Thursday, January 05, 2006

Plan B.

A while ago, I made a pronouncement about my favorite female body part, The Breasts.

While my opinion has not changed, as we move into the winter months the visual aspects of the breasts are bundled away, tucked under sweaters and scarves.

This brings us to Plan B : The Butt.

Call it what you want. Ass, keister, fanny, turd-cutter, gluteus maximus, buttocks, derriere, posterior, whatever. It's a gorgeous piece of work in it's own right, but when teamed up with the correct articles of clothing, it approaches staggering heights of beauty.

Many men are of two minds when it comes to this particular area, and the main difference in the arguments is size. There are those who believe that bigger is better, and those who prefer a neat and tidy package. I'll admit it, I'm in the latter group. Just as it is for men, so is it for women, size does matter.

You can't tell me how great an ass looks when it's spread all over a chair like cream cheese on a bagel, and how can you have any appreciation for something when you are so worried about a seam splitting or button popping, possibly causing grave injury? And don't get me going on thongs; they are a two-edged sword my friends, they have the ability to do the greatest good, but in the wrong hands, serious visual damage can occur if exposed to a thong stretched beyond it's intended weight limit.

Some people prefer different shapes, such as apples, pears or peaches. ( You never hear anyone say how hot some chicks square ass is.) I'm not so much about the shape as about the definition. Symmetry is also a wonderful thing, as a woman with one ass cheek larger than the other is a bit distracting.

As with most visual treats on a woman, Summertime is the optimum viewing season. But winter does have it's benefits, if you know where to look. Thin, tight ski pants are always good, and when they stay inside, those comfy lounge pants have finally paid off, revealing much more than in past years. Jeans are worn year round, and winter seems to have no ill effects on denim's wonderful abilities.

No matter what the time of year, there are always a few simple rules to follow.
  • Take your left hand. Open it wide, palm facing down. Curl your ring, middle and index fingers into your palm, leaving your pinkie and thumb extended as far apart as is comfortable. Do the same with your right hand. - Now touch the tips of your thumbs together. The space between your pinkies is your maximum area of containment. Try to keep all asses within this range, as a guideline.
  • Unless requested, don't go smacking that ass. This is the one great area in which porn has lied to us. You are always welcome to give it a shot, but beware there are negative repercussions.
  • Never use the ass as a table or tray. It's not there to hold your beer while you are going to town, although it is a great idea.
  • When checking out an ass, try and be discreet. If caught, say you like the fit of her jeans and were looking for the label. Say this even if she's in a bikini.

That should get you started, or a least help you refine any areas that may need improvement.

The great thing about the ass is that although it deals very well with merchandising, unlike the breasts it cannot be easily disguised. A good bra will make mountains out of molehills. There's nothing a pair of jeans can do for an over-sized backend. Therefore when you see a fantasic ass on a lady, chances are it looks just as good out of the jeans. And that's the ultimate goal, isn't it?

I did not mean to ramble on so, but when you get me talking about certain areas I just can't contain my opinions.


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