Monday, October 08, 2007

Dear Corey Hart:

I grew up in the Eighties.

As a young Canadian boy I was force-fed your music, and it has had quite the cumulative effect on me.

I wouldn't call myself impressionable, (I owned parachute pants just like everyone else) but the constant barrage of your lyrics over the years have delved deep into my psyche, causing what I deem to be permanent damage.

I keep wearing sunglasses at night.

I know it's wrong, and that I look like a fool. But for some reason I can't help myself - this affliction, and it's accompanying yearning for wacky morning DeeJays, are the scars that the Eighties have left on my brain. For some strange reason I feel compelled to wear sunglasses as soon as the sun dips below the horizon.

So far this has cost me approximately $323,287.63 in legal costs, from the constant accidents and lawsuits that follow. (Driving with the aforementioned sunglasses on isn't wise at 1:30am.)
Thus we get to the root of the matter.

Corey, I'm gonna need some money to help me out of this jam. I know the royalties from your music are all tied up in investments and what not, so I'm hoping that you will be able to assist with the wages you have from your current job. I will forward this to whichever A&W you are cleaning floors at. (I'm sure your parents will be able to give me the address - you still live with them, right?)

Thanks in advance for your help, Corey - I know it's not your fault - the music was just too good.


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