Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Plastic Extension.

I was working on the till for a bit today, and something occurred to me:

As men, we treat our debit/credit cards a lot like our dicks, and I think the way we act during a transaction says a lot about us.

Every guy that I served today had their card in their hand, jammed it into the card reader, and couldn't wait to remove it. As for swiping, they would do it upside down, ram it back and forth, and pocket it again as soon as possible. The receipt? Forget it, crumple it and throw it out - they don't want it at all.

The ladies, on the other hand, are completely different - they have their card tucked in a purse or wallet, handle it gently, and wait until the appropriate time before sliding their card in. When the transaction is over they neatly put their card away, wait for the receipt, and proceed on their way.

Quite the difference.

I'll admit, there were people from each gender who acted like the other, but those were few and far between.

Now I'm sure there's a ton of generalizations you could infer from these observations, and the fact that I immediately went to something sexual with the thought says something about me as well, I'm sure. ( I immediately went with the card/cardreader, tab a/slot b idea.)

But if I've thought it, I'm sure some other cashier/clerk/waitress/whatever has as well. So the next time I'm being served, I'm going to treat my card with some respect, not jam it into the reader, and show a little tenderness when finishing the transaction.

I suggest you do the same - can't hurt, right?
(Unless you meet someone who likes their debit machine handled roughly, then go ahead.)


Canuck Fever. (Or,Take 2 Bandwagons & Call Me In The Morning.)

You know, I was going to do a big ranty post about the Canucks being in the Stanley Cup Final (good) and all the bandwagon jumping that politicians and businesses are doing to cash in on the success and milk it for all it's worth (bad).

But then I decided that if you just finished reading the previous sentence you pretty much got the gist of what I was saying, and I really shouldn't have to elaborate, right?

That's what I thought.

I'm going to take a nap now.


Monday, May 30, 2011

Introductions Are In Order.

Right now, as I type this, "Tired of Waiting" by the Trews is playing on the radio here at work, and it started me thinking:

What was the "introductory" song for some of the bands you enjoy?

For me, I heard "Tired of Waiting" and immediately liked it, which prompted me to research and learn more about the band, and they have remained a favorite ever since.

So what song did it for ya? What hooked you?

What got me into Pearl Jam wasn't "Jeremy" or "Alive" - back then I couldn't stand Eddie and the boys -  it was hearing "Dissident" at a concert with the Sidekick that showed me what I was missing.

Believe it or not, but "Big Me" wasn't the song that made me dig the Foo - it was "This is a Call" - but the cheesy Mentos-style video did help Dave cement a place in my heart.

For KOL it was "Fans" - something about the pace, the beat, just the uniqueness of the song made me realize that sometimes it's good to pay attention to some of the stuff the Sidekick talks about.

For Pink Floyd, it was "Mother" - for Zeppelin, "The Ocean" - Kiss had "Deuce", and The Beatles was "When I'm 64".

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are more. Put yours in the comments - It would be cool to hear them.


Sunday, May 29, 2011

Episode 5 - Kirk Cameron Can Suck My Balls.

Once again into the breech, my friends - where we discuss religion, rapture, dickheads, dreamboats, housekeepers, and examine the Sidekick's reaction to being asked if he's from another country.

Please enjoy Midlife Rambler's Episode 5.

And remember - we love feedback like fatty kids love Rice Krispy Squares.


Friday, May 27, 2011

About Last Night....

There was a Poker Game.

There was Gin.

There was fun conversation with people I actually enjoy being around.

There was more Gin.

There were great fluctuations in the size of my chip stack.

There was even more Gin.

There were Chicken Wings. (Washed down with Gin.)

There were winners and losers, sharks and fish.

There was a fucking good time at my house last night.

And it was sweet.

Forty is going to be crazy, my friends, so having a nice, easy Thirty-nine was kinda nice.


Thursday, May 26, 2011


- An awesome Roman numeral, (XXXIX), if that "I" didn't get in there and fuck up the symmetry.
- An unlucky number in Afghan numerology, and I know at least one guy in the west who isn't thrilled with it either.
- Title of a song by the Cure, but they suck and no one cares.
- The atomic number of yttrium, which sounds like something George Lucas would have made up - still better than "midichlorions".
- Jersey number of Johan Franzen, Doug Gilmour, Doug Weight, Domink Hasek, Christobal Huet, and a fuckton of other NHL'ers you've never heard of.
- Number of Articles for something to do with the Catholics, I think - can't spend all my time on Wikipedia, people.
- Number of feet in the pole that they wouldn't touch the Grinch with. (I know it's 39.5, I rounded down, alright?)
- Anniversary number in which the gift is "lace". If I'm married for that long, I hope the only lace is a doily on my casket.
- Where "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts currently sits on the Billboard hot 100. Obviously shows Billboard doesn't know shit if crap like that charts that high.
- How many years old the oldest cat in the world is. (Can someone other than me please make an "old pussy" joke?)

Oh yeah - it's also how old I am today.
Woooooo. (Can you read sarcasm?)


Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I must have pleased someone in Blogger's upper echelon.

For some reason in the past 3 weeks, the amount of traffic coming to look at my little corner of the Internet has almost tripled.

I was going to say that it must have something to do with me being fantastically hilarious, that people can't get enough of the Sidekick's witty banter during the weekly podcast, or that word of mouth had gotten out about how fucking cool this place is, but then reality kicked in and I took a look at the facts.

Most of the people who look here come from that little button at the top of your screen that says "Next Blog". They are just people who are cruising Blogger and hoping something jumps out and interests them.

So it turns out that instead of being a place that people hear about and seek out, I'm more like a humorous homeless guy you stumbled upon while out for a stroll. (Dance, monkey! Dance!)

So it turns out that Blogger is just the ones directing traffic towards my corner, probably just a temporary thing until the Internet hiccups again and this place gets as popular as a ghost town.

But whatever - I'm just glad people are reading/listening. I just hope Blogger doesn't expect any "favors" in return - I love this place, but I'm not takin a shot in the mouth for it. (eeeew)


Monday, May 23, 2011

Random Thoughts

- As much as I dig the rural area I work in, when the wind is blowing right and the smell of cowshit drifts in from down the road, I fucking hate it here.
- I bet even Supermodels would look bad if you took a picture of them on the toilet. (What? Everybody poops.)
- There will be a time, many years in the future, when even Vampire Weekend is considered "Classic Rock".
- If Chad Kroeger pays his ex $25000.00 a month, and say he got a blowjob every day, each year they were together, it works out to $821.76/blowjob. I'm no rockstar, but I get that shit for free.
- The first day of working without having to wear ties is fucking sweet.
- As I grow older, I like the things I used to hate, at least food-wise. So I imagine that right before I die, I'll finally like peas.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Episode 4 - Attack of the Annoying Background Hiss.

I know - I'm just as amazed as you are that we keep churning these things out.

Please enjoy Midlife Ramblers, Episode 4 - in which we cover musical tastes, as well as the other random shit we talk about.

As always, feedback is more than welcome - it's a downright necessity.


Saturday, May 21, 2011


Thirty-five million dollars.

Someone in my hometown won the Lotto Max, and is now a multi-millionaire. Am I envious? Hell yes - money may not buy happiness, but it buys piece of mind, and I'm good with that.

No one knows who the winner is yet, but I can see it going in a couple of directions:

- Someone who deserves to win, needs the money, and will use it to help themselves and others. (Note: least possible outcome.)
- A group of people who work together, who will be unable to touch the money because of legal issues arriving from a suit brought by the co-workers who weren't in on it.
- An elderly couple with no kids or other family who are 5 days from death's door, and will leave it all to the church or their cat, Mr. Puddles.
- Someone who will use the money foolishly, act like a retard, and be destitute and on the street in 3 years.
- Someone who already has more money than they need or know what to do with, who just plays the Lotto to sustain their gambling addiction.

It may sound bitter,but I'm pretty sure I'm right. We'll just have to wait and see.

But if you know (or are) the winner, there's this sweet little blog/podcast that could use a sponsor....


Friday, May 20, 2011

I Feel:

- That the Rapture hype is waaay overrated.
- That if all the "do-gooders" do go up, it means the rest of us can stay down here and get our freak on.
- That if I was preaching about the end of the world, I'd give myself a more vague date. If it doesn't go down, some people are going to be looking prrrreeety stupid.
- That if I could, I'd record a podcast almost every day.
- That the punishment for disturbing me while I'm on my lunch should be something medieval, and painful.
- That, if I'm going to be honest, I'd rather see penalty-box tits then the Green Men any day. (Google it and compare for yourself - you'll see I'm right.)
- That if I have to explain the joke to you, its my mistake for telling someone something when I didn't realize they were an idiot.
- That I sound like a bitter, bitter man at times. But that's what this place is for, right?


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Iron = Ink.

I noticed something at the gym today.

Of the 6 guys ( 7, inc. me.) that were working out at the same time, there was only 1 guy who didn't have at least one tattoo. Heck, two of the guys had complete sleeves, and another was well on his way. (The one guy without? Had to be at least 70.)

I understand the desire to decorate the body you've worked so hard to achieve, but it's getting a bit ridiculous. I'm waiting for the day when I walk into the gym and there's a guy covered head to toe in ink and working out in a thong. (Please never happen.)  It's gotta stop sometime.

..except for the girl with the Tramp Stamp on the stairclimber in front of me. Stay where you are, and don't ever change.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Vocal Letdown

I'm listening to the rough, rough, rough, draft of the latest podcast that the Sidekick and I recorded.

The first couple of podcasts we did, I had a bitchin' chest cold. As I stated before, I felt I sounded like a male Kathleen Turner. Now that the cold is gone, and my voice is back to normal, I've decided that as much as some may think I sound like Ewan McGregor, I personally don't like the sound of my voice.

I knew I didn't have the most powerful voice, and I'm okay with that. But I think I sound like some guy who's balls haven't dropped yet.

Trust me, they have.

Listen to the next podcast when it's up - (Please! Just listen!) and let me know what you think. I just realized that I even pseudo-sing at times, so prepare to be shocked.

If you're ears start to bleed, don't blame me.


Monday, May 16, 2011

Outside Influence.

It's amazing how the weather outside affects the personality and behavior of the general public.

It was clear outside when I came to work, but judging by the people I've had to deal with today, I would gather that it's a massive downpour of assholes out there.

Cloudy with a chance of shitheads, maybe?

Just sayin'.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Episode 3 - Editing Nightmare

This week's Episode - Where trains of thought get lost and found, and The Sidekick shows his wicked-cool editing skills.

Please enjoy Midlife Ramblers Episode 3.

Feedback is always welcome.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Observations Part Deux

- Watching someone take pictures of things in a magazine - pretend vacation, maybe? Crazy but cheap.
- The Sidekick went to the local watering hole/stomping grounds - I think his disappointment was not that it hasn't really changed, but that they probably handed him the same dirty glass he had the last time he was there.
- I believe that there's a place for everything, and everything has it's place - unfortunately, there are people around me who think elves appear at night and magically put shit away.
- Much like the Sidekick is a beer snob, I am a coffee snob - and sampling the crap we brew here at work is like making him drink mud that's been filtered through a German's socks and calling it beer.
- Listening to Motley Crue while working is like a painful flashback. Fond memories, but it hurts my ears.
- I find Twitter to be equal amounts of witty, insightful comments and news, and pure, unadulterated stupidity.
- At least 50% of the stupidity is funny, so I can deal with it.
- If the world suddenly produced a Cat made out of Bacon, the Internet would explode.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

General Observations

- People (the general public) are insensitive, self-absorbed, and ignorant.
- The fact that the Tim Hortons drive-thru makes me feel that way about my fellow humans is quite sad, really.
- The more time I spend at the pool, the more I have Waterworld fantasies. (minus Kevin Costner)
- Right when you don't want them to, the dog pisses on the carpet.
- The fact that the first thought I have when you say "Escape from New York" is of Adrienne Barbeau's sweet cleavage says a lot about me.
- .....and now it's your mental picture too.
- I still think Crocs are the shittiest shoes ever.
- My phone's autocorrect feature actively hates me, and is hell-bent on making me look retarded or more perverse than I am.
- That being said, I can understand it not being able to grasp the subtle infections of "horsedonkeymonkeycock".
- Flip flops are g-strings for your toes.
- "Bob's your uncle." is a really weird saying when you actually have an Uncle named Bob. It's like, "I know, motherfucker, why do you keep telling me?"
- Soon they will market "American History X" as a Kinect game for the 360 - Neo-nazis will rejoice at unlocking the "curb stomp" feature.
- I'm a lot more jaded when my caffeine ratio is measured in cups, instead of hogsheads. (I'm ol'skool, yo.)


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Feel:

- That sometimes I wish I could bring a blunt, heavy object to work...y'know, for science.
- That the title of the experiment would be "Instantaneous Negative Reinforcement and it's Impact on the Stupid People Around You."
- That watching the Canucks in the 3rd Period of any playoff game fills me with more doubt than hope.
- That when the Sports Media refers to a 36 year-old guy as "old" and "nearing the end of his career" it makes me want to cry.
- That I enjoy the weekly Podcast so much that it could almost be addictive.
- That watching "A Game of Thrones" on HBO is a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all.
- That, like a 16 year-old boy, the new Lonely Island cd made me laugh my ass off.
- That the Thor movie made me more hopeful for the Avengers movie than anything Marvel had put out before.
- That I've come to treasure sleep and coffee almost as much as I treasured sex and booze when I was in my teens.
- That if we are being honest, I'm still a really big fan of sex and booze.


Monday, May 09, 2011


In some ways, I'm a very progressive person. I think change is good, evolution a fact, and that entropy is what drives the universe.

Except when it comes to my section at work.

That's when my attitude changes to "It ain't broke, why fix it?" - its not that I mind the work involved in relineing everything, it's just that I see no reason to mess with my perfectly good system. It's like someone is forcing their way into my bureau at home, and changing where I put my underwear.

Not a pleasant picture, is it?
I didn't think so.


Sunday, May 08, 2011

Episode 2 - Yes, We Did It Again.

It was so nice, we've done it twice.

May I present Midlife Ramblers Episode 2.

Feedback is always welcome.


Saturday, May 07, 2011


Some things should not be seen.

Walking around the corner at work, and there is a huge (like seriously, huuuuge) lady with bikini bottoms on bending over to place something on the bottom of her cart.

I can't give you much more information than that because my brain immediately started shutting down as a precautionary measure and I lost vision in my right eye.

I'm glad I was able to contain my gag reflex and somehow make it to safety.

It'll haunt me. (Oh my God....the tassels...)


Friday, May 06, 2011

The Other National Holiday.

Today is The Sidekick's Birthday.

For the 2nd year in a row, I have been unable to attend, due to work and family commitments.

It kinda passes me off.

The Sidekick's B-day was always the one day a year that was no-strings-attached. My wife understood - hell, she at times encouraged - the fact that we would act like drunken retards. It was understood that we'd probably go out for dinner with a group of people, have a good time, and then it was drinking and partying until the wee hours of the morning.

Not the last few years. It's not on purpose, but it always seems that something comes up around this time. Nothing major, but just enough to throw a wrench into any chance to go out.

So the Sidekick will be out tonight in the big city, and I'll get updates throughout. He'll have no wingman, and probably fail miserably - but that could just be my envy talking.

Either way, updates aren't the same as being there.

And that sucks.

Happy Birthday, Sidekick - you magnificent bastard.


Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Pleasantly Surprised.

As the title states, I'm pleasantly surprised at how the election turned out last night.

Sure, some don't like that the Conservatives stayed in, but there was big change all around - I think the worst thing that could have happened to Canadian politics would be to have an election and just end up with the status quo.

Conservative majority? Ok Mr. Harper, you have your mandate, now show us what you can do for Canadians.

NDP? Congratulations on the "Orange Crush" - hopefully you are able to do something with your newfound status.

Liberals? I would say that obviously the biggest change people felt was needed was in your party, but then I'd be forgetting about...

The Bloc. Goodbye, fuckers - don't let the door hit your separatist ass on the way out.

I would have been happy if the last result had been the only result. (Oooh - I sound bitter!)

And that's the kinda suprise I like.


Monday, May 02, 2011

Not Too Little, But Way Too Late.

The papers and news are all ablaze with the death of Osama Bin Laden.

I'm of the opinion that , while important, his death doesn't really change anything.

If they would have nailed him in January 2002, I think his death would have had more meaning.

It would have shown that if you commit an act of terrorism, be prepared to have retribution swiftly thrust upon you. What his death shows now is that if you commit a mass act of terrorism you will pay, but it might take 10 years or so, and you have that time to go about your business and keep plotting the deaths of your "enemies".

I think that's like punishing your dog six weeks after he shits on the floor. It's not an example or a lesson.

I'm sure that there are those who will look at Osama and say "At least he didn't get away with it." But there are probably others who would say "He got away with it for a long fucking time."

I'm one of the later.