Friday, July 22, 2011

Dear 18 Year Old Me:

I'm sending this to you from THE FUTURE!

Right now, I'm 39, and I thought I'd reach back into the past and give you some tidbits of advice that might make your life a bit easier in the coming years. I can't tell you anything that's incredibly life altering (Skynet won't let me.), but you can help me out now by following these instructions:
  •  As tasty as they are, put the donut DOWN. Seriously - believe me on this.
  • Quit smoking - Both you and I know that you look incredibly cool with a smoke and a beer in your hand, but I can tell you that eventually you'll be quitting anyway, and in 2011 everyone thinks smokers look like idiots.
  • Don't buy anything on cassettes or CD's - mooch off your friends if you have to. There's going to be a couple of format changes coming down the pipe, and why buy it all again?
  • As crazy as it sounds - start running. You'll find that you like it, and if you get a good foundation now, my times will improve. I'll be the fastest 39 year-old around.
  • Stretch - those dirty hippies talking about yoga? They're onto something.
  • As soon as you can, get High Speed Internet. Don't ask me what the fucking Internet is - just remember and get it when it's available. P.S. Dial up is not high speed.
  • Don't give up on Pearl Jam - you'll regret it.
  • What did I tell you about that fucking donut? DOWN, dammit!
  • Go see more Movies. Good movies - and Firefox doesn't count as a good movie.
  • Make friends with a nerd. if he tells you he's thinking of writing software for a startup in California or being an engineer for gas companies, he's your new best friend.
  • I can't remember if you're wearing them now, but switch to boxer briefs. Sooo much more comfortable, and way better than that silk boxer-thing ya got going on now.
  • Don't quit hockey - go back.
  • Learn to type. I know it sounds gay, but do it. You would have received this letter way earlier if I had learned to type properly. (That grade 8 typing class we got kicked out of? Who knew?)
  • Those vegetable things on the side of the plate? Eat 'em. 
  • If I have to mention the Donut again, I'll spoil what happens to your cat.

I know your sitting scratching your head through that luxurious mane of hair that you have, but as strange as it seems, I do know what I'm talking about. There's going to be a lot of shit going down in the next 21 years, and hopefully this will make it a lot easier on both of us. I'd love to give you stock tips and hints on the next 21 Hockey seasons (The Jets are back, baby!), but it would be too much change and we'd both be fucked.

Do what I said, don't be lazy, and keep wrapping it up.


...and quit with the donuts, already - I wasn't fucking kidding.

p.s. Totally kidding about that Skynet thing.

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