Tuesday, December 06, 2005

It's A Sliding Scale.

Talking with Joe and McQuarrie tonight.
Excellent conversation, good coffee, brewed by challenged people behind the counter. ( Soon we will walk in there and the coffee will be served by monkeys hurling fecal matter.)

I have a new insight into the unemployment problem in this town and many across Canada. Most of the people that aren't working must be horrendously stupid. Because if a major coffee chain such as the one I frequent has to stoop to hiring these type of people, the ones they've turned down must be lacking in gross motor function, or be unable to tell up from down.

Hey now, before you go thinking I'm a bastard, ( and you'd be right, ) I have done hiring and firing for a Major Multinational Corporation. Sure, it was on a small local area, but the same principle applies. Just because they have a heartbeat and the ability to fog up a mirror doesn't mean you should hire them. If they do the above and have a great rack, fine, hire away, but otherwise no go. And this leads us to the following:

The Awesome Rules of Hiring and Firing.
  1. The shorter the skirt, the longer the interview.
  2. Comments like " no gag reflex" and " gymnast level flexibility" should be duly noted and recorded in file.
  3. Document everything, take pictures if they'll let you.
  4. If the resume has a coversheet, it's a good sign. If it has a centerfold, even better.
  5. Try to avoid questions about "morals" and "scruples" and focus on meaningful stuff like "open relationships" and "bi-curious".
  6. If they seem distracted or edgy, offer them a drink of water. If they are hawt, offer some Rohypnol.
  7. When terminating the employee, mid-coitus is not recommended. Post-Donkey Punch is even worse.
  8. Try to get "one for the road". If that doesn't work, fudge income reports to government.
  9. Make sure all paperwork is completed and proper filing is done. Hand out photos and phone numbers to friends.
  10. Make sure any reference given is succinct and to the point. "Great Cans" will do just fine.

I think that if most employers would follow just a few simple steps the overall work experiance would be much more satisfactory for all of us.


  1. If you're really a bastard, you should consult your Chinese Calendar thingy: you could be a rat-bastard.

    Hey, how fucking come you all do the coffee thing when I'm not there? Do I smell? Is it a bad smell or is it just that musky odor I get when I've been hacking too long? Dlae said he liked that smell, kinda turned him on.

    Look. I'm comin' out in a mere 13 days. You guys better do coffee. And maybe poker. This all, I have hereby decreed.

  2. you must not have hired me
    no coversheet,
    long hair,
    no rack
    (unless your into hair...but then you have your own)
    hey you didnt fire me either
    so much for your mchiring scheme

    get this
    gm didnt hire between 85 and 02
    17 year gap in the workforce
    17 years ago you needed grade ten to get in the motors
    10 years before that you only needed to fog a mirror...

    enjoy your coffee

  3. Yup..yes sir...them's some good rules....no chance of sexual harasment charge there...but all in all...I completly agree

  4. As I was born in 1972, I am considered a Rat-Bastard. Funny how those things just work out.

    I didn't hire Hank, and I wash my hands of any involvement in hiring the Howard.

    Bish, the last time I went for coffee was with you I believe. I really don't get out all that much. But we'll go out for sure when you are up again. Since Joe has dumped us all for the girlfriend, he's not the most reliable intermediary.

  5. Oh come on thats a bunch of horseshit...Lando Calrissian was Black man....oh wait wrong arguement...I resent that..haha...Bish didn't call at all this weekend when he was up...what gives with that...and you dale..goin gettin drunk only seein 1 quarter of football..what the hell..who's unreliable now huh?..oh by the way..I'll be home for most of Decemebr....

  6. Looks like We've hit a nerve, people.

    Excuses aren't needed right now, what we need is action!

    And quit the mud-slinging, I thought I taught you better than that, Mr. Premature Ejaculator. (Oops, I wasn't supposed to mention your "problem" was I?)