Dear Mike Meyers:

I have just finished watching Shrek the Third with my family.

I was somewhat hopeful when I picked up the DVD - my son loved the movie when we saw it in the theater, but I didn't much care for it. I was thinking that maybe a second viewing would bring something new to the table.

I was wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment the Shrek franchise went horribly astray - I think it was either one minute into this movie or maybe even back to the musical number at the end of Shrek 2. Either way, it lost whatever refreshing flavor it may have had.

I had trouble finding any humor in this movie - and that's bad for a guy who rates dick & fart jokes as high class. (The closest I get is when the Gingerbread Man shits a gumdrop.) My son laughed once - when errant flatulence starts a fire - and that was it. Yet he still says he liked the movie. Who knows - he probably thought it was a drama, he's only 4 after all.

It'd be great if my kids could understand that Pinocchio was a puppet who wanted to be a real boy and not a sass-mouth who wears ladies undergarments. I'd like them to think that Rapunzel never wore a wig and that Puss 'N Boots wasn't a smarmy Spaniard. I'm not sure where the Brothers Grimm are buried, but I bet they are spinning something fierce.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd let the franchise die. You're obviously not enjoying it, except for the bags of cash they throw at you for doing each one, so it's best just to leave it where it lies. I know that based on the DVD numbers they will more than likely ask you to make another one.

But be strong, Mike. Think of the kids.


Later.