Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This One's For the Sidekick..

Although after seeing the results of today's game, I think these guys should have switched shirts.

Just kidding bud, maybe they'll come back.

You know if both of our teams bow out in the 2nd round, that means a tie in the DVD bet, right? (Maybe we'll both get DVD's)


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Auto Theft Most Grand.

I'm about 15 minutes away from playing Grand Theft Auto IV.

I'm not one of those people who rushed out and bought the game at 12:01 am last night. (I know three of the kids from work were going, and they did offer to get one for me.) I chose the safe route - I rented.

I know I'm going to like it, but I did want to give it a test run first. If it turns out to be harder and more involved than the last GTA, I'm going to wait to pick it up. I want to finish a couple of other things first before I devote more time to a video game. (All things being equal, I still have to guide my Colorado Avalanche to the cup in NHL 08 - it doesn't look like they are going to do it in real life.)

It should be fun though - I'm looking forward to wanton destruction on the mean streets of Liberty City. Jack some cars, bust some caps.... that's how I roll.


Monday, April 28, 2008

Pissing On My Childhood, Part 2

I get home from work tonight and scroll through the channels, looking for something to kill some time before bed, and I stumble across the most foul mash-up since Jay-Z met Linkin Park.

A Star Wars themed Deal or No Deal.

Thanks George, thanks NBC - you've pissed all over my childhood memories once again.

I don't care if there's 20-some models dressed up like slave-girl Leia - the fact that you've got some trailer-trash loser picking cases with Chewie and R2-D2 rooting him on just makes me sad.

You think George would have learned from the debacle that was The Star Wars Holiday Special.

I guess somethings never change, and 'ol Mr Lucas selling out for cash is one of them.


Sunday, April 27, 2008

Three Bottles

I know why I don't drink anymore.

The Sidekick and I split three bottles of wine last night at the retirement party we both attended.

He seemed to be holding his own. I however, was totally smashed.

I don't think I made a complete ass of myself, but I do tend to get rambunctious and talkative when I drink. I was told today that I was entertaining, but only to a point.

I really have trouble controlling my intake. You know that little voice inside that tells you that you've had too much to drink? Mine had laryngitis.

I think I'm done with the booze for a bit.

The Sidekick's birthday is coming up, so I'll have a gin or two then - but after that it's the wagon for me.

With my luck it'll be a delivery wagon, and it'll be stopping at the liquor store.


Friday, April 25, 2008


I'm having a crisis of the faith again.

We just got back from Naniamo, where I helped the In-laws pick out a new laptop, and I've realized 2 things:

  1. Any trip over 1 hour is made so much easier with in-car DVD. I put in Teen Titans and the Kids just quiet right down. (I do look back and check that they are blinking every once in a while.)

  2. God I want one of these things.

I'm typing on it right now. I said I'd do the initial setup on it, and couldn't resist surfing and blogging just a bit. The fact that I'm doing it from my couch is a bonus.

It's all I ever dreamed.

I know I could get something 3 times as powerful for half the price. I know that whatever I buy will be obsolete in 3 months. I know all of this, yet I still want one. I want to be unfettered.

(Imagine only having sex in one room of your house for the rest of your life. Shitty, right? Well it's almost the same thing.)

But it's all a moot point anyway. I don't have the cash for a new laptop. I don't even have the cash for a used one. So I will remain chained to my desk for the forseeable future.

But I yearn to be free. Do you hear me? I yearn.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Stop In The Name Of Love.

Everything stops when you have a sick kid.

Case in point - Today was to be my day to accomplish things. I was going to clean the garage, mow the backyard, do some errands downtown, and just get shit done. Everything was moving fine until The Boy started throwing up.

We were just about to leave to go out when all of a sudden he says he feels sick and starts to do the "huh-huh" sound. A quick dash for a bowl and it all comes out.

Right at that moment my whole day changed.

I didn't get the lawn mowed. I didn't touch the garage. The backyard? It's a jungle. My biggest challenge today was staying on the couch with The Boy and watching cartoons. He didn't want me to leave, and hey - someone had to hold the bowl, right?

I can get all that other stuff done tomorrow.

(In case you're wondering - he feels much better now.)


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cinematic Overload.

I should keep my mouth shut.

I bitch a lot about how Hollywood has run out of ideas, and that there is never anything coming out that I want to see. Now there's a deluge of movies coming my way, and I'll be scrambling just to keep up with them.

First there's the obvious ones:
  • Iron Man - Hello? Comic Book Movie? I'm all over it.
  • The Incredible Hulk - Read previous statement.
  • Indiana Jones - Is there anyone under the age of 40 who isn't going to see this?
  • The Dark Knight - See statement re: Iron Man.
  • Hellboy 2 - I loved the first one, (Much to the Sidekick's dismay) so this is a must see.
  • Hancock - There's just something about this movie that makes me want to watch it.

Those are the ones that I'm guaranteed to be at the theater for. If I have any glaring omissions, forgive me - I'm writing the list off the top of my head. (A real nerd would have that shit marked on a calender.)

And then there are the others - some are what you'd expext, others...not so much.
  • Speed Racer - Reliving my childhood. Maybe I should get stoned and see this... Cool Beans indeed.
  • Kung Fu Panda - I know the kids are going to drag me to see this, but the truth is I want to see it.
  • Get Smart - See my statement about Indiana Jones.
  • Wall-E - Of course I want to see this. It's Pixar.
  • The Love Guru - The same old Mike Myers shit, but hey - I 'll laugh. (Mainly about the fact of the Leafs being in the Cup Finals.)
  • Tropic of Thunder - This one looks fucking hilarious - and I don't say that often about Ben Stiller movies.
  • Step Brothers - Can't talk - laughing too hard.
So that's thirteen movies in as many weeks. If I include popcorn and such, I'll have to take out a loan just to see all the movies I want to. There's probably about 5 or 6 movies I forgot about as well, so that will be even more.

Yes, Hollywood - I bitched about you before, and now you're going to take all my money.

I was right - I should have kept my mouth shut.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Comic Shops & Rock Stardom.

God I love Victoria.

We just got back from the Big City and everything went great. The Twin is fine, the kids are great, and best of all - I got to hit the Comic Book Store.

I went a tad crazy - but what guy wouldn't when he's walking around with a built in 30% discount off the American cover price? I picked up 4 graphic novels and would have gone for more, but reason (and my Wife) stepped in.

It was great though - I could die happy in there. (I'm such a nerd.)

I went one step further with the Nerdiness, though.

You see, the Twin has Rock Band for his XBox 360.

In the evening, when the kids were tucked in their beds, we would go down to the basement and I would unleash my inner Rock God.

I'll tell you right now, that game is harder than it looks. I played bass to start, but tried the drums and guitar. I even rocked out on the microphone. (I didn't sing "Learning to Fly" as good as Dave, but it was close.) My skills aren't legendary - yet - but in time they will come. I didn't rush out and buy it, but my birthday is coming up, and if I don't get Rock Band, I'm at least expecting Guitar Hero.

Lets see.... Comic Shops,.... Video Games,.... If I would have fixed a computer I could have completed the Nerd Trifecta. (Alas, the Twin has a Mac, and has had no problems with it.)

As much as I love The City it's good to be home. We run at a breakneck speed down there trying to get everything accomplished in the two days we have, so finally being able to relax is great.

(And getting back on a regular blog schedule is nice too - I can tell you all missed me.)

Viva Holidays!


Saturday, April 19, 2008

Leave Them Laughing.

I'm going to Victoria tomorrow - family trip to see The Twin.

I thought I'd leave you with something to chuckle at before I go.



Friday, April 18, 2008

Scaling Back.

Today was the last official weigh-in for The Biggest Loser contest at my gym.

There's quite a few people who have to get measured, so we won't know the official results until later next week. (Friday) Most people I saw figured I'd be the winner, but I suspect my competition was right behind me.

I do know a couple of things, though:
  • I lost 41.5 pounds - from 220 to 178.5. That's 19% weight loss right there.
  • My waist shrunk almost 10 inches. (9.75 to be exact.)
  • My BMI went from 30.2 to 24.2
  • I used to run about 1.5 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill - just yesterday I ran 5K (3.1 miles) in 25:25.
  • I increased my muscle mass on my chest and arms by 1.5 inches.
I think I did pretty good. I'll know more (body fat %) later, but it's nice to see the changes. (Not that I can't see them when I look into the mirror.)

After my holidays I'm going to get back up on the horse and start on my new goals. I figure I'll just run outside this week, and then hit the gym once the awards are done. Some of the new goals:
  • Hit 170 pounds. This is mostly to get rid of the love handles and show some more definition. It'll be harder than the previous weight loss because I'll be putting on more muscle while losing fat.
  • Chin ups/Pull ups. I want to be able to bust out at least 10-12 with my own bodyweight.
  • Keep improving on my 5K time. I'd even like to try a race this summer. Getting 23:00 or below would be great.
  • Get The Sidekick to the gym. He says he wants to go, and I'll work him into the schedule as much as possible. I was even looking at training plans today.
I figure those are good ones to start with. I'll reassess in about a month and see where I'm at.

I'll tell you all how I did in the contest when I know. Like I said before - I don't care if I win, I just want free membership and any other benefits I can get . (The odd tanning session might help my pasty white skin.)


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dinner & A Movie.

I would rather be on the front lines of some war than have to pick out dinner & a movie. (Not really, but you get my point.)

For two or more people to try and come to a consensus on those two topics is nearly impossible. An easier task would be to convince Charles Darwin the validity of Creationism.

It doesn't matter what the food is - somebody's tired of it, or doesn't like it. And movies? It's almost worse. Picking a theater and a show to see is almost as frustrating.

Renting and take-out are just as bad. There are at least three people I refuse to walk into a rental place with - they've seen everything. As for take-out or delivery, where to go still rears it's ugly head, and if not, who delivers?

With my dietary changes, you'd think I'd be ready to go for eating out on a splurge night - but the truth is, I can't think of where I want to go.

Somebody order for me, and put me out of my misery.


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Mah Twounge Hwurths.

Seriously, it does.

I was in a hurry this morning, and as such did not give my tea sufficient time to cool down before I took my first sip of the day. (For those of you guffawing about me drinking tea, you can just fuck off.)

The initial scalding feeling wasn't that bad. What's annoying me is that irritating feeling right on the tip of my tongue. It's affected the taste and texture of everything I've eaten today. It's hard enough to enjoy as salad as it is without your taste buds refusing to acknowledge anything other than their own discomfort. I might as well be eating pudding for all my tongue can tell. (Mmmm....pudding.)

I'll persevere, though. I'll tough it out.

Maybe I'll go over to my sister's for dinner. Not being able to taste anything might work out to my benefit after all. (Ohh - ice burn!)


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Kirk Had The Coolest Chair...

Captain Kirk had a bitchin' chair.

I mean, c'mon - look at it. It has everything. Leather, wood, remote controls, built in phone, it swivels, and is parked in front of a big-ass T.V.

(I'm not sure about the stain on the floor, but I think that's love juice from some alien chick he was puttin' the moves on.)

I wish I had a chair like that.

My chair sucks compared to that one. Hell, I don't even have any interesting stains like that one does. (Contrary to popular belief, you sickos.)

I wonder if The Wife would notice if I got rid of the loveseat and had that instead.... It's worth a try, right?


Monday, April 14, 2008

Lost & Found.

Remember that video I was talking about, the one that never got posted?

YouTube sent me a message and told me why it didn't show up.

They said it was a "Bad Request." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What was bad about it? Couldn't YouTube handle what I was trying to convey?

Like I said before, I think they're scared of me. Maybe even jealous.

I think I'll take The Sidekick's advice and embed my videos from now on. That way "The Man" can't interfere with my message. Gots to get the word out there, right?

(Who am I kidding - I'm a middle-aged white guy. I am The Man - whether I like it or not.)


Sunday, April 13, 2008


Poker Night again.

It'll be the last one for a bit, what with my wonky schedule and holidays coming up. I think The Sidekick will go into meltdown if we have to wait too long, but he'll be okay.

I did well at my neighbor's the other night, and I did rally from behind last week, so I'm hoping I can finish out strong. (But it's Poker, so you never know.)

Wish me luck.

(Worse case scenario: I go down to The Twin's place next week and try to get them hooked. It's worth a try, isn't it?)


Saturday, April 12, 2008

Number One.

While I was closing up at work tonight, I was talking to some of my late-shift staff.

We were talking about working evenings, and the topic got around to who was the preferred manager to work late with. There's a lot of fun guys at work, so I figured the competition would be pretty steep.

I was told by not one, not two, but four employees that I was the best guy to work nights with. You're looking at Number One, right here. (Hey, out of six who were working, that's pretty good.)

Maybe it's because I'm laid back, yet I get things done. Maybe it's my witty sense of humor, and the positive outlook I bring to the job. Maybe it's my ability to relate to the people I work with, regardless of our age differences. Maybe it's the Tequila Body Shots we've all been doing.

(Strike that last one, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)

"But wait!", you say "Not everyone picked you". The other two? They chose the guy who doesn't make them do any work. How can you compete with that? The only way to top that would be to start handing out money and liquor. (I'm keeping all of that for myself.)

I know it's just an ego stroke and doesn't mean anything, but to know that you can do your job and not have to be an ass to the people around you is pretty rewarding. The confirmation is quite a nice thing to have.

But don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. What am I going to do, brag about it on the Internet or something?

Oh, wait.....


Friday, April 11, 2008

Mission Accomplished.

I did it.

With one week left to go in the contest, I hit my goal weight.

Since January 22nd, I've lost 40 pounds.

If I were to post a picture, and you were to see it, I'm a svelte 180 pounds. By any BMI calculator, I'm no longer classified as "Overweight." I feel great, I look damn good, and I'm setting new goals to reach. I don't even care if I win the contest anymore.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I don't want to win it all, (But I'll take it if I do win) I just want to win any extension on my membership. I'd like to continue to have the convenience of a gym right across the street from where I work. (And having it for free is the biggest bonus.) I just need it for strength training - I can do the cardio aspect outside now that it's warmer. (I'd even run in the rain if I had to. In fact, I'd welcome it.)

Once we're all said and done with the contest and I'm back from holidays, I'd like to re-establish my goals. A bit more weight loss, and most of the other ones have to do with 5 or 10k times and strength training stuff (pull-ups, etc.)

It'll be great to start the next chapter of this aspect of my life.

Yay me!


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Uncomfortable Reading.

As my Weight-Loss contest is ending soon, I'm looking for new routines and workouts to try after it's all over. (Variety is the spice of life, right?) To that extent, I've been reviewing some of the fitness magazines we have at work - they seem to be full of information and tips.

Some of them, well - lets just say I'm not sure of which audience or demographic they are catering to.

I usually read Men's Health. It's got a little bit of everything, and seems to be the standard. I think (thought) that most of the other magazines would be like that as well.

I was wrong.

Take the magazine to your right -> Sure, it's got a ripped guy with his shirt off on the cover, but it is a fitness magazine, so why not?
But then you look inside.

Inside it gets a little weird right away. All of the guys in the magazine: the ads, the exercise instructions, the articles, even the guy writing editorials are all shirtless, buff, and wearing those ball-hugger boy shorts. It looks more like I'm flipping through a gay man's stroke catalog than an workout magazine.

I was prepared to chalk it up to a publisher who thought he could maybe get some gay fitness customers as well as regular readers, but then I flipped to the back page. The back page had a cowboy type guy in a horse trough, having a bubble bath.

That's just a bit much - even for me.

They say that becoming healthy is a lifestyle change. I thought they meant diet and routine - not sexuality. If that's what it's going to take, I'll live with a bit of a paunch and just tell people it's the gas tank for my sex machine. My hetro sex machine.

I'll stick with the Men's Health - all the guys are fully clothed, and I don't feel funny when it says I should "feel the burn in my Glutes."

Oh, by the way - I never looked anyone in the eye when I put that magazine back, either. I would hate to look at the guy next to me at the rack and have him give me a knowing wink. (Ewwww)


Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Where It Counts.

Since I started this blog in 2005 there have been almost 12,000 people who, at one time or another, read the words "Midlife Rambler" on their monitor.

While that's not YouTube-type numbers, I'm pretty impressed. It's even okay if you take out the six to twelve repeat visitors I have. (If I didn't have you guys, my numbers would be anywhere near as interesting.) And if you consider I've been screwed over by Blogs of Note, it's more than acceptable.

So - 12,000 visits, 942 posts.... that's almost 13 of you reading each post. Since I know that you can't possibly read every post, (I'll admit, some of them are kinda shitty) I'm willing to cut you some slack.

I could whore myself out for new readers, but is it really worth compromising my morals? (Quit laughing - I have morals.) What's the point? It's not like I'm getting paid for this. If I could make money off bitching and irreverent thoughts, it'd be a dream come true.

Whatever it is I'm trying to say, it all boils down to this: Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. Thanks for not ratting me out to the Feds.

Tell your friends, I'm here all week.
(Like a lousy lounge act.)


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

16 Wins...

It all starts tomorrow.

The 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs begin, and I'm much more excited about it than I was 365 days ago.


My team's in it this year.

See, last year the Avs missed making the playoffs by one point. I still enjoyed watching them, but my heart really wasn't in it. I was even forced to cheer for the Canucks during the playoffs last year. (Thank God that didn't last past the second round.)

I'd really like to see an Avalanche - Canadiens final.

The Sidekick and I would have some good wagering on that. (Yes, he's a Habs fan and yet I still hang out with him.) We'd wager in the only currancy that matters: DVDs.

I can't wait.


Monday, April 07, 2008

Old Men Smell Like Pee...

And 19 other things I've learned from the Grocery Business.

  1. Nutrition Labels are the equivalent of modern-day Hieroglyphics. Some people claim they know how to read them, but they are just as clueless as the rest of us.

  2. Sodium is to Food as Nitrogen is to the Atmosphere. That shit's everywhere.

  3. It doesn't matter when you close or when you open, it's either not late enough or not early enough - take your pick.

  4. The phrase "The Customer's always right" should be stricken from the public record. The Customer barely knows what they are talking about, and given free reign, would surely hurt themselves.

  5. Just when you think you've got a job any idiot can do, you meet some of the fellows I work with.

  6. Asparagus makes your pee smell awesome.

  7. Repeated entrance and exit from the Main Freezer will make you have to pee. (Repeated snacking in the Produce cooler leads you to the previous statement.)

  8. Cashiers know every aspect of the lives of Hollywood stars. They have to stare at those fucking magazines all day long.

  9. Old women want two things from any Grocery store - Food & someone to talk to. Whether or not that talk is social or just bitching depends on the old woman.

  10. Bread Drivers are the lowest rung on the delivery-truck ladder. Don't ask me why - they just are. If I die and come back as a lower form of life, it'll be as a Bread Driver. (Bad Karma, I guess.)

  11. There's a wonderful symmetry to a wall of 12-pk cases of Coca-Cola. (Wait, no there isn't. I've been working here too long.)

  12. The closer a child is to it's mother, and the more insignificant the item said child wants - the louder the child will scream.

  13. ..And the more the mother will ignore it.

  14. The more I see the lady who makes it, the less I want the potato salad from the Deli.

  15. We all have one thing in common. It's not the belief in a higher power, or a common gene. It's that everyone, no matter who, wipes thier ass. Trust me, we have a whole aisle dedicated to toilet paper. It's a fact.

  16. If you want to piss off an employee in a Grocery Store, push in all the cans on the bottom shelf of the canned food aisle. Just nudge them with your foot. They are such a pain in the ass to straighten up that they'll be cursing you for hours.

  17. Eggos are now approximately the size of a loonie, and the price has gone nowhere but up. I figure at this rate you'll ask me for a box of Eggos, I'll punch you in the face, you'll say thank you and hand me $35.

  18. Security cameras that always look down are great for cleavage shots, but horrible to review your breakdancing moves on.

  19. There are people who pay with cash, and people who pay with debit. Those who want to combine the two in any way, shape, or form should be taken out to the loading bay and beaten with a Dairy Hook.


Sunday, April 06, 2008

Liquor Up Front, Poker In The Rear.

It's Poker Night again.

I'm really hoping to do better than I did last time.

It's not that I did bad - I don't regret any of the calls I made, and was beat out by better hands. Since then, I've done really well wherever I've played, (online or in real life) so I hope it carries over. I just have to get a run going again at this game, and maybe change up my style a bit.

Wish me luck.

And wishing me Aces would help, too.


Saturday, April 05, 2008

Hard Day's Night.

It's not going to be a pleasant weekend.

We're doing some spring cleaning at work, and it's a bit of a bitch. Tonight I had to dismantle and remove a bunch of (really heavy) stuff, and when I go back in the morning, I get the joy of putting it all back. (It's either Janitors or Leprechauns doing the cleaning, I forget which.)

Yay Me!

It's not a totally bad thing. The main complaint about tomorrow is that it's going to add to my already busy day. I can see myself skipping my coffee break, that's for sure.

I'll suck it up though, 'cause that's the type of guy I am.

And then I'll come here and bitch.

Isn't this arrangement wonderful?


Friday, April 04, 2008

Training Tools.

There's just over two weeks left in the weight-loss competition I'm in, and I've got a bit of a problem: I've hit a plateau. (And I'm not talking about a geological formation.)

I've gone from losing 4-6 pounds a week to only losing 1.5 to 2. Any progress is good progress, but to make sure I win this thing I'd like to ramp it up over the next couple of weeks.

I could tighten up on the diet a bit more, and maybe increase my intensity when doing weights - but I think I've stumbled upon the perfect way to get the results I want in the shortest amount of time: a montage.

If it worked for Gary, It'll work for me.


(And in case you are wondering - no, The Sidekick is not my real-life Spottswoode.)

Thursday, April 03, 2008


Remember yesterday, when I said I couldn't wait to get back to work?

Somebody slap me for saying that.

When I walked into my section today, I was astonished. It looked horrible . I liken it to the picture to your right. (Although I may be exaggerating a bit.) It took me about 3 hours just to get everything back to the way I like it.

Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe I should relax my standards just a bit. Maybe I should take my pen and stab it through the eye of the fucker who let it get this way. (I'm inclined to go with the third option.)

I'll take my frustrations out on the individual when I see them in a couple of days. I'll have cooled down by then, so I don't think we'll need a Doctor on standby. (Maybe just some gauze.)

Tomorrow all will be right with the world - and I can pretend it's my first day back.

Won't it be wonderful?


Wednesday, April 02, 2008


One of The Boys isn't feeling well.

It sucks, but what can you do?

He's taking it well enough, and his brother doesn't care where he is, (as long as he can demolish and build stuff, he's happy.) but it makes the day drag on when you are stuck in the house.

I've cleaned, started prepping for dinner, done laundry, and even watched more Transformer cartoons in one sitting than I thought possible.

And it sucks.

I'm looking forward to going back to work - just to get out of the house.


Tuesday, April 01, 2008


I don't scare easily.

But when I sit down to play some Poker while The Boys are napping, and I feel a touch on my neck - it creeps me out.

When I go to scratch it, and it turns out to be a spider - I scream like a little girl.

It could have been a radioactive spider, bent on giving me powers to fight crime with, but it didn't matter. I swatted that bastard to the floor and put the boot to it. (The fact that I had to run and get a boot makes me even less of a man.)

Fuck this shit - I'm going outside.
At least they can't sneak up on me out there.