Victims.

Ever met a victim?

I don't mean the victim of a crime, or anything fancy like that, I just mean one of those people who feel that the most important thing the universe has to accomplish is to make their life as miserable as possible. And just in case you are slightly doubtful, they will systematically tell you exactly how the cosmos has fucked them over.

Aren't they wonderful?

Nothing makes me feel better about my situation in life than listening to one of these schmucks go off for a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I don't actually care what's happening to them, it's just that normally most of the shit they complain about is so petty that it makes me feel better. My problems are real, theirs are just mini- crisis which help them connect the different time periods of the day, much like you or I would use a watch.

"My boss is the worse boss around. Oh, I know yours beat you and embezzled the employee pension plan, but mine asks me to be at my desk on time! How am I supposed to talk to anyone if that ogre makes me work?"

"Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I know how you feel; I have this hangnail that's been bugging me all day."

Some times these shitheads get so bent out of shape over the littlest thing that it completely ruins their whole fucking day. Something pissed you off at 9am? We'll hear about it for the next ten hours. Or somebody will hear about it, I'll tune you out so fast you'd think The Hip were playing on the radio.

At least these losers help me have a positive outlook on life. But I can't tell them that, they would just be mad about somebody else stealing all their happiness.

Victims.
God Bless 'em.