Friday, August 31, 2007

Liquor Up Front, Poker In The Rear.

I'm posting now, because after work I head straight to the Sidekick's for Poker Night.

Thank God.
Online Poker can only slake my addiction so much. The feel of the cards, the witty banter, the social aspect with people who aren't a bunch of anonymous assholes - that's what Poker is to me.

I can't wait.

I hope we play 7-2. (I'll kick ass.)
All-In with Pocket Queens!


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Staple of My Youth.

Things that make this a great Eighties Video:

  • Hot Chicks. (In school uniforms no less!)
  • Big Hair - both guys and girls. (Imagine the hairspray budget on that shoot, eh?)
  • Sweet guitar solo about 3 minutes in.
  • There's a story to the video - not much of one, I agree, but there is a semblance of structure.
  • Did I mention the big hair?
  • Pants so tight you can tell if the guitarist is Jewish or not.
  • Never heard from this band again.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Movie Madness

I'm so far behind on my movie viewing.

Between what I've bought on DVD and saved with the good ol' PVR, I have about nine or ten movies that I have - but still haven't seen yet.

Quite sad, really.

It's tough to find two free hours nowadays. I like the Sit 'n Go Poker because it's usually less than an hour. I can squeeze that into my day. But movies? Don't make me choose between Poker and movies.

If I had the time, movies all the way.
(Unless it's live Poker - than I'm not even looking at the TV.)

The way I see it, God won't let me get into heaven until I've seen every movie I own. (He's not a cruel God - he won't take me before then.) So what does this mean, essentially?

I'm never going to die.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I can feel it sitting there.

It's a half inch to the left of my nose, and I can feel it.
And it's a monster.

Why, I ask you, do I still get zits at 35 years of age?

Zits are for teenagers. Young punks who don't know any better, and are more worried about the hair on their balls than the condition of their faces. Trust me, I'm not worried about my balls (anymore), and my face is where I make my money. A zit is not a good thing.

I feel ripped off. I paid my dues. I Clearasiled this mug from '87 to '91. Kept it in tip top shape. So why am I paying the price now? I am I going to have to be one of those pansy fucks who worries about exfoliating properly? I don't think so.

I'm going to wait until this gusher ruptures (I'm not forcing it) and then I'm going to wage an all-out war with my friends Soap & Water. Once this malignancy has been cleansed, I can be human again.

Wish me luck.


Monday, August 27, 2007

The Bowling Alley Dream.

Have you ever had a sexual dream of someone you never expected to?

One of those dreams that just comes out of left field, and when you wake up you are shaking your head in disbelief?

It's happened to me a couple of times, but the strangest part of the dream is where it occurs: The Local Bowling Alley.

Why there? I have no idea. I used to bowl for a bit, so I am familiar with the surroundings. But it's the least sexual place I could ever think of. That, coupled with the fact that I'm having an erotic dream about someone who I never thought of that way before, is what makes the dream seem so weird.

I never thought I'd visualize myself pounding away on a scoring table. (But as I type this, it does seem oddly appropriate.) And with a girl that I've always looked at as a friend is almost as strange.

The first time I had this dream must have been five years (or more) ago. It was so strange that I had to tell the Sidekick about it. He laughed, and so did I. It was an inside joke that was reffered to periodically over the years.

And then it happened again.

I told the Sidekick again, just because of the absurdity of it. Same setting, different girl. I don't recall ever dreaming the same thing over and over again, and it was the repetition of it that really threw me. I'm wondering what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

To top it off, I made the 7-10 split. (if you know what I mean.)


Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Schizm.

This Video, in fact, this artist is where the Sidekick and I truly disagree on music. He scorns this as much as I scorned the Hip.

Hahaha Mother Fucker - watch it now.


Saturday, August 25, 2007

Skip It.

I'm skipping tonight.

And not just rope, either.

Trust me, I don't have anything relevant or entertaining to say right now. I'd try to force it, but you just can't compel the caliber of stuff you guys are used to.

Am I right?



Friday, August 24, 2007

Sit 'N Go.

I'm Addicted.

I used to just play online at random tables.

But the general public - when playing online Poker - are a bunch of schmucks. It drives me nuts just to play five minutes. I just couldn't deal with the high level of retardation.

Then I found Sit 'n Go tournaments. They don't take as long as the regular tournaments, because instead of 8000 players, there are anywhere from 9 to 45. The play is a lot more serious than regular table Poker, and the games can be done in quick enough fashion that I'm not in front of my computer all night. (Like that's a change, right?) Plus, the games crop up every minute or two, so I don't have to plant my ass in front of the monitor at a special time.

I've been doing really well in them. I've won 3 and placed "in the money" in at least eight or nine. I've only washed out early 3 times, and one of those was a ( horrible)bad beat. So I'm proud of my play. I don't think I'll go back to regular online Poker unless it's just to kill time.

I've got to go, there's one starting ...... now.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

It Ain't Easy Being Pretty...

You know, I've always had a problem with the A-Team. It's bothered me since 1982, and I thought I'd get it off my chest.

- It's not the improbable plots.
- It's not the sub-nuclear style explosions in which no one dies.
- It's not the fact that they had to drug a black guy to get him on a plane.

My Problem?

Hannibal "gets the girl" in most of the episodes.

With a piece of ass like Faceman hanging around, why would any woman in her right mind pick crusty old Hannibal to swoon over? I bet he smelled like Old Spice and Ben-Gay. Just because the motherfucker was Banacek don't mean shit.

How much disbelief do they want a ten-year old to suspend, anyway?

I can accept the crazy guy flying the plane. I can see why nobody but B.A. drove the van. I can even see how the U.S. military can't find them for 10 years. But to believe that the buxom farmer's daughter thinks cigar smokin'- safari jacket wearin' Hannibal is the hottest thing going?

Too much for me.


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

97.3 FM - "The Shit."

After having to listen to the (local) radio at work all day:
  1. I'm convinced that if Green Day took a shit and recorded it, it would still get massive airplay.
  2. I want to punch the local D.J. in the nuts, and then kick him in the face as he's doubled over in pain. Possibly twice.
  3. Canadian content should mean Sam Roberts, The Trews and even The Hip. Glass Tiger? I don't think so.
  4. My rage slowly built up as they announced the Top 5 at 5 were "wicked" songs from 1983. Ray Parker Junior? Kiss my ass.
  5. I couldn't get my iPod on fast enough. Dead battery? No Cd's in the car? Someone shoot me.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I'd Rather...

  1. Play Poker than go to work. Although if Poker was my work, I'd want to play Golf.
  2. Have a hot coffee than a cold beer.
  3. Have no blankets than too many - I'm just that hot.
  4. Listen to music than watch T.V.
  5. Watch Movies than watch T.V.
  6. Walk barefoot over hot pavement than listen to a Port Alberni story.
  7. Have no phone than have no e-mail.
  8. Lose my keys than my mind.
  9. Leave a list at Nine than force myself to find something for number Ten.


Monday, August 20, 2007

Last Gasp.

So I go back to work tomorrow.

It's not a bad thing.

I've enjoyed my holidays, but I've come to realize that I need the interaction with people outside of my normal friends and family. (I know Mom- don't talk to strangers, but I need this.) It's good for the soul to interact with others - doesn't matter if you've never met them before, or just haven't spoken to them in a while.

And that is the plus about my job. As long as I'm on time with the things I need to accomplish, and the customers are being taken care of, I have time to chat. (And those who read this know that I am a talker.) If I was a logger I'd only be able to talk to trees - but then having my salary twice over is a slight compensation.

The great thing is that I get to choose who I'm going to talk to. Although I do get roped into some unwanted conversations occasionally, I've become quite adept at extracting myself from the gravitational pull of boring speech. (Hint: feign ignorance - if they think you are dumb, they don't want to talk to you.) I like to talk to people who stimulate me. (Get your head out of the gutter.)

So going back will be a nice thing. Talking to my Son everyday about who he thinks the coolest Transformer is can be a bit wearing. (Optimus, in case you were curious.) I need to talk above a Pre-School level.

I'll be in Aisle 4.


Sunday, August 19, 2007

Thrown Clear.

I've always been horrible at wearing my seat belt.

I was born in the frozen tundra of the north, and it wasn't until I moved to B.C. at age 12 that I ever encountered a mandatory seat belt law. (Up north, if you are in an accident they figure you will came into contact with soft, fluffy snow at some point.) It boggled me, and in my rebellious nature, I refused to do what "The Man" told me.

I received a lot of fines when I got my Driver's License.

My explanation? I plan to be Thrown Clear.

See, once I've been ejected from the car, I'll be away from all the dangerous pieces of burning metal. I'll be able to get assistance, or go back into the wreckage and attempt saving any potential survivors. Me not wearing a restraint is so that I may help others.

Why don't the cops see it that way as well?



Saturday, August 18, 2007

It's The Beer, I Fear.

I golfed well today.

What's surprising about that, you ask? Well, I was half cut while I was doing it.

I got invited to go for golf (and beers) from my boss, so I accepted. I did well last time I golfed with the Sidekick, so I figured it couldn't go too bad.

After the 1st beer on the 2nd hole, things started to loosen up. My swing came around, my chipping was brilliant, and my putting sucked like usual. After polishing off beer #4 on hole #8 I was feeling no pain.

(Yes, I'm a chubby guy - but I'm a lightweight when it comes to booze lately.)

Now, two hours later and having stopped drinking, all I have is a shitty headache.

I think that is why I used to over-indulge when I drank in my youth. It wasn't that I'm not a socially responsible person, it's that I was trying to avoid the discomfort of the headache. It's not the greatest excuse, but I'll stick with it.

But if I continue to golf at this pace, I might have to take up drinking as a regular pastime again.
Does anyone have any Advil?


Day Off With Pay.

Went to Nanaimo.

Won $150 at the Casino.

Enjoyed the taste of Swiss Chalet.

Got back late.

Too tired to blog.

Feel my pain.


Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Pause That Refreshes.

Nothing to say tonight.

Just got back from Poker (broke even) and don't have a single thought in my head.
The Holidays are going by way too fast and I'm trying to enjoy my last weekend before I have to go back to work. (C'mon B.C. Lotto!)

A night off isn't too bad, right?

I knew you'd see it my way.


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Power the 9.

Today was a good day.

The sun was shining, the breeze was light. The Sidekick and I strode upon the Greens and Fairways like two Gods out for a walk amongst the wonders of the world.

Basically, I golfed today, and I did well.

Notice I did not say great or fantastic, but only well. It's been 473 days since I last put club to ball, and at times it really showed. I putted okay, and I did have at least one amazing chip shot. (It almost cost the Sidekick a buy-in at the Ripple Rock.) It was just nice to get out and enjoy the weather and the game. I didn't realize how much I missed playing until today.

I might even have another game set up on Saturday - my Boss wants to take me out - so I hope I can improve upon today's performance and still have a good time. (Minus all the Kevin Smith quotes - The Sidekick's the only one who I can converse with in RedBankese.)

I'll start getting addicted all over again - I know it.



Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I'm More Dangerous..

Than a kid's toy from China.

Seriously - I don't worry about lead in the paint on toddler toys, or swallowing hazards from Batman playsets. Why? Because my kids know not to eat paint and stick Robin's bat-a-rang in their mouths.

There's problems with Polly Pocket as well. (Lawd! Not Polly!) Your child could swallow one or more of the magnets that are embedded in them. (If your child works hard enough to dig the magnet out, should they not get the reward of twisted bowels that go with it?)

Parents just have to watch their children, and show them what is acceptable and what isn't. If you suspect your child may eat a magnet or ten, don't buy toys with fucking magnets in them. One of the first things a child should learn is : Don't eat what you don't know.

But lets blame China and the Manufacturers. It's a lot easier to cast doubt on them than it is to look in the mirror and see what kind of parent you are. It's almost to the point where wrapping your child in foam is a viable parenting option. Pay attention to your kids and what they do.

But keep an eye on Korea, too. You never know if they are going to attack our youth by putting radioactive screws into the Buck Rogers Commando Playset.


P.S. Read the article? Beaver County? That would be a sweet place to live.

Monday, August 13, 2007

My Lawn.

I tamed and slew the mighty beast,
The verdant field of green.

It chopped it down and watered it,
It's got a lovely sheen.

Weeds were whacked
And bags were filled
As I worked long and hard.

Afterwards I cleaned up
And went out to the yard.

The sun beat down upon my head,
The sweat upon my brow.
I knew I'd be done someday,
If not, I'd buy a cow.

The grass is so much greener
Upon the other side.
I'm sure he cheats at watering,
That Motherfucking Guy.

But now my work is done,
And I can rest and play.
The lawn is good for now at least,
Until about Friday.

Until that time I'll nurture it,
Treat it with love and care.
It's sad that my lawn gets cut
More than my own hair.


Sunday, August 12, 2007

607 Pages I'll Never Get Back.

I just finished reading the last Harry Potter book.

(That's not true. I finished reading it last night, and only got around to writing about it now.)

After I was done, I closed the book, turned off the light and went to sleep. I didn't stay awake, pondering the hidden meanings or outcome of the book. Why? Because I found it to be the most underwhelming book I've ever read. My main thought after finishing it was "Meh."

I've avoided spoilers and leaks - I stayed away from message boards and anything even remotely considered to be speculation in regards to this book.

But everything I thought would happen in this book did happen. Everything I suspected after reading the previous volume came true. It's not that I can see the future, it's just that J.K lost the ability to put a twist in her books. She was so married to the characters that to have anything else happen would have been inconceivable.

Don't say that Dumbledore dying in Book Six was a twist - him passing on was the same as Obi-Wan taking a lightsaber to the chops in A New Hope. He was better as a mentor from beyond than as anything else .

Read it yourself and you'll see.

Maybe I got caught in the hype. Maybe I was expecting too much from what is, essentially, a kids book. But I think I was more impressed that the Little Engine made it up the side of the mountain than I was in the conclusion of this book.

My first thought was my best thought, and I'll say it again:



Saturday, August 11, 2007

Comfort & Joy.

True mark of Holidays:

I haven't worn more (or less) than my underwear all day.

There's been a t-shirt to go with it, so get those grubby images out of your mind. But with the weather and the indoor stuff to do, I haven't had to change out of the Official Uniform all day.

My productivity and comfort are both at 100%.

I'm sure I'll have to throw on clothes soon. I expect to go out tomorrow - errands and such- and you never know when a Poker game may spring up. (I'm sure the Sidekick would make me put pants on.) Besides, I couldn't go two days looking like a slob - it's just not me.

But it's nice to start off comfortable.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Forgotten Anniversary

Today is my 11th Wedding Anniversary.

The title is a bit misleading, as I did not forget it, nor did my wife. The thing that pisses me off is that everyone in my family forgot about it.

I don't want gifts or anything, but some acknowledgment would be nice. It happens almost every year - you think they would either remember or I would give up hoping. My Wife's family remembers, but mine? A.W.O.L.

I've seen most of my family (or spoke to them) within the last week. They know it's today. It's easy to remember. It's also my Aunt's Birthday (she got a call), and two days before The Twins anniversary. (You would think that he would at least recall the day.)

I'll get a lot of after-the-fact calls and "Sorry!" apologies. But it's really starting to piss me off. I'm almost in the mood to reciprocate in kind, but that is a bit beneath me. I take the high road in situations like this.

That, and bitch about it on the Internet.





I might even get a tan!
(Okay - let's not kid ourselves.)

I'm hoping to do a whole lot of nothing.

Poker, anyone?


Thursday, August 09, 2007

F%#k You, Telus.

I've just spent the last 25 minutes fucking around with my Internet connection.

Just so I don't sound too bitter, I'll state now that I haven't really had any problems with it. (Until now.) But this was really pissing me off.

I think one of the issues is that I know a little bit about computers. If I was computer illiterate, I'd speak into the mouse and ask it what's going on. Since that is not the case, it's here that I run into a roadblock.

Telus installs a program on your computer called E-Care. If there is a problem, then the program is supposed to jump up and fix it. (Sounds too good to be true, right?) But it was getting in the way anytime I tried to do anything to solve what I thought was the problem. (I had no problem manually releasing and renewing my IP address, but E-Care kept hanging on that particular step.) Once I got it out of the way, then everything was fine.

But it drove me crazy in the process.

I just had to rant and get it off my chest. Next time, I'm shoving a pencil through the modem.


Wednesday, August 08, 2007


It's a momentous day, folks.
720 posts - hereby shattering all previous posting records.

But it's tainted.

You see, I've been using flaxseed oil steroids.

I saw people who were putting up more and better posts than I was and I got greedy. I didn't want to be overshadowed by these guys and I decided to follow them down the path towards fame and glory, no matter what it took.

Sure, you say - Blogger doesn't test for steroids- they didn't even say it was illegal to post with them until just a while ago, and then testing has been spotty at best. But I thought it would be good to come clean. I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday, after all.

It's hard to say how much the chemicals actually helped me post. I was already prolific and successful before I started taking them - it's not like the talent wasn't already there. I think they just enhanced my stamina and consistency - I would have reached this milestone eventually without any help - I'm almost sure of it.

The people I want to apologize to the most is you, the fans. I know that you've believed in me, and that you've stood by me during all the hubbub. There are those of you who will find no fault in what I've done, just seeing it as making an already uneven field just a little more balanced. And I know others feel that I should be banished from the site that has treated me so well.

But we can't make what I accomplished go away. I shattered a record that stood the test of time - even the years when every poster was doing the juice. Unless you have me (and others) test after every post, you aren't going to be sure about the guy who breaks my record. The system is broken, and until you fix that, every record for every poster should be questioned.

An asterisk doesn't make what I've done go away, it just draws attention to itself on the page.
Put the information out there and let you, the fan, decide.


Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Lost My Mind.

I think it's a combination of many things that have cost me to lose my mind.

Fluorescent lighting, FM radio, Oxidents, Anti-Oxidents, Potassium Benzoate, The Province Newspaper, Televison Game Shows, The Deathly Hallows, Lack of Sleep, Too Much Sleep, Restless Sleep, Metric, Galactus, The Metric System, Direct Sunlight, Fuckerheads, Incandesant Bulbs, Huggies Diapers, Bluff, Colgate Toothpaste, Pop Rocks & Root Beer, The Inability to Levitate, San Pellegrino, $2 Glasses of Beer, Google, Jesus and His Amazing Friends, Starbucks, Dreaming I was Shipwreck from G.I. Joe, Dairy Products in General, Lack of Rock, Abundance of Carbohydrates, Steve McQueen, and The Fact that I Can't Really Think of Anything to Say.

Somehow this all combines to give me a headache.

Big N, Little Y, Big Fucking Q.


Monday, August 06, 2007

Ring of Fire.

Must have been Grannie's Baked Beans...

That's why I avoid 18% of my family- and anything they cook.


Sunday, August 05, 2007

Paper Trail.

I think I've found the first truly addictive game for the Wii.

Funny thing is, I've avoided playing it before this because I thought it would be shit. (I didn't even rent it, The Wife did, and now I'm hooked.)

When I first got the Wii it was new and shiny. But Wii Sports dies off pretty quick. Virtual Bowling is about as fun as real bowling, and I don't want to do that every day.

The cool thing about this game is the 2-D/ 3-D flip you can do. Things that look completely impossible in 2-D are simple maneuvers in 3-D. It really makes you have to think about each puzzle you have to solve. Keeps me interested enough, and that's all I ask.

There is only one thing that bugs me about this game. Talking and cutscenes. The story is hokey and strange, but it's all the explanation they try to give you that is maddening. I swear I sat there and pressed a button for 5 minutes just to get through the introduction. Guess what? Peach has been kidnapped! Isn't that the start of every fucking Mario game ever made? Why are we re-iterating this? Is it someone new to the series who's picking up the game? Probably not. (If it is, they're gonna wonder about the princess-saving-plumber shtick.)

But it is a fun game. And since I haven't finished it yet......

I gotta go.


Saturday, August 04, 2007

Hold the Mayo.

The Boy cracked me up today.

I was home for lunch and was enjoying a sandwich. The Boy had one as well, a special one that he had bugged his Mom to make for him. I was eating mine, and after a bit he was just poking at his food, as 4-year olds are wont to do.

This didn't please his Mom, who kept telling him to eat his food and not play with it. In my parental role, I backed her up on this call. He continued to poke at it and not really attempt to finish the sandwich. Mom stressed that she put a lot of time and effort into making the special sandwich for him and that it was rude not to eat it. She said that it would hurt her feelings if he didn't eat what she had made.

He immediately started to chow down on the sandwich - which was a good thing. He was also smiling at me and laughing while he did it. I quietly told him it was good that he was eating, but asked him why he was laughing.

"I'm pretending it's a different sandwich Daddy. A good one."

I just about choked from laughing so hard.

God that kid makes me laugh.


Friday, August 03, 2007

The Channels, They Are a Changin'

T.V. is so much different now than when I was a kid.

Forget HD, TiVo and 5000 channels. I'm talking about basic programs.

I was watching cartoons with The Boys this morning, and it turns out that nearly every show has some sort of message attached to it. Morally positive stuff like "Everyone is special" and "Sharing is caring." When did all this shit sneak onto the airwaves?

When I was a kid the only lessons we learned were from watching G.I. Joe:
  1. Don't put your infantry in front of your artillery.
  2. Don't fuck with Ninjas.
  3. Knowing is half the battle.
These are the things that will help you later on in life.

But the syrupy goodness that's out there right now sickens me. I think I became diabetic just watching these love-fests they call children's programming. I'll have to go retro and buy some classic DVD television series, just to show the current generation that Morning Cartoons are built on violence and toned-down mayhem.

Now where's that Thundercats DVD?


Thursday, August 02, 2007

HP EmphysemaJet 4205.

I quit smoking too soon.

A new study reveals that some laser printers in your office or work environment are as harmful to your lungs as cigarettes are.

Turns out that all the cigarettes I smoked in the office weren't as harmful to me as the Safety Notices I printed out on the computer. (Does anyone else sense the irony?)

At least smokes have a filter on them.

Can't wait for HP to introduce it's "Light" brand of printers. More flavor, less particulate matter. Soon there will be HP Slims - Printers for women, and then the government crackdown will come and you'll have to show your ID to by a printer, and take it into a well ventilated room just to print out your resume.

Soon printers will have labels with pictures of blackened lungs on them, and mothers will burst into tears when they find some toner in a pocket while doing their child's laundry.

"You've been printing again, haven't you?"
"No Mom, really!"
"Well I hope you're not using color!"

Using a typewriter will be the equivalent of "rolling your own."

I look up at my printer and I realize I have an Epson - I am a nerd.
All the cool kids are smoking HP's.


Wednesday, August 01, 2007


I encountered a lot of half-assed situations today.

It was my first day back at work after a couple of days off. I walk in and can already see some things in my section and other general stuff that I'm not going to like.

Now I don't want it to seem like I'm bitching. (Even though I am.) I really enjoy where I work and although it's not paradise, it's better than being a braider at a nose-hair festival.

But nothing irks me more than people who don't complete a task, or only give about 75% of the effort. I'd even be okay if they took a little longer to do the job, as long as it was done right.

I don't think anyone takes any real pride in their work anymore. I know you can't be super excited about everything you do, but isn't it better to do something thoroughly and not hear anything - or do it half assed and have someone like me bitch at you?
That doesn't make your work any more entertaining.

I wasn't nasty about it, but it is my job to tell people what they are doing wrong or how to do it better. In my supervisory capacity, that's pretty much the whole job description. Now wouldn't it be more fun if I got to tell you a witty joke or humorous observation - or would you rather we go over how you could fuck up something that only takes three steps?

I guess I'll file the jokes away for another time....