My kingdom for some headphones.
(It's not much of a kingdom, mind you, but it smells nice and is really low maintenance.)
Why the headphones? Because the fucker sitting across from me at the lunchroom table won't shut the fuck up. Blahblahblahblahblah - seriously, there's so much inane drivel pouring out of this guy's mouth that it's making me want to take one of the little plastic spoons in the drawer and rupture both eardrums just to have some relief.
Now the schmuck is going on about the Royal Family and their role in our Government - he's completely fucking wrong but I don't want to correct him because it means getting involved with the flow of verbal excrement that oozes from his mouth-hole. However, the cashier he's trying to explain this to is absolutely enraptured.
If I could just find some headphones, I could put some music on and pretend they are both singing along to the Foo Fighters instead of polluting the air with audio retardation. I'm feeling dumber just being in the same room.
Do you think jamming an electrical cord into my phone and then sticking the two prongs into my ears would work?
It's worth a try.
If no one hears from me in the next day or so, just look in the lunch room for the charred corpse with a smile of relief on his face.