Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Felonious History.

I busted a couple of shoplifters the other day.

Sure, they were small kids and didn't take much, but I nabbed 'em just the same. Called the parents and had them write out letters of apology - pretty light, but I don't think they needed to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I gave 'em a bit of a lecture, just to set them back on the straight and narrow.

If they only knew....

My friends and I used to be the biggest bunch of pre-teen shoplifters ever to hit the aisles. Our group used to steal bags of stuff from our local grocery store, and get away clean.

We used to have a system.
We'd ask for a bag, "Because ours ripped" and would take it down an aisle - usually pop and chips - snack aisle stuff. After stashing the bag we'd leave the store for about an hour or two. (During this time we would spend whatever lunch money we had been given at the arcade. We knew we weren't going to go hungry.) Later we'd go back and position watchers at the ends of the aisle, while one guy loaded up the bag. Throw on some cat food and milk, and it looked like we were good kids doing the shopping for our poor mothers.

Of all the times we did this, not one of us ever got caught.

There were about four or five of us in on it, and we would rotate on who would go in and who would stay outside, so that it was never the same group twice. (Criminal genius's at such a young age. And they say television never teaches you anything.) We changed tactics all the time, employing backpacks and other carriers instead of bags, and even using distractions in other parts of the store to reach the really valuable items to pre-teen boys: Batteries, Smokes, and Porno Mags.

This went on for months, and I can't even begin to estimate the dollar value of all the stuff we stole. But eventually it a came to and end, and all it took was a pack of gum.

My friend Scott (No point in changing the name - he's not ever going to see this.) decided one day that he wanted some gum. (I seem to recall it being Root-beer Bubblicious, but don't quote me on that.) We headed into the store, and he proceeded to swipe it, then go look at the magazines. I decided to wait outside for him, which was a good thing on my part as they nailed him as soon as he walked out the door. Like any good compatriot, I bolted and left him to rot. Parents were called, punishment was issued, and like a true friend, Scott never brought my name into it. (I almost feel bad for leaving him hanging like that.)

Seeing one of our own get caught made all of us realize that we were playing a dangerous game, and it was time to quit stealing.
From that store.
The petty theft continued a bit, but we were now so paranoid and self conscious that we couldn't really pull it off. Self-retirement was our only option.

Looking back, I know it was just a phase. It's best that it ended when it did, before we graduated into car-jacking or somethinng really dumb.

So I took it easy on the kids I caught, just because I could see myself in them. However, if I catch any of them again....


1 comment:

  1. Anonymous7:38 pm

    thats some clever oceans 11 shit you boys were up to. i used to get so paranoid of gettin caught i would take the shit outta my pocket and pay for it at the register, now thats some clever pussy shit i pulled off.