Thursday, January 31, 2008


I was going to post tonight.

Unfortunately, something got in the way, and I have no time to really say anything. (The something? A couple of kids who wouldn't go to sleep.)

Please accept this promissory note in lieu of an actual post.

If you cut it out of your monitor and present it to me at a later date, I will then ramble on about something for your pleasure.

I knew you'd understand.


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

If I Was Stoned...

This video would freak me out.
Seriously - I'd be wanting to run away, but not be able to stop looking.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Plank.

Hey Fatty.

Wanna try something? I'll bet your fat ass can't do it.
It's easy - you don't even have to move.

Take the burrito out of your mouth and lay on the floor.
Yeah, that's right - lay down. On your stomach. (Don't worry, we're not doing the scene from Deliverance.)


Put your hands together like your praying, and put your legs straight out like you're going to do a push-up. (No actual push-ups today, tons-o-fun - one torture at a time.)

Now lift your tubby gut off the floor and hold your body straight - like a board.

That's it. That's all you have to do.

Just hold it for one minute.
Just sixty seconds.

Feel the core of your body starting to shake?
Is gravity pulling that massive donut you call a waist to the floor?
Keep it straight now.

Back starting to cramp? Breathing heavy? Breaking a sweat? Remember, all you are doing is not moving.

Ten seconds more...

...And you're done.

Hardest fucking exercise I've ever done.


Monday, January 28, 2008

Badly Drawn Boy.

Everyday at work I have a routine:

When I go on coffee, I grab the newspaper and check out the two most important parts - the Horoscopes and the Funny Pages.

But the Funny Pages aren't so funny anymore.

There are still one or two comics that I regularly get a chuckle out of - the rest I tend to ignore. But there's one comic that just pisses me off. I can't stand it - every time I look at this comic, it makes me cringe. The art is horrible, the jokes are nonexistent and for some strange reason the author has decided to write about a dog for the last 6 months. (Get a better story line, man. I get it - dogs eat table scraps!)

How is it that I get more amusement out of Hagar the Horrible - a strip that's over 30 years old- than I do from something that should, by today's standards, not be so tired and boring?

It's one of those comics that makes me roll my eyes and assume that they'll let any chucklehead have a comic in the papers. All they have to do is keep it bland and uncomplicated. (And this comic is - it's about as uncomplicated as what's in my son's diapers.)

So maybe I should just shut the fuck up and not read it, right? - Wrong.
It's at the fucking top of the page - I have to at least glance at it , even in passing. That's when some horrible piece of art will draw me in, and then there's 30 seconds of my life I'm not getting back. This guy must be blowing the Comics Editor at the Province to get such a prime spot on the page.

So I'll suffer, until the Comics Editor comes to his senses or the writer stops sucking such good cock, and wait for something else to take it's place. Anything will be better than what's there.

Oh look - the dog shit on the carpet. How Original.


Sunday, January 27, 2008


Everyone needs a bit of roughage in their diet.

I prefer celery.

Why celery, do you ask?

It's crispy (like bacon), crunchy, (like bacon) and is very good for you. (like I wish bacon was) I eat celery for a snack almost every day. ( like I used to eat bacon)

The best part is that eating celery helps curb my cravings for other things (like bacon) that wouldn't be good for me. Once I've wolfed down a couple of sticks, (instead of bacon) then I'm good to go, and ready to start my (bacon-free) day.

I haven't even thought of fatty foods (like bacon) in a week. It's been great.

Celery Rules!



Saturday, January 26, 2008

Normal Guy 2.0

I hope this reaches up to volume 19.

If you look quickly, you might see the Sidekick - he's wearing his Habs jersey.


Friday, January 25, 2008

Forty-Eight Dollars An Hour.

Right after I got home from work tonight, my neighbor calls: he's having a Poker game. He's one person short, and asks if I'd like to come over for a bit.

I debate for all of .0035 seconds and say yes.

I grab my buy-in money and run over.

It's a smaller game than the one we normally have - less people at the table, and the blinds aren't as big. I usually enjoy it - and tonight was no exception.

I must have picked the right seat, because the cards I got were red hot right away. I only lost one big hand, and made that back almost immediately. Full houses, top pair, and two pair were my best friends for the duration. I played sensibly, and wasn't in every hand, but the card Gods were nice to me.

I was over there for an hour and a half and cashed out $64 richer.

Not a bad night indeed.

Now if I could just make that wage at my real job.....


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Ignored By The Academy.

I've had a dream.

Ever since I was an itty-bitty blogger, I've had a dream to be featured as a "Blog of Note" - the cream of Blogger's crop, so to speak.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I figured with persistence and patience, I'd be rewarded for my consistency.


You see, my blog is a combination personal/observance blog. I comment on what I think and the meanderings of my everyday life. To be a Blog of Note, you have to have pictures of your dog or ramble about how horses can teach us about ourselves. That, combined with a blog where an artist is striving to draw every mammal in existence, makes me think that my blog just isn't "furry" enough for the powers-that-be.

I just can't do that.

I can't get that excited about my fish.
They are cute and everything, but c'mon.. I can't devote that kind of obsession to something that swims around in it's own shit.

Oh well, that's why they're called dreams, right?


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Even Smarter.

As a fan of the Get Smart! television show - I'd really like to see this movie.

I'd totally forgotten it was coming out, and then stumbled across the trailer tonight. As long as it stays somewhat faithful to the spirit of the show, I think I'll be great. But if the same guy who wrote Even Almighty is on it - we'd better watch out.

As long as I hear "Missed it by that much.", I'll be content.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Expectations Fulfilled.

First of all I'd like to say that both The Sidekick and I, after seeing Cloverfield, stated that we were going to blog about it. I was even magnanimous enough to say that if he wrote about it first, I wouldn't.

Well, guess who hasn't updated.
That being said.....

I really enjoyed this movie.

The best way to sum it up? If Godzilla fucked the Blair Witch, the resulting spawn would be Cloverfield.

The pacing and feel of the story were great - I was so caught up at times that I had to consciously tell myself to relax. It wasn't anything scary or frightening about it - the movie just sweeps you up and speeds off. There are very little down points - something is always happening.

I heard that some people didn't like the shaky-cam effect - they found it nauseating. It didn't bother me in the least. Must be all those hours watching shaky camera stuff on YouTube. Either that or the hours and hours of homemade Epileptic Porn that I have. Whatever - the effects didn't bug me.

As for the ending? There were people behind us who didn't like it. I didn't think it was that they hated the ending - I think they didn't understand it. For me, I thought it was done really well, and fit perfectly with the tone of the movie.

I would even consider seeing it again - and I don't say that about movies very often.

Now where's my Handycam?


Monday, January 21, 2008

Giant Fucking Monster

Tonight's the night that me and The Sidekick finally go see Cloverfield.

I've purposefully stayed away from anything and everyone that might have any impact on my enjoyment of the movie.

I don't think I'll be disappointed.

It's a Giant Fucking Monster - how can I be disappointed?


Sunday, January 20, 2008

This Goat Weighs Thirty Pounds.

When I first started growing the goatee, it was just to see if I could do it - my work allows it, and I hadn't done anything like that in five years. I thought I'd grow it for two weeks and then I'd shave it off.

The day I was going to get rid of it, I also stepped on a scale. That was a morbid surprise. It was at that moment I made a promise to myself. The goat was going to stay until I lose 30 pounds - no matter what.

I'll admit, having the goat is annoying. It doesn't match the color of my hair, it's full of gray, and all the trimming and shit to keep it looking respectable is maddening.

But it's still here.

However, it should be gone soon.

The gym across the street from where I work is Having a "Biggest Loser" contest, with 1st place being a year membership and various spa and training packages. Because we are a neighborhood business, I swindled a deal and got anyone from my workplace in cheap. It's a three month time period, and just being back at the gym again is great.

I'm going to kick some ass.

I got weighed in Wednesday, and have been hitting the gym about once a day since then. That, combined with a healthier diet, has me down about 10 pounds as of this morning. I should still be in the 10-pound range at the weekly weigh in.

I'm thinking I'm going to get a fresh pack of razors - just to have them ready.


Saturday, January 19, 2008

A Pirate's Dignity.

A Calgary man was busted for video piracy when he was caught with a recording device in a theater.

If you're like me, the first thing you thought was "What movie was he busted at?". (He was caught while recording Sweeny Todd)

I'm waiting patiently for the guy who gets apprehended while trying to record The Land Before Time 28 - Aren't These Fucking Dinos Dead Yet?. It's bad enough that they are going to get caught and prosecuted, but to be taken in while trying to smuggle that type of shlock? Inconceivable.

I can see the trial:

"Your Honor, the suspect was noticed by police for his suspicious behavior."
"Which was..?"
"He was a lone 20-year old man sitting by himself at a kids movie, sir."
"I see..."
"Originally we thought he was a pedophile, but it turned out he was just recording the movie."
"You're sure he's not a pedophile?"
"Yes, sir. It was The Land Before Time - so we just think he's retarded."

It should be priceless.


Friday, January 18, 2008


One thing about getting back to the gym:

I'd forgotten how much I sweat.

Maybe they've got the heat on in there, but I swear I could fill a bucket (okay, maybe just a small glass) after I get off the treadmill. Don't worry, sanitary freaks - I wipe thier equipment down afterwards. (I even wipe my equipment down, too - wink, wink. ..Eww.)

Thank God I drink lots of water - if that's what I'm losing, I'd better put more back in. I could not drink any water, but then I'd be a dried out husk, and that's not good. (Is it bad at the gym to have a Venti White Chocolate Mocha instead of a water bottle?)

At least the sweat makes it look like I'm working really hard.

(I am, but now it looks like I am - and perception is important.)


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Cable Conundrum.

I'm in crisis right now.

I'm not very satisfied with my cable company's performance.

They've been going through some "growing pains" and the quality of programming hasn't been what I expected. As well, there have been a couple of things that have pissed me off lately:
  1. Lack of "On Demand" or Pay-Per-View programming - When I signed up 7 months ago, they were just getting rid of their pay channels and were going to be going to "on demand" channels. This was pointed out to me at the time and I was told the change would happen within a month. (It hasn't) I'm not a big pay-per-view guy, but I feel the lack of follow through is indicative of bad things to come.
  2. HD content - What they have is passable, but it seems to me that those who have satellite or are with another provider are getting more for the same rate that I pay.
  3. Price increase - They just did a price increase this month, so now I'm really questioning if I'm getting the most bang for my buck.
So with all of the above going on, I'm starting to look elsewhere. Sad thing is, my local cable company is the only cable provider - I'll have to go to satellite if I want to change. Have you tried to read a satellite programming/pricing guide? I'd have better luck if I laid the sheet on the floor and used the Staff of Ra to pick something out.

Right now, I'll just go with the flow and do some more research. With any luck, things will improve or else I'll end up finding the deal of the century. Either way, it should work out.

If it doesn't?

Well, I do have all these DVD's to watch.

Princess Bride, anyone?


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cannabis Poriferans

It's too bad I don't smoke pot anymore.

'Cause Spongebob Squarepants would be even better stoned.

I've never really watched it before - I've been aware of it, but never paid attention when it was on. I just dismissed it as a kiddie cartoon.

This show is fucking crazy.

It's retarded as well - which only adds to my theory that some home-grown pharmaceuticals would only enhance it's enjoyment.

I think there's a marathon on YTV right now.

Has anyone seen my rolling papers?


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Bladder Like A Little Girl.

Lately, in the interests of health, I've taken to drinking more water.

All the experts recommend about 8-10 glasses a day, depending on your level of exertion. I figured that 8 glasses doesn't sound like much, and would be easy to do.

I was right.

What I didn't figure on was the amount of times I'd have to piss in a day. It's almost like being at the bar - once you break that seal, you're in and out of the bathroom all night. (Or day, as in my case.) Does coffee shrink your bladder? 'Cause it's the only thing I've done over the years that could have had an adverse affect, I think. There's no other reason for it.

In my mind right now, my bladder is approximately the size of a small walnut.

Try fitting 8 glasses of water into one of those.

Go on, I dare ya.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the can - again.
(I've just about cut through a urinal cake with my lightsaber of pee.)


Monday, January 14, 2008


If bad drivers can sue their insurance companies when they get into accidents,


If smokers can sue the cigarette manufacturers after they get emphysema,


If you can sue the bar when you get hit by a drunk driver,

Does that mean I can sue the Porn companies if I ever develop carpal tunnel syndrome?

I'm just wondering, is all.

Just wondering....


Sunday, January 13, 2008

Long Road to Ruin.

Musicians, Artists, Actors - Is there anything Dave Grohl and friends can't do?

I didn't think so.

Love the video - great as always.


Saturday, January 12, 2008

Shed A Tear.

One of the kids at work put his resignation in tonight.

When some of the other staff found out, they asked me if I was sad that he was leaving, and seemed shocked that I said I wasn't.

It's not like I worked with the kid for years - he'd been around about 6 months - and since he was only part-time I maybe worked with him once a week. It's not like we formed a tight relationship. He was alright personality wise, but he was lazy as fuck and I had to keep following up on him to make sure he was doing his job.

So I wasn't sad to see him leave.

Doesn't mean I'm a heartless bastard.

There are people that I do miss working with - but those were people that I worked with for a long time or had a special connection with. Those are the ones that you think back to when you wonder where all the good ones went.

Some scrub kid? Won't miss him a bit.

I don't fool myself, either. I know that if and when I ever leave my job, there are going to be those who are sad to see me go and those who can't wait for me to leave. I won't be bothered by that at all.

Now someone find me a tissue - I'm getting all emotional over here.


Friday, January 11, 2008

Reality Bites.

There's one thing that amazes me about video games today.

They all look so good.

Back in the day - when I was but a young boy, pure and innocent - I was happy with four roaming pixels on my parents television.(May I add that said television screen was 17 inches across and housed in a 32 foot long box made to look like part of the decor?) That's right - feel my pain.

I still recall the moment I first saw my friend playing Donkey Kong on his Colecovison, I thought that the picture was great - way better than my shitty Atari 2600.

My kids would look at that today and ask me if the TV was broken.

What's going to happen in the future? Am I going to be playing Assassin's Creed in fifteen years and have my grandchildren tell me that they can't stand to look at that clunky garbage on my tiny 42 inch screen? (That game looks fucking amazing, by the way.) I'll be the old man who's totally retro because he plays with a controller instead of his mind.

I'll say it now, even though it's too early: Fuckin' punks.

I've got to get back to my game now, but I need some Visine - my eyes are dry from going so long without blinking.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Hell Is A Parking Lot.

No matter where I went today, parking was a bitch.

I know that part of it is because of the weather, but I also know that the other part is that people are fucking retarded.

And when it's raining like this I'm lucky if I find a spot even remotely close to the door - so I don't even try. I park a bit away and walk. (Even with the kids, this is sometimes the easiest solution.)

My issue today was that wherever I parked, some shmuck would park right next to me (driver's side of course) and leave me with less than a foot to open my door.

Forget trying to wedge my ample frame through the gap - do you have any idea how difficult it is to put a kid in a car seat when you have only enough room to fit the kid and your arms into the opening? I felt like Homer Simpson handling uranium rods.

Why would some ass park next to me like that? There were at least two or three other empty spaces on either side of me. If it was only once, I'd think it was just one asshole, but since it was three times I'm staring to think it's an epidemic.

Maybe my car looks hotter than all the other cars on the lot, and people think we can huddle for warmth - or maybe they just like pissing me off. I think it's probably the fact that they are idiots , and aren't paying attention to anything other than themselves.

The last answer is more than likely the correct one.

Next time I'll be a gentleman, and just politely let the air out of their tires.

That'll show them.


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Minimal R.E.M.

I learned something very useful today:

I can't function on 4 hours of sleep.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I wasn't able to rest until the wee hours of the morning. (Many thanks to The Sidekick and Felicia Hardy - they were a big help.) I had to work early today, which meant that I got approximately 4 hours of sleep before having to get up and go.

I wasn't a pretty sight.

Coffee didn't have any effect - nothing did.

My demeanor was surly and my outlook dour. I was moving at about half speed, which means I was one step above reverse. Nothing seemed to go my way. It was not a good time.

I plowed through my day, and can finally rest. It's going to be an early night, I can tell you that.

I believe I hear my pillow calling, so I bid you all adieu.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Sidekick's Choice.

It's Movie Night.

The female of the house has been sent away with The Sidekick's significant other and the two of us are going to watch some cinema.

(After the kids are put to bed, of course. I don't count Over the Hedge as cinema.)

I'm not sure what were going to watch, as I let The Sidekick make the choice. It's all up to him - and he better not disappoint. I'm not going to waste two hours of my life on Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas - I'd like to watch something good. (He's going to hate me for saying that.)

I'm sure he'll do okay - and if it's not.... well I always have my selection to choose from.

That'll teach him. (Princess Bride, anyone?)


Monday, January 07, 2008

Earnest Caffeine.

I'm in heaven.

There's finally a decent coffee shop in my area of town.

And it's right beside my place of employment.

I no longer have to drive 20 minutes out of my way to get a decent cup of coffee anymore. The front door to paradise is located about 30 feet from where I start my workday.

For lunch I had a muffin and sipped my Mocha while reading The National Post.

I could have died happy.

The Sidekick says I shouldn't be so jubilant - it's not a Starbucks.
But I'll take what I can get on the outskirts of town.

And I'll take it with a muffin in the seat by the window - thankyouverymuch.


Saturday, January 05, 2008

Galactic Empire

So I got home from coffee tonight and The Wife is playing Super Mario Galaxy. I bought her the game for Christmas, but completely forgot about it once I got the 360.

It looks like a fucking cool game.

It's totally in tune with the Wii controls, and playing it makes you look like your having an epileptic fit, albeit an enjoyable one. It's the best looking Mario game I've ever seen.

Now if I can pry the controls from her hands - maybe she'll let me play it.


Friday, January 04, 2008



I can handle rain.

Little sprinkles of water, falling from the sky, forming puddles my kids can jump in and splash about. It's fun to watch them play and just enjoy the moment. That crisp smell of clean after the rain has passed is wonderful.


What I can't handle is a torrential downpour that howls across the landscape, creating lakes where there once was dry asphalt. My kids don't get a chance to puddle-jump as the force of the wind would bowl them over. The puddles look like they have whitecaps. The only smell is wet skin and dampness - not pleasant at all.

To sum it up, going downtown to accomplish the five things I had to do today was frustrating and exhausting. The kids handled it well, considering that they were water logged for the most part.

When we got home, I checked them for gills.

Just to make sure.


Thursday, January 03, 2008

All Fired Up.

If there's one thing I can't abide in this world it's the kid-gloves way that we handle drug addiction.

I'm of the mindset that drugs are a choice. You made the choice, you have to live with the consequences.

If you are of my generation, or maybe even a bit older, you've had ample exposure to how bad drugs are. I'm not talking about a bit of hash or maybe some pot - I'm talking about crack, coke, crystal meth, and heroin. It's widely known and accepted how addictive and damaging they are. The effects are immediate (unlike cigarettes, which take ages before you see negative health benefits) and well documented.

With that in mind, I feel that any idiot who decides that tonight's the night they're going to fire up the pipe/ hit the needle/ smoke the rock is to be treated like any other disobedient child. Spank them, take the bad stuff away, and teach them not to do it again. They've demonstrated their incompetence just by doing the stuff - what's the point in coddling them?

When I saw the headline in today's paper I was incensed. I see what they are trying to do - halt the spread of Hep C due to people sharing pipes - but I think they are going about it all wrong. There has to be another way.

What's next? Free ice-cold mugs for alcoholics? Free cars for drunk drivers? Why not just hand out guns? You're not giving them the stuff that kills, just the vessel to distribute it , right?

I believe that our government enables addicts. We offer them safe injection sights and free supplies. Why can't that apply to everyone? Do sex addicts get free, government supplied copies of Hustler? Do kleptomaniacs get access to stores after hours? It's not their fault they have a problem, They're addicted.

I'm addicted to Poker - I made a choice to play. Does that mean the government is going to supply me with chips and a table? Where does it end?

I hope that eventually we get someone in charge who says enough is enough - you made your bed, now lie in it.

"Hey crackie, don't want to get Hep C? Don't share your pipe. Lost your pipe? Well, I guess you can't smoke crack anymore, isn't that a shame?"


Wednesday, January 02, 2008

These Boots Are Made For...

As a parent, I'm a little bit lost at times.

My kids sometimes do things that amaze and confound me.

Right now, it's the later.

My youngest is currently infatuated with his SpiderMan rubber boots. He wants to wear them all the time. In bed, at the table, inside, outside - it doesn't matter. He'd wear them for weeks if we'd let him. (We don't let him wear them to bed or the table, I am a hard ass, if you recall.)

But it's one of those things I just don't understand. It's just a pair of boots - he's got toys galore and all the time in the world, so why keep focusing on the boots?

Please God, don't let him be a cobbler.

I know he'll grow out of it soon, and hey -it could be worse, right?

It could be heels.


Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Searching For 2008.

So it's the start of another year.

I failed on 96.2% of my last year's resolutions, so I'm not even going to bother thinking up this years. (Yet.)

I'll try to be a better person, I guess, and leave the rest up to chance.

Yeah, that sounds general enough.