Monday, April 30, 2007

Safe at Home.

Where do you start your Internet Day?

My Homepage is

I like it because it's clean and blank. Having my browser open to Google is like stepping out the door on a sunny day - you can go anywhere you want.
(I should say now that I don't work for Google - heck, I'm not even running AdSense on my blog.)

I've worked on people's computers who use Yahoo or Msn as their homepage. It's just too much crap all crammed into one space. There are 15 different items trying to vie for your attentions. Not my cup of tea when I'm just looking to get my news in the morning. (Yeah, you guessed it -

Where does everyone else start?
What site do you like to see when your pull out onto the Information Superhighway?

I've shown you mine - you show me yours.


Sunday, April 29, 2007

Five Things.

  1. I will never understand how people can like Applesauce. It just seems wrong to me.
  2. Having Trip Aces sucked out by a weak flush on the River is like stomping on my testicles while ripping out my heart. (Who stays in with 6-8 suited?)
  3. It's been a long time since I read a Really Good Book. (I'm dyin' here!) I know there's nothing you can do about it, I just wanted to share.
  4. It seems to me that every time I turn around, I see Ben Stiller. It's only in movies, but somehow I feel he is stalking me.
  5. If you can't think of anything witty or funny to say - come up with a list. (It works for David Letterman, right? Is he still relevant?)


Song on My Mind - "Nothingman" By Pearl Jam.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


My eyes are burning and my brain is mush.

There are no coherent thoughts tonight, boys and girls...

Sleep Well, my vast readership.

Sleep Well.


Friday, April 27, 2007


So today as part of my exercise routine, I did some lunges.

Now, it's been a long time since I last did lunges. I figured I'd bust out a couple of sets, no big deal. Good for the body and soul, right?

Oh My God.
The pain.

It wasn't bad while I was doing them, but shortly afterwards my Hamstrings said "Fuck You" to the rest of my body and went on revolt. They refused to co-operate and spent the rest of the day shooting twinges of pain down my legs to remind me how mad they were.

I now bow to the Hamstring Gods and beg their forgiveness.
I shall soak them in hot water and rub them vigorously to pleasure them.
Just please let me walk again.

(I'll show them, next time I'll do three sets.
(Break out the wheelchair.)


Thursday, April 26, 2007

"I'd Buy That For A Dollar!"

I can't believe the absolute shit that people will buy because it's cheap.

While Boy#1 was in Preschool today, Boy#2 and I went browsing around town.

The old mall has been taken over and is in the midst of being re-vamped with a brand new look. There's been some new stores opening in there, and I thought we'd take a gander at what's going on. (I don't go downtown that often anymore, so most of the shops in there are new to me.)

While we were checking out the area, I heard someone comment that the "Dollarama" is open at the other end of the mall. I still had an hour to kill, so I thought that Boy #2 and I would check it out. I might get him a new toy for a couple of bucks.

I walked into madness.

The place was jammed, and there were people with carts full of stuff. We walked around for a bit, just checking out the merchandise, and what I saw didn't leave me impressed.

It's all low-end, throw-away stuff. Not bad if you want to buy cards or wrapping paper, light bulbs and such. But there is food there. Canned items, (most of it either discontinued or outdated) and people were snatching it up like mad.

Some of the other items like kitchenware and stuff looked good until you actually held onto it. Why by a shitty spatula 3 times for a dollar each when you can buy one that will last longer for about 4 bucks? I just don't see the logic.

It was the cartfulls of stuff that amazed me. I couldn't find one item that impressed me, (granted I wasn't looking very hard) and there were people with buggies filled to the brim.

The funny thing was that in talking to the staff at other stores in the mall, they said it's been busier for them since the Dollarama opened. (I guess saving that 3 dollars goes towards buying the latest Jeff Foxworthy DVD.)

To each their own, I guess.

Can anybody spare a Dollar?
I think I saw a Velvet Elvis Picture in there.... right next to the cinder block car jacks.


Song on My Mind - "Cigarette" By Jeremy Fisher.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Change Is Good..

I'm in the mood to change the look of my blog again.

I'm having trouble finding anything that interests me, and I don't have the talent to create it myself. I'm sure I could muscle it through, but I'd like it to look good and not like it was done my a chimp pounding on a keyboard.

If anyone knows of some good template sites, let me know.
I really don't like the standard blogger ones. I'm looking for something clean and functional, but with some colour.

Help me, Internet - you're my only hope.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007


So we've found Kryptonite.

But it's White, not Green. (Wasn't White Kryptonite the one that killed plants? If so, we've found the shittiest version of Kryptonite available.)

Makes me wonder what other mythological elements we might stubble across. I'm hoping for Adamantium, Uru and the Female Orgasm. (What? They're all fake, right?)

So it seems that all those times I got in shit for reading comics I was just doing mineral research. Mom's going to owe me a big fucking apology.

I'm going to go read up on Vibranium now.
(The Savage Land variety, because then I can look at Shana the She-Devil. Rawr.)


Monday, April 23, 2007

Back to Normal.

When I got home from work tonight, there was a coffee waiting for me.

I was both elated and disappointed.

Elated that there was a coffee waiting for me (it was a shitty night) and disappointed that it was in a regular cup.
Roll Up the Rim is gone.

To be honest, I'm relieved. I'm not happy that I didn't win a Big Screen T.V, but it'll be nice to drink a coffee purely for the sake of enjoying the coffee. No bitter feelings when I see the phrase "Please Play Again." No compulsion to have that 4th Xtra Large coffee " because I'm due."

So I'm glad the madness is over, for at least another year.

But one day, my precious, one day....


Song on My Mind - "Learn to Fly" By the Foo Fighters.

Let Me Sleep.

All I want is 10 more minutes.

Can't I just get 10 more minutes?

Why is it so important that I get up now?

My bed is warm, the house is cold, and I'm tired.

I swear, I'll be a much more pleasant person 10 minutes from now.

Is it a deal?

Can I go back to sleep?


Well, I'm up.


Sunday, April 22, 2007

P.C. 101.

B.C. Ferries is changing the propeller symbols on it's new boats.

People called and complained that the symbols looked like swastikas. (The funny thing is the ships are manufactured in Germany.)

Now I've seen clouds that looked like swastikas, but you don't see me accusing God of being a Nazi.

If people just stopped and thought for a moment before getting all bent out of shape, stupid mistake like this wouldn't happen. If you think a company would blatantly put Nazi symbols on the vessels they use to serve the public, then you obviously have been huffing too many fumes.
It's a boat - it's obviously a propeller. If it was carved into the foreheads of the workers, then you may say it could be something else.

If my car had a smudge of tar on the front bumper, would you accuse me of pretending to be Hitler?

Get a life.


Saturday, April 21, 2007


Short post tonight.


I'm going to watch an Uma Thurman movie.

Which one?

It doesn't matter.
From Kill Bill to Gattaca, Henry & June to The Avengers, I could watch practically anything she's in. I could gaze all day long at her image on screen.

Reminds me of a joke pickup line I heard tonight:

"Your eyes are like crescent wrenches - whenever I look into them, my nuts tighten."


Friday, April 20, 2007

Cold Feet.

Around the house I prefer to wear boxers and a T-shirt.

Any time of year this is probably the most comfortable balance of clothing I can wear. (Yes, naked would be more comfortable, but not for anyone who came to the door.)

The only problem is my feet.

As soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning, they freeze.

Slippers, you say?

Good God, not slippers. I said my feet were cold, not that I was a homosexual.
I make do with throwing on a pair of low cut socks. I can't wear the knee-highs 'cause I am neither a 1970's NBA Star nor a Catholic Schoolgirl. The socks will do for now.

When I win my millions, I'm going to have heated floors.
I'll be selfish though - the floors will only be heated where I am.

Everyone else can wear skates.


Thursday, April 19, 2007


Have you ever just woken up pissed off?

That's me today.

Grumpy, cranky, and out of sorts.

I'm going to be a regular ball of sunshine to be around.

(I bet you all envy my co-workers now, eh?)

I'm sure that something at work will make me laugh.

Or else I just start poking people randomly with a plastic fork.


Song on My Mind - "Don't Fuck With Me" By Love/Hate.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Six Hundred.


600 Posts.

That's a lot of shit I'm spreading around.
(And I'm doing it without steroids, Barry.)

Thanks for listening everyone.

My Random Thoughts and Musings aren't as well written as Thoreau's Walden, but a damn sight more entertaining, am I right?

(I only picked Thoreau 'cause I think he sucks.)


Song On My Mind - "Lazy Eye" By Silversun Pickups.
Reading - "Uncle John's World of Odd" By The Bathroom Readers Institute.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Like everyone else, I just want to offer my condolences to all those who have been affected by the Killings at Virginia Tech.

I have a real problem understanding events such as this. It completely baffles me how any single person can start themselves on the path where the only solution to their problems (or perceived problems) is the killing of others.

I could go on, but I don't think that bitching about gun culture and such is the way to go. It is a sad day and I'm sure every parent who has a son or daughter at any University can empathize with what the families of the victims are going through.

Hopefully they are in a better place now.


Sunday, April 15, 2007


My Twin and his family are coming up for the next couple of days.

I may not be posting regularly due to work and visitors.

Oh, but the stories you'll hear...


Saturday, April 14, 2007

New Pillow.

There is a new pillow on my bed.

It's right over there - just waiting to be tried out.

I'm not sure if I'm going to like it or not.

I have a love/hate relationship with pillows. I find that periodically throughout the night I'll wake up and find that I have either a) thrown the pillows across the room, or b) somehow have them under my feet. (Explain that one.) I'm not sure if it's because I'm restless or fighting demons in my dreams - but the pillows seem to take the brunt of it.

The only pillows I seem to take care of are pillows on hotel beds. I'm not sure why, but I never seem to chuck them around. I guess the ol' subconscious doesn't like to fuck around with other people's property.

But that pillow's calling my name.
It's a taunting, mocking sound.
I'm gonna beat that fucker down.


Friday, April 13, 2007

In My Bathroom...

  • I never leave unscathed. I either cut myself shaving, or stub my toe on the scale. One of these days I'm sure I'll be in a horrendous accident.
  • I never use the other towel. That one's off limits. (Next April Fools Day I'm dipping a corner of it in the toilet water.)
  • I'm the only one who throws out empty shampoo bottles. Ever since I heard the song "At a Medium Pace" I don't want them laying around.
  • The one thing that drives me crazy is seeing a toothpaste tube that's squeezed in the middle. Bottom to top, people! That's how it's made to come out!
  • I sometimes sing. But not as well as this guy.
  • I sometimes fake it. I just go in and read for a minute - to enjoy the solitude.... and the awesome new air freshener. (Mmm - Vanilla.)


Thursday, April 12, 2007

Act of Faith.

What do you believe?

My philosophical beliefs are not set in stone. Do I believe in a higher power? Sometimes. Do I believe in fate and Karma? Sometimes. (Karma when I'm playing Poker.)

Faith is a crap-shoot. Roll the dice and see what you get. Is there a right or wrong? Nobody knows. I'd hate to see the end of the world come rolling along only to find out that The Hare Krishna's were the One True Religion. I don't want my last thoughts to be "I should have spent more time at the Airport."

I've read books, I've watched films. Very few of these ever dealt with religion. (Why did I type it then?) I think that whatever you decide for yourself is the way to go. But try to cover all your bases. It's all well and good to be a practicing Taoist, but who says you can't also go to Mass on Sundays? Religion is similar to a playoff pool. Hedge your bets and you'll be in for the long run.

The Atheists? They aren't even watching the game.

I'm going to try for the Trifecta - Christianity, Practicing Muslim, and Radical Cult Member.
(Does Tim Horton's have a cult?)

Come Armageddon - I'll be going somewhere.


Song on My Mind - "Battle of Who Could Care Less" By Ben Folds Five.
Reading - "The Bathroom reader Book of Odd" By Uncle John.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Not At My Post.

Ignore the time of this post.

It's a lie.

It's not 11:59 pm. It's way beyond that.

With watching the Hockey game and playing Poker, time just ran away from me. I missed posting for a complete day. (Shock & Awe.)

I'll try harder next time.

(At least I won some money at Poker, that is some relief.)

Back on track tomorrow.


Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Doesn't anyone just listen anymore?

Nobody seems to appreciate silence of any kind.

I'm not one for long meditative pauses, but too much verbal diarrhea is just sickening. (Almost as much as the regular diarrhea I would imagine.) And there is one person in particular who is driving me nuts.

I'll call her Mrs. X. - I've spoken of her before, I think, and it wasn't favorable that time either.

Mrs. X. is the type of coworker who has to say something to you every time you pass by her at work. It doesn't matter if you crossed paths 5 minutes or 2 hours ago - she has to say something. Whether it's a comment about the weather or a random observation, ("Back so soon?") Mrs. X is compelled to say it to you. In a relatively small business like ours, it's quite maddening when you see each other repeatedly through out the day. But it doesn't deter her. She can't help herself.

I've tested it a couple of times.

Once, I walked by her every two minutes for about a half an hour. I made it a point to go out of my way and cross her path. Every Single Time she said something. I varied replies from cheerful to sullen, from lengthy to terse - it didn't matter. The last five times I didn't even say anything - I just glared at her. She didn't even flinch as she fired of yet another inane saying.

I had the joy of overlapping lunch with her in the break room. I walked in, sat down, and looked at my magazine while I played Poker on my cell phone. I made a point of not even looking up at her, and yet she still started chatting away to me. My only replies were grunts or silence. It didn't matter. She was on autopilot - rambling away to some conversation only she can understand or care about.

My results? - I think that somehow she must have a rare inner-ear infection that makes silence cause her actual physical pain. That's the only explanation I can have for the constant stream of shit that comes out of her face.
(The above findings are not scientific in any way, but I just liked calling them my "results".)

I've prescribed a muzzle for her or complete avoidance on my part.

(I'm working on the latter and hoping for the former.)


Song on My Mind - "Can't Kick the Habit" By The Spin Doctors.

Monday, April 09, 2007


Somebody slap me.

I do this almost every holiday.

I gorge myself silly on the festive dinner stuff, and now I feel like shit for the next couple of days. To make matters worse, my gym has been closed for the last two days - I feel slow and lethargic. The exercise would do me some good.

I should try and use my mind-boggling willpower to prevent myself from eating so much, but somewhere along the line I think my synaptic responses start to break down. (Usually at about the same time the gravy comes out.)

For now I think I'll just suck it up and try and burn it off.
I could use up some calories eating this donut...


Song on My Mind "The Other Man" By Sloan.
Reading - "The instructions on a packet of Eno." By Oh God My Stomach is Killing Me.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Rabbit Stew

Well, it's another Easter and my house is full of chocolate again.

For a chubby guy with a sweet tooth, it's like temptation smacking me in the face every time I turn around. (I have enough temptation in my life already, thankyouverymuch.) This I don't need.

Tonight's the Family Dinner.

I have suggested Rabbit, but nobody wants to take up the offer.

It's only fine to eat them if they are chocolate, I guess.

Put some gravy on it and no one will notice.


Song on My Mind - "Theme from Batman" (Don't Ask.)
Reading -"The Ingredients for a chocolate bunny" By Fat Bastard.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Communication Letdown.

I'm a bit disappointed in my e-mail.

I don't get any good spam anymore.

I'll chalk it up to good browsing habits and only giving out my address when absolutely necessary, but I am a bit nostalgic for the days of my first Hotmail account.

Nobody seems to care about my penis nowadays.

Back then, I was almost overcome with a deluge of mail inquiring as to my penis's length, girth and all around general well being.

Today's check of my e-mail revealed an advertising letter from a country-music radio station. (Trust me, I view this as spam. Whoever put my address on that mailing list needs to be shot.)
No one wants to help my penis, or let me see XXX photos of Britney's lesbian rehab love affair. (Not that I'd want too, but still...)

I feel like I'm out of the loop.

My penis feels like it's out of the loop.

It's all quite sad, really.


Song on My Mind - " Love Train" By Wolfmother.
Reading - "Hobbits - still with the Hobbits."

Friday, April 06, 2007


I was trying to be funny, dammit.

Today whenever I finished helping someone at work, I would say " Have a Good Friday." (Just a little play on words to entertain the customers.) Most people would respond with "Oh, Thanks." and walk away. They would stop about four steps later, understand what I was making a joke about, and smile.

I know today was the day that Christ died on the cross for all our sins, but it doesn't mean we can't joke about it. We all have our little hang ups, right?


Too Soon?


Song On My Mind - "Misery" By Soul Asylum
Reading - "The Fellowship of The Ring" By J.R.R. Tolkien.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Broadcast Area.

Thanks, Mr. Cell Phone Guy.

I'm glad that I was able to learn all sorts of new and useful things from you today. Things I never would have known if you weren't talking so damn loud on your cell phone.

I never would have known:
  • About that bar in Victoria that is off the hook - and how after that fly chick wants you to chill at her place. Good for you.
  • That you didn't have a car. You were so excited when your friend called and told you they were going to Vic. You even said " I'll call my moms and let her know I don't need a ride". I'm sure she's glad she doesn't have to adjust your car seat for you either.
  • That you can't put your leg straight. Somehow messed it up ballin', I believe you said. That's tragic in it's own right - the world should not be denied the awesome skills your 5'7 frame can bring to the court.
All this learned in less than 10 minutes while waiting to get my haircut. The sad fact is that I could hear you after I left the waiting area. I could hear you over the radio, the random chatter and even over the trimmers as they cleaned up my neckline. I'm sure that what you have going on is so important that everyone has to hear it.

The fact that you appeared to be in your mid-20's, yet spoke and sounded like a 15 year-old from the mean streets was the only mystery to me. Explain how that works, will ya?
I hope someone asks you the next time you take a call. And I hope I'm somewhere within a five-block radius, 'cause then I know I'll hear the response.


Song On My Mind - "Divine Intervention" By Matthew Sweet.
Reading - "Uncle John's Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader" By The Bathroom Reader's Institute

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I have a bit of a problem.

You see, I really want to go play Poker tonight.

The plans have been made for over a week, and my schedule has been public. Everyone knows that this is Poker Night.

Yet a matter has come up on My Wife's side of the family, and it turns out that we are going to be having a Family Dinner here tonight. This was all last minute stuff, and I had even mentioned that I would leave later for Poker than I had originally intended. (I made it clear that I was still going, but that I would put it off for a bit.)

So my question is this: Is 15 minutes enough? Or can I cut and run as soon as my plate is clear?
Would that be too insensitive?

To be truthful, I'm not going to do that.
I'll end up being a hour and a half late. (Best guess.)
But I am a bit resentful that it's all being pushed aside at the last minute. I guess the selfish part of me has trouble letting go.

I'll take it out on the rest of the players at the table tonight.
All the chips will be MINE!


Song On My Mind - "Another Round" By the Foo Fighters
Reading - "My Local Newspaper" By Waste of Pulp.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Bad Karma.

Someone up above is pissed at me.

I'm not sure what I've done to provoke such divine outrage, but I'm feeling the pain in many little ways. Let me tell you of some of the random things that have happened in the past two days:
  • I have suddenly developed a puffy eye. Not enough to become hideously disfigured, but enough to be annoying. I've tried the home remedies to no avail. After waiting at the Doctor's office for two hours - he tells me to continue what I've been doing and to take some eye drops. (Did I mention the kids were with me? Not fun making two kids wait for two hours.)
  • I plop down on my bed last night to watch some T.V. before going to sleep. I turn the T.V. on, the picture looks funny, starts to get smaller and smaller, the speakers emit a loud screech and POP! sparks fly out the back. I unplug the T.V. and notice the smell of burnt wires. Oh Joy.
  • At work the other day, I'm informed by a customer that a young man grabbed something and ran out. I see him running across the parking lot. I give chase, and as I'm about to say "Hey stop!", I trip and fall. Scrape myself up on the concrete pretty bad. Turns out the customer was wrong and the kid didn't take anything. I'm not only in pain, but embarrassed to boot.
That's only scratching the surface.
I hope the pendulum begins to swing the other way, because right now, I'm in need of some good tidings.

When you are this low, things can only look up.


Song On My Mind - "My Humps" By Alanis Morissette. (Awesome)
Reading - "Nothing at All" By Nobody.

Monday, April 02, 2007

A Night Off.

After the frivolity and entertainment of yesterday, I'm taking a night off.

Today really sucked, in general and specifically.

I can't think of anything else to say, so you'll just have to wait until to-morrow.

Have no fear, I shall return.


Sunday, April 01, 2007

April Fools

I was going to do some elaborate April Fool's Day post.

I was going to pretend that I was giving up the blog- that I had run out of things to say and couldn't be bothered to post again. It would have been tragic and heartfelt, the only thing missing would have been the tears on my monitor.

Then it hit me.

Some of you might believe it, and not come back. I value my loyal (but small) readership too much to throw it away on an Internet Joke.

So I'm going to Saran Wrap the toilet bowl instead.
Sure, the only people who will fall for it are the Kids or the Wife, but hey - they'll be the last to suspect it. (That's the genius of the plan.)