Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Things I've Learned From The Grocery Store - or Why We Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.

Reading the Comments from yesterday, and Tinderno's words got me thinking. I've been in Customer Service for about 25 years now, (the last 9 have been in the Grocery Industry) and the things I've seen don't give me any hope for humankind if there ever is a Zombie Apocalypse.

For Example:

Nobody Plans Anything. - The people I see on a day-to-day basis can't figure out what they want for dinner - forget planning on what they need to survive a Zombie outbreak. These are people who rush into the store Halloween night at 8:30pm wanting pumpkins to carve. Same for Christmas, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, whatever. Even when they know it's coming they aren't ready.

People Can't Follow Directions. - This could be the biggest downfall. We have people come into the store and ask where the bathroom is - I tell them it's at the end of asile 1, second white door, marked "Washroom". Guess how many walk into the closet (first white door) or leave out the back exit (third door)? Trust me when I say whatever you guess, it's higher. When the Undead are roaming your neighborhood and you tell another survivor to get the ammo from the 3rd drawer down, are you going to be happy when they throw you a pair of socks? I don't think so.

People Blindly Follow Anyone. - When I worked at the Arches, dressed in my Managerial best, I sometimes had to go to the Grocery store to get extra stuff. Because I kinda looked like I worked there (it's the shirt/tie combo) I'd have tons of people asking where stuff is - and I would give them what I knew were complete bullshit directions. Even though I was in the wrong colored shirt, the fact that I had a tie on was enough to have them believe me and go merrily on their way like Lemmings. After the Minions of Evil start to roam the land, the average guy is just going to follow whomever looks to be in charge, even if it's to their own doom.

People Have No Common Sense. - The amount of people who come up to me and ask (by my judgement) really stupid questions is amazing. Asking if we sell lottery tickets makes sense - some stores don't - however, asking if we sell milk (what grocery store doesn't?) is just sad. As well, coming into a small, 6 aisle store and asking if I have a kids clothing section boggles my mind. Trusting these people to make the right decision when there's rotting corpses walking around? Not likely.

People Can't Handle Change. - Seeing how the average person completely loses their fucking mind when the Debit Terminals aren't working, when they can't get their favorite ice cream (because it's not being made anymore) or when there's no newspaper because of the holiday makes me wonder how bad it will be when the global economy comes crashing down due to World War Z. People shit their pants when it's a Jersey Shore rerun, they'll go crazy when the banking/monetary systems are all gone. And because we've established how little common sense people have, the barter system will have tons of people who traded a goat away for 2 bullets.

Those are just the examples I could come up with today - and it took me longer to type it out than it did to think it up. Weep for humanity, people, because when the movies turn out to be right and everything goes to shit, the people I just described will be the first ones joining the shuffling herd.

Me? I'll be working on my cardio and picking who I'm going to trip while running away.



  1. Anonymous12:08 am

    Your actually pretty funny!

    I've been trying to put myself to sleep scrolling through google blogs when yours came up next. Your 9/6 posting was really pretty entertaining. Sad.

    That's all I read or want to read cuz I'm nearing nodding offf...but keep up your dry wit.

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