Friday, November 03, 2006

Liquid History Pt 2 (Continued)

So Mike and I headed to the Hospital.

In what must have been an amazing miracle, I wasn't forced to sit in a waiting room for hours. I guess looking into the eyes of Satan must be disconcerting for the general public, so they ushered Mike and I into a semi-private area that was curtained off.

Then they made me wait for hours.

During that time, Mike and I must have stolen about forty dollars worth of medical supplies. I believe I had the largest private collection of tongue depressors on the North Island after that visit.

When the Doctor finally showed up, we were going through the drugs prevention pamphlets, saying "Done it." or "Want to." The Doc didn't look too impressed.

So he checked me out, looked into my eyes, took my blood pressure, all that Doctor type shit. Then He started in with the questions.

"Have you been lifting anything heavy?"

"Have you been drinking a lot of alcohol this Friday?"
"No." (Technically not a lie. I was drinking heavily on Saturday.)

He started to look a bit uncomfortable. I think he knew that I thought these questions were funny, and that I wasn't taking them seriously. Still, he plodded on.

"Have you been constipated recently?"
"Er - No."
"No straining or forcing?"
"No, the plumbing is all fine."

"Have you had any intense orgasms during sexual intercourse recently?"
(I have to admit, this one caught me off guard. Props to the Doc for seeing what a player I am, though.)
"No Doc, but I wish I had!"

Looking at Mike, he could barely restrain himself. Hell, I was having trouble keeping myself from busting a gut laughing at these questions. I'm pretty sure the Doctor knew I was bullshitting him on the drinking, and he at least knew that my blood work would show alcohol.

He told me that I had ruptured some blood vessels in my eyes and that is what all the red was about. (I'm sure it was the dry-heaves puking that did me in.) He also told me that it would take about two weeks for the blood to fade away.

So I got too look like a possessed guy for two weeks and it wasn't even close to Halloween.
The thing that sucked was it went away in stages. The red progressed to purple, and then started to fade to sickly yellow. I went from looking cool and evil to looking jaundiced and sick. (Chicks think red eyes are creepy, but yellow eyes are a definite turn off, as I soon found out.)

It was a memorable Spring Break, but it did come to an end. Mike moved back in with his parents, I drank in moderation for the rest of the holidays, and then it was time to go back to school.

I've puked pretty bad since then, but never enough to pop those vessels again.

(I think I'm holding out for the intense orgasm. In fact- I know I am.)


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