The Scariest Things ...

Seeming as it's Halloween today I thought I would tell you some of the things I consider scary.
In no particular order:

• Salem's Lot - The book. Not so much the movie. It was 2am on a really dark and windy night when I first finished reading that book. Stuff scratching against the window freaked the shit out of me.
• The Exorcist - The movie scared the crap out of me and I still have not touched pea soup.
• Fat Chicks in Spandex - I've mentioned this before, but I just can't say it enough. There ought to be a law, and I'm not talking the Law of Gravity.
• The George Bush White House - You know what I'm saying.
• Weapon's of Mass Destruction - We are all supposed to be scared of these right?
• Weapon's of Ass Destruction - I shouldn't even have to explain this.
• Joey's Driving - Mother fucker can't even change a CD without getting into an accident.
• Tim Horten's running out of coffee - It hasn't happened yet, and God willing, never will.
• The Dutch - Don't they scare everybody?
• A "+" sign on the Pregnancy Test - That scares the hell out of every man.
• No Internet Connection - Sad, really, but this actually DOES scare me.
• Quebec Separating From The Rest of Canada - O right, like they haven't pretty much already. If they could they would take the whole fucking province and move it. Not much of a loss, except then Newfoundland would be closer to the West. And that's what scares me.

That's all I can think of now, But I'd like to hear what the general public has to say.

Obsessive Compulsive...

Every once in a while I get slightly obsessive compulsive.
This morning I found it absolutely necessary to clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher, vacuum, and tidy up the DVD collection before I head to work.
I also made the Boy's breakfast, and got all his stuff ready to go to the sitter.
Then I thought about what I was doing and decided to blog about it.
Was going to wait until I went on my lunch.
Thought about it, decided I didn't have enough time to do it before I go to work.
Yet I feel compelled to sit here and type, right before I have to leave.
Is this just me, or is everyone like this?
This doesn't happen all the time, just every once in a while.
Strange.

Trash Tv.

Now let's get this straight from the start.
I don't watch Maury Povich. The wife does, and sometimes I'm forced to be in the room at the same time that this show ,(for lack of a better word,) is on.
Now the topic today seems to be a reoccurring one on Maury..."Who's My Baby's Daddy?"
It may seem like Maury would have to really do something special to find people willing to go on TV and put their child's paternity on the line, but it seems like they show up in droves.
The show goes something like this:

Maury: Why do you say this man is your baby's father?
Trashy Whore: Look at the eyes! Look at the lips! Of course that's his baby! He just bein' a no good dawg, an denin' his responsibility!
Slick Rick: That ain't my baby Maury. First of all that baby's black, and I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side.
Maury: But you are black.
Slick Rick: Why you gotta bring race into this Maury? Why be a hater?
Trashy Whore: Just admit it is your baby and give me money to go to the Sizzler!
Maury: And the results are in. In the case of 5 month old Shaniqua Jermanie Lateesha Jackson, You are ...

And then Maury reveals the child's paternity. Now one of two things seem to happen. Either the father jumps up, yelling that he was right and the mother is a dirty whore, while she cries in Maury's arms, or the mother jumps up and points in the face of the guy, demanding that he accept his responsibility and praising to everyone around that she was right in her quest for Paternal Justice.

Now the part that amazes me is there are women who have shown up on this show approx 6, 7, or 11 times! With the state of modern technology, especially ultrasounds, that can pretty much pinpoint the date of conception( plus or minus a few days), why would there be much confusion?Can you not remember who you slept with within that week? I can understand 1,2,or even 3 guys, but 11? That's almost two guys a day for the whole week! Did you forget about that gang bang you were in? Was it a present for the football team?

Unfortunately, 95% of the couples on the show are black. They do show the occasional white couple, but if I was a leader in the black community, I'd be asking Maury to lay off for a bit.
"Come on Maury, just skip a couple of shows, do some of the ones with the Fat Kids or Disabled People Overcoming Disabling Disabilities, first we have to deal with Kanye, and now this shit too!"

Jesus was a Bad-ass.

You know, I've always heard that "History is written by the victors."
It got me thinking.
What if Jesus wasn't really so great?
What if he was just a guy who did some nifty parlor tricks, scammed a few Jews, but in the end, had this great PR team that totally controlled the media of the times to view him in a sympathetic light?

"We'll tell the people he's there for them, that'll get them crying in Bethlehem."
" I got a better idea, lets say his dad is in charge of the Legions and he'll be pissed if they mess with him."
"Why don't we just say he's the son of God?"
"Sounds good to me, Ted. Let's run with that."
"I'll get it out on the early morning tablets."

I'm just saying until someone successfully time travels, we are never going to know what this guy was like. Imagine if you traveled 1000 years into the future and G.W. Bush was worshiped as the second coming of the Messiah?
What if the guys who wrote the Bible were the equivalent of Fox News?

I'm sure Jesus was a great guy. I would have loved to be around to meet him. But there must have been some bad days. Days when he got tired of all the apostles hanging around. Days where he was frustrated and inadvertently kicked a leper, only to have it hushed up by the liberal media. Maybe he did more than was reported with Mary Magdalene, and the PR guys just changed it to "washed her feet". Who knows? I wasn't there and neither were you, and the only account we have is a book that is partiality made up from fairly tales.

Those that have a problem with my views can click here or here.

So I Didn't Win The Lotto.

Back to whoring myself out for cheap thrills.

(Cheap ones being the only ones I can afford.)

Nothing Short Of World Domination.

Just heard (from Google News no less) that Google will possibly be opening up an E-Bay type of online marketplace. Am I excited? Meh. I don't think that Google will end up harming E-Bay in any way, I just want to see how they are going to pull it off.

I'm quite fascinated by Google. I love their search engine, (it's the only one I use) I use Gmail all the time and I have used Google Talk. I am amazed at how they go into an area that seems like everything that can be done has been done, and they come up with a new and exciting way to do it.

• Yahoo Search Engine? - We'll do it better, cleaner, faster and more relevant.
• MapQuest? - Screw that, it's all about GoogleMaps or Google Earth.
• Hotmail? - Yeah I use it, but it's my garbage mail, I use Gmail for important, relevant stuff.
• Cnn? - I just click on News on Google, which is my homepage.

I'm sure there's more and better explained reasons for why the things they do are heads and shoulders above the competition, but if it's technical stuff you want tot know about, ask Bish. I just know I like what I see.

Will I use the new Google marketplace? Probably not, as I'm not much into online shopping, but if and when I do, I'll give Google a shot. They haven't let me down yet.

If It Was Me, I'd Be Pissed.

Just had a thought: If I was Bill Watterson, the creator of "Calvin & Hobbes", I would be totally furious that there are a bunch of rednecks driving around with a picture of my creation pissing on stuff.
That has to drive him nuts. I mean here you are, the creator of a beloved icon in the comic strip world, your driving behind some guy's Ford and see Calvin on his back window pissing all over the Chevy Symbol. Would you stop the guy? Get out of your car and demand he remove this material? It's an obvious violation of copyright laws. I think I'd try to hunt down the creator of those and sue his ass off.

What is it in the mentality that screams " This is cool!"? Why not just get some paint and write FORD SUX across your back bumper? And why is it always car company or the like? You don't see someone with a house full of Ikea stuff waving signs that say "PIER ONE BITES!!!."
I'm all for stating your opinion, but do it in a more tasteful way.

I hope Bill sees this blog.
I hope he contacts me and says he likes the way I think.
I hope he sends me a present for my outspoken ways.
That is all.

Lotto Fever

The Lotto 6/49 Jackpot is now approx $40 Million Dollars.

Last week, when it was a mere $30 Million, it set off a ticket frenzy all across Canada. I'll admit, I bought my ticket, and I'll do so again. I won't do anything stupid like go over what I usually spend on the lottery, or not eat for a week just so I can get tickets. But it is nice to play that game in your imagination. "What if I won?" How would you spend the money?

If I won the entire fortune, I would probably give some to charity, just to rub it into the faces of the A&W workers from Mission, B.C. The rest? Who knows? Family will of course be taken care of, as well as others who are important to you, but having that much money would scare me. Sure, for the first time you are fiscally responsible to nobody, but the temptation to spend, spend, spend would be a bit much. You hear so many horror stories about Lotto winners who have had their lives ruined because of the windfall they've received.

I like to think I would be level-headed with it. Weather or not that would happen, I don't know. I have always said that I would like to win just enough to be debt free, (No mortgage, car payment, etcetera.) I don't mind working, I would like it so my wife doesn't have to, and I'd like a bigger chunk of my paycheck going towards retirement or the kids collage fund.
But we'll see how it all turns out.

If I win big, I'll start the "Bling Bling Blog".

Cinema Veritas

I made a post a while ago about how music is tied to memories of the past.
I was thinking today about movies. What are some of your earliest or fondest memories of movies from when you were younger? Why are they stuck in your memory? I'll say that Star Wars is a given, due to the overwhelming popularity it has in my generation, but I'll give an example of some others.

1. Firefox : I remember this movie just because it was one of the coolest things a 10 year old could see at the time. Clint-mother-fuckin-Eastwood fightin' the Russkies? A jet controlled by your thoughts? Sheer Awesome. Did not hold up to repeated viewings.
2. Fletch: This was a funny movie at the time, but the main reason I remember this one is because my brother and I were the only ones in the theatre, and they had to play it for us. We checked out all the different viewing angles from all the seats. I'm amazed the usher didn't tell us to just go home.
3. The Dark Crystal: Freaky fucking Muppets. Some parts of this movie scared the shit out of me. Doesn't anymore though, I'm a manly man now.
4. Corvette Summer: 'Cause when I first saw it, I was wondering why the hell Luke Skywalker was driving a car. ( I was only six, I hadn't really realized that actors played different roles.)
5. Halloween 3: The only reason I'm even mentioning this piece of shit is because it was one of the first movies I ever watched at a Drive-In.
6. The Muppet Movie: Because at the time, this was a huge event. My brother and I came out of this movie so high on endorphins, only to be slightly traumatized moments later when my Dad got into a car accident on the way home. ("Kid on bike off the windshield for $200 Alex")
7. Raiders of the Lost Ark: Next to the obvious cool reasons for it being such a great movie, I really loved that the lead character was not only Han Solo, ( I learned my lesson from Corvette Summer) but this was the movie that made Archeology cool. (That was my dream in 1981, to be an archaeologist.) I didn't realize that whips were used for anything but archaeology until I saw porn.
8. Zapped!: First time I recall seeing boobs in a movie. I could be wrong and it could be Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but they were both in the same year, so what. Now I think most movies are shit unless there are boobs in them. Sad, really.
9. The Secret of Nimh: Just because it was a really cool animated movie that was the most un-disney like thing I had seen at the time.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. If I really gave it some thought, then I could probably find more. I went with the movies from my child hood, Because if we went with movies that made me go "Holy Shit" , or whatever, that would be a whole other entry.....

Tell me what you remember about the movies of your younger years.

Stack 'O Quarters

I'm going to tell you about a place that doesn't seem to exist in this time anymore.
When I was a kid, this place was full of sights, sounds, lights and people of all different shapes and sizes.
It was the Video Arcade.
Nowadays you don't see many of them around, at least not in the parts of the world I have travelled in. Oh sure, you see the odd couple of games stuck in the corner of the mall, put there to hopefully soak up some change from a kid while Mommy's trying on slacks at the Gap. But the old-school, dimly lit, smokey haven of childhood glory it ain't.
I used to love going to the arcade. The music was always blaring from the jukebox, (It was a CD jukebox, I'm not that old.) and there was usually some new game that everyone was going on about.
I remember the first time I ever saw Super Mario Brothers. I was a big Excitebike fan and it was always on the far side of one of those sit-down style arcade games with a different game on each side. I can't remember what game was there the week before, but today it seemed like half of the arcade was crowded around the other side. I quickly took a look over some body's shoulder and all I could see was this massive stack of quarters lined on top of the machine. As I got a chance to look at the game itself, all I could see was this guy pounding on coin boxes and jumping on mushroom-headed guys. I was amazed. I don't know if it was the story or the setting or whatever, but that game just drew people together. I was there when the first guy in my town found a Warp Zone, and holy shit, it was big news. half the arcade stopped what they were doing just to check it out.

And an arcade was like a community. It had it's high traffic areas, it's low income areas, the games nobody could get onto, and the derelict games nobody wanted to play. There were the movers and shakers, (the Change Guy was king) the bad-asses, and pretty much the rest of us, but when it came to games, we were all equal. You'd see a nerdy guy beating a jock at Karate Champ, two girls squabbling over who was better at Bubble Bobble, and me with my hands glued to that funky control stick on Star Wars. ( Every time I heard "I've lost Artoo!" my gut would constrict and my testicles would run for cover.) There were the people who would only play pinball or Foosball, and those who thought Gridiron Fight was the best because it used a trackball. But everybody acknowledged greatness when they saw it, and to have your name as the high score on any game, be it Joust to Defender to Dragon's Lair was quite the honor. Of course there were the seedy sides to every community, just like there is in today's society. You'd have the kids who had no money try and bum quarters off you, the cheat who would unplug a game just so he could have his name as the high score, and the guys who brought in ringers to play Foosball, just because "loser pays". But those points were few and far between.

What caused the death of the classic arcade? Was it home systems? Was it the rising price to play the games? (I thought paying 50 cents for Dragon's Lair was such a fucking rip, no matter how cool the game looked.) Was the profit margin that tight that the owners of the arcades just didn't find it feasible any more? Or was it a great government conspiracy to force people away from like-mined groups of other free thinking radicals, and into their homes where it is easier to force feed them drivel, cutting them off from the herd, so to speak?

Probably the home systems, just for the simple fact of not having to wait for the other guy to finish his turn. How selfish is that? The death of a community because we don't like to share.
I'll miss the arcade of old. I don't think I can recapture the feeling now. But there was a time when, for a moment, that pocket full of quarters was my key to new and exciting worlds, anything was possible, and having twitchy fingers was a blessing in disguise.

Winds Pickin' Up...

Well there is another Hurricane possibly headed for the United States.
This makes the 12th Hurricane this season.
You know, I live in an area that has (usually) great weather and although we do have big storms here, I have yet to see something truly life threatening.
Yet it always amazes me when they interview these people on TV who keep saying "We will rebuild." I can understand if it happens once or maybe twice, but how many disasters do you have to live through before you feel you are pushing your luck with the man upstairs?
I think my magic number would be two.
I mean, you get your livelihood and possessions wiped out once, fine. Insurance will cover it, and it's only material goods after all. But if there was suddenly another major storm coming up into the area again, like a year or two,( or in the case of the U.S. lately, every six weeks,) I would say "Fuck it," and just pack up and leave. I mean why tempt fate? Will my job pay me danger pay to live in such a dangerous area? Probably not. So why live there? Sun, sand, beaches with bikinis? You can get those almost anywhere.
(And even more so in Port Alberni.)
I think I'm gonna need this one explained to me.
Please don't tell me that people stay because of a job. Is that why the guy at Taco Bell is still there? Because of his commitment to serve fine quasi-Mexican food at low, low prices, no matter what the dangers? Bullshit. I will accept financial hardship to some extent, but after your shits all destroyed, why not take the assistance the Government gives you and get the fuck out?
I'm not saying that everybody who rebuilds is a retard. (Obviously that's not the case or there would be some fucked up looking buildings being built.)
I'm just saying that if it was me, all you'd see would be the ass end of my vehicle as I was headed for the interstate, moving on to greener pastures.

I Feel Ver2.0

1. That the greatest job one could have is that of a city worker. Minimal intelligence needed, not a lot of actual work involved, and Monday to Friday would be a perk.
2. The reason I don't have a city job is because I would strangle all the dumb fucks I work with. This would interfere with possible future promotions.
3. That the thing I miss about working at the Arches is firing people. That really perked up my days, especially when it was someone I hated.
4. Firing people is actually the number two reason. Chicks with big tits during the lunch hour was number one.
5. I'm really quite addicted to the spellchecker. When there is not one available, (like when leaving comments on a blog) I get antsy, like a junkie looking for a fix.
6. That although I like the weather and temperatures of this time of year, the distinct lack of visible cleavage on the opposite sex is quite the bummer.
7. Thought for the day- Ass cleavage on chicks: Hawt. (little bit of thong? Excellent.) Ass cleavage on guys: Just plain wrong.
8. That you can't go wrong with dick and fart jokes.
9. That most days look a lot brighter after a cup of coffee.......and a blowjob.
10. A lot of my days aren't that bright.

Clarification

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Instant Family, Just Add Water.

When you date a girl who has kids, what does that make you? Are you the Step-Daddy? The Father-to-be-Named-Later? What is your role?
I know a couple of guys who have instant family's like that. I don't know if I could do it.
Oh, I could bang the bejesus outta some hot mama, but don't expect me to be making breakfast before the kids go to school.
I think it's somewhat like someone finding a pair of shoes that have been discarded on the road. They look like someone else's shoes, could even have a name marked on the inside. But you pick'em up, dust 'em off and proudly proclaim that you are going to wear these shoes and take care of them like it was the first pair you owned. Problem is, you've never worn shoes before.

How would you discipline a kid who knows that the only reason you're around is because Mommy likes your man-candy? Do you have any authority to do so? I know that later on when my son gets lippy, I can tell him that I had to change his shitty ass when he was younger and that gives me every right to boss him around. If he wants to be in charge I'll pinch a loaf right there and see how he likes the mess.

What if the real Dad is still around? How the hell do you work that out? " Hey you know what's funny? Your kids call me Daddy, and so does their Mom when we're in the sack." Gonna make for an uncomfortable Christmas.

I know that it's possible to really care for these children, but it's got to be like when you were a kid. Sure, you'd borrow your friends baseball cards, and you would take real good care of them. But if you lost one or two, so what? You felt bad, but it's not like they were your baseball cards.

I guess I'm gonna be a great Dad to my kids, just horrible to anyone else's.

Turkey Day

Big fan of Turkey. Not the country, but the bird. Pluck it, clean it, baste it, chuck it in the oven, surround it with tasty morsels that complement it's incredible taste, and then call me to the table.
There's only one thing I enjoy eating more than turkey, and that's pussy. But since my family would freak if I did that at the table, and the knowledge that gravy will burn a woman's tender parts, prevents me from attempting that over the holiday weekend.
I kinda like that there's a holiday that basically celebrates food. I know, a lot of you are saying that Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family and be thankful for all the good that has happened in our lives this past year, but really, who even likes half their family anymore? What are the people in New Orleans thankful for? It's nice to say that it's good to be alive, but how do you have a family dinner when your dinning room table was looted, and there's two feet of mold on all the silverware?
It's all about the food. Savoring the smells, flavors and textures of each dish. Slipping gleefully into the "Turkey Coma" on the couch afterwards. Soups, sandwiches and shepherds pie for days on end, and even that little bit of disappointment when you realize the last leftover is gone.

I may have trouble posting after this, due to my possible inability to squeeze behind the keyboard, or the danger of not being able to get my lazy ass off the couch.

Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Porn.

• Easiest ways to pick up a girl: Meet on street, (with camera rolling) say "Wanna Fuck?" then go crazy. Order pizza, and if it's a chick driving, you automatically get to "Give her the tip".
• Ladies want to bang anywhere,anyplace, anytime.
• If you meet twins, of course you get to fuck them both. The thought of sex with their sibling excites them, as opposed to grossing them out.
• The Donkey Punch is a finely executed sexual maneuver that was mistakenly left out of the Kama Sutra.
• Condoms are for Wuzzies.
• If you are banging a Japanese woman, there is sure to be blood, urine, feces, and possibly tentacles in school uniforms involved.
• When caught with another woman, your spouse will feel obliged to join in, rather than killing you.
• Strangers are just people you haven't fucked yet.
• Most women prefer to look at semen closely, thus the reason for shooting it in their eyes.
• Women only wear two kinds of panties, thongs and none.
• Sex on a bed is for amateurs. Trapezes are where it's at.
• Stds are a myth perpetuated by frigid bitches.
• All women secretly want to share their man with their best friend.
• If a woman rejects you, she's obviously a dyke, which means she just needs a good " deep dicking"
• And if she's a dyke she must be hot, 'cause there are no fat & ugly lesbians.

Why the need for a list? Who knows. What have you learned from porn that you'd like to share with the world?

I'm Not Posting Right Now

Unlike every other Canadian fanboy, I'm not going to be posting about the fact that today is the first day of the National Hockey League season.
I won't tell you how happy I am that Hockey is finally back, and if you read my August 04 post, I don't need to reiterate how I feel the new cap system will hopefully create some parity and some close games in all the divisions.
Of course it would be completely unnecessary to explain that I believe that Hockey will come back stronger than ever, at least in the Canadian markets, so why would I bother to even post about it?
I'm sure that you already know how I and thousands of other Canadians feel, so I feel no real need to say what has been said so many countless times in the past few weeks.
Hockey's back, although you didn't hear it from me.

What Is And What Should Never Be

You know, I was so infatuated with the Very Pretty Girl that I completely forgot to mention how the concert was.
(By the way, the Very Pretty Girl has yet to contact me, except in my dreams.)

So... Robert Plant, supposed Rock God, lead singer of one of the most influential bands in rock and roll, and idol to millions of 50- something's who wish they had their youth and hair back.
What can I say about finally seeing this legend on stage?
It was a letdown.
I guess I was expecting too much. I know that he's gotten older, and that I should not expect him at his peak form, but I would like the occasional Zepplin tune to at least sound like a Led Zepplin song. I firmly believe that the number one rule for all artists and musicians is: Give Them What They Want. I know that you may not want to play D'yer Maker for the fourteen thousandth time, but you know what? That's what we want to hear. It's what I paid 60 bucks for. I did not come to see Robert Plant cover Bob Dylan. If I wanted that, I'd pay a street musician to cover Robert Plant covering Bob Dylan.
I know that you are going to do some of the songs from your new album and that's OK. But when you do launch into some of the songs that made you famous, you think they would be at least on key and not all messed up because you think some guy in your band is shit-hot on the sitar. And who brings a fuckin' mandolin to a rock concert?
Thank god the opening band, The Trews, were awesome, and in my opinion, kicked ass all over the headliner. And that was with half a stage and mediocre lighting.
I guess going to Pearl Jam less than a month earlier had something to do with my disappointment. Plant should have watched a video of that to see how a concert should be done.
Enough negativity, I'm outta here.