Sunday, January 22, 2012

I Feel: The Grocery Store Edition.

  1. That if I tiled my floors with Wasa bread, my feet could soak up all that dry, shingle-like flavor. In hard times, I could get some peanut butter and be okay.
  2. That between Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, and the Cream of Wheat guy, advertising companies use Black people to sell a lot of food.
  3. That Paul Newman and Mrs, Renfro can sell salsa, but God forbid you put an actual Mexican on the package - they only created it, right?
  4. That if most Americans knew what Clamato was actually made from, (Tomato Juice and Clam, eh?) they'd slap us for drinking it.
  5. That everyone should know - there's nothing really "special" about Special K.
  6. That I'm pretty sure Snap & Crackle are a gay couple, and Pop is the straight friend who just hangs out and feels awkward at times.
  7. That while the Cream of Wheat guy is always smiling, the Quaker guy just looks like a smug dick - and I'm pretty sure he's wearing a wig.
  8. That Betty Crocker is an anorexic hermit who makes people fat so she feels better about herself. I picture her as a demonically possessed grandma screaming "Die, Fatty, Die!" as she throws more butter into the mixture.
  9. That I find it ironic - in our store the toothbrush aisle is located right behind the candy bars. misplaced, or cross-marketing genius?
  10. That I've never seen anyone put the toppings on a cracker that are pictured on the box. Smoked salmon and caviar with a dash of pesto? No thanks, I'll take a tub of cream cheese instead and go cry in the corner.
  11. That as a Canadian I'm ashamed that all of our Produce and Meat is advertised in Pounds instead of Kilograms - because most people can't comprehend that $0.99/lb = $2.18/kilo. Can't wait for the day someone asks where we keep the hogsheads of milk, or that they want 10 stone of potatoes.
  12. That some days at work I have waaaay to much time on my hands to think up weird shit.


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