Friday, January 27, 2006

There's Something On The Lens.

It seems like every time you turn around, there is another sex video released by, or featuring, celebrities.

I guess with the success (funny, I know..) that Paris & Pamela had after their tapes were released, it almost seems like a lucrative career path.

I'm not sure how often the average Jane & Joe Six-Pack film themselves at their most intimate, but judging by the spam that shows up in my Hotmail in-box at times, there must be cameras rolling all across this great country of ours.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but you know what? If I was ever to partake in such an endeavor, I know one thing for sure:

I would know where that tape was at all times.

You know how they show the President or some secret service agent with that briefcase chained to one arm? That would be me. Except it's not the codes to Nuclear Destruction I'd be holding, but actual footage of The World's Whitest Ass ™. Not a pleasant sight. And due to it's either awe-inspiring or vomit-inducing tendencies, it's status and location must be closely guarded.

Which is one of the reasons I'm slightly shocked when one of these scandals breaks. You may lose your tape for a couple of minutes, but how does it end up on Extra by the end of the day? Don't they have to have your permission for that?
And I'd never accidentally turn it into Blockbuster. For one, I would never be that careless to leave my homemade erotic tape beside my copy of Madagascar, and secondly, I'm horrible at returning movies, so it's doubtful that Blockbuster would be getting any movies back, forget about any of mine.


1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:29 am

    Actually, the carefully-planned 'leak' of a celeb's sex tape is becoming the fastest and easist method to termporarily plump (fluff, if you will) a celeb's possibily-waning popularity. It shot Paris Hilton from a whiny shit to a bitty-part player on TV, and it's actually revived quite a few flagging careers for another romp around our bedrooms and livingrooms.

    Success doesn't come all the time, though: Tonya Harding is a good example of a person whose sex tape proved ultimately impotent, a flop, and in cases like that there's nothing that will help get stiffen a flagging career and get the celeb back on top and riding the wave. Milking what remains of their professional assets, as it were, is only possible if they've can arouse our interest in the first place.

    But, more often than not, the leak of those tapes - veritable wads of them blown out at a time, it seems - is no accident: It's planned, coaxed, recorded, very managed and very much a part of the final wrapped/packaged product which is thrust wholesale into our faces and waved about the room.

    Like any other prod into the seamy side of our video needs, this is very serious commodity, now. We're only made to think it's really an unfortunate coincidence that a video with such relatively high production values is made by such naive amateurs and then accidentally seeps, unnoticed, onto the Internet.

    Now then, Miss, are you gonna tell me you can possibly have enough money stuffed into what you're wearing to possibly pay for this extra-large sausage and beef pizza? Sorry for the draft.