Saturday, March 25, 2006

Superman's A Dick.

I must admit, if I was a superhero, I'd be a pretty shitty one.

It's not like I'd be a super-villain, I'm not that much of an asshole.

I would probably just end up putting my own best interests ahead of the greater good. Mostly it would be kinda tame stuff, like picking up people's cars and moving them to different parking spaces, creating sonic booms as I flew over residential neighborhoods, and incredible misuse of the x-ray vision. (If you know what I mean).

I'd try to do a good job and help people out, but you'd have to expect some scheduling conflicts. What do you do if there is a bus load of children going off a bridge at the exact same moment you are "comparing powers" with a hot heroine? Tough choice, right?
But I'm sure someone else would help the kids....

And then there is the matter of Sidekicks. Do you really need that dead weight dragging you down? And why bother having somebody around who is only going to write a "tell all" memoir after you fire their lazy ass for drinking all your beer? Sure, you need someone around to go fetch coffee and to help clean up the secret hideout, but is it really worth the hassle? Just get a fuckin' maid. That's all a Sidekick is anyway, just a maid with shorter pants and a cape.

It would be nice to be able to do some good, though. I'd start small, just helping get cats out of trees, or helping dogs get up to cats in trees, whatever was necessary. Gradually I would move on to bigger stuff, but it would be best to keep it small at first.

But it's all just a dream until I have one of those crazy, bizarre accidents to grant me some powers. So if anyone needs me, I'll be holding the lightning rod in the thunderstorm, waiting for the toxic waste truck to get hit by an alien meteorite as it drives by.


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