Friday, September 09, 2005

Free The Hostages.

I'd like to take this time to reflect on my favorite part of the female anatomy, The Breasts.
I know that there are those of you out there who will disagree with me, and you are welcome to your thoughts and opinions. Now shut the fuck up and let me tell you why I think the way I do.

Don't get me wrong, I think that there are other redeemable parts of a woman, first and foremost of them being the brain, but come on, what would you rather have , an extremely charming, sophisticated, intelligent, nuclear physicist - type girlfriend, or an extremely charming, sophisticated, intelligent, nuclear physicist - type girlfriend with an awesome rack? No choice at all, right?
And for the final argument in that category, if you can show me a woman with two brains hanging on the outside of her chest, straining to keep their intelligence from bursting out of a tiny, barely-there bikini top, then get her number, 'cause I'll be next in line on her call display.

Now there are those out there who think that bigger is better when it comes to breasts. Not so. If that was the case then all the fat chicks would be doing the lingerie ads. (Please take a moment to use steel wool to scour that image from your brain.) Breasts are all about quality vs. quantity. Size, shape, firmness, nipple position and displayablity are all important factors to consider. Nipple position? Why would we mention that? Well if they're not there, then you've got a problem. If one is looking right at you and the other is checking something off to the left, well, it's just distracting. Not that having a pair of breasts in your face isn't distraction enough.

What else do you have to be on the look out for? Well, you always have to take proportion into account. The breasts of a petit woman do not look good on a larger-sized woman. Inversely, the breasts of a larger sized woman look freakin' fantastic on a smaller girl. Funny, that.

But as with most things in life, it's all about presentation. Merchandising. There are bras out there that can take the smallest of offerings and make it look like like they could overwhelm you with the slightest provocation. But I like to keep it simple. If it looks good under just a regular t-shirt, then we are good to go. Hell, if I'm allowed to touch them, then we are good to go.
I must admit though, that things have improved with time, at least from a viewable standpoint. When I was but a young lad in high school, the uniform of choice among girls seemed to be the baggy-sweatshirt over jeans or stirrup pants. Now, there's so much going on that it takes 3 or 4 minutes just to look a woman in the eyes. And I'm not talking about young girls here, it seems like those who feel they have something to show feel compelled to show it. As a man, I believe that this is the pinnacle of our society, it simply can't get any better than this.

But what about accessories? There seems to be many different types of add-ons and ornaments that are out there. Well, what about them? I say like most things in life, moderation is important. Have a piercing? Great. Have so much metal in your chest that I can only make out a vague, breast-like shape? Not good. If there's a tattoo there, it's okay, I like to admire art. If it's a tattoo of your Dad saying "Touch her and I kill you", that's a bad thing. It's whatever you feel comfortable with.

With all that being said, I like the fact that breasts are like snowflakes, no two are the same. Well, no two sets, that is. And I think that is the root of my infatuation. Woman have one face, one ass and one personality to present to the world (except the schizoid ones.) But they all have their two biggest ambassadors right out front to greet you, And that's not a bad way to say Hello.

1 comment:

  1. Amazing how you can go from waxing poetic about a seminal rock band that you had just seen to talking about womens breasts...I'm not sure if there is a connection between the two or not but I'm sure you could find one!. I am however, as you know, of the opinion that breast size matters not...blasphamey to you I know but I am all about and will continue to be all about how the girl looks in pants, jeans etc. I am a but\leg guy always the first thing I notice, not that the rack isn't good but it's just not the first thing I notice. I do however feel you should continue your study mayber get a grant for the governemnt(I hear they throw those around) and set up shop at a place that may be condusive to finding all required samoples to develop this thery more...I can think of a good university that could offer such things..just stay away from the english