Friday, January 20, 2012

Fuck You, Snow.

I hate snow - and I'm not just talking about the Canadian Rapper.

Although he's pretty shitty too.
It's not that I don't like doing things in the snow - I enjoy the fun stuff like playing with the kids -  it's just the way it affects everyday life around here that makes me despise any time the white stuff makes itself known.

I'm not sure what the snow is like where you live, but around here it sucks. It's the "wet" type of snow that melts instantly when touched, meaning you get soaked (and frozen) unless you're wrapped in seventeen layers of some James Bond-type waterproof material or have horrendous amounts of Blubber. (I hear it works for Polar Bears.)

When I was a young lad in the frozen tundra of the North (born in the Yukon, yo.), we played outdoors for hours in the snow - and as long as you were bundled so it didn't touch your skin, you could charge through a snow bank and still stay dry. Combine that with a city and people who are used to living, driving, and having a functional society in the snow, and you can see why winter for 8 months of the year isn't really an issue.

I just got back from picking up the Boys at school, and already its begun to turn to rain. You think that would be cool, right? Wash away all the snow! No shoveling!

It doesn't work that way - because of the rain, the roads are a soupy, slushy mess. Picture something like an explosion from a Slurpee machine at your local 7-11. The slush, mixed with the compacted snow on the road, makes driving a bitch. And for some reason our snowplow drivers are really against clearing all the way to the pavement, so they aren't very helpful either. I wish it was an actual Slurpee explosion, because then we'd just get to get some fatties with straws and the roads would be clear in no time. (My apologies - that's the after-driving rage speaking.)
My neighbor's tree.

I know I'm supposed to take the beauty and majesty of it all into account, and I will admit that the tree in my neighbor's yard did look nice all covered in snow.

But in the back of my mind I'm thinking about the 8 mile run I'm doing tomorrow, and with this weather it means either a slushy, slippery, cold run or the treadmill. Does either of those sound appealing?

You're right, they don't.

So fuck you, snow - kiss my ass.

And if you want a reason to hate the other Snow, you need to only hear this.



  1. Fatties with Straws. Nice!

    We got our snow, too. But it's the pretty fluffy stuff. But still, for Chicago, it's like no one knows what to do.

    I'm stuck on the indoor track for 70 min tomorrow -- IF my hips can take the 4 sharp turns on our 13 laps-to-a-mile track for that long.

    But I'm drinking a beer, so as of right now, it's all good.

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  3. great post, made me laugh my ass off, also the link at the end.... pure EVIL Genius on your part!! you're right Snow in any form sucks

  4. Dude..... best thing Ive read all week!! Fatties with straws sucking up a slurpee explosion!!!! Brilliant! hahaha!