listen to whatever, maybe that will help.


Friday, January 20, 2006

Word Verification.

As I've stated previously, I like comments.

I setup Blogger's Word Verification because I was getting a lot of spam in my comments. Once I enabled that, my problem ended.

Sort of.

I think the Word Verification system is hitting on me.

Really, some of the words it wants me to type make me feel dirty inside. (I'm dirty enough on my own, thanks.)
  • tklbzfan - Tickle Balls Fan? That's just wrong.
  • icfrby - I See Furby? C'mon, I know I'm a little scruffy sometimes, but that's just mean.
  • ndeuxi - It sounds French. I'm not sure. Could be sexual.
  • jireth - I think I'm being lipped off in Latin. Or Hebrew. Whatever, it sounds like it envoles teeth.
  • ynhhzbk - Young Honey's Hose Back? What the Hell? I'm not sure what that means... Wait....No, I don't know what that means.

See what I'm talking about? Is it just me? Is there some sign I'm missing?

It's either the beginning of a worldwide conspiracy, or the start of My Nervous Breakdown.

No matter what, It's all good.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Literature For Dummies.

Someone asked me a couple of days ago what my favorite book was.

You know, that's a really hard question. I had to think about it for a while, and I did say that I do like a lot of books, and I quoted some of the stuff that came to mind. ( King, Tolkien, Grisham even..)

But it got me thinking. I find reading to be a completely different animal than other activities. Take listening to music. If I'm in a bad mood, listening to certain music will alter that mood, either up or down , depending if I'm listening to the Foo Fighters (up) or The Tragically Hip (suicidal).

But books? If I'm in the right frame of mind I can tackle just about any genre.
If I just feel like relaxing with an old friend, I'll slip into the sci-fi /fantasy stuff. It's what I started reading when I was younger, and it's what I'm most comfortable with now. Other days, when I'm feeling inquisitive, I like to read books full of trivial information, ( I'll admit, I have a lot of The Bathroom Readers.) which are full of pop culture stories and semi-useless facts.
I also enjoy horror and suspense, and like I said, I have lots of books from each genre.

I've even expanded into graphic novels. You know, comics. Since the Twin owns a Comic Book Store, it's only right that I get a different graphic novel from him every Christmas. He never disappoints, and I find some of the stories that are there rival some of the full length novels I've read. ( That may be sacrilege to some, but believe me, there's some really good shit out there.)

I'm always interested in trying new authors, and I'll try anything once. The Sidekick occasionally has a good suggestion, and I have heard from others about what they like to read, but I would love to hear from anyone out there what their favorite read is.

So let it all hang out, and tell me what you think I should read.
And don't say the Kama Sutra: I gots that shit memorized.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Personal Space.

You know what annoys me?

Most of you do, as I tend to bitch about it all here, but I really dislike it when someone invades my personal space.

I'm sitting on the love-seat in the coffee room today, (Yes, the love-seat, although I don't know if it's been used for lovin' or not.) and I'm just relaxing, listening to music and bullshitting with one of the guys who was sitting on the couch.

One of the older ladies who I work with comes into the lunch room to have her coffee break and joins in on the conversation we are having. Now that's all fine and dandy, but then she goes and squeezes in beside me on the love-seat, almost sitting on my mp3 player, and crushing my leg.

Now I'm not a small guy, and I do take up some space on a two person love-seat. So why in God's name would you just sit down, without permission, and encroach on my personal area like that? I did comment on it, and she did move, but why wouldn't you just automatically respect another person's space?

That type of callous disregard for others tends to get me riled. Trust me, if I want someone to invade my space, it's a little more obvious. (wink wink, nudge nudge.) And there's no way I was putting out that kind of vibe to this woman.

Does it make you mad when someone gets inside your space like that? I'm not talking about angry in-your-face type shit, I mean just regular people. Close-talkers, grabbers, the people who don't seem to know any better; how do you deal with them?

I need some suggestions, otherwise I might snap next time.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

You Get More With Honey...

Sometimes dealing with others requires a touch of class.

Now, I know I'm not the one you normally think of when we talk about acting politely and cordially, but I do know how the game works. I think the world would be a much nicer place if everyone just knew how to act when dealing with another person.

Example #1: I was having a problem topping up my cellphone, ( I have a pay and talk, because unlike my computer, I'm not on my cell all the time,) and due to these problems, my minutes had expired. Now when I did get it topped up, all my minutes were gone, and I was back at the highest per minute plan. Was I pissed? You bet. But when I called Telus, I calmly explained to the lady on the line what my problem was, and I even hinted that my difficulties might have been my fault, and could she please do anything to sort out the situation. Bang! She fixed my rate plan, added back any minutes I lost, and reset my top up to allow easier renewals next time. I made sure to get her name and to thank her, and I just e-mailed Telus to let them know how impressed I was.

Example #2: Some person who I've never seen before comes up to me as I'm speaking to another customer and asks me if we have any boxes in the back. They don't say excuse me, they don't ask politely, and they give me the Look of Death when I ask the other customer to excuse me for a moment. I look at them, they look at me, and I politely inform them that we have no extra boxes to give away. I don't even go look. I come up with a fabrication about how they've been picked up already. But the point is that if you don't treat others with respect and at least some small amount of civility, then you can just go fuck yourself. Nobody's gonna do shit for you.

At work I always try to be polite with everyone I work with. I usually ask instead of tell and I try to help out and be part of the team. People work better for you when they like to work with you. If you're a dick , why would they go the extra mile for you?

And I'm all about the extra mile.


Monday, January 16, 2006


A long time ago, I jotted down some things about myself in regards to my nerdiness.

It was pretty tame stuff, and I ended up about average on the Nerd Scale.

But I left something out of my list; a dark shame that I've kept hidden for so long, that most of the people who may have known are dead now. (Or moved out of town.)

I was a Trekker.

Notice I use the term "Trekker" and not the derogatory "Trekkie". That in itself is sad. I was a big fan of the 24th century, with it's holodecks, blind black guys and empathic chicks who could read the first mate's dirty little mind.

Yes, I was a Next-Generation Trekker.

Oh, sure, I respected the Original Series, but for me the adventures of the Enterprise-D far surpassed any green chicks Kirk could bang. Picard had the smarts, Riker had the balls, and the Chicks all had great cans wrapped in supple polyester unitards.
I had the books, the technical manuals, and even wore the costume on Halloween. (And yet during this time I still got laid. Funny, really.)

Luckily this only lasted for a short period of time, and I denied all knowledge of it's existence.
The denial was so complete that I even laughed at the Sidekick for his fan-boyish devotion to Star Wars, universally known to be far superior to Star Trek. ( Although you never heard Spock go "Yippee!")

Why did my adoration for the Series wane? I think I just got tired of it. It's hard to like something that gets progressively shittier as time goes on. They kept doing the same old crap, and then they came out with Deep Space Nine, which I hated, and that just did it for me. I didn't have a problem with some of the shenanigans that happened on the show, but when you base a spin-off on the mean guy from Spenser: For Hire, and he likes to talk out his problems, well you just lost me.

I can't even watch the show anymore. If I see it on the guide, I skip past as fast as possible. It almost pains me to think how I used to set aside hours of my life to watch that show.

Now that I have confessed to you all, I feel a bit cleaner, more relaxed, and I won't feel that pang of doubt next time I call some loser a geek. My secret's out there, and I feel better for it.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Shit Or Get Off.

I have no patience for people who cannot make decisions.

I can understand slight hesitations, pondering and the weighing of options, but people who cannot boil shit down to yes / no, or stay / go, just really frustrate me.
Sure, sometimes deciding what options you have takes time, but once you know what you have, make a fucking choice and deal with it.
Some people make shopping and deciding what to have for dinner out to be major fucking life choices.
Deciding to buy a house in a strange town? Take some time to analyse facts. Having trouble figuring out if you'll have a omelet or cereal? Just choose, dammit!

I can make it simple for them.

Either you decide right now or I stab you in the eye with a dull pencil.
That's added incentive to sweeten the deal.


Saturday, January 14, 2006

Crime For Dummies.

Big topic at work today.

The liquor store across the parking lot from where I work was robbed last night.

It seems two gentlemen thought it would be great fun to go into said liquor store and hold up the joint, armed with a baseball bat. The two ladies working at the time complied with their wishes and the thieves departed in a white Bronco. ( Kinda like OJ?) For some reason, a customer decided to follow the criminals, but gave up after their vehicle was shot at.

The criminal masterminds then ditched the vehicle, (which did not have it's real plates on it, the plates belonged to a Ford Tempo,) and escaped on foot. The RCMP then brought out the dogs and from the vehicle , tracked one of the suspects to his own trailer. When he was questioned, he gave up the name of his accomplice, and both men were arrested.

Why do I mention this?
Because these guys were stupid with a capital S.
Why do I say that?
  • Because the store they robbed was less than five miles from where they both live.
  • When they ditched the Bronco, they ran right to their own house. Not far from where they left the "getaway car"
  • The plates on the Bronco? - the Ford Tempo was registered to the trailer the suspect was found in.
  • One guy had been out of jail for less than a week.

Now I'm not advocating criminal acts; but c'mon, watch some Law & Order or even NYPD Blue - half of the stupid stuff they did is the shit people get caught for on TV. If you didn't know that dogs can track your scent, you're a retard. Using your own plates to disguise your escape vehicle? Way to go McGyuver.

Thank God nobody was hurt, 'cause idiots like these are the type that do hurt people when committing these types of crimes.

The fact that one guy re-offends right out of jail? I'll put that in the "Blog later file."

Friday, January 13, 2006

Moment Of Panic.

So I get home from work today, nobody's home, the wife is out with the in-laws and has the boys with her, and I'm just expecting some "me" time, and a chance to veg.

I step farther into the house and I smell burnt plastic. A strong smell of burnt plastic.

Small sliver of fear sets in, as I run around the house checking all the heaters, thinking The Boy has left a toy near one, or some such thing.
No dice.

Run into the bedroom, suspecting the wife has left her curling iron or another strange female hair device on, expecting to see flames or whatever.

Check the laundry room, the garage, the living room, and the kitchen.

Then I notice that my computer monitor is blank.
That's weird, as the wife never turns off the computer, and I'm one of those people who tend to leave it on, as I hop on and off the internet all night.

My computer's shut down. And the burning smell is coming from inside.
At approximately this moment, and for a period of 2.268 seconds, my heart stops beating.

After I choke the fear down,(and visions of burning dollar bills stop swimming through my brain), I pull the tower case off and discover that my CPU fan has pretty much melted on top of the heatsink. Thus the computer overheats and shuts down.

Not a huge deal, I can fix this type of problem, just have to get a new fan, install, run the machine and see if anything is broken. (anything else, I mean.) It took me about an hour, including driving downtown to get the parts, so it wasn't too bad.

But for that one small piece of time, I was about to lose it.

As you can tell, I blog almost everyday. It helps me to relax, and it allows me to organize my thoughts. I also do all my banking online, and I check my email so much you'd think I had ADD.
The thought of going without this vital tool for my everyday life was not comforting.

Now analysing my panic over a bunch of plastic and wires?

Baby, that's a whole other blog.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Different people handle stress in different ways.

It's amazing to see how stress, or varying levels of stress, affect others.

I've worked with people in the past who were at complete opposites on the stress spectrum.
There was a girl who would get so worked up over the littlest things. If someone pissed her off or freaked her out at seven in the morning, it would cause her to lose her focus for the rest of the day. You'd talk to her at four in the afternoon, and she'd still be going on about that person from seven o'clock.
Then there was the other guy, who nothing seemed to bother. It's not that he was a calm individual who could handle himself under pressure; it was the fact that he didn't really care one way or the other how things turned out.

I work with people who are mainly in the middle of the road for dealing with stress, although there are one or two guys who get rattled pretty easily when things don't go as planned.
I think I deal with stress fairly well. My years at the Arches helped prepare me for that. I tend to get mad when it starts to get stressful, as if somehow my anger can make everything OK. Maybe not the best way but it works for me. (Let me state now that it's a quiet anger, not a throwing chairs or smacking bitches around anger.) Although because of my formative years at he Arches, it does take a lot more for me to feel stressed than it does others.

However, stress at work is nothing compared to stress at home. When you have a stressful day at work, you punch out, say "Fuck it", go home and relax; either by drinking or cleaning or jerking off, who cares, at least the stress is gone. But what do you do when there is stress at home? Go to work? If your workplace frowns on drinking or jerking off, you might have to find other outlets. You'll just have to deal with it as best you can.

I'd go on about my level of stress right now, but let me tell you, anyone who has a two week old who cries a lot can tell you, it's extremely high, and there's fuck all you can do about it. I looked at the wife and asked her for a little bit of "stress release" and you know what? The look she gave me just added to the already toxic levels around the homestead.

I think I'll take up drinking for now.

Although with the amount of trouble I get into when I drink, at the end of the day, somebody's gonna be stressed.

But I'll be too drunk to care.


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Other People's Kids.

I don't have a lot of faith in the future, and I'll tell you why.

Today was play-gym day. Although the weather was OK, it's just a bit cold to be playing outside, so we went to the community centre, where they have a drop-in play-gym for kids. There are toys and space to run around, and most importantly, social interaction with children in his own age group.

But some of these kids!

Oh my God.

You'd think that most parents, in a setting such as this, would be more aware of how their children present themselves and how they interact with other children. We try to teach sharing and polite conduct, but also to stand up for yourself and be able to act in a respectable manner. I think there might have been one or two other parents who thought as we do, but the other ones seem to treat it as a dumping ground for their kids, turning it into a almost surreal, Lord of the Flies - type experience. I kid you not, I think one of them growled at me.

And I know kids get dirty, but really, how messy can your kid get by 10:30 in the morning? What did you do, let them roll to the door from your car? I can tell you ate at McDonald's before you came here, your child has half a hash brown still attached to his forehead. And I must say that's the cutest mask they have on. No mask? Oh, that's just the snot running from their nose.
Thank the Lord the boys have their shots up to date, especially that shot that protects them from, oh I don't know, a possible outbreak of White Trash?

The thing that gets me is that the parents of these stinky smelly bastards and bitches seem to be some of the most stuck up people in the world. Listen Lady, I'm not hitting on you, I've seen what your loins can produce, and I'm not tempted. The only reason I'm talking to you is because I think your kid just shived the person in charge of the trampoline.

But tolerance is important to teach your child, so we just made the best of it, and told The Boy how good he was in comparison to the savage, feral-like children that were there. He does enjoy the exercise and interaction, probably even more so because he doesn't notice that shit right now. He doesn't care that the kid across from him smells like old socks and mouthwash, he's just happy there is some one on the other side of the see-saw.

And teaching him not to care about that is probably one of the best things ever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tongue Tied.

I've been looking at this screen for about five minutes now.

Usually there are so many thoughts pouring out of my head, that I have no trouble with having something to say.

But not tonight.

It's like insomnia, but for speech.
I really want to say something, but just can't. Thus I spend some time looking at the screen and then starting to type and just scrapping it. Go away from it, but I always come back.

I let you know when I've got something to say.


Betting On The Wrong Horse.

Have you ever wondered if you are in the wrong religion?

Most devout people believe that their chosen faith is the right one. The Catholics feel that they got it all over the Jews, and both of them tend to laugh at the Muslims. There are actually people in each faith that feel so strongly in their convictions that they are willing to die to further the proliferation of their beliefs, or do anything within their power to convert others to their chosen ideology.

But what if the general population is completely off track?

What if there is some out of the way religion that actually has it right?

It can't be the Mormons or Jehovah's, they'd get too much self righteous satisfaction if it was them.
Atheists aren't right either, 'cause that's like saying you won the lottery because you refuse to buy a ticket.
The Amish? Good Lord I hope not.

But how do you know that your beliefs, no matter what they are, are the correct ones? It would totally suck to stand before God and have him say " When did I tell you to sacrifice a chicken? No, No, You've got it all wrong." And then He gives you the boot. (Providing He's a He; lets hope he is, otherwise I know I'm in big trouble.)

It would be a total shame for every major religion to turn out to be full of shit.

Probably turn out to be 5 people in Norway who got it right, and have all the room in heaven, just because you decided that Jesus was crackers and grape juice.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Fuck The Vote.

Talking politics with unnamed peoples today and the comment was made in regards to the upcoming Federal election:

What's the point of voting when all you are doing is voting out
one shitty
party for another?
In a way, I have to agree.
See, I really dislike the Canadian Electoral System, and for a couple of reasons:
  • I don't like that I have to vote for a certain federal party at the local level to have an effect on the national outcome. I really hate our local MLA, I think they're a schmuck, but I do like the party they belong to. I think that one of the opposing candidates could do a better job representing our region, but on a national level, I don't like their party. It just frustrates me.
  • I hate the fact that the leader of our country, the "face of Canada" is not one chosen by the Canadian people. They are chosen by their party, and you know that the type of backdoor deals and bullshit promises most of them had to do to get there are just going to weigh them down once they are in office.
  • The balance of power that sits back east and within Quebec. I understand it's population based, but when you consider that the main political party in Quebec wants to leave the country, I think that someway, somehow they should not have that type of power.

Now I'm not saying I have any answers for any of these problems, just that I don't like them. ( I know I'm going to hear from the Home Office about the balance of power.) But the thing is, I'm one of those people who feels that you have NO right to bitch about what happens in this country unless you get off your ass and vote.

I think to get into any political argument you should have proof that you voted in the last election, otherwise you should be told to shut the fuck up.

It's not hard to vote, and even if, like me, you hate the people who are doing the job, they are the only choice we have right now.

Until the Revolution comes.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Just Call Me....

Mr Smith.

Just watched the movie.
I know I'm gonna get it from my friends who read this, but I really liked this movie.
The pacing was great, the little comedic bits were funny, and those two do have a lot of chemistry.

And Angelina?

I'd hit that so fast and so often, it would be like my regular sex life, except with some sort of satisfaction attached. (Mine, not hers.)


Thursday, January 05, 2006

Plan B.

A while ago, I made a pronouncement about my favorite female body part, The Breasts.

While my opinion has not changed, as we move into the winter months the visual aspects of the breasts are bundled away, tucked under sweaters and scarves.

This brings us to Plan B : The Butt.

Call it what you want. Ass, keister, fanny, turd-cutter, gluteus maximus, buttocks, derriere, posterior, whatever. It's a gorgeous piece of work in it's own right, but when teamed up with the correct articles of clothing, it approaches staggering heights of beauty.

Many men are of two minds when it comes to this particular area, and the main difference in the arguments is size. There are those who believe that bigger is better, and those who prefer a neat and tidy package. I'll admit it, I'm in the latter group. Just as it is for men, so is it for women, size does matter.

You can't tell me how great an ass looks when it's spread all over a chair like cream cheese on a bagel, and how can you have any appreciation for something when you are so worried about a seam splitting or button popping, possibly causing grave injury? And don't get me going on thongs; they are a two-edged sword my friends, they have the ability to do the greatest good, but in the wrong hands, serious visual damage can occur if exposed to a thong stretched beyond it's intended weight limit.

Some people prefer different shapes, such as apples, pears or peaches. ( You never hear anyone say how hot some chicks square ass is.) I'm not so much about the shape as about the definition. Symmetry is also a wonderful thing, as a woman with one ass cheek larger than the other is a bit distracting.

As with most visual treats on a woman, Summertime is the optimum viewing season. But winter does have it's benefits, if you know where to look. Thin, tight ski pants are always good, and when they stay inside, those comfy lounge pants have finally paid off, revealing much more than in past years. Jeans are worn year round, and winter seems to have no ill effects on denim's wonderful abilities.

No matter what the time of year, there are always a few simple rules to follow.
  • Take your left hand. Open it wide, palm facing down. Curl your ring, middle and index fingers into your palm, leaving your pinkie and thumb extended as far apart as is comfortable. Do the same with your right hand. - Now touch the tips of your thumbs together. The space between your pinkies is your maximum area of containment. Try to keep all asses within this range, as a guideline.
  • Unless requested, don't go smacking that ass. This is the one great area in which porn has lied to us. You are always welcome to give it a shot, but beware there are negative repercussions.
  • Never use the ass as a table or tray. It's not there to hold your beer while you are going to town, although it is a great idea.
  • When checking out an ass, try and be discreet. If caught, say you like the fit of her jeans and were looking for the label. Say this even if she's in a bikini.

That should get you started, or a least help you refine any areas that may need improvement.

The great thing about the ass is that although it deals very well with merchandising, unlike the breasts it cannot be easily disguised. A good bra will make mountains out of molehills. There's nothing a pair of jeans can do for an over-sized backend. Therefore when you see a fantasic ass on a lady, chances are it looks just as good out of the jeans. And that's the ultimate goal, isn't it?

I did not mean to ramble on so, but when you get me talking about certain areas I just can't contain my opinions.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

It Burns.....

You know, one thing I've noticed recently is that my fuse is getting awfully short.
( That's not a shrinkage joke, either.)
I've found that lots of things in life that I used to just let slide, now really, really, piss me off.
You've read some of them in this blog.
( I hope you have, if your not a long time reader, that'll really make me mad.)

See? That's the shit I'm talking about.

Five years ago, little meaningless shit didn't upset me. It was "water off a duck's back" as they say. Of course, five years ago I was getting laid a lot more than I am now. ( Do you think there's a connection, Doc?... Do ya?) But sex notwithstanding, I was a lot more easygoing then. Nowadays just the sight of stupidity or ignorance sets me off.

Is it because I'm getting older?

I'm not angry all the time, I just find that sometimes it's the smallest thing that just frustrates me and sets me off. I'd give examples, but I don't have that kind of time.
Just picture " Complete contentment" and one second later, " Raging Psycho" or something to that extent.

Maybe I should drink more.

Maybe I should smoke "The Herb".

Maybe I'll just chill.

Fuck that, bring on the rage.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Five Lyrics

1. I said hookers
And whores
And a teenage slut
On the bathroom floor
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love
Oh yeah

2.Altered expectations
Long anticipation
Everything is changing
I'm the same and aging

3.All dressed up
No place to go
Hey monkey, when you gonna show your face…around me
I know all the wrongs and rights
And I just want a little light to fall…on me

4. To much walkin', shoes worn thin
Too much trippin' and my soul's worn thin
Time to catch a ride
It leaves today, her name is what it means
To much walkin', shoe's worn thin

5. Now that I've found my reward
Throw it away long before
I'd share a piece of mine with you.

Sunday, January 01, 2006


Resolutions are a crock of shit.

What difference does one day make? Why January 1st? Maybe we should have a resolution day, maybe closer to the summer. That way if your gonna resolve to lose weight or some such shit, then there's no time to dwaddle. You gots to take care of your shit ASAP.

The problem with January is that if your resolution involves the summer in any way, as most do, you have five or six months to procrastinate about the whole thing. And you know you are going to put it off. Hell most people have big resolutions, like losing weight or quitting smoking. That's shit you've been putting off for years, what's another two or three months?

Try and keep the resolutions reasonable, achievable, and realistic. Don't have a resolution to bang more supermodels; it ain't gonna happen. Keep it simple, like using the spellchecker when you blog, (HINT) or maybe cutting back on the five cups of coffee in the morning. ( I'm shooting for four!) I'd love to make it a goal to get a hummer everyday, but with just the wife, it's not happening. I'll have to enlist outside help. (Planning your strategy is very important.)

But back to my original point. Making a resolution in front of the whole world is just stupid. Especially at New Years. Nobody keeps their New Years resolutions, it's just a facade to make people believe that we care enough about the world to at least try and do something. If you make a decision to change something in your life, but you've had the idea in June, do you wait till New Years to do it? Hell no.

And it's always resolutions for the better. No one ever says, "I'm going to kick more puppies.", or " I think I'll poison the neighbor's water supply." You can bet some of the wackjobs in the middle east are resolving to make more suicide bombs, but you don't ever hear about it.

So if you make some resolutions or you don't, it really doesn't matter. You can tell me if you want, but I don't expect you to keep 'em.

I'll just be over here drinking my sixth coffee, relaxing after that wonderful blowjob.