Directional Disagreement.

Just so you know, I've lived in the same town for almost 25 years. As such, I've driven almost every road around here at least twice - possibly even sober both times.

So no matter where I'm headed, I know at least two or sometimes three ways to get there - the quick route, the scenic route, and the route to take to avoid possible roadblocks.

This is usually a bonus, except when I'm driving with my Wife.

You see, she has lived in this town longer than I have, and we've had our licenses for about the same amount of time - meaning she has just as much experience on the roads around here as I do. For some reason, whenever I'm in the passenger seat, I seem to forget that fact.

It's not that I'm a backseat driver - I don't tell her where to go - what I tend to do is question why she took a particular route to get wherever we are going. (That's different, right?)

Whatever way she chooses to take to somewhere, I'm always able to point out a couple of ways that I think would have been better - maybe better is a bad word - just ways that would have saved us time & gas. (Who needs to save those?)

In a perfect world, my lips and vocal chords would stop working the minute I sat on the right side of the car. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world.

At first, we used to have "discussions" about the path she chose to take - I have to consider myself lucky that by now she just ignores me.

I think today was finally the day that I learned my lesson. After being stuck behind some slow moving asshole for about 10 minutes the Wife decided to take a different way home. As she pulled off the highway, she passed the road that would have had us home in about 5 minutes - I turned to her, she looked at me, and I just said "What a douche that guy was, eh?"

I should get a fucking medal. (and it should probably be mouth-shaped, to cover the hole that gets me in the most trouble.)



Later.

Shock & Awe.

In doing errands today, I became convinced that my vehicle hates me.

It's not anything mechanically wrong with it - it's been a trooper in that department - it was the fact that every time I got out of the car, it shocked me.

Get out at Home Depot? Zap.
Get out at the Library? Zap.
Get out at the Mall? Zap.
Home? Zap.

No matter where I touched the door, or what I did before getting out, it zapped me. It was becoming so bad that I actually considered being like the Dukes of Hazzard and jump through the window. (I would have totally been Bo Duke - Luke always came off as kinda skeezy.)

I persevered, though. Ain't no door going to ruin my holidays.

...just ignore the rubber gloves if you see me tomorrow. (It's fashionable, okay?)

Later.

Change it Up.

Since my foot is still an issue, I've switched from Running to Biking in an effort to get my cardio fix in - it's not too bad, but there are some differences I've noticed:

1. It's easier on the feet, but tougher on the balls.
2. As a runner, it seems to me that cars tend to give you a wide berth - on a bike, it's like cars fucking hate you.
3. The plus with riding a bike is that the breeze cools you off - the downside would be the sweat gushing out of every pore the minute I stop.
4. I don't know about you, but I don't have to wear a helmet when I run, so getting used to that is going to be a bitch. (If you do wear a helmet while you run, I suggest you join a different running club - you may have inadvertently signed up for the Special Olympics.)
5. Going downhill on a bike? Waaaaay fucking easier on your quads.
6. I think I'm going to need gloves as the grips on the bike are hurting my palms - and I really need those. (I gotta take care of what takes care of me, right?)
7. It's hard to appreciate female bikers like female runners. Same amount of spandex, but the women on bikes are all hunched over..
8. Did I mention it hurts my balls? 

No matter the differences, I kind of like the change - and even when my foot feels better and I can start logging miles again, it's still going to be part of my routine.

I'll just make sure to take the helmet off if I'm riding the bike in the gym.




Later.

I Feel...

- That it is hard to feel bad for someone's sunburn when they show you how bad it is by pulling out a boob.
- That the best way to start your day is with cleavage. (See above)
- That as much as I love egg salad, I feel guilty eating it, as I know the people around me will be paying the price later.
- That knowing I start holidays in less than 4 hours makes being at work seem like cruel & unusual punishment. (Come see where I work, and you'll understand the "unusual" tag.)
- That somehow, the word "trickling" sounds just a bit dirty.
- That just because I work with a guy who wants to be a hero doesn't mean I have to be the villian.
- That listening to an extremely unattractive woman talk about the kinky hotel-room sex she had the other night makes me wish I would have reconsidered the egg salad.
- That if it wasn't for the haphazard personal grooming back then, I think I would have liked the 70's.
- That even the Nazi's had Grammar Nazis.
- That once you've made a Nazi joke, you really have no where else to go.
- That I've come to the conclusion that everybody bitches, hardly anyone is happy, and all they do is whine.
- That I have a blog for all those things, so it makes me better than them.

Later.

The Whole Story.

I tweeted the other day about a Telemarketer telling me to fuck off. After making such an outrageous claim, I was rightfully called to task by one of my friends who said, and I quote, "Blog post or it didn't happen."

Since he is the Master of Messing with Telemarketers, my story will not compare in the least to any of his - but it still felt like an accomplishment.

- So I'm at home the other day, playing with the Boys, and the phone rings. The call display flashes "Illinois" and I automatically know it's a Telemarketer, but for some reason I pick up anyway.

Normally I don't care about Telemarketers, I usually give them a minute or so to start their story and then cut them off politely and ask to not be on their list again. Most of the ones that I get are calling for charities, so there's no point in giving them a hard time.

However, this one was a scam call. You may have heard of it - they call you at home, say they are from Microsoft or whatever and that your computer is infected and sending out personal information. They then try to instruct you to sign on to their website and download something to protect yourself. 

Maybe it's because I'm a geek, maybe it's because I don't like to see people be targeted because of their ignorance in regards to technology - but this type of scam just passes me off. It's not like that "Nigerian Prince" scam - where your own greed and stupidity is your downfall - it's targeting innocent people who just want to protect their personal information.

For some reason, as soon as he started talking and I realized what the scam was, I lost it. I interrupted him, and basically started ripping into him.

What were my words, exactly? Looking back, its hard to say, because when I get rambling, its hard to stop. I started out with how I thought that what they do or are trying do is fucking sick, and that praying upon people's ignorance is for losers and people without a conscience. (I know, me talking about conscience is funny, right?) I then said that it doesn't matter if it is his company or not, but questioned if it made him feel like a "fucking superhero" to trick old people and anyone who doesn't know better. I then asked if I could call his mother's house and see if she was proud of what her "fucking loser child" does.

Pretty sure that's what did it - the Mom comment - because right after that, he said "Fuck You" and hung up on me. My only disappointment was that it didn't last longer. (I now know how my wife feels.)

So that's the whole story.

Not as glamourous or funny as the type of stuff you usually read about, but it felt good anyways. I'm pretty sure they won't call back again, but if they do, I've been browsing Urban Dictionary and have some really good phrases to use next time.

Kinda hoping they do call...

Later.

Customer Service Can Suck My Dick.

I'd just like to start by saying that not every customer I encounter in my day to day work are assholes - most are great, some are outstanding. This blog post is not about either of those two groups.

I have no problem dealing with the general public. However, there are traits that some display which, for lack of a better phrase, fucking pissing me off.

What could possibly trigger such a change from my normally sunny disposition, you ask? Let me explain:

- Learn to fucking read. If you can't understand the sign that is directly in front of the product, how is that my fault? Should I sit down and have a reading comprehension session with you just so you understand that it's 2/$5?

- Be Polite. I see hundreds of people a day wandering around with that "Looking for something" look on thier face - please don't freak at me if I ask if you need help finding something - it's part of my job, I do want to help, and if you're a douchebag I hope you never find that Preparation H you were looking for, dick.

- Respect My Answer. If I tell you that we're sold out of the bread you are looking for and that the truck is due in two hours, please don't ask the cashier at the front the same thing. Do you know who she's going to ask? Me. And I just fucking told you.

- Be Reasonable. Is there any food business in Canada that will let you walk around their place with no shoes on? I know we are in the "laid back" area of town, but really, how hard is it to wear shoes? (I'm thinking thumbtacks on the floor just to be an ass about this one.)

-Acknowledge Me. I'm asked by my boss to say "Hi" and speak to customers when I see them. You could do your part by at least recognizing that I spoke to you, and don't act like some mute fuck who doesn't speak to "The Help".

- Help Me Help You. I know you may think that just throwing you're basket of groceries on the counter is helping me, but making me unpack, scan, and then bag your shit just slows the whole process down. This also goes for bringing your own bags - if I've already bagged half the order and then you tell me you don't want plastic and your bags are in your car, I will fucking stab you. (Not really, but I'll be thinking it behind my smile.)

- Be Reasonable (pt 2). Understand that there are things I can't control, despite my god-like Grocery Manger powers. So getting mad at me because a truck that delivers to us is 3 hours late dropping off the Newspapers doesn't really do anything except make you look like a schmuck, and make me want to slap people who look like schmucks.

I know it's a lengthy list, but it can be summed up in just four words: Don't Be An Idiot. If you can follow that, then you and I will get along just fine.

Later.

Questionable Content.

So far today I have eaten:

- 1 Banana
- 1 Peanut Butter toast
- 2 Egg salad wraps
- 1 Apple
- 3 cups of coffee. (Big cups - I don't fuck around when it comes to coffee.)

They way I look at it, the Egg Salad is TNT, the Toast, Fruit and Peanut Butter are C-4, and the Coffee is gasoline on the gut-bomb that is building in my stomach. (I can feel the gurgle-urgle down there already.)

I hope I don't sneeze when I get back from lunch - I'll either explode or shit myself - neither is a desirable result.

Later.

Long, Green, and Lean.

..and I'm not talking about the Green Giant's dick.

I'm a huge fan of cucumbers. They are my go-to vegetable when it comes to pretty much anything - salads, sandwiches, even just plain snacking. Crisp, light, tasty - cucumbers have it all.

And yet the first guy to see me eating a cucumber sandwich on my lunch makes dick jokes about it. Now if I was dipping it in mayo and trying to cram it down my throat, I could see the joke - but really, where do you get a dick joke from a sandwich?

I would have pulled out my leftover cucumber and smacked him with it, but that would have just perpetuated the stereotype.

Much like Randall from Clerks 2, I've found a cause I believe in, and I'm taking it back. Persecute a cucumber eater at your own peril.

Viva la Cucumber!

Later.

The Grocery Store has a Dirty Mind.

After all my years in the Grocery business, I've come to realize that companies don't really take common slang into account when naming their products.

I know it's probably just my twisted frame of mind, but I always chuckle when I'm working some of these products:

- Stand 'n Stuff Tacos - This one pretty much explains itself.
- Cock Brand Sauce - Really? At least it's not white.
- Clam Nectar - I imagine this tastes nothing like I think it would.
- Mixed Nut Butter - And what do you spread it with? (ewww)
- Power Stick (Pepperoni) - Meat that gives you energy? I've been trying to sell the Wife on that concept for years!
- Dutch Crunch (sounds kinky) - I'm tempted to type this into Urban Dictionary, just to see if something's there.
- Manwich (kinda Gay) - I'm surprised the can isn't packaged in rainbows.

There's way more than that, but that is all I could recall on short notice.

So next time you see some guy chuckling to himself in the can foods asile, come up and say hi - it's probably me.

Later.

Swinging My Stick.

I got a chance to go out golfing the other day.

It's been over a year since I last golfed, and I jumped at the chance to go with some of the guys from work when it was offered.

Here's some of the things I noticed after being away from the links for a year:

- My game is still pretty much the same - shitty. I lose more balls than a group of lepers at a men's club.

- Used to be that beer cart girls were about a 10 or 11 - the economy must be killing the course, 'cause ours rated about a 4. Buck teeth, acne, and a voice like a screeching owl did make me want to drink more to dull the pain, so maybe their plan worked...

- The best part of being out is enjoying the pristine beauty of nature - and tearing it up doing donuts in the cart.

- Next to Poker, golf is the only game when you can openly and immediately mock your friend's performance. Out-driving another guy is almost as sweet as taking their money.

- Golf is one of the only sports where no one understands why you laughed because a guy is wearing a sunvisor.

- If I sold one of my children, I could almost afford a membership at the local course. (He's a ginger, so I wouldn't get much.)

- Beer just tastes better on the course.

All in all, I had a great time, and realized how much I miss getting out on a regular basis. (I miss the game too, not just the drinking.) The Sidekick and I used to go hit the links quite a bit - it was a pleasure to text him and rub it in when I was out this time.

His envious replies were almost as satisfactory as sinking a putt. (Almost.)

Later.

Dirty Mind Marketing.

I was talking to someone yesterday at work, and out of the blue, they turned to me and said "You've seen that new banned Skittles commercial, right?" .

When I said that I had seen something about it on Reddit, (a site I waste waaay to much time on) but hadn't actually seen it, they went on for the next 5 minutes about how much I'd like it.

( I would link it here, but it kept getting pulled off YouTube, so just go find it yourself - I'm not your Mom.)

I went home and checked it out, and they were right - I laughed my ass off. As we were chuckling about it this morning, someone said they were amazed that Skittles even let that commercial be made, seeing as they couldn't air it.

Now I'm not sure if Skittles did make it or not, but if they didn't, they should have. The copy that I saw was over 200 thousand views, and it hadn't even been up that long. That's a huge number of people who sat down and actually watched the commercial for your product. With having a Pvr at home, I can barely recall the last time I even more than glanced at a commercial. (Fast forward, y'all.)

So that commercial served its purpose completely. People who probably don't watch commercials actively seeked it out, just to see what the hubbub was about. (Just to say, the dialogue was great, and the Skittles money shot is fantastic.) I don't even like Skittles, and now I'm writing about them.

So kudos to Skittles, (or whomever made it) and even though they weren't the first to use sex to sell something, at least they were fresh and bold with what they did. I'm sure that other companies will soon follow suit.

At least I hope so - I'm dying to see someone sexify Paper Towel. (Don't ask why.)

Later.

Thank You.

Dear Sunshine, Dear Inventor of the Bikini top, Dear Lulemon, Dear Cut off Jeans Girl, Dear G&T, Dear Internet, Dear Running Shoes, Dear Sundress Girl:

I just wanted to say thanks. Can't get into specifics right now, but I'd like you to know I appreciate everything you do/are. The enjoyment you bring to my life is immeasurable.

Later.

Fab Recognition.

My job is like a Beatles fan club meeting.

Some days you're like John, admired for your wit and talent.

Some days you're like Paul, praised for your creativity and sincerity.

Some days you're like George, and lauded for your technical expertise and focus.

And every other day you are Ringo.

Sucks, eh?

Later.

Hero.

Let me tell you about Hero.

Hero (not his real name) is a guy I work with, and although you can't see the cape, I'm pretty sure he believes it's there, streaming majestically behind him as he goes about his day.

What irritates me about Hero (and the reason for the name), is that he will do or say practically anything to be viewed as the "good guy" at work. Need a day off and there's no one to cover? Hero will let you have it, even if it means the rest of the staff are fucked in your absence - as long as he looks good to you. He'll even tell people, after the fact, what he could have done for them if only he had known.

Hero always plays it casual. (Nothing bothers Superman,right?) He plays like getting upset about any work-related thing is waaay out of line, and that nothing ever bothers him. This blasé attitude really hasn't endeared him to myself or others. (Fuck, dude, at least Batman gets mad sometimes.)

I've realized that there's no point in calling Hero on his bullshit either - he just slips the Hero cape on, tells you what he thinks you want to hear, toes the line for a couple of days, and then resumes his retarded behavior. The powers that be choose to let it happen because "That's just how he is". (I guess they think he's from Kyrpton, so it's fine.)

As a person, I have no problems with Hero - we're actually alike in a lot of ways - it is just the "wanting to please everyone" attitude that bugs me. With the job and responsibilities we have, you just can't everyone what they want.

I know that short of kyrptonite, there's not much that can be done to change the behavior, and since I haven't seen any meteors crash near here, I'm shit out of luck.

I guess I'll just be patient and be grateful that it's just an imaginary Hero cape, and that he's not busting out the tights as well.

That would be too much.

Later.

Dear 18 Year Old Me:

I'm sending this to you from THE FUTURE!

Right now, I'm 39, and I thought I'd reach back into the past and give you some tidbits of advice that might make your life a bit easier in the coming years. I can't tell you anything that's incredibly life altering (Skynet won't let me.), but you can help me out now by following these instructions:

•  As tasty as they are, put the donut DOWN. Seriously - believe me on this.
• Quit smoking - Both you and I know that you look incredibly cool with a smoke and a beer in your hand, but I can tell you that eventually you'll be quitting anyway, and in 2011 everyone thinks smokers look like idiots.
• Don't buy anything on cassettes or CD's - mooch off your friends if you have to. There's going to be a couple of format changes coming down the pipe, and why buy it all again?
• As crazy as it sounds - start running. You'll find that you like it, and if you get a good foundation now, my times will improve. I'll be the fastest 39 year-old around.
• Stretch - those dirty hippies talking about yoga? They're onto something.
• As soon as you can, get High Speed Internet. Don't ask me what the fucking Internet is - just remember and get it when it's available. P.S. Dial up is not high speed.
• Don't give up on Pearl Jam - you'll regret it.
• What did I tell you about that fucking donut? DOWN, dammit!
• Go see more Movies. Good movies - and Firefox doesn't count as a good movie.
• Make friends with a nerd. if he tells you he's thinking of writing software for a startup in California or being an engineer for gas companies, he's your new best friend.
• I can't remember if you're wearing them now, but switch to boxer briefs. Sooo much more comfortable, and way better than that silk boxer-thing ya got going on now.
• Don't quit hockey - go back.
• Learn to type. I know it sounds gay, but do it. You would have received this letter way earlier if I had learned to type properly. (That grade 8 typing class we got kicked out of? Who knew?)
• Those vegetable things on the side of the plate? Eat 'em. 
• If I have to mention the Donut again, I'll spoil what happens to your cat.

I know your sitting scratching your head through that luxurious mane of hair that you have, but as strange as it seems, I do know what I'm talking about. There's going to be a lot of shit going down in the next 21 years, and hopefully this will make it a lot easier on both of us. I'd love to give you stock tips and hints on the next 21 Hockey seasons (The Jets are back, baby!), but it would be too much change and we'd both be fucked.

Do what I said, don't be lazy, and keep wrapping it up.




Later.


...and quit with the donuts, already - I wasn't fucking kidding.

p.s. Totally kidding about that Skynet thing.

Over Rambled.

I seem to be a pretty popular guy - at least today, that is.

It seems that since I've come to work today, I've had more people wanting to talk to me about random shit than anything even closely work related.

Some of the things I've had people talk to me about today:

- Holiday plans.
- Gardening (and I have the blackest thumb EVER)
- Ripped pants.
- Monkeys (Dont even ask)
- Government of Canada letting Vancouver Island be its own Province. (Complete nutjob had this idea.)

I'm not sure why these people chose to talk to me about this shit, but even with cutting each conversation short and putting on my "scowl" face, listening to their crap seemed to drain valuable seconds off my life.

I should make note that these topics weren't short and quick, either, they were painful. The "Holiday" one, for instance, wasn't just "I'm going on Holidays!", it was an extended explanation of the itinerary for what appears (at least to me,) to be the most boring vacation ever.

But still, this person felt the need to to tell me.

Maybe it's phermones or something. Maybe I was giving off the "I give a shit" vibe.

..I'm going to have to work on that.

Later.

Run, Fatboy, Run.

These are the things I learned on my run today:

• With the amount I sweat, there's no chance of any headphones staying securely in my ears unless I use Superglue and clamps.
• A five-year-old on a bike is not the best choice to pace you.
• The attention span of said five-year-old is about the same as an teenager with ADD after 6 energy drinks.
• After not running for weeks, that first mile is painful.
• So is every other mile after the first.
• After not running for weeks, you notice things that jiggle - things that didn't jiggle the last time you ran.
• These jiggles distract you from the pain of running - hopefully, by the time the jiggles are gone, so is the pain.
• Dog shit is everywhere.
• The track sucks.
• There is nothing greater after a run than a hot shower.
• I just realized I'm crazy enough to do it all again tomorrow.

Later.

I Feel:

- That no matter which way the rest of this summer plays out, be it drought or downpour, Al Gore will sit back and say "Told you."

- That since I just faxed a blank piece of paper to an order desk, I should be less judgmental on who I call a "retard".

- That I want to compete in the Tour de France - just because blood doping sounds so neat.

- That I would look much like the Michelen Man if you squeezed me into bike gear.

- That if I were to win the lottery, a good portion of my life thereafter would be spent attending concerts. (Would Dave Grohl consider that stalking?)

- That instead of typing "my", my phone autocorrected to "KY"... which means I'm either texting about Kentucky or lube more often than myself.

- P.s. I don't know anyone in Kentucky.

- That some people's Social Filter are either set to "Low" or "Off", and the rest of us suffer the consequences.

- That the previous statement doesn't apply to me of course.

Later.

Shore 'Nuff.

Why would you watch Jersey Shore, when you could just go to the zoo and watch monkeys fuck and throw shit at each other?

Someone please explain it to me.

Or maybe I'd rather not know.

Later.

Caffeinated Disaster.

- Ode to my spilled cup of coffee.

Your passing was a shock,
One I care not to repeat.
You've left me feeling empty,
And staring at my feet.

I see you everywhere I look,
There's no escaping you.
Looking at the shattered remains,
I'm lost without a clue.

I had such great plans for us,
Together through the night.
But now that's been ripped away,
And all that's left is blight.

A blight upon the counter,
And all over the door -
Oh curse my clumsy elbow,
That knocked you to the floor.

I didn't mean to do it,
I just couldn't stop.
There's no way to replace you,
Short of wringing out the mop.

I know they just won't get,
Just what you meant to me.
Where I see hope & joy & love,
They just see coffee.

- I think we should have a moment of silence and contemplate what could have been.

.........

Thanks.

Later.

MidlifeRamblers Episode 7: Mastery of the Geek Haiku.

Oh yeah, we ramble on about Transformers too. (And everything else in our worldview, too.)




Later.

I ♥ Dave Grohl.

....just another reason to show the Foo Fighters (and by inclusion, Dave) some love.

Best Line Ever - "You don't come to my show and fight - you come to my show and fucking dance, you asshole!"




He can do no wrong.



Later.

Calling an Audible.

When you call the Workplace, you will generally be greeted by 1 of 3 ladies who work in the office area and handle the majority of calls.

They will then get on our intercom system and announce who the call is for and what line to pick up.

These women each have a very distinct sound to their voice, and I can only describe them as The Wheezer, The Nazi, and The Porn Star.

The Wheezer has the most nasal voice I've ever heard. That, combined with the fact that she holds her mouth so close to the phone that you can hear the exaltation of each breath, makes it seem more like an obscene phone call from the Geek Squad than an announcement.

The Nazi, believe it or not, is actually a French-Canadian woman. Unfortunately her accent and incredibly abrupt and bitchy tone make it seem like she'd be more comfortable paging Mr.Goebbels to the camp gate than me to Line 2.

The Porn Star is my age, and I believe that she believes she could possibly be the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. It's the only reason I can find that she would answer every call and announce each page in the same sultry tone as Marilyn singing "Happy Birthday" to JFK. She sounds like a retired phone sex operator who's just doing it to keep busy on the weekends.

Needless to say, everytime I hear the telltale "ping" before an announcement comes over the speaker a part of me looks forward to see who it's going to be and the other part covers it's ears and wishes for the peacefulness of public radio to return.

....and we all know how I feel about public radio.

Later.

Shameful Eating.

What I had on lunch today:

- Coffee
- Pepperoni Cheese Puff
- Chicken Salad
- 2 Mini Donuts
- 1 piece of Pepperoni.
- Handful of Cashews.

Don't fucking judge me - I feel fat enough on my own.

Later.

P.s. Cashews autocorrected to "Cashiers" ...that would be a COMPLETELY different lunch.

Sunday Observance Pt 2.

To continue with my rant about the Sunday Funnies:

- Zack Hill: This is the comic that made me want to write this in the first place. The art sucks, the story is horrible, and it seems to have just become about what witty shit the dog says. (And it's not clever-funny, either - it doesn't even register on the scale.)

- Dog Eat Doug: Attention Zack Hill - this is how you make a comic with a dog as a central character. While not always incredibly entertaining, at least I don't feel number for having read it.

- Rudy Park: Coffee, technology, and bitchy old people complaining about not understanding society? Works for me.

- Hagar: Really? They still draw this one? I figured they just reprinted it over and over because almost every joke is the fucking same! It get it - he's a Viking who's a slob..uh, ok? Today was special because it ended with the wife a daughter realizing they belong in the kitchen. (Thanks 1940!)

- Luann: Dear Luann: Please read Zits and learn what funny is. Dear Luann Artist: For chissakes, learn to draw a face.

- Garfield: Enough already - just stop. Hasn't been funny since I was 3.

- Dilbert: I used to hate this comic. I found it utterly inane and pointless. Now I visualize Bish workin in the sweatshop, and I laugh my ass off. (Sorry Bish.)

In closing this rant, you can see that there is some good and some bad to be had in the Sunday Funnies. Okay, mostly bad - but I must be a glutton for punishment, because I keep coming back. I guess when you're raised on them, its hard to break the addiction. (Just like heroin!)

Later.

P.s. Please kill Zack Hill - seriously. My 8 year old could draw, and my 5 year old could write, better material.

Temptation.

As usual, I'm on lunch at work right now, and there's trouble brewing.

What trouble could happen on a lunch hour, you ask?

First, get your mind out of the gutter, I'm not talking about that.

The trouble I'm referring to involves the fact that there's chocolate cake in the fridge right now.

CHOCOLATE FUCKING CAKE.

And there's even a note attached to it - "Help Yourself".

What kind of sick individual would do something like that? Why would they mess with my head?

Do you realize how tempting that is? That's like putting water in front of a duck, except there's acid in the water, and the duck knows there's acid, but he still wants to swim in that cool fucking water, and flap his little ducky wings and enjoy himself.

You see what I mean? (Re-reading that, even I don't know what I meant.)

I'm just going to pretend it isn't there. I'll just ignore it. I'll ignore every sugary slice, every morsel of tasty chocolate.

After all, it worked for the duck.

Later.

Poetry at Work.

I think that I should never work,
With midgets, clowns, or random jerks.
I know that I would rage away,
And not do any work those days.

The rage would not be at the clowns,
Who tumble, bumble, and sometimes frown.
Those merry makers are kinda neat,
With ugly hats and floppy feet.

And midgets, if I can call them that,
Certainly deserve no flak.
And they would not get any from me,
Less they hurt me at my knees.

But it's the random jerks you see,
Who fill me up with rage daily.
They are such goddamn fucking pricks,
That I would punch them in the dick.

A dick-punch, you say? How rude, how crass,
But easier than kissing ass.
For these jerks do not seem to see,
That retail is not slavery.

Mine is not the part to play,
Granter of their wish-per-day.
I have a service that fills a need,
And it isn't to do their shallow deeds.

I wish the day would come to soon,
That someone would please make me swoon.
And take the random jerks away,
To somewhere far from my gaze.

But I'll be patient and I'll wait,
Until that very special date.
And I'll hold back that special dick-punch,
Because my story is over, I'm back from lunch.

Later.

Fourteen Hundred.

1400 posts.

That's a lot of bullshit over the last 7 years. (I'm not saying it's all shit, but the amount of times I talk about my penis is rather startling.) When asked what I write about, I find it difficult to describe - I'd say that it's the contents of my mind filtered only by my limited vocabulary and the time needed to write it down.

It just occurred to me that digitally, I'm like Jack from Fight Club - except instead of my ramblings taking up hundreds of paper journals in a run down house on Paper Street, it would all fit neatly on a USB drive that could be flushed down a Campbellton toilet. (That doesn't say much for what I think of the quality of my writing.)

It's always nice to hit a milestone - but I only noticed when I logged in and saw the post count number, and decided to write about that.

What was my other topic, you ask? Take a guess - it's either extensionalism or my dick - with this place, you never know.


Later.

Cinematic Recollection.

I watched "National Lampoon's Vacation" last night, and there were moments when the 1983 classic took me back to being a 12 year old boy again.

Sure, there was Christie Brinkley - the car, the hair, the strip tease with Chevy Chase by the pool - all great scenes. But the part that takes me back the most is Beverly D'Angelo in the shower - pretty sure they were the first pair of boobs I ever saw on the big screen.

My reaction to them wasn't what it was back then (boner alert!), but I enjoyed the memory nonetheless.

The other scene that amazed me was Chevy's f-bomb laced rant to his family in the car. The younger me must have blocked it from memory, but the older me can certainly relate.

Later.

Sunday Observance, Pt. 1

Dear Sunday Funnies:

Having been a loyal reader of yours for years, I've become accustomed to a certain level of quality in your product. As of late, I have noticed a distinct drop in what I would consider "funny".

If I may, I'd like to give you a rundown of the paper, and give you some general feedback to do with as you wish:

- Zits: This is a great way to start the funnies section - good comic, sometimes not 100% on the laugh-o-meter, but relevant to many generations of readers.

- Get Fuzzy: Fucking brilliant - never change this comic or I will hunt you and possibly commit some sort of painful...thing, something that I'm not willing to describe right now.

- Grand Avenue: Today's comic was about back pain. Let me repeat that - BACK PAIN. What's next in this Grandmother comic? Something funny about gout? Maybe a rib-tickler covering menopause?

- Sherman's Lagoon: I have to admit that I kinda like this one. There's something about dumb sharks, greedy crabs, and passive-aggressive turtles that just works.

- Heart of the City: If you could get this comic to just be about the funny/nerdy friend, and skip all the single mom/eccentric girl bullshit, it would be good.

- Baby Blues: As a parent, I find this comic amusing. Also as a parent, I find that if these were my kids there would be a lot more comics about smacking the kids around.

- One Big Happy: What? Another parent/kid/grandparents comic? How original! And look! This one is just like the others - shitty! Lippy girl, snarky boy, absent parents - where's the humor again?

- Rose is Rose: This comic tries to be so feel-good and cutesy that the only way I can even glance at it is to imagine that what we are being shown is all the random imagined realities of the title character as she is locked away in some asylum. (At first I thought Meth-head, but then realized anyone that messed up would probably be locked away.)

- The Other Coast: You know that comic that tries to hard and fails? Sometimes, you can appreciate that. This is not that comic. The fail is there, alright, but I don't think the try is even on the map.

- Mutts: This comic has two gears - stupid and even more stupid.

- Rhymes With Orange: I have to give this one credit - it tries very hard to fill that "Far Side" void. It doesn't do it very well, but at least the effort is there, right?

- Tina's Groove: The guy-who-deals-with-customers in me loves this comic - purely for being able to relate. However, the guy-who-knows-what's-funny in me hates every mind-numbing moment.

- Pearls Before Swine: I'll give the Sidekick credit - he was onto this way before me. Sometimes it falls flat, but mostly it's gold.

- Tundra: Tries waaaaay to hard to be "Far Side". Good thing there are 3 comics in its group, because 2 of them usually suck.

And that's only half the section - there's sooooo much more to get into - but since its God's day of rest and not mine, I have to go back to work. But believe me, I'll cover the other half next Sunday.

Later.

-

Prophetic Disagreement.

I'm calling it now.

I'm making a prediction, and I'm sticking by my guns.

The radio station at work is playing their "Canada Day Long Weekend Countdown" of the 500 greatest "hits" of all time, and while I can't predict what song they will have selected to lead the pack, there is one thing I can predict:

Whatever song they have as #1, I'll pretty much disagree with it - just based on the fact that public radio doesn't no what the fuck they are talking about.

My one joy would be the off chance that they pick U2, for the simple fact that I know the Sidekick would lose his shit if Bono was picked first in anything.

Thanks in advance, public radio, I know you won't let me down.

Later.

Freedom.

As much as I love my kids, last night/this morning was a shock.

The Sister-in-Law had the boys for a sleep-over last night, and while that's nothing new, it usually happens when I work early the next day, so I don't get to reap the benefits of a morning to myself.

This morning was different.

Got up, had coffee, shower, etc, and then got to actually sit and watch the morning news without anyone climbing all over me or demanding my attention. It was a teasing reminder of what life was like before kids.

I'm glad I got to enjoy it, because they will be back tonight.

....and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Later.

Driving Me Crazy.

Fuck me, summer's here.

I know the weather outside doesn't show it, but to many people, once the kids are out of school it's summer.

I can sure tell it's here, based solely on my drive to and from work.

I know the Sidekick and those of you who live in the big city may scoff, but for it to take me more than 15 minutes to drive to work is absolutely retarded.

Today was almost 25.

Now in the city, I can understand that traffic problems are caused by simple volume and time of day, and I can accept that. Here, however, the main traffic delays are just because some idiot is driving along looking at the ocean or almost anything else but paying attention to what he's doing.

It's maddening.

I really think that the time has come for every vehicle to have a hands-free phone, and said phone could be called by dailing the licence plate.

That way I could call the asshole in front of me, tell him to fucking pay attention, push that little pedal on the right, and maybe I can get somewhere TODAY.

See? Problem solved.
All it would take is a bit of communication. (With extreme prejudice.)

I know - imma fkn genius.

Later.

Blank.

Since I can't really think of anything to write about right now, I'll just leave you.with this sweet clip of the JBT.

Did I mention it's less than 2 months until the concert?

Watch "Funky Tonight - JBT - Official Clip" on YouTube

Oh yeah....

Later.

Kinect-ed.

Just used Microsoft's Kinect for the first time last night.

It's fun and the games are almost Nintendo-ish in their hokeyness. However the fact that you don't have a controller to hold while you are doing all the strange gyrations is a bonus.

I also think that as much as some people like Wii Fit, the Kinect kicks ass based on the simple fact of its ability to give feedback on posture and such during an exercise - it busted me for not going low enough on my lunges. And with Kinect, you can't fake running by shaking the controller - get those knees up, people, or else you crawl along like a snail.

I do wish you could do more with it voice wise, though. As cool as it was to have it listen when you want to switch things around, it would be awesome if it could adjust things like volume or turn on and off by voice. I'm sure there will be some sort of update eventually that would take care of that.

So far the shine is still on the apple, so I'm sure you will eventually hear me bitching about it. But for now its a great way to keep myself and the kids active and moving on the days its too shitty to go outside. It will never replace the gym or my running shoes, but I don't want them replaced anyway.

So if you walk by my house and it looks like I'm having a seizure in front of my tv, don't worry - its just Kinect.

Later.

Check How You Roll.

If there is any place that my OCD goes into overdrive, it's the bathroom.

It's not like I wipe my ass 6000 times or anything like that , but my frustration does come from the room's paper product.

It's not the whole over/under thing with the TP, either. People who get pissed at that shit need to loosen up and relax.

My issue is with the lazy fuckers who can't be bothered to put it on the dispenser in the first place - it puts me into an almost apolexic-type rage.

I mean, really - how hard is it to just take off and throw out the old roll and put another one on? You've gone to the trouble of getting a new roll - take the plunge and finish the job - it's not Rocket science, people.

What gets me is that this isn't just an occurance where I work - its in almost every bathroom I've seen, including my own home. (Which is why it drives me nuts so bad.)

I'm thinking that if you can't be responsible enough to put the TP in it's proper place, you shouldn't be able to use it at all. I'm sure a couple of days of wiping your ass with your hand would teach you a lesson.

My main worry with that plan is that if you are too lazy to put the roll on, you're too lazy to wash your hands.

....but that's a whole other blog post.

Later.

I Feel:

- That the day couldn't get any longer if you tied bricks to the clock.
- That making up your own metaphors sucks, and should be left to the professionals.
- That the sight of a good pair of yoga pants makes any run easier.
- That trying to reason with a 5 year old is like trying to stuff a cat into a Coke bottle.
- That I seriously need help, metaphor wise.
- That while I accept and enjoy the choices I've made in life, having the Sidekick text me from the strip bar when surrounded by women makes me wish I'd stopped aging at 25.
- That if my bald spot gets any bigger, it means the terrorists are winning.
- That it takes a lot to build up to the speed I used to run at - right now, I could probably outrun a homeless guy.
- ....Unless he got some shoes in the riot - then I might have trouble.
- That I think the thing I miss the most would be the things I can't remember.

Later.

Reassessment.

Normally I think Horoscopes are shit, but much like a car accident, I can't look away.

The person who normally writes the horoscope in the paper I read usually puts some cliched, trite quip in the parentheses at the end of the horoscope, and I always just roll my eyes and think mean thoughts about her level of intelligence.

But the fact that she ended today with a quote from one of my favorite movies just moved her up in my estimation.

Congratulations, Horoscope Lady - I only think you're a cheap scammer instead of a retarded cheap scammer. Good for you.

Later.

On Fatherhood.

I won't lie, there's times when being a Dad is the most balls-out, greatest experience ever.

It's having your boy throw that first perfect spiral to you, having them pedal their bikes beside you as you go for a run, playing in the pool, riding go-karts, watching a movie, and just having two people out there who think I am the most brilliant guy in the world.

It's watching them grow and accomplish things on their own - from making it to the other side of the pool during swimming lessons, to scoring that first goal on the ice. And finding out that they excel in areas you never did (like math).

It's having them think that no matter what job you do, its the greatest job in the world because you do it.

There are two things that will happen to you every day that you are a Dad - your kids will piss you off, and they'll amaze you at the same time.

So far, that 50/50 balance is alright by me.

Later.

Fatty Fortune.

See these?


We just got them in the store today.

It seems to me that the cookie has disappeared and is now just a chocolate delivery system.

Needless to say, they will probably be a big hit with the local fatties. (As a former fatty, I can attest to this fact.)

I will attempt to be on the other side of the aisle anytime I have to walk by them. Partially to escape temptation, but also to avoid the obese wave that will surely come crashing through the cookie aside and possibly swamp the chip aisle as well.

Betcha didn't know my job was so dangerous, huh?



Later.

Modern Stupidity.

Dear Vancouver Rioters:

I'd just like to throw my opinion in with everyone else's and agree that what you accomplished Wednesday night in Vancouver was disrespectful, shameful, and an embarrassment not just to Vancouverites and British Columbians but to Canadians everywhere.

I'd also like to add that I think you're a bunch of fucking retards.

Like most yesterday, I spent some time online and was repeatedly astounded by the fact that you thought being part of the mob gave you anonymity, and somehow either didn't notice all the cameras and cellphones around, or didn't think they would be used against you. What shocked me even more was that some of you bragged to others on Facebook or Twitter about your endeavours.

How stupid are you? I know you're dumb enough to take part in a riot and destroy and steal things, but where in the world do you get off thinking it ups your social standing to brag about it?

Unfortunately, I guess it does, because the amount of "right on" replys to some of the posts were adding up - at least until someone with some sense told you that saying stuff like that on Facebook is the equivalent of standing on your front lawn and yelling what you did.

But you will get caught. This isn't something that will just "go away" - people can't help but see the pictures and video, and even though you aren't ashamed at what you did, someone you know will see you, and they will be ashamed enough for both of you and turn you in.

Luckily for you, our justice system is such that you will just get a slap on the wrist, but thankfully, a criminal record follows you everywhere - I'm sure disclosing to potential employers or others what you were charged for will have to do for social punishment.

I'd like to close by saying it again: you're a bunch of fucking retards.

Fuck you very much.

Later.

Dignified.

I'm surprised with myself.

I took the weed whacker out to the backyard today.

That in itself is not surprising.

The fact that I was out there for a whole hour - sweating, grunting, and taming that wild brush - and yet it was another whole hour before I tweeted something vagina-related (and classily mentioned 70's porn) is.

Just goes to show how mature I've become.




Later.

4 Miles.

4 miles.

That's 7040 yards, 21120 feet, 6437 meters, 253440 inches, 1.3 leagues,...

(You get my point.)

Eight months ago I would have done 4 miles and laughed at how easy it was - it was something done on a lunch break, as natural as warming up soup in the microwave at work.

But since then, I'd let myself slip - missing runs, putting things ahead of what I wanted to be doing and just not feeling the passion for running that I once did.

As I said in an earlier post, the Royal Victoria is 16 weeks out and I want to be ready for it. That was the first race I'd ever had that I didn't improve upon my time - looking back, I took that harder than I thought and without realizing it, I just gave up.

That's not like me.

The 4 miles I did today felt much like the miles I did years ago when I first strapped the shoes on my feet and ran for myself, rather than running for the sake of getting my face close to the food.

It felt good.
I felt better.
I felt like myself.

I'm not going to let that go.





Later.

Come Home Stanley.

I'm not one to say that any Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Final is automatically "Canada's Team", but I'd be hard pressed not to cheer for the Vancouver Canucks as they face the Bruins tonight, with a chance to take home Canada's first Cup since 1993.

I cheered for Edmonton, Calgary, and yes, even Ottawa when they had a chance to bring the Cup back to Canada.

I can understand those who have been die-hard Boston fans for years not cheering, and I respect them in their conviction. I know if it was the Avs playing against Vancouver I would be singing a slightly different tune.

But if you like Hockey and love your country, you gotta want the Cup to be up North - our drought has been too long.

And anyway, Colorado is going to dominate and win it next year, so if they don't do it now we'll be waiting even longer.

(See how optimistic I am for my team? Now that's a fan.)

Later.

Lyrical Summer.

I'm really looking forward to this summer.

There's the obvious things -like getting to do fun stuff with my kids, day trips to Parksville, Go-Karts, and hikes - to the little things like just being able to go for a nice long run on a sunny day.

But I'm really looking forward to a couple of concerts that the Sidekick and I are going to in Victoria:

John Butler Trio - this one is in August, it's a band I really like, and the fact that its Victoria in the summer is a plus.

Sam Roberts - sure, this one is in October, but whatever, I've wanted to see them for ages, and they are one of the bands that I have always said I would see if I had a chance.

I'm stoked for both of these, and have already started to filter random tunes by each back into my musical rotation - I'm that fucker who sings along at times, and there's no way I'm going to mess up any words. (Concert faux pas!)

Try not to be too envious, and I'll try not to rub it in too much.
(Who am I kidding? I'll rub it in every chance I get.)

Later.

Put Up or Shut Up.

As of tomorrow, the Royal Victoria Marathon is 16 weeks away.

While I'm not doing the Marathon this year, I am planning on doing the Half, if only to make up for my abysmal performance last year (1:39:00). I know some might think that was a good time, but it was one I wasn't really happy with, and I want to rectify that.

So its time to get back on the horse and get going.

Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it.

Later.

Stretched Out.

So I had a free moment the other day, and feeling a little tight after my run, I decided to try something different to work out the kinks.

Yoga.

Please, don't laugh.

I had a DVD that I got for the Wife at Christmas, so I grabbed the yoga mat, threw the disc in and went to town.

Yoga is fucking hard.

It's an introductory disc, so it started out with stretching and stuff - felt great. I'll admit - as it moved on into explaining some of the poses and flows and shit, I stayed with the "easy" level - but even on easy, it's hard. I'm not the most flexible of guys, and the flexibility is only part of it - you have to have balance and core strength to boot.

As I did the stretching afterwards, I knew I was going to feel that soreness the next day - that good ache that tells you that you had a great workout.

I may not do it everyday, but I think incorporating yoga into my running schedule can only be a good thing.

Just give me a while before you look at me doing it - right now I feel as graceful as a Orca doing hurdles on dry ground.

Later.

Trouble Overhead.

The radio at work usually sucks, and I'm not just talking about the content. (Do they really need to play the Hip so much?)

The Worksite is located in what I refer to as "Where signals go to die" - cellphones, AM/FM radio, all of it is scratchy and inconsistent.

Because certain radio stations fade in and out, we find that we are changing to a different station at least once a day. No matter which one, it eventually goes to static and we switch again.

And that's where the fun comes in.

Periodically, one of the local FM station's signal will be overpowered by what I believe is a station from Seattle. It's hard to notice the change at first, because the music that's played on both stations is relativity similar.

It's the DJ's that make the difference.

After a music set had ended last week, the DJ's started talking, and since they usually prattle on about local, small town stuff, I generally tune them out until the next song comes on. So needless to say, my attention was focused elsewhere during their conversation.

Until I heard the word "Laibia".
Of course, this got my attention.

Turns out the station had slipped over to the Seattle one, and the DJ's were having a conversation about personal grooming, tattoos, and peircings. It seemed to be an interesting and heated conversation, one that I would have gladly kept listening to.

But instead, I was running up the stairs two at a time, hoping to change the station before any of our elderly customers clued in that the "hood" the DJ's were talking about wasn't a piece of clothing.

I just made it in time, as I'm sure I heard the phrase "Prince Albert" uttered before I hit the button.

I'm hoping our customers just thought someone was still talking about the Royal Wedding.

That seems plausible, right? Right?

Later.

Obviously Not Decaf.

Coffee coffee coffee.

Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee.

Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee.

Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee.

Fuck I have to pee.

Later.

Episode 6 - Rambling About Midlife.

I present to you Midlife Ramblers Episode 6.

In which we discuss many things, from the day I was born to how to wrap up this crazy thing we've been doing. (And the hope we can do more.)




Savor this one, people, it might be the last for a while.

Enjoy, and as always, comments are our bread and butter.


Later.

Working Class Heroes.

I got called into work the other day, and because my days off are the days that I watch the kids, I had to bring my youngest in with me for a half day.

And if you do something for one....you have to do it for the other, so today I had my oldest doing half a shift with me.

My kids are a blast at work.

They are both great helpers, incredibly attentive, and they think I'm the greatest boss in the world (they're right). I have so much fun with them that I don't even notice how fast the day flies by. And we get lots of positive compliments from the customers, who think it's pretty cool.

Of course, the half day is done, and I'm sure the rest of the shift is going to drag on (since I'm missing the hockey game too).

Maybe I can call them back and have them finish off the shift...

Later.

Seeking Solitude.

Today is a day where all I want to do is chill out, enjoy my lunch break (or dinner break, whatever), compose my thoughts and blog.

...and of course every single person that comes within 15 feet of me wants to have an in-depth conversation about whatever is on their mind.

It's hard to balance out politely ending what could be a long conversation and restraining myself from stabbing them with my pen.

Right now I think the latter is winning.

Later.

Plastic Extension.

I was working on the till for a bit today, and something occurred to me:

As men, we treat our debit/credit cards a lot like our dicks, and I think the way we act during a transaction says a lot about us.

Every guy that I served today had their card in their hand, jammed it into the card reader, and couldn't wait to remove it. As for swiping, they would do it upside down, ram it back and forth, and pocket it again as soon as possible. The receipt? Forget it, crumple it and throw it out - they don't want it at all.

The ladies, on the other hand, are completely different - they have their card tucked in a purse or wallet, handle it gently, and wait until the appropriate time before sliding their card in. When the transaction is over they neatly put their card away, wait for the receipt, and proceed on their way.

Quite the difference.

I'll admit, there were people from each gender who acted like the other, but those were few and far between.

Now I'm sure there's a ton of generalizations you could infer from these observations, and the fact that I immediately went to something sexual with the thought says something about me as well, I'm sure. ( I immediately went with the card/cardreader, tab a/slot b idea.)

But if I've thought it, I'm sure some other cashier/clerk/waitress/whatever has as well. So the next time I'm being served, I'm going to treat my card with some respect, not jam it into the reader, and show a little tenderness when finishing the transaction.

I suggest you do the same - can't hurt, right?
(Unless you meet someone who likes their debit machine handled roughly, then go ahead.)

Later.

Canuck Fever. (Or,Take 2 Bandwagons & Call Me In The Morning.)

You know, I was going to do a big ranty post about the Canucks being in the Stanley Cup Final (good) and all the bandwagon jumping that politicians and businesses are doing to cash in on the success and milk it for all it's worth (bad).

But then I decided that if you just finished reading the previous sentence you pretty much got the gist of what I was saying, and I really shouldn't have to elaborate, right?

That's what I thought.

I'm going to take a nap now.

Later.

Introductions Are In Order.

Right now, as I type this, "Tired of Waiting" by the Trews is playing on the radio here at work, and it started me thinking:

What was the "introductory" song for some of the bands you enjoy?

For me, I heard "Tired of Waiting" and immediately liked it, which prompted me to research and learn more about the band, and they have remained a favorite ever since.

So what song did it for ya? What hooked you?

What got me into Pearl Jam wasn't "Jeremy" or "Alive" - back then I couldn't stand Eddie and the boys -  it was hearing "Dissident" at a concert with the Sidekick that showed me what I was missing.

Believe it or not, but "Big Me" wasn't the song that made me dig the Foo - it was "This is a Call" - but the cheesy Mentos-style video did help Dave cement a place in my heart.

For KOL it was "Fans" - something about the pace, the beat, just the uniqueness of the song made me realize that sometimes it's good to pay attention to some of the stuff the Sidekick talks about.

For Pink Floyd, it was "Mother" - for Zeppelin, "The Ocean" - Kiss had "Deuce", and The Beatles was "When I'm 64".

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are more. Put yours in the comments - It would be cool to hear them.

Later.

Episode 5 - Kirk Cameron Can Suck My Balls.

Once again into the breech, my friends - where we discuss religion, rapture, dickheads, dreamboats, housekeepers, and examine the Sidekick's reaction to being asked if he's from another country.

Please enjoy Midlife Rambler's Episode 5.



And remember - we love feedback like fatty kids love Rice Krispy Squares.




Later.

About Last Night....

There was a Poker Game.

There was Gin.

There was fun conversation with people I actually enjoy being around.

There was more Gin.

There were great fluctuations in the size of my chip stack.

There was even more Gin.

There were Chicken Wings. (Washed down with Gin.)

There were winners and losers, sharks and fish.

There was a fucking good time at my house last night.

And it was sweet.

Forty is going to be crazy, my friends, so having a nice, easy Thirty-nine was kinda nice.

Later.

Thirty-Nine

- An awesome Roman numeral, (XXXIX), if that "I" didn't get in there and fuck up the symmetry.
- An unlucky number in Afghan numerology, and I know at least one guy in the west who isn't thrilled with it either.
- Title of a song by the Cure, but they suck and no one cares.
- The atomic number of yttrium, which sounds like something George Lucas would have made up - still better than "midichlorions".
- Jersey number of Johan Franzen, Doug Gilmour, Doug Weight, Domink Hasek, Christobal Huet, and a fuckton of other NHL'ers you've never heard of.
- Number of Articles for something to do with the Catholics, I think - can't spend all my time on Wikipedia, people.
- Number of feet in the pole that they wouldn't touch the Grinch with. (I know it's 39.5, I rounded down, alright?)
- Anniversary number in which the gift is "lace". If I'm married for that long, I hope the only lace is a doily on my casket.
- Where "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts currently sits on the Billboard hot 100. Obviously shows Billboard doesn't know shit if crap like that charts that high.
- How many years old the oldest cat in the world is. (Can someone other than me please make an "old pussy" joke?)

Oh yeah - it's also how old I am today.
Woooooo. (Can you read sarcasm?)

Later.

Trafficking.

I must have pleased someone in Blogger's upper echelon.

For some reason in the past 3 weeks, the amount of traffic coming to look at my little corner of the Internet has almost tripled.

I was going to say that it must have something to do with me being fantastically hilarious, that people can't get enough of the Sidekick's witty banter during the weekly podcast, or that word of mouth had gotten out about how fucking cool this place is, but then reality kicked in and I took a look at the facts.

Most of the people who look here come from that little button at the top of your screen that says "Next Blog". They are just people who are cruising Blogger and hoping something jumps out and interests them.

So it turns out that instead of being a place that people hear about and seek out, I'm more like a humorous homeless guy you stumbled upon while out for a stroll. (Dance, monkey! Dance!)

So it turns out that Blogger is just the ones directing traffic towards my corner, probably just a temporary thing until the Internet hiccups again and this place gets as popular as a ghost town.

But whatever - I'm just glad people are reading/listening. I just hope Blogger doesn't expect any "favors" in return - I love this place, but I'm not takin a shot in the mouth for it. (eeeew)

Later.

Random Thoughts

- As much as I dig the rural area I work in, when the wind is blowing right and the smell of cowshit drifts in from down the road, I fucking hate it here.
- I bet even Supermodels would look bad if you took a picture of them on the toilet. (What? Everybody poops.)
- There will be a time, many years in the future, when even Vampire Weekend is considered "Classic Rock".
- If Chad Kroeger pays his ex $25000.00 a month, and say he got a blowjob every day, each year they were together, it works out to $821.76/blowjob. I'm no rockstar, but I get that shit for free.
- The first day of working without having to wear ties is fucking sweet.
- As I grow older, I like the things I used to hate, at least food-wise. So I imagine that right before I die, I'll finally like peas.

Later.

Episode 4 - Attack of the Annoying Background Hiss.

I know - I'm just as amazed as you are that we keep churning these things out.

Please enjoy Midlife Ramblers, Episode 4 - in which we cover musical tastes, as well as the other random shit we talk about.






As always, feedback is more than welcome - it's a downright necessity.



Later.

$35,000,000.00

Thirty-five million dollars.

Someone in my hometown won the Lotto Max, and is now a multi-millionaire. Am I envious? Hell yes - money may not buy happiness, but it buys piece of mind, and I'm good with that.

No one knows who the winner is yet, but I can see it going in a couple of directions:

- Someone who deserves to win, needs the money, and will use it to help themselves and others. (Note: least possible outcome.)
- A group of people who work together, who will be unable to touch the money because of legal issues arriving from a suit brought by the co-workers who weren't in on it.
- An elderly couple with no kids or other family who are 5 days from death's door, and will leave it all to the church or their cat, Mr. Puddles.
- Someone who will use the money foolishly, act like a retard, and be destitute and on the street in 3 years.
- Someone who already has more money than they need or know what to do with, who just plays the Lotto to sustain their gambling addiction.

It may sound bitter,but I'm pretty sure I'm right. We'll just have to wait and see.

But if you know (or are) the winner, there's this sweet little blog/podcast that could use a sponsor....

Later.

I Feel:

- That the Rapture hype is waaay overrated.
- That if all the "do-gooders" do go up, it means the rest of us can stay down here and get our freak on.
- That if I was preaching about the end of the world, I'd give myself a more vague date. If it doesn't go down, some people are going to be looking prrrreeety stupid.
- That if I could, I'd record a podcast almost every day.
- That the punishment for disturbing me while I'm on my lunch should be something medieval, and painful.
- That, if I'm going to be honest, I'd rather see penalty-box tits then the Green Men any day. (Google it and compare for yourself - you'll see I'm right.)
- That if I have to explain the joke to you, its my mistake for telling someone something when I didn't realize they were an idiot.
- That I sound like a bitter, bitter man at times. But that's what this place is for, right?

Later.

Iron = Ink.

I noticed something at the gym today.

Of the 6 guys ( 7, inc. me.) that were working out at the same time, there was only 1 guy who didn't have at least one tattoo. Heck, two of the guys had complete sleeves, and another was well on his way. (The one guy without? Had to be at least 70.)

I understand the desire to decorate the body you've worked so hard to achieve, but it's getting a bit ridiculous. I'm waiting for the day when I walk into the gym and there's a guy covered head to toe in ink and working out in a thong. (Please never happen.)  It's gotta stop sometime.

..except for the girl with the Tramp Stamp on the stairclimber in front of me. Stay where you are, and don't ever change.

Later.

Vocal Letdown

I'm listening to the rough, rough, rough, draft of the latest podcast that the Sidekick and I recorded.

The first couple of podcasts we did, I had a bitchin' chest cold. As I stated before, I felt I sounded like a male Kathleen Turner. Now that the cold is gone, and my voice is back to normal, I've decided that as much as some may think I sound like Ewan McGregor, I personally don't like the sound of my voice.

I knew I didn't have the most powerful voice, and I'm okay with that. But I think I sound like some guy who's balls haven't dropped yet.

Trust me, they have.

Listen to the next podcast when it's up - (Please! Just listen!) and let me know what you think. I just realized that I even pseudo-sing at times, so prepare to be shocked.

If you're ears start to bleed, don't blame me.

Later.

Outside Influence.

It's amazing how the weather outside affects the personality and behavior of the general public.

It was clear outside when I came to work, but judging by the people I've had to deal with today, I would gather that it's a massive downpour of assholes out there.

Cloudy with a chance of shitheads, maybe?

Just sayin'.

Later.

Episode 3 - Editing Nightmare

This week's Episode - Where trains of thought get lost and found, and The Sidekick shows his wicked-cool editing skills.

Please enjoy Midlife Ramblers Episode 3.






Feedback is always welcome.




Later

Observations Part Deux

- Watching someone take pictures of things in a magazine - pretend vacation, maybe? Crazy but cheap.
- The Sidekick went to the local watering hole/stomping grounds - I think his disappointment was not that it hasn't really changed, but that they probably handed him the same dirty glass he had the last time he was there.
- I believe that there's a place for everything, and everything has it's place - unfortunately, there are people around me who think elves appear at night and magically put shit away.
- Much like the Sidekick is a beer snob, I am a coffee snob - and sampling the crap we brew here at work is like making him drink mud that's been filtered through a German's socks and calling it beer.
- Listening to Motley Crue while working is like a painful flashback. Fond memories, but it hurts my ears.
- I find Twitter to be equal amounts of witty, insightful comments and news, and pure, unadulterated stupidity.
- At least 50% of the stupidity is funny, so I can deal with it.
- If the world suddenly produced a Cat made out of Bacon, the Internet would explode.

Later.

General Observations

- People (the general public) are insensitive, self-absorbed, and ignorant.
- The fact that the Tim Hortons drive-thru makes me feel that way about my fellow humans is quite sad, really.
- The more time I spend at the pool, the more I have Waterworld fantasies. (minus Kevin Costner)
- Right when you don't want them to, the dog pisses on the carpet.
- The fact that the first thought I have when you say "Escape from New York" is of Adrienne Barbeau's sweet cleavage says a lot about me.
- .....and now it's your mental picture too.
- I still think Crocs are the shittiest shoes ever.
- My phone's autocorrect feature actively hates me, and is hell-bent on making me look retarded or more perverse than I am.
- That being said, I can understand it not being able to grasp the subtle infections of "horsedonkeymonkeycock".
- Flip flops are g-strings for your toes.
- "Bob's your uncle." is a really weird saying when you actually have an Uncle named Bob. It's like, "I know, motherfucker, why do you keep telling me?"
- Soon they will market "American History X" as a Kinect game for the 360 - Neo-nazis will rejoice at unlocking the "curb stomp" feature.
- I'm a lot more jaded when my caffeine ratio is measured in cups, instead of hogsheads. (I'm ol'skool, yo.)

Later.

I Feel:

- That sometimes I wish I could bring a blunt, heavy object to work...y'know, for science.
- That the title of the experiment would be "Instantaneous Negative Reinforcement and it's Impact on the Stupid People Around You."
- That watching the Canucks in the 3rd Period of any playoff game fills me with more doubt than hope.
- That when the Sports Media refers to a 36 year-old guy as "old" and "nearing the end of his career" it makes me want to cry.
- That I enjoy the weekly Podcast so much that it could almost be addictive.
- That watching "A Game of Thrones" on HBO is a guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty about at all.
- That, like a 16 year-old boy, the new Lonely Island cd made me laugh my ass off.
- That the Thor movie made me more hopeful for the Avengers movie than anything Marvel had put out before.
- That I've come to treasure sleep and coffee almost as much as I treasured sex and booze when I was in my teens.
- That if we are being honest, I'm still a really big fan of sex and booze.

Later.

Re-Alignment

In some ways, I'm a very progressive person. I think change is good, evolution a fact, and that entropy is what drives the universe.

Except when it comes to my section at work.

That's when my attitude changes to "It ain't broke, why fix it?" - its not that I mind the work involved in relineing everything, it's just that I see no reason to mess with my perfectly good system. It's like someone is forcing their way into my bureau at home, and changing where I put my underwear.

Not a pleasant picture, is it?
I didn't think so.

Later.

Episode 2 - Yes, We Did It Again.

It was so nice, we've done it twice.

May I present Midlife Ramblers Episode 2.




Feedback is always welcome.



Later.

Unwanted

Some things should not be seen.

Walking around the corner at work, and there is a huge (like seriously, huuuuge) lady with bikini bottoms on bending over to place something on the bottom of her cart.

I can't give you much more information than that because my brain immediately started shutting down as a precautionary measure and I lost vision in my right eye.

I'm glad I was able to contain my gag reflex and somehow make it to safety.

It'll haunt me. (Oh my God....the tassels...)

Later.

The Other National Holiday.

Today is The Sidekick's Birthday.

For the 2nd year in a row, I have been unable to attend, due to work and family commitments.

It kinda passes me off.

The Sidekick's B-day was always the one day a year that was no-strings-attached. My wife understood - hell, she at times encouraged - the fact that we would act like drunken retards. It was understood that we'd probably go out for dinner with a group of people, have a good time, and then it was drinking and partying until the wee hours of the morning.

Not the last few years. It's not on purpose, but it always seems that something comes up around this time. Nothing major, but just enough to throw a wrench into any chance to go out.

So the Sidekick will be out tonight in the big city, and I'll get updates throughout. He'll have no wingman, and probably fail miserably - but that could just be my envy talking.

Either way, updates aren't the same as being there.

And that sucks.

Happy Birthday, Sidekick - you magnificent bastard.

Later

Pleasantly Surprised.

As the title states, I'm pleasantly surprised at how the election turned out last night.

Sure, some don't like that the Conservatives stayed in, but there was big change all around - I think the worst thing that could have happened to Canadian politics would be to have an election and just end up with the status quo.

Conservative majority? Ok Mr. Harper, you have your mandate, now show us what you can do for Canadians.

NDP? Congratulations on the "Orange Crush" - hopefully you are able to do something with your newfound status.

Liberals? I would say that obviously the biggest change people felt was needed was in your party, but then I'd be forgetting about...

The Bloc. Goodbye, fuckers - don't let the door hit your separatist ass on the way out.

I would have been happy if the last result had been the only result. (Oooh - I sound bitter!)

And that's the kinda suprise I like.

Later.

Not Too Little, But Way Too Late.

The papers and news are all ablaze with the death of Osama Bin Laden.

I'm of the opinion that , while important, his death doesn't really change anything.

If they would have nailed him in January 2002, I think his death would have had more meaning.

It would have shown that if you commit an act of terrorism, be prepared to have retribution swiftly thrust upon you. What his death shows now is that if you commit a mass act of terrorism you will pay, but it might take 10 years or so, and you have that time to go about your business and keep plotting the deaths of your "enemies".

I think that's like punishing your dog six weeks after he shits on the floor. It's not an example or a lesson.

I'm sure that there are those who will look at Osama and say "At least he didn't get away with it." But there are probably others who would say "He got away with it for a long fucking time."

I'm one of the later.

Later.

Listen Up.

So here it is - mindless conversation from the Sidekick and myself.

Enjoy - feedback is always welcome - that's what comments are for, right?







Later.

Old and Grey.

The beard you see in the photo is gone.

I had to do it - it was driving me nuts. Itchy, scratchy, and I felt like I looked 15 years older. And since I was the only guy left who had the playoff beard, shaving it cost me no grief at all.

You know what was nice? Being told by countless people how young I look when I came into work after shaving.

So there you go Canucks, my beard helped you through the first round - you're on your own in the second.

Later.

Kathleen Turner.

Thanks to the loss of voice and the chest cold I now have I believe I sound like Kathleen Turner. (Wait until the podcast goes up - you can totally hear it there.)

Thank God I don't have her tits. The voice is enough.

Later.

Recording.

Last night the Sidekick and I got together with some coffee and a microphone and whipped up a podcast.

He's currently editing it to make it sound better, throwing some music in, and basically taking the audio version of a BeDazzler to it. As soon as it's done, it will be posted here in all its streaming glory.

The title of this masterpiece, you may ask?

Why, "Midlife Ramblers" of course. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Later.

Silenced.

I've lost my voice.

I'm not sick - in fact, I feel great - but whenever I try to speak the only sound is a wheesy, croaking mess.

It started last night, and is incredibly frustrating.  Since I'm working today, I'm in an environment where every person I see wants to talk to me, and any type of customer interaction is prefaced by a discussion of how shitty I sound.

I'm hoping it doesn't last long - as I mentioned in the Twitter feed: a talker like me losing their voice is like kneecapping a sprinter.

Although my co-workers do say they enjoy the peace and quiet....

Fuck that - as soon as it comes back, I'm not shutting up for a.week. That'll show 'em.

Later.

Business Plan.

Based upon my observations at the gym, I think that I've hit upon the perfect business plan.

I believe that if you opened a gym with great amenities and equipment, you'd make great money - but its all in the staffing.

Sure, a good team of personal trainers, along with a polite and knowledgeable front end staff would go a long way, but it's missing one thing:

Sleeper Agents.

Before should go thinking I'm crazy, hear me out. Take some fit, attractive, good mannered people whose only job is to work out and chat with the gym regulars.

I know for most guys at the gym, when that hot girl walks in and gets on the machine beside you, you work out a little harder, maybe more reps, whatever. If she's chatty and fun, you're going to keep coming back again and again - and eventually, all that extra effort pays off in heather people who want to stay at your gym not only because they get results, but that's where the hotties are. (I'm also thinking this would work for the ladies too.)

See? It can't fail.

Im'ma fuckin' genius.

Later.