Monday, April 07, 2008

Old Men Smell Like Pee...

And 19 other things I've learned from the Grocery Business.

  1. Nutrition Labels are the equivalent of modern-day Hieroglyphics. Some people claim they know how to read them, but they are just as clueless as the rest of us.

  2. Sodium is to Food as Nitrogen is to the Atmosphere. That shit's everywhere.

  3. It doesn't matter when you close or when you open, it's either not late enough or not early enough - take your pick.

  4. The phrase "The Customer's always right" should be stricken from the public record. The Customer barely knows what they are talking about, and given free reign, would surely hurt themselves.

  5. Just when you think you've got a job any idiot can do, you meet some of the fellows I work with.

  6. Asparagus makes your pee smell awesome.

  7. Repeated entrance and exit from the Main Freezer will make you have to pee. (Repeated snacking in the Produce cooler leads you to the previous statement.)

  8. Cashiers know every aspect of the lives of Hollywood stars. They have to stare at those fucking magazines all day long.

  9. Old women want two things from any Grocery store - Food & someone to talk to. Whether or not that talk is social or just bitching depends on the old woman.

  10. Bread Drivers are the lowest rung on the delivery-truck ladder. Don't ask me why - they just are. If I die and come back as a lower form of life, it'll be as a Bread Driver. (Bad Karma, I guess.)

  11. There's a wonderful symmetry to a wall of 12-pk cases of Coca-Cola. (Wait, no there isn't. I've been working here too long.)

  12. The closer a child is to it's mother, and the more insignificant the item said child wants - the louder the child will scream.

  13. ..And the more the mother will ignore it.

  14. The more I see the lady who makes it, the less I want the potato salad from the Deli.

  15. We all have one thing in common. It's not the belief in a higher power, or a common gene. It's that everyone, no matter who, wipes thier ass. Trust me, we have a whole aisle dedicated to toilet paper. It's a fact.

  16. If you want to piss off an employee in a Grocery Store, push in all the cans on the bottom shelf of the canned food aisle. Just nudge them with your foot. They are such a pain in the ass to straighten up that they'll be cursing you for hours.

  17. Eggos are now approximately the size of a loonie, and the price has gone nowhere but up. I figure at this rate you'll ask me for a box of Eggos, I'll punch you in the face, you'll say thank you and hand me $35.

  18. Security cameras that always look down are great for cleavage shots, but horrible to review your breakdancing moves on.

  19. There are people who pay with cash, and people who pay with debit. Those who want to combine the two in any way, shape, or form should be taken out to the loading bay and beaten with a Dairy Hook.


1 comment:

  1. I need a training video of #16.

    And 'Dairy Hook'? McAwesome. Drink hot water in the freezer if you're there long.