Page Turner.

What does it say about me, that I look forward to the new issues of Men's Health like I used to look forward to new issues of Maxim?

(In a totally non-gay way of course.)

I find that Men's Health is tailored more towards guys my age, maybe a bit younger. Maxim is just focused on guys who want to get pussy. (Yes, I do still glance at Maxim - old habits are hard to break.)

The tips and routines in MH are things that I've actually used - different things to eat, exercises to try at the gym, and other stuff. It's a good read and I enjoy it.

Plus, I don't' feel like a scuzzball when I take it up to the register.

That's probably the biggest change of all.




Later.

Mountains & Molehills.

It's not that I hate laundry.

It's a pain- that's for sure, but it'll always be there no matter how much we try to ignore it. (Especially if you have kids - believe me.)

I'm trying to get a routine going - just throw a couple of loads in each day, fold and put away. It doesn't take that long, and it seems like less of a task.

My wife, however, prefers the pile-it-up-and-attack-it-all-in-one-day plan. That's okay I guess, if you want to waste a whole day. What if you get called away? Laundry is never ending - it'll pile up the moment you turn your back on it.

With the amount The Sidekick and I have been going to the Gym, my need for non-sweaty clothes has increased exponentially, and going with the old method just means I'm scrambling for clean gym shorts at 5:30 in the morning.

But I can't get my wife to see the benefits of trying out my way ( even for a bit) .

I'll keep fighting the good fight, and I know she'll come around. ( I might have to take the Bounce Sheets hostage, but eventually, she'll listen.)

Until then, I'll keep tackling it my way.

I'm off to scale the southern face of the whites & towels - I hope I can hit the summit before dawn.

Someone send a Sherpa.




Later.

Lounge Lizards & Lat Pulldowns.

The hardest part of my morning wasn't the Treadmill.

The hardest part of my morning wasn't doing Ab workouts on the mats..

The hardest part of my morning wasn't the fifteen sets of Leg exercises The Sidekick and I did.

The hardest part of my morning wasn't listening to the guy beside us grunt like a mule while he was doing Deadlifts.


The hardest part of my morning was listening to the same guy sing along to whatever Nickelback or Default song was playing on the Gym's satellite radio. Seriously, dude, I can take the grunts and all (it is a gym) but singing along? Really?

I hope this guy isn't going to be one of the morning regulars - if he is I'm going to have to look into some type of ear protection.

At my old gym I had the visual disturbance of Jeans Guy - this one has the audible distraction of the guy I'm now going to call The Crooner.

Can't a guy just work out in peace?





Later.

Bless You, uTorrent.

I just downloaded an entire album in less than nine minutes.

(Of course I own the psychical CD, and this is only a backup copy - fair use, right?) Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Talk about instant gratification.

If only life were as reliable as uTorrent - I would have had six-pack abs ages ago.



Later.

Great As A Cup Size...

Lousy for an age.

Thirty-Six.

Today is my Thirty-Sixth Birthday.

I'm officially closer to Forty than I am to Thirty. Sad, right? (Inside I feel 25, and always will, I guess.) The weird thing is that right now, at this age, I'm in better shape than I have been since my younger years. So technically, like a fine wine, I've improved with age.

I'm going to try and enjoy this one. I work today, which isn't bad, and dinner followed by Poker tonight will round out my evening nicely. (I haven't mastered The Sidekick's ability to turn a Birthday into a three-day weekend - I'm not sure how he does it, but I'll give it a shot next year.)

I'd like to say I'm wiser now, but you'd all know that that's a lie, so I won't even try. I'm something, that's for sure, but I don't know what.


Oh yeah, older - I forgot.




Later.

A Steaming Cup Of Tranquility.

I didn't go home for lunch today.

Instead I strolled next door, got a coffee (Venti Skinny No-Sugar Vanilla Latte)and a newspaper, stepped onto the patio area, and read my paper in the sun.

It's the most awesome thing ever.

(For those of you who think drinking coffee in this weather is crazy, you can kiss my ass - I'll drink coffee when I'm in the burning pits of hell.)

There is something inherently relaxing about coffee & the paper - a sense that all is right with the world. (Even though you are reading something that tells you everything is clearly not right at all.)

Whatever - it was the most relaxing part of my week I think.

I should schedule coffe-paper-sunlit patio-days more often.

It'll be good for me.




Later.

God Damn Kids.

Canadian Talent and Ingenuity at it's finest.

I've been a fan of Sam Roberts since I first stumbled across them. They have a unique sound, and one of the only times I've listened to French in song and liked it. (Listen to "No Sleep" if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

I really liked the follow-up album, Chemical City, but I don't think that people were ready for the more experimental sound that album had. With the new release, Love At The End Of The World, they get back to the sounds and energy of the first outing, and it's all good.

The Video for Them Kids is great - I've played The Sims (albeit briefly) and it was never as cool as this. (Was Canadian Rock Star even an available profession?) My Sims usually went swimming and died when I removed the ladder from the pool - either that or perished in a house fire while cooking dinner.)

Check out the video and the album - they're both great.



Later.

Female Problems

Work tonight was a joy. (Sarcastically speaking.)

Almost half the way through the evening, one of my cashiers starts crying uncontrollably in the coffee room. One of the other girls calls me , and I go to see what's wrong - she's doubled over, bawling and it's hard to understand her.

I'm expecting a medical emergency, something akin to a ruptured appendix or gunshot wound.


- She tells me she has cramps. Really, really, really bad cramps.


As a man, it's hard for me wrap my head around that. If it was a guy, I'd tell him to do another lap and walk it off - but obviously that won't work in this case.

What's the proper way to deal with that? I can't say I understand her pain as I've never ovulated before. The only thing I can do is say "Okay" and ask her what I can do.

I did the best I could for her, and had someone cover for her for the rest of the night. I called back later and her mom had taken her to the Doctor to get her checked out. It's not all good, but she's better now.

I still think jogging a lap and maybe icing it down was the way to go, but hey - I'm no Doctor.




Later.

Running With The Devil.

The Sidekick and I had our first day at the gym together.

Did some cardio, hit the weights for a while, and still made it to Timmy's for coffee after. (What? You've got to have some reward at the end, right?)

It's good to have someone there who understands a Kevin Smith punchline when they hear it.

He did well for a first timer. It is easy to forget how difficult it is to get something like this started, but amazing how fast your body can adapt. It'll be good for me as well - to have another person to keep me on track and focused on my goals. (There's no way in hell I'm going to let him be able to do more pull-ups than me.)

We're going to do cardio tomorrow, and then hit legs on Sunday.

I'll make sure he can still walk after, don't worry.

You know, we should try to get Tim Hortons to carry a protein shake - they are right across the street from the gym after all. Could you imagine a Honey Cruller - flavored protein shake?

I know it's sad - but I think I can.



Later.

Who's The Ugly Guy In Your Wallet?

I have to renew my Driver's Licence .

My Birthday is coming up soon, and it's been five years since I last renewed, meaning the plastic card I carry now will no longer be valid. (It also means the Government gets to take $75 of my hard-earned money, but that's another story.)

I actually can't wait to get an new licence - I hate the one I have now.

Driver's photos are never the most glamorous ones - but mine's nasty. I look like I just finished eating a small child and there appears to be at least one extra chin that I didn't know was there. On top of that, my hair's the shits 'cause I wore my hat, and you have to take it off for the photo.

Oh yeah - I'm a looker - that's for sure.

This time I'm around 20-25 pounds lighter, the chin appears to be gone, and I'll make sure not to wear the hat until after the picture. I want a licence I'm proud to show people - not one that's likely to get me charged with assaulting an officer if I hand it over at a traffic stop. (My gnarly photo being the weapon in question.)

Think they let me pose for a couple?

Or should I bring in my own - Glamour Shots, maybe?

Doesn't really matter, it'll be better than what I have now.




Later.

Spam Boy Must Die.

Thank you, Sumarno.

Thanks for being the type of tool that would spam my blog. I go through all the trouble of pouring my feelings out on the keyboard, and you go and use it as an introduction to your crappy porn blog.

It's not even good porn - I only looked through six or seven pages, not even 25 minutes worth, really. Is that the kind of traffic you want? Sure - you probably get more hits than me - but what would people rather see, supple, tanned young women exposing themselves or the ramblings of a man in mid-midlife crisis?


I think we all know the question to that.

I'll be nice and leave your link in the comment section - just to show no hard feelings. (I mean, you had to take the time to bypass Bloggers Word Verification - the strongest fail-safe known to man - you at least deserve something, right?)


But seriously, go peddle your smut somewhere else. I don't need your help finding porn.




Later.

Easy Like Monday Morning.

This morning was great.

I got up at 6:15, and had my shoes on and was out the door in five minutes flat. The sky was overcast, it was a little cool, and the moisture from last night's rains hung in the air like a curtain.

Great running weather.

I headed out down the road, avoiding the scattered piles of dog shit by my neighbor's lawn, and wound my way towards my destination: The Sportsplex. (It's a fair distance from my place, and is a good middle point in my circuit.)

As I rounded into the parking lot, everything was as I wanted it - no people, no cars, not a soul in sight. I pulled a note from the Rocky handbook, and sprinted up and down the stairs ten times as fast as I could. (I looked like an idiot - hence my desire for no one to be around.)

When I was done, I casually retraced my steps home, getting a little sprint in now and then.

I like running in the morning, be it at the gym or outside. I wish my area was a little more rural, as right now I have to drive to get to any wooded areas to run, and I'd really like to try some trail running.

But I'll take what I can get, and enjoy my time in the morning.

It was a shame that I had to ruin such as positive moment by going into work. Ah well, what can you do?



Later.

Lack Of Motivation.

I have a problem.

Some days I'm just lazy.

Case in Point:

Last night, after playing some Hockey on the 'ol Xbox 360, I flick through the channels and check out what's on. What do I see? Sin City. It's a favorite, and just started, so I think I'll watch for a bit.

It was good, but I kept getting annoyed with the commercials and the quality of the picture (Non HD). So What did I do?

Nothing.

I could have got off the couch, walked the 4 feet to the DVD rack, pulled out my copy of Sin City and put it in my upconverting DVD player - I would have had an excellent movie, commercial-free and in great quality.

But nope - I kept my lazy ass glued to the couch and suffered through pointless commercials. How sad is that?


It's not that that's a one-time occurrence - this has happened before. I'll suffer through shitty edits, commercial breaks, censored dubbing, whatever - even if I have a perfectly good copy right there.

It's a conundrum - that's for sure - and I should do something about it.

But maybe later - I think The Matrix is starting on TBS.
This should be good.




Later.

Shameful 80's

Oh my God.

The Radio station at work is having a "All 80's" Long Weekend. As painful as it sounds, I've found myself humming along and tapping my foot to the beat as I go about my day.

You see, in between all the shitty 80's tracks they are playing, (Don't Worry - Be Happy, Girls Just Want To Have Fun, etc.) They're playing some of the music that I actually grew up with and listened to at the time. It's hard not to rock out when you get to listen to this:



Or this:



And I'll admit, I even choked up when I heard this:




I know, me saying something positive about the radio at work is a sign of the Apocalypse or something, but it's not actually that bad. I daresay it's been enjoyable. There is one slight drawback though - I find myself yearning for big hair and tight leather pants. I think it'll pass after the weekend, right?

I hope so.

So if you are in the store, and see some guy rockin' out his air guitar down Aisle 4, don't worry - it's just me reliving my youth.




Later.

3 Things I Hate....

...About the May Long Weekend.

1. The Panic - It's the first nice long weekend of the year, and everybody and their dog is running around like mad, trying to get organized so they can charge out to a campsite with 200 other assholes who are also hurrying to get to the same campsite. The dazed, half-crazed look you see in some people's eyes? That just means they're enjoying their long weekend.



2. The Heat - Not that I don't like hot, but going from rainy and cool to scorching in one day seems a might odd. I hate breaking out in a sweat just from blinking.



3. Assholes - Assholes are two types of people - those who come up to me at work and ask me if I'm going away for the weekend, then feign insincerity when I tell them I'm working - And those who come up to me, ask "Hot enough for ya?" (when I'm indoors) and then tell me how great it is outside and start to describe what I'm missing. I'd like to stab those fuckers with a plastic spoon.

Thank God it's only a weekend - I think I can make it through without causing harm to myself or others.


But I'm not guaranteeing anything.




Later.

Late Nights & Early Mornings.

Yesterday was great.

I went to the gym, had a great day with the kids (That means no fighting and they listened), and got invited out for a for a free round of golf (and beers) at a great golf course.

After the round, we went to the pub for a bit, I enjoyed more beer and some yummy Yam Fries and headed home.

That's when all hell broke loose.

You see, I got home and everything was great. I played some Poker online - I was too wired to sleep - and then went to bed at about midnight. About 30 minutes later, The Boy started coughing.

He's had a slight nighttime cough for a couple of days - nothing a lozenge or some cough syrup doesn't rectify. I got up and checked on him, and his cough seemed worse than usual. I stayed with him and tried to comfort him and get him to sleep.

We were up until about 4:30 this morning. From then until 6:30 we got about 20-25 minutes of sleep at a time without him coughing.

And at 6:30? My other Boy woke up.

Bye-bye sleep, nice knowing you.

After numerous coffees for me, and a trip to the Doctor for The Boy, I find out he's got Pneumonia. (No need to panic, we caught it early.) I've been keeping him comfortable all day, but with the cough and just not feeling well, he hasn't rested or slept at all.

And I haven't either.

Tonight will be an early night for all of us, I think, and I'm hoping that The Boy (and Myself) can get the rest we need.


Must be God's way of punishing me for having a great golf game. (Karma's a bitch.)




Later.

New Gym.

My gym is moving, and will be closed for about a month or so.

For the last two days, I've been working out at a different place.

It's nice, and I do like the fact that they have about 4x the cardio equipment of my old gym. There are a bunch of new machines that I've never seen before, and it's cool to try something different.

This new place has the reputation of being the "Roid Ragers gym, but I've only seen one or two big guys and they seem alright to me. (Nobody's offered to inject anything into my ass, so I'm happy with that.)

I'll get a month pass, just until the old place is open again.

It's good to try something different, and to step out of the comfort zone that I had at my gym. It'll be good for me.


See you on the treadmill.





Later.

American Idol Must Die.

As I type this, American Idol is on in the other room.

I find it painful to overhear, forget about watching it.

Yes, I'll admit - I watched the first season, and have seen bits from season 2. After that I just couldn't stand to be around when it came on.

I don't like it's influence on music. That crap you hear on the radio? It's not like American Idol is doing anything to change that - they aren't looking for anyone new or different. They aren't even searching for the Next Big Thing - just the Next Thing. And talk about covering your bases. They had the Pop/Rock Girl win first, and then followed it with a Country Chick, Soulful Guy, Soulful White Guy, and countless other cookie-cutter personalities and talents.

And the public eats it up.

I don't blame the producers, they're milking this cash cow for as much and as long as they can. I blame the millions of people who watch and phone and keep this shit, and the crap that comes from it, on the air and on my TV. The fact that they take sometimes classic songs, butcher the arrangement and saccharinate it only adds to my displeasure.

I say we wait until the finale and nuke it from orbit. Tell Dubya that Osama's in attendance and he'll gladly push the button. (Although a nuke is too quick for Ryan Seacrest. He should somehow suffer more, if possible.)



Later.

Tastefully Distracting.

I watched 1:51 of this video before I realized she was cooking halibut.




Could have sworn she had milkshakes goin' on.


Thank you Food Network - for making me fell dirty & hungry at the same time.




Later.

It's Your Day, Mom.

Moms are important, and on a day like today you can only ask one thing:

• What has she done for me lately?

Nothing against my Mom, but she's been milking this holiday from me for almost 36 years now. Talk about resting on your laurels. If she still wants to receive this kind of recognition, she'll have to step up and produce a bit more.

Yeah, yeah, scraped knees and boo-boos aside, she did that shit ages ago. Want to impress me now? Make one of my mortgage payments. (That's better than kissing my owwie better.) Still taking credit for all that other stuff is like me still bragging about that Home Run I got in T-Ball.

What you're doing now is what counts, not what you did in the past, right?

I'll tell her about the new guidelines, and if she doesn't meet expectations by next year, she can forget that card, flowers and phone call.

That'll show her.




Later.


(Please don't show this to my Mom - she'll kick my ass.)
Love you Mom, thanks for everything.

Fresh Meat.

So it's Poker Night again.

Should be different this week, as it looks like some of our regular players won't make it, and we might have some other ones.

New people at Poker are both a joy and a frustration.

On one hand, it's great to play against someone that you've never seen before - it challenges you to adapt your playing style, and trying to figure out what they are trying to do brings a little more spice to the game.

On the other hand, new people usually do very well at our game. I don't know why, but they always seem to come out big their first time. It's good because they usually want to come back, (giving me a chance to win some money) but bad because I have to give up that money in the first place.

However it works out, it'll be another great night, and I hope my pockets are heavier at the end of it.



Later.

Fighting Father Time.

One of the guys I work with is substantially older than me.

It's good in that we can all benefit from his years of experience in the business, his familiarity with the customers, and his loyalty to the company.

It's everything else I can't stand.


He just can't keep up. My job isn't as physically demanding as some, but there is a part of it where the ability to get things done - and done fast - comes in handy. He just can't do it anymore.

Between that and the fact that his organizational skills are non-existent (you think after all this time he'd at least have some sort of system, or ability to follow any system), make it really difficult when I come back from my days off.

I've done all I can - hints, suggestions, outright telling him what needs to be done, but it just goes back to the same ol' same ol'. Even mentioning it to my bosses does nothing, as they just hope he'll put in his time and leave in a year or so. Meanwhile, that leaves me to clean up and re-organize after someone else. (Not a pleasant thing.)

I think all I can do is try to make it less stressful on myself - and hope he breaks a hip.



Later.

Behind The Scenes.

After watching this video, I'd like to add John Mayer to the list of People I'd Like To Have Coffee With.

Funny Shit.





Later.

Your Efforts Are Appreciated.

Just a note to the guy who invented yoga pants:

Thank You.

From the deepest part of my heart (and even lower) I thank you for your contribution to society. During this lovely weather, not a day goes by that I don't see your incredible product in action - and each time I'm just a little bit more thankful.

Unlike regular spandex, the only women I see wearing your product are the people with the physique to do so. And the wonderful manufacturing that you do covers any flaws and only enhances the natural beauty of the area. I don't know how you did it, but keep up the good work.

You're my new hero.

Later.

Ferrum Personage

Just got back from seeing Iron Man with the Sidekick.

Well done, Marvel Studios.

I enjoyed every minute of it. The casting was spot-on and the story and pacing were great. It may not be the best comic-book movie ever, but it's at least in the top 5. Robert Downey Jr. is a perfect Tony Stark, and I'll bitch-slap anyone who says different.

Of course this will be an automatic DVD purchase - (can't wait for Christmas) even more so if it comes in a red & gold steelbook case.

If you haven't heard already, stay for the after-credits surprise. Nice to see that The Sidekick and I weren't the only Internet-connected geeks to attend tonight - although we were the best looking. (C'mon - have you seen the type of nerds that hang around to watch the credits?)





Later.

Nothing.

You know what?

I've got nothing to say.

After a long day at work, doing some yardwork, and mindlessly sitting and looking at the screen for 15 minutes, I've realized that I don't even have anything intersting to write about.

I'm not sure if it's a testimonity to my mundane-ness, or if it's just an off day.

Don't worry, I'll spring back tomorrow.

Later.

"Hole" Grains.

Somebody should remind me not to eat Granola cereal before I go to bed and Oatmeal when I wake up.

If I could harness the power of my flatulence this morning, I wouldn't have had to walk to work - I could have flown.

Don't you feel better knowing that?


Later.

Taste With The Eyes, Not With The Mouth.

The worst thing a fat guy can do is watch the Food Network.

There is one show, however, that I can't miss.

Alton Brown's Good Eats is the greatest foods show ever. It has the right combination of Tastiness and Nerdiness that just seems to strike the right note with me.

It's like watching the perfect balance of Science and Home Ec. (Except that there are no goggles involved.)

I PVR it, so I can watch whenever I have a chance. I try not to watch on an empty stomach though - that's just torture.



Later.

Rub My Nose In It.

One of the great things about being a Hockey fan is watching your team succeed.

(But since my team got knocked out of the playoffs last night, I'll talk about bitter disappointment instead.)

The other great thing about being a Hockey fan is laughing at other guy's teams when they blow it.

The guys at work had a great time with me today.

See, I work with mostly Canuck fans - (Yes, that alone should qualify me for a medal.) and nothing gave them greater joy than to remind me that not only did my team get knocked out, but they got swept in four games and shellacked in an 8-2 loss in the last game on home ice.

I guess it's only fair as I was pretty brutal on them when their team didn't make the playoffs.

Now the worst thing that can still happen would be for the Habs to make it to the third round - that'll cost me a DVD, and that would be the greatest disappointment of all.

Well, there's always next year.....




Later.

Piles Of Useless Crap.

I'm having an OCD day.

It's my day off - and later on today my Grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle are coming to visit. Needless to say, a little tidying is in order - just to straighten up the place. (I do have two kids, so you know it's not going to be immaculate.)

But for some reason, there's a couple of areas that are just driving me nuts.

• The top of the Fridge - Why does it seem like everything gets shoved here? It shouldn't take me a half hour to clear it up. (But it did.) There's crap from Easter, a Christmas bow, random photographs - just shit that should have been dealt with ages ago.
• My Bookcases - What the top of the Fridge is to the kitchen, my Bookcases are to the rest of the house. Small peices of the kid's toys, scraps of paper, random Poker chips - you name it, it's here. I was almost going to pull the books out, dust and re-organize but time and laziness got the better of me.
• The Shoe Rack - What's the point of having a rack if I'm the only guy who uses it? It's like the rack isn't a place to keep your shoes as much as it's a symbol of where the shoes are supposed to be. My kids seem to think as long as the shoes are in the same room as the rack, everything is okay.

With cleaning out those areas, doing the recycling, and just getting the regular cleaning done, I'm almost wiped. It'll look good for today, but I just know it'll pile up faster than I can throw it all out.

It drives me nuts......

Isn't there some sort of show on HGTV or TLC for shit like this?

Later.

This One's For the Sidekick..

Although after seeing the results of today's game, I think these guys should have switched shirts.






Just kidding bud, maybe they'll come back.

You know if both of our teams bow out in the 2nd round, that means a tie in the DVD bet, right? (Maybe we'll both get DVD's)



Later.

Auto Theft Most Grand.

I'm about 15 minutes away from playing Grand Theft Auto IV.

I'm not one of those people who rushed out and bought the game at 12:01 am last night. (I know three of the kids from work were going, and they did offer to get one for me.) I chose the safe route - I rented.

I know I'm going to like it, but I did want to give it a test run first. If it turns out to be harder and more involved than the last GTA, I'm going to wait to pick it up. I want to finish a couple of other things first before I devote more time to a video game. (All things being equal, I still have to guide my Colorado Avalanche to the cup in NHL 08 - it doesn't look like they are going to do it in real life.)

It should be fun though - I'm looking forward to wanton destruction on the mean streets of Liberty City. Jack some cars, bust some caps.... that's how I roll.


Later.

Pissing On My Childhood, Part 2

I get home from work tonight and scroll through the channels, looking for something to kill some time before bed, and I stumble across the most foul mash-up since Jay-Z met Linkin Park.

A Star Wars themed Deal or No Deal.

Thanks George, thanks NBC - you've pissed all over my childhood memories once again.

I don't care if there's 20-some models dressed up like slave-girl Leia - the fact that you've got some trailer-trash loser picking cases with Chewie and R2-D2 rooting him on just makes me sad.

You think George would have learned from the debacle that was The Star Wars Holiday Special.

I guess somethings never change, and 'ol Mr Lucas selling out for cash is one of them.

Later

Three Bottles

I know why I don't drink anymore.

The Sidekick and I split three bottles of wine last night at the retirement party we both attended.

He seemed to be holding his own. I however, was totally smashed.

I don't think I made a complete ass of myself, but I do tend to get rambunctious and talkative when I drink. I was told today that I was entertaining, but only to a point.

I really have trouble controlling my intake. You know that little voice inside that tells you that you've had too much to drink? Mine had laryngitis.

I think I'm done with the booze for a bit.

The Sidekick's birthday is coming up, so I'll have a gin or two then - but after that it's the wagon for me.

With my luck it'll be a delivery wagon, and it'll be stopping at the liquor store.



Later.

Unfettered

I'm having a crisis of the faith again.

We just got back from Naniamo, where I helped the In-laws pick out a new laptop, and I've realized 2 things:

1. Any trip over 1 hour is made so much easier with in-car DVD. I put in Teen Titans and the Kids just quiet right down. (I do look back and check that they are blinking every once in a while.)


2. God I want one of these things.

I'm typing on it right now. I said I'd do the initial setup on it, and couldn't resist surfing and blogging just a bit. The fact that I'm doing it from my couch is a bonus.

It's all I ever dreamed.

I know I could get something 3 times as powerful for half the price. I know that whatever I buy will be obsolete in 3 months. I know all of this, yet I still want one. I want to be unfettered.

(Imagine only having sex in one room of your house for the rest of your life. Shitty, right? Well it's almost the same thing.)

But it's all a moot point anyway. I don't have the cash for a new laptop. I don't even have the cash for a used one. So I will remain chained to my desk for the forseeable future.

But I yearn to be free. Do you hear me? I yearn.

Later.

Stop In The Name Of Love.

Everything stops when you have a sick kid.

Case in point - Today was to be my day to accomplish things. I was going to clean the garage, mow the backyard, do some errands downtown, and just get shit done. Everything was moving fine until The Boy started throwing up.

We were just about to leave to go out when all of a sudden he says he feels sick and starts to do the "huh-huh" sound. A quick dash for a bowl and it all comes out.

Right at that moment my whole day changed.

I didn't get the lawn mowed. I didn't touch the garage. The backyard? It's a jungle. My biggest challenge today was staying on the couch with The Boy and watching cartoons. He didn't want me to leave, and hey - someone had to hold the bowl, right?

I can get all that other stuff done tomorrow.

(In case you're wondering - he feels much better now.)



Later.

Cinematic Overload.

I should keep my mouth shut.

I bitch a lot about how Hollywood has run out of ideas, and that there is never anything coming out that I want to see. Now there's a deluge of movies coming my way, and I'll be scrambling just to keep up with them.

First there's the obvious ones:

• Iron Man - Hello? Comic Book Movie? I'm all over it.
• The Incredible Hulk - Read previous statement.
• Indiana Jones - Is there anyone under the age of 40 who isn't going to see this?
• The Dark Knight - See statement re: Iron Man.
• Hellboy 2 - I loved the first one, (Much to the Sidekick's dismay) so this is a must see.
• Hancock - There's just something about this movie that makes me want to watch it.
  

Those are the ones that I'm guaranteed to be at the theater for. If I have any glaring omissions, forgive me - I'm writing the list off the top of my head. (A real nerd would have that shit marked on a calender.)

And then there are the others - some are what you'd expext, others...not so much.

• Speed Racer - Reliving my childhood. Maybe I should get stoned and see this... Cool Beans indeed.
• Kung Fu Panda - I know the kids are going to drag me to see this, but the truth is I want to see it.
  
• Get Smart - See my statement about Indiana Jones.
• Wall-E - Of course I want to see this. It's Pixar.
• The Love Guru - The same old Mike Myers shit, but hey - I 'll laugh. (Mainly about the fact of the Leafs being in the Cup Finals.)
  
• Tropic of Thunder - This one looks fucking hilarious - and I don't say that often about Ben Stiller movies.
• Step Brothers - Can't talk - laughing too hard.

So that's thirteen movies in as many weeks. If I include popcorn and such, I'll have to take out a loan just to see all the movies I want to. There's probably about 5 or 6 movies I forgot about as well, so that will be even more.

Yes, Hollywood - I bitched about you before, and now you're going to take all my money.

I was right - I should have kept my mouth shut.


Later.

Comic Shops & Rock Stardom.

God I love Victoria.

We just got back from the Big City and everything went great. The Twin is fine, the kids are great, and best of all - I got to hit the Comic Book Store.

I went a tad crazy - but what guy wouldn't when he's walking around with a built in 30% discount off the American cover price? I picked up 4 graphic novels and would have gone for more, but reason (and my Wife) stepped in.

It was great though - I could die happy in there. (I'm such a nerd.)

I went one step further with the Nerdiness, though.


You see, the Twin has Rock Band for his XBox 360.

In the evening, when the kids were tucked in their beds, we would go down to the basement and I would unleash my inner Rock God.

I'll tell you right now, that game is harder than it looks. I played bass to start, but tried the drums and guitar. I even rocked out on the microphone. (I didn't sing "Learning to Fly" as good as Dave, but it was close.) My skills aren't legendary - yet - but in time they will come. I didn't rush out and buy it, but my birthday is coming up, and if I don't get Rock Band, I'm at least expecting Guitar Hero.

Lets see.... Comic Shops,.... Video Games,.... If I would have fixed a computer I could have completed the Nerd Trifecta. (Alas, the Twin has a Mac, and has had no problems with it.)

As much as I love The City it's good to be home. We run at a breakneck speed down there trying to get everything accomplished in the two days we have, so finally being able to relax is great.

(And getting back on a regular blog schedule is nice too - I can tell you all missed me.)

Viva Holidays!




Later.

Leave Them Laughing.

I'm going to Victoria tomorrow - family trip to see The Twin.

I thought I'd leave you with something to chuckle at before I go.

Enjoy.






Later.

Scaling Back.

Today was the last official weigh-in for The Biggest Loser contest at my gym.

There's quite a few people who have to get measured, so we won't know the official results until later next week. (Friday) Most people I saw figured I'd be the winner, but I suspect my competition was right behind me.

I do know a couple of things, though:

• I lost 41.5 pounds - from 220 to 178.5. That's 19% weight loss right there.
• My waist shrunk almost 10 inches. (9.75 to be exact.)
• My BMI went from 30.2 to 24.2
• I used to run about 1.5 miles in 20 minutes on the treadmill - just yesterday I ran 5K (3.1 miles) in 25:25.
• I increased my muscle mass on my chest and arms by 1.5 inches.

I think I did pretty good. I'll know more (body fat %) later, but it's nice to see the changes. (Not that I can't see them when I look into the mirror.)

After my holidays I'm going to get back up on the horse and start on my new goals. I figure I'll just run outside this week, and then hit the gym once the awards are done. Some of the new goals:

• Hit 170 pounds. This is mostly to get rid of the love handles and show some more definition. It'll be harder than the previous weight loss because I'll be putting on more muscle while losing fat.
• Chin ups/Pull ups. I want to be able to bust out at least 10-12 with my own bodyweight.
• Keep improving on my 5K time. I'd even like to try a race this summer. Getting 23:00 or below would be great.
• Get The Sidekick to the gym. He says he wants to go, and I'll work him into the schedule as much as possible. I was even looking at training plans today.

I figure those are good ones to start with. I'll reassess in about a month and see where I'm at.

I'll tell you all how I did in the contest when I know. Like I said before - I don't care if I win, I just want free membership and any other benefits I can get . (The odd tanning session might help my pasty white skin.)



Later.

Dinner & A Movie.

I would rather be on the front lines of some war than have to pick out dinner & a movie. (Not really, but you get my point.)

For two or more people to try and come to a consensus on those two topics is nearly impossible. An easier task would be to convince Charles Darwin the validity of Creationism.

It doesn't matter what the food is - somebody's tired of it, or doesn't like it. And movies? It's almost worse. Picking a theater and a show to see is almost as frustrating.

Renting and take-out are just as bad. There are at least three people I refuse to walk into a rental place with - they've seen everything. As for take-out or delivery, where to go still rears it's ugly head, and if not, who delivers?

With my dietary changes, you'd think I'd be ready to go for eating out on a splurge night - but the truth is, I can't think of where I want to go.

Somebody order for me, and put me out of my misery.




Later.

Mah Twounge Hwurths.

Seriously, it does.

I was in a hurry this morning, and as such did not give my tea sufficient time to cool down before I took my first sip of the day. (For those of you guffawing about me drinking tea, you can just fuck off.)

The initial scalding feeling wasn't that bad. What's annoying me is that irritating feeling right on the tip of my tongue. It's affected the taste and texture of everything I've eaten today. It's hard enough to enjoy as salad as it is without your taste buds refusing to acknowledge anything other than their own discomfort. I might as well be eating pudding for all my tongue can tell. (Mmmm....pudding.)

I'll persevere, though. I'll tough it out.

Maybe I'll go over to my sister's for dinner. Not being able to taste anything might work out to my benefit after all. (Ohh - ice burn!)



Later.

Kirk Had The Coolest Chair...

Captain Kirk had a bitchin' chair.

I mean, c'mon - look at it. It has everything. Leather, wood, remote controls, built in phone, it swivels, and is parked in front of a big-ass T.V.

(I'm not sure about the stain on the floor, but I think that's love juice from some alien chick he was puttin' the moves on.)

I wish I had a chair like that.

My chair sucks compared to that one. Hell, I don't even have any interesting stains like that one does. (Contrary to popular belief, you sickos.)

I wonder if The Wife would notice if I got rid of the loveseat and had that instead.... It's worth a try, right?



Later.

Lost & Found.

Remember that video I was talking about, the one that never got posted?

YouTube sent me a message and told me why it didn't show up.

They said it was a "Bad Request." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What was bad about it? Couldn't YouTube handle what I was trying to convey?

Like I said before, I think they're scared of me. Maybe even jealous.

I think I'll take The Sidekick's advice and embed my videos from now on. That way "The Man" can't interfere with my message. Gots to get the word out there, right?

(Who am I kidding - I'm a middle-aged white guy. I am The Man - whether I like it or not.)




Later

Cardoholic.

Poker Night again.

It'll be the last one for a bit, what with my wonky schedule and holidays coming up. I think The Sidekick will go into meltdown if we have to wait too long, but he'll be okay.

I did well at my neighbor's the other night, and I did rally from behind last week, so I'm hoping I can finish out strong. (But it's Poker, so you never know.)

Wish me luck.

(Worse case scenario: I go down to The Twin's place next week and try to get them hooked. It's worth a try, isn't it?)


Later.

Number One.

While I was closing up at work tonight, I was talking to some of my late-shift staff.

We were talking about working evenings, and the topic got around to who was the preferred manager to work late with. There's a lot of fun guys at work, so I figured the competition would be pretty steep.

I was told by not one, not two, but four employees that I was the best guy to work nights with. You're looking at Number One, right here. (Hey, out of six who were working, that's pretty good.)

Maybe it's because I'm laid back, yet I get things done. Maybe it's my witty sense of humor, and the positive outlook I bring to the job. Maybe it's my ability to relate to the people I work with, regardless of our age differences. Maybe it's the Tequila Body Shots we've all been doing.

(Strike that last one, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)

"But wait!", you say "Not everyone picked you". The other two? They chose the guy who doesn't make them do any work. How can you compete with that? The only way to top that would be to start handing out money and liquor. (I'm keeping all of that for myself.)

I know it's just an ego stroke and doesn't mean anything, but to know that you can do your job and not have to be an ass to the people around you is pretty rewarding. The confirmation is quite a nice thing to have.

But don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. What am I going to do, brag about it on the Internet or something?

Oh, wait.....




Later.

Mission Accomplished.

I did it.

With one week left to go in the contest, I hit my goal weight.

Since January 22nd, I've lost 40 pounds.

If I were to post a picture, and you were to see it, I'm a svelte 180 pounds. By any BMI calculator, I'm no longer classified as "Overweight." I feel great, I look damn good, and I'm setting new goals to reach. I don't even care if I win the contest anymore.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I don't want to win it all, (But I'll take it if I do win) I just want to win any extension on my membership. I'd like to continue to have the convenience of a gym right across the street from where I work. (And having it for free is the biggest bonus.) I just need it for strength training - I can do the cardio aspect outside now that it's warmer. (I'd even run in the rain if I had to. In fact, I'd welcome it.)

Once we're all said and done with the contest and I'm back from holidays, I'd like to re-establish my goals. A bit more weight loss, and most of the other ones have to do with 5 or 10k times and strength training stuff (pull-ups, etc.)

It'll be great to start the next chapter of this aspect of my life.

Yay me!



Later.

Uncomfortable Reading.

As my Weight-Loss contest is ending soon, I'm looking for new routines and workouts to try after it's all over. (Variety is the spice of life, right?) To that extent, I've been reviewing some of the fitness magazines we have at work - they seem to be full of information and tips.

Some of them, well - lets just say I'm not sure of which audience or demographic they are catering to.

I usually read Men's Health. It's got a little bit of everything, and seems to be the standard. I think (thought) that most of the other magazines would be like that as well.

I was wrong.

Take the magazine to your right -> Sure, it's got a ripped guy with his shirt off on the cover, but it is a fitness magazine, so why not?
But then you look inside.

Inside it gets a little weird right away. All of the guys in the magazine: the ads, the exercise instructions, the articles, even the guy writing editorials are all shirtless, buff, and wearing those ball-hugger boy shorts. It looks more like I'm flipping through a gay man's stroke catalog than an workout magazine.

I was prepared to chalk it up to a publisher who thought he could maybe get some gay fitness customers as well as regular readers, but then I flipped to the back page. The back page had a cowboy type guy in a horse trough, having a bubble bath.

That's just a bit much - even for me.

They say that becoming healthy is a lifestyle change. I thought they meant diet and routine - not sexuality. If that's what it's going to take, I'll live with a bit of a paunch and just tell people it's the gas tank for my sex machine. My hetro sex machine.

I'll stick with the Men's Health - all the guys are fully clothed, and I don't feel funny when it says I should "feel the burn in my Glutes."

Oh, by the way - I never looked anyone in the eye when I put that magazine back, either. I would hate to look at the guy next to me at the rack and have him give me a knowing wink. (Ewwww)


Later.

Where It Counts.

Since I started this blog in 2005 there have been almost 12,000 people who, at one time or another, read the words "Midlife Rambler" on their monitor.

While that's not YouTube-type numbers, I'm pretty impressed. It's even okay if you take out the six to twelve repeat visitors I have. (If I didn't have you guys, my numbers would be anywhere near as interesting.) And if you consider I've been screwed over by Blogs of Note, it's more than acceptable.

So - 12,000 visits, 942 posts.... that's almost 13 of you reading each post. Since I know that you can't possibly read every post, (I'll admit, some of them are kinda shitty) I'm willing to cut you some slack.

I could whore myself out for new readers, but is it really worth compromising my morals? (Quit laughing - I have morals.) What's the point? It's not like I'm getting paid for this. If I could make money off bitching and irreverent thoughts, it'd be a dream come true.

Whatever it is I'm trying to say, it all boils down to this: Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening. Thanks for not ratting me out to the Feds.

Tell your friends, I'm here all week.
(Like a lousy lounge act.)




Later.

16 Wins...

It all starts tomorrow.

The 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs begin, and I'm much more excited about it than I was 365 days ago.

Why?

My team's in it this year.

See, last year the Avs missed making the playoffs by one point. I still enjoyed watching them, but my heart really wasn't in it. I was even forced to cheer for the Canucks during the playoffs last year. (Thank God that didn't last past the second round.)

I'd really like to see an Avalanche - Canadiens final.

The Sidekick and I would have some good wagering on that. (Yes, he's a Habs fan and yet I still hang out with him.) We'd wager in the only currancy that matters: DVDs.

I can't wait.



Later.

Old Men Smell Like Pee...

And 19 other things I've learned from the Grocery Business.

1. Nutrition Labels are the equivalent of modern-day Hieroglyphics. Some people claim they know how to read them, but they are just as clueless as the rest of us.


2. Sodium is to Food as Nitrogen is to the Atmosphere. That shit's everywhere.


3. It doesn't matter when you close or when you open, it's either not late enough or not early enough - take your pick.


4. The phrase "The Customer's always right" should be stricken from the public record. The Customer barely knows what they are talking about, and given free reign, would surely hurt themselves.


5. Just when you think you've got a job any idiot can do, you meet some of the fellows I work with.


6. Asparagus makes your pee smell awesome.


7. Repeated entrance and exit from the Main Freezer will make you have to pee. (Repeated snacking in the Produce cooler leads you to the previous statement.)
   


8. Cashiers know every aspect of the lives of Hollywood stars. They have to stare at those fucking magazines all day long.


9. Old women want two things from any Grocery store - Food & someone to talk to. Whether or not that talk is social or just bitching depends on the old woman.


10. Bread Drivers are the lowest rung on the delivery-truck ladder. Don't ask me why - they just are. If I die and come back as a lower form of life, it'll be as a Bread Driver. (Bad Karma, I guess.)


11. There's a wonderful symmetry to a wall of 12-pk cases of Coca-Cola. (Wait, no there isn't. I've been working here too long.)


12. The closer a child is to it's mother, and the more insignificant the item said child wants - the louder the child will scream.


13. ..And the more the mother will ignore it.


14. The more I see the lady who makes it, the less I want the potato salad from the Deli.


15. We all have one thing in common. It's not the belief in a higher power, or a common gene. It's that everyone, no matter who, wipes thier ass. Trust me, we have a whole aisle dedicated to toilet paper. It's a fact.


16. If you want to piss off an employee in a Grocery Store, push in all the cans on the bottom shelf of the canned food aisle. Just nudge them with your foot. They are such a pain in the ass to straighten up that they'll be cursing you for hours.


17. Eggos are now approximately the size of a loonie, and the price has gone nowhere but up. I figure at this rate you'll ask me for a box of Eggos, I'll punch you in the face, you'll say thank you and hand me $35.


18. Security cameras that always look down are great for cleavage shots, but horrible to review your breakdancing moves on.


19. There are people who pay with cash, and people who pay with debit. Those who want to combine the two in any way, shape, or form should be taken out to the loading bay and beaten with a Dairy Hook.

Later.

Liquor Up Front, Poker In The Rear.

It's Poker Night again.

I'm really hoping to do better than I did last time.

It's not that I did bad - I don't regret any of the calls I made, and was beat out by better hands. Since then, I've done really well wherever I've played, (online or in real life) so I hope it carries over. I just have to get a run going again at this game, and maybe change up my style a bit.

Wish me luck.

And wishing me Aces would help, too.


Later.

Hard Day's Night.

It's not going to be a pleasant weekend.

We're doing some spring cleaning at work, and it's a bit of a bitch. Tonight I had to dismantle and remove a bunch of (really heavy) stuff, and when I go back in the morning, I get the joy of putting it all back. (It's either Janitors or Leprechauns doing the cleaning, I forget which.)

Yay Me!

It's not a totally bad thing. The main complaint about tomorrow is that it's going to add to my already busy day. I can see myself skipping my coffee break, that's for sure.

I'll suck it up though, 'cause that's the type of guy I am.

And then I'll come here and bitch.

Isn't this arrangement wonderful?



Later.

Training Tools.

There's just over two weeks left in the weight-loss competition I'm in, and I've got a bit of a problem: I've hit a plateau. (And I'm not talking about a geological formation.)

I've gone from losing 4-6 pounds a week to only losing 1.5 to 2. Any progress is good progress, but to make sure I win this thing I'd like to ramp it up over the next couple of weeks.

I could tighten up on the diet a bit more, and maybe increase my intensity when doing weights - but I think I've stumbled upon the perfect way to get the results I want in the shortest amount of time: a montage.



If it worked for Gary, It'll work for me.




Later.

(And in case you are wondering - no, The Sidekick is not my real-life Spottswoode.)

Comeback

Remember yesterday, when I said I couldn't wait to get back to work?

Somebody slap me for saying that.

When I walked into my section today, I was astonished. It looked horrible . I liken it to the picture to your right. (Although I may be exaggerating a bit.) It took me about 3 hours just to get everything back to the way I like it.

Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe I should relax my standards just a bit. Maybe I should take my pen and stab it through the eye of the fucker who let it get this way. (I'm inclined to go with the third option.)

I'll take my frustrations out on the individual when I see them in a couple of days. I'll have cooled down by then, so I don't think we'll need a Doctor on standby. (Maybe just some gauze.)

Tomorrow all will be right with the world - and I can pretend it's my first day back.

Won't it be wonderful?



Later.

Housebound.

One of The Boys isn't feeling well.

It sucks, but what can you do?

He's taking it well enough, and his brother doesn't care where he is, (as long as he can demolish and build stuff, he's happy.) but it makes the day drag on when you are stuck in the house.

I've cleaned, started prepping for dinner, done laundry, and even watched more Transformer cartoons in one sitting than I thought possible.

And it sucks.

I'm looking forward to going back to work - just to get out of the house.



Later.

Scream.

I don't scare easily.

But when I sit down to play some Poker while The Boys are napping, and I feel a touch on my neck - it creeps me out.

When I go to scratch it, and it turns out to be a spider - I scream like a little girl.

It could have been a radioactive spider, bent on giving me powers to fight crime with, but it didn't matter. I swatted that bastard to the floor and put the boot to it. (The fact that I had to run and get a boot makes me even less of a man.)

Fuck this shit - I'm going outside.
At least they can't sneak up on me out there.




Later