Saturday, January 14, 2012

Why I'm Not Cooler Than Rick Deckard.

Yesterday my afternoon of isolation from society was spent watching Blade Runner.

As I watched, I realized certain differences between myself and the hero of the story, Rick Deckard and typed them out while the movie played*- I kinda kept score:
  1. He is portrayed by a young Harrison Ford, while I'm just played by myself. (He wins.)
  2. He's eating noodles at the start of the movie - He's more carb-friendly than I am. (Him)
  3. That mother-fucker makes a trench coat look good. (Him)
  4. He gets driven around by a young General Adama (Edward James Olmos) in a flying car, while I drive a 1993 Volkswagen Golf. (Him)
  5. My life does not have a voice-over narration. (Although I think that would be sweet.) - (Him)
  6. He drinks whiskey in the 97th floor of a super-cool futuristic apartment, and I drink coffee in a single-level rancher. (Close, but he wins)
  7. I have a yard though, and Deckard's got shit for grass from what I can see. (Me)
  8. His voice activated computer is way more responsive than my Kinect. (Him)
  9. I've never been punched out by a woman after seeing her naked with a snake. (trust me on this one.) (Me)
  10. He gets to shoot people (okay, replicants who look like people), and I can only fantasize about shooting that guy who cut me off when I drove the kids to school. (Him)
  11. He holds up a badge and says "Deckard - B26354" and the cops think he's great - I say "Watson - Dairy Guy" and they think I'm nuts. (Him)
  12. Sean Young (at the height of her hotness) will never visit me in my home. (Him)
  13. On my way to work there are no billboards of giant Japanese women. (Thank God - it would block the ocean view.) (Me)
  14. I have never been between Darryl Hannah's thighs. (Although, to be honest, she was kicking the shit out of him, so I don't think it was fun.) (Tie)
  15. Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) breaks his fingers and Deckard just keeps fighting - I would have soiled myself at the sound of his voice. (Him)
  16. In the end, Deckard escapes to Canada - I've got him beat, I'm already here. (Me)
  17. Deckard doesn't have a cold sore. (Him)
Deckard wins 12-4 with one tie.

It's been years since I watched this show - and I forgot how good it was. Before the Sidekick reads this and scolds me for not watching the "Definative" Version he should know that I wanted the one with the narration, because - like I said in point #5, I think it would be sweet.

Sometimes it's nice to pull a classic out of the DVD rack, and yesterday was one of those times.


*Fuck yeah - I'm a multitasker!

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