Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Gut Bomb

Too much coffee and too many treats.

My stomach is in rebellion.
And if you've read my previous post, I've had guests in the house all day, which means more coffee and more snacks.
I felt trouble brewing early on in the day:


I was sure it was going to settle down, probably just nerves and lack of sleep. Have some more coffee to take the edge off. (That's like using more gunpowder to keep the canon under control.)


Shit, there's company here now. Just sneak into the laundry room and let a squeaker out.
Oh my Christ! What the hell is that funky smell? Better close the door when I head back out. A coffee and biscotti will settle this right down.


Whoa, that coffee's not helping, maybe I'll just excuse myself to the bathroom for a moment...


Oh my god, it feels like I'm being turned inside out. I guess this is what giving birth feels like.. That must have been my water breaking.. What was that noise? Was that me? Oh Lord I think I'm gonna die, please Lord, let me get through this, and I'll never eat another burrito again. Oh no, here comes the gas... There's got to be something wrong with me, I can't believe it's possible to make that smell with the contents of one man's stomach... Try to reach the switch for the fan...hope that it can handle the strain.. Grab the counter for support....lean into it...hold on...hold on... there! Oh yes! Yes! I'm done! Hallelujah! I feel lightheaded...must reach toilet paper roll...Fuck! Three squares left! That's like bailing a lake with a Dixie cup! Well you do what you have to do...Better leave the fan on and air it out... Now to go back out and be sociable.

Why are they looking at me funny?
Maybe I'll just go into the kitchen and grab a coffee...


(Rinse and repeat)

1 comment:

  1. you must be tired resorting to fart and shit jokes....lol