Letter to the Editor

God ? It's me.
You remember me, right? We met at that party, I was being loud and obnoxious, you were sitting off in the corner, silently watching me, with just a smug little grin on your face.
Later, as we ran into each other by the keg, I made a witty remark, and you laughed, showing me your perfect smile, and dazzling me with that impressive rack you have.
It just seemed so right. I was the bad boy you were looking to tame, you were the good influence on my otherwise decadent lifestyle.
Where did it all go wrong? Was it when you caught me with your sister? The reason we were like that is because she was choking and the only way I could get her airway clear was to "snake" it out. Really, it was just bad timing, you walking in that way.
And was it my fault that your best friend just happens to be naked in my bed? I don't know how she got there, but what's a guy to do? Trust me, I made sure that she'll think twice before attempting the reverse cowgirl in the pike position again. I think she's learned her lesson.

So why did you feel it was necessary to inflict this completely horrible, fucking annoying chest cold on me? I can't breathe, my head's all stuffed up, and I'm only 3 days away from the Robert Plant concert in Victoria. If you hate me that much, we should have got married. But a cold? Right at the start of the fall? One of those ones that could hang around for months? Bad form. Really bad form. Next time just kick me in the nuts and we'll call it a draw.