The Way I See It...

• Starbucks should go back to having witty, pithy sayings on their cups - rather than the self righteous, politically correct crap that I have to read when I'm enjoying my Skinny Latte.
• They should also hire Baristas who are able to stay away from the biscotti and macadamia cookies - the ones at my local Starbucks are obviously having trouble with this.
• Kids should not be allowed in Starbucks. Tonight the Sidekick and I had to listen to some kid screech it's head off while the parents sipped their Grande, 5-pump, no foam, no water, extra hot Tazo Chai Latte. I have kids, and even I wanted to smack them.
  

But damn, it's good coffee.



Later.

"Just One More Question..."

I'm not a huge fan of surveys.

I get invites from my phone company, my credit cards, my bank, and many others to participate in the picking of my brain, hoping they can glean out what makes me do the things that I do.

Good Fucking Luck.

I never answer phone surveys, but every once in a while I'll participate in an online one. Sometimes I like to fuck with the system and answer a survey like I was someone else.

I just answered a Telus survey like I was a young drag queen.

I told them I don't care what time of day the repairman comes by, as long as he's wearing those tight denim shorts. I said the most important scheduling aspect of any repair service was the astrological alignment of the plants Jupiter and Uranus. I also sid I made all my cellular choices based on what my cat says.

I hope they get a lot of useful information from all that.

Worse case scenario is that some gay guy from Telus looks me up for "follow up information."

Then I'll just give them The Sidekick's name.



Later.

CM

900 Posts.

That's got to work out to at least:

• 2250 spelling or grammatical errors. (Thanks Spellcheck, - and Bish)
• 536 shitty Posts.
• 63 mediocre Posts. (Talking about clouds, or shit like that.)
  
• 17 Posts where I was too lazy to come up with anything, so I threw up something from YouTube instead.
• 4 serious Posts. (Because the Internet is serious business.)
• 32 Posts about food, beverages, thoughts on food or beverages, wishing I had food or beverages... you get the idea.
• 11 Posts where I mention my penis. (Believe me, I checked.)
• 37 Posts where I bitch about work, working, the people at work, or any combination thereof.
• 29 Posts where it seems that the Hetro-Life Mate and I are more than just "friends."
• 14 Posts about Movies. It didn't have to be something spectacular - just fanboy gushing, mostly. Lord knows I wouldn't write about something cultural.
• 42 Posts that have suggestive sexual overtones, or I blatantly state how horny I am.
• 41 Posts that made sense at the time, but looking back I have no idea what I was talking about.
• 23 Posts that were complete in-jokes, and only two of you understood.
• 15 Posts that I've removed for sensitive, personal reasons.
  
• 8 Posts where I talked about hitting milestones. (100 posts, 200 Posts, etc.)
  
• 7 Posts that rambled nowhere and didn't make any sense.
• 6 Posts that made you laugh and chuckle.
• 5 Posts that were totally about bobbies - but didn't seem like it at the time.
• 4 Posts that were comedic gold, and overlooked by the Academy
• 3 Posts where I showed my charming, intellectual side.
• 2 Posts about something relevant - politics or news. It wasn't informed or opinionated, just what I thought at the time.
• This Post.
  
• .

That about sums it up, eh?



Later.

Torturing Myself.

Want to know what torture is?

I'll tell you what it isn't.

• It isn't exercising twice a day for the last six weeks.
• It isn't eating leafy greens and veggies until I'm a walking repository of Beta-Carotene.
• It isn't sweating so much that you feel like your middle name should be "estuary".

Torture is taking your kids through the drive-thru at McDonald's (because they begged you), getting them hotcakes, and having to breathe in that smell all the way home. I almost broke down and wept on the way back.

I'll admit - they aren't great hotcakes. Ever since they went to the frozen-microwave-and-serve variety the taste just hasn't been the same. But the smell - Oh God, the smell. If a woman wants to be ravished, (at least by me) just dab a McDonald's hotcake behind each ear and watch me go to town. It smells like vanilla cake mixed with a dab of heaven.

Needless to say, I sat at the far end of the table when my kids were eating.

If the U.S. really wanted to get tough with the detainees in Guantanamo, they'd have a couple dozen microwaves going full tilt, just outside the wire. That, coupled with some well placed fans, would be the best not-really-torture-but-it's-torture-really that you could get.

Better than the waterboarding they've been doing, right?



Later.

Look But Don't Touch.

Remember when I said I had to do that technological upgrade for work?

Well the reason for it is on the right.

We switched over to a new pinpad/terminal system for all our debit/credit transactions. Today was the first day of the switch.

Guess what? I didn't even get to use them once.

It's not like I wasn't helping to cash people through - I usually have to help out at least 3-4 times a day. But today, every single person I helped paid with cash.

It was weird. I had this great technological toy I wanted to use, and no one used their debit card. You have no idea how strange it is. Everyone pays with debit (or credit) - cash is almost the least seen type of currency around here.

It's like God was laughing at me.

"Ha ha, little man - looks like you'll be waiting a while to use that shiny toy!"

Asshole.

You know how it is when you get a new cell or cordless phone, and you have to wait 24 hours for the battery to charge up before use? That is what today was like - that interminable waiting period before you get a chance to play with the shiny new object.

It sucks.

I think tomorrow I'll buy a pack of gum (on debit) just so I can play.

Dentyne Ice, anyone?




Later.

Breakable.

So I roll up to work today, and what do I find?

Broken glass.

It was vandalism, as far as we can tell. No one got inside, and nothing was taken.

But what a pain in the ass.

Having to deal with the cleanup, the repair, (has to wait until tomorrow) and the endless questions from people about "What's happened to your door?" is maddening.

I'd like to find out who did it and break the windows where he/she works/lives.
It would be a pleasant retribution.

If you need me I'll be over in the corner.. sweeping up glass.



Later.

Of Dog Shit & White Shoes.

I suggest a theory:

God hates me.


Justification of my theory:

The whiter I want to keep my new shoes is directionally proportionate to the chance that I'll step in random dog shit. The frustration factor is multiplied by the fact that I a) do not own a dog, and by all rights should not come into contact with said species fecal matter, and b) hate the smell of said matter more than anything in the world.

It's not like I don't watch where I put my feet - I do. I suspect that some almighty entity is playing tricks on me, and conjuring piles of the stuff to magically appear under my shoe.

If you look at it, it's the only reasonable answer.

Right?



Later.

Odorous Chapeau.

See the hat to the right?

It's exactly like the one I wear to the gym. (Don't mind the Bulldog - I'm not trying to make a statement - it was in a discount bin.)

As I stated here and here, I'm a sweater. To solve the problem of it running into my yes and ears, I wear the hat. It acts like a sweatband, but without looking totally gay. Thus I enjoy my workout without having to wipe my face every five minutes and just throw it into my gym bag when I'm done.

And therein lies the problem.

The hat has taken on a life of it's own.

I've aired it out, ( a bit) but it's continued use and oft-forgotten confinement in my gym bag has left it with a certain aroma. (Why do I remember to do my gym laundry but forget the hat's in there?) I'm in a conundrum as to what to do about it. I need it, but what's the point of looking buff and sexy when you've got a fetid odor emanating from your head.?

What's the best way to deal with this?

• Suck it up and buy a new hat, cheapo.
• Wash it, possibly ruin it, and buy a new hat.
• Pray for divine guidance - hope Jesus returns with a new lid for me.
• Get one of those gay, wash-your-hat-in-the-dishwasher things - and feel like less of a man.
• Dangle these from my ears.
• Ignore it, and hope it will go away. (The correct man-thing to do.)
• Stop wearing the hat, and look like I'm melting every time I'm on the rowing machine.

None of them seem like excellent solutions.

I'm airing it out tonight, and I'll maybe wave the Febreze bottle at it before I go to sleep. Barring inspiration, I'll decide what to do after that.

But if your at the gym, an catch a whiff of gorgeous man-odor - it's either me on the treadmill - or I left my hat behind.



Later.

Most Retarded Moment Ever.

So the other day I'm heading to the gym, and I grab my iPod.

I go to turn it on and nothing happens - dead as a doornail.

Now it's been a while since I charged it - I figured I may have left it on in the car or something and the battery ran out.

I plug it into my computer and everything seems great. Charging just fine. Later on I undock it and have it ready to go for the next day.

24 hours later? It won't turn on. I was pissed. I've never had problems with it, and for it to give up the ghost like this got me really steamed. I was cursing Steve jobs and the unfairness of the universe. I was about to cast it away in disgust when I happened to glance at the top of it.

Guess what?

Yeah - the Hold Switch is on. I'm a dumb motherfucker who didn't even think to check the simplest thing. One flick and my (fully charged) iPod is good to go. I only deprived myself of music for two days 'cause I'm an idiot, not because Apple failed me.

I'm sorry, Steve - I'll never doubt you again.


Later.

I Lost Short Round's Head.

I envy today's children.

Why?

Because they get cool shit like this. Indiana Jones Lego. Is that not the coolest fucking thing ever?

When I was a kid, Lego sucked balls. (Not real balls - if it did, I'd have a fonder memory of it.) You only had three colors, maybe some wheels, and everything you made looked like shit. Sure, you could make a plane, but it looked like something the Wright brother's dog threw up. And for some reason every hat for my Lego men disappeared. It takes away from the illusion if you can see the Lego name stamped on top of your hero's pointy yellow head. (Why was every Lego guy Asian? What was up with that?)

I wonder if they have all the characters. I'd like the Temple of Doom set - where Mola Ram rips that peasant's heart out and casts it into the flames. Or the Plane Fight set - when Indy kicks that big Nazi into the propeller. Too much to ask?

The cool thing is, my son wants it. I just have to find some way to contrive a reason to get it for him.

I hope all the boxes look like this .

That would be too much to hope for.


Later.

I Want To Be A Rock Star..

More importantly, I want to be an 80's Rock Star.

You see, being a Rock Star nowadays has it's drawbacks. You are constantly in the public eye, held accountable for your beliefs and actions, and expected to lend your support to a number of worthwhile causes.

80's Rock Stars didn't have to do any of that. Did you ever hear anyone ask Kip Winger what he thought about the starving kids in Africa? Hell no - he was too busy singing Seventeen and banging hot chicks to care if some kid missed a couple of meals.

Sure, the paparazzi watched Tommy Lee, and reported what he was doing - but who cared? You could have printed that he was drunk out of his mind, bought some coke and went home with 3 women and people would have just shook there heads and said "That Tommy". Vince Neil even killed a guy and all he got was probation.

That kind of reckless, unaccountable, morally corrupting lifestyle is mighty inviting, don'tcha think?

My only problems would be the spandex, makeup, and hair. If I have trouble telling the difference between my band mates and the groupies, somethings wrong. I'd hate to grab the first thing I see when I get off stage and find it's got the same tackle as me.

Yes, there are perks and pitfalls, but I'd be willing to try it out for a while at least. I just have to work on "Throwing the Horns" and my extended guitar solos. Do you think Guitar Hero would help with that?

Sweet.

See you at the reunion tour.



Later.

I Feel....

1. Confused - I'm not sure who pisses me off more: The drivers in this town or the pedestrians. When I'm driving I want to smack them all, preferably with the hood of my car.
2. Elated - When you flip over Quad 8's and win a bunch of your money back.. Oh God, yes.
3. Frustrated - If you've ever tried to dress a two-year old that "wants to do it himself", you know what I'm talking about.
4. Amazed - That my tubby ass can finally fit into jeans I wore eight months ago.
5. Disbelief - Really, I can't believe the jeans fit.
6. Depressed - I really wanted HDDVD to win the format war. It's not that I hate Sony, it's just the spelling of "Blu" in Blu-Ray really pisses me off.
7. Irritated - That people who have no idea how a computer functions think it's okay to just "click around". Would you stick your hand into a running car engine to just "feel around"? Now I have to make the drive and fix that shit, retard.
8. Perplexed - That I haven't done an "I Feel" list in so long, yet I still struggle to have 10 things to list. (I guess the mind is starting to slip.)
9. Exhausted - It's tiring being this great. You have no idea how much energy it takes to be this fabulous. (And I mean fabulous in the "phenomenal" sense - not the "gay" sense.)
10. Minty - 'Cause this gum is the fucking greatest.

Later.

Can't Wait For Trewsday.

Right now, I'm basking in audio glory.

I'm listening to the Trews new album, No Time For Later. It's release date is Tuesday, but there's a link on their site that takes you to MuchMusic where you can preview the whole album.

So far, I'm really liking it.

I like it when you can tell a band has grown between albums, but they are also able to stay true to the sound that made you like them in the first place. I think the Trews have pulled it of with this one.

Tracks I really like right now are Man of Two Minds, Paranoid Freak, and Ocean's End.

I like the whole thing, actually - but if I had to pick first impressions, those would be the ones. If it's anything like the last album each song will grow on me, and I'll discover each of them in their own time. I miss the drive to work that I use to have - it gave me time to listen to all this music. (I'm starting to walk to work now that the frost is only a quarter-inch thick - I'll have the time then I guess.)

If you get a chance, check it out.

And since I'm off Tuesday, I'll see you in line at the CD store.



Later.

Aren't What They Used To Be.

If it wasn't for Spellcheck, I'd look like a retard.

My typing skills have gone way down lately. I'm making mistakes that would shame even The Sidekick. (Sorry Bro, I had to use you as an example people could relate to.)

If I was to just type and post an entry without Spellcheck and proofreading, you would all think that one of the kids had got online and was banging away at my keyboard. That or I had a seizure mid-post.

But is it my hands or my brain that's slipping?

I could probably take the loss of one or the other, but not both.

We'll see how it progresses, but if I start Video blogging, then you know it's the hands that have gone. (If I start talking about Port Alberni all the time, you'll know it's the brain.)



Later.

Better Latte Then Never.

I think I'm ready for Starbucks again.

I stopped going there for dietary reasons. My favorite, the Venti White Chocolate Mocha, topped in at 580 calories per! (Not a gay drink, just fattening.) That's just under the amount I eat at a meal.

It hurt, but I let it go.

I've been doing really well with the contest, (although this week I lost only 2 pounds instead of my usual 5) having lost almost 20 pounds so far. I don't want to jeopardize what I've accomplished, but I would like to enjoy a real caffeine fix every once in a while.

I was checking The Starbucks website for nutritional information when I started reading about their Skinny Lattes and Mochas. I'd heard of them before, but never bothered to look anything up. (I figured a Skinny coffee was the equivalent of a Lite Big Mac.) I can have a Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (No Whip) and it's only 160 calories - that's a lot easier to fit into my day than 580.

Which means I'll be fitting into my old jeans soon.

Coffee anyone?



Later.

(P.S. - I tried on a pair today - I'm in my old jeans now - but I'd still like to go down at least one more size.)

February Stars.

Yeah, I know it's Valentine's Day, and I should be posting either lovey-dovey stuff or ranting against the corporate mechanism that spawned this day, but my heart's not in it.

This morning I treated myself.

The kids were playing by themselves so I grabbed my coffee, hit the couch and started watching Skin and Bones. I have the album, but had never seen all of the concert. (Just bits and pieces.) It was being broadcast in Hi-Def last Sunday, and I was wise enough to PVR the fuck out of it - almost knowing that eventually I'd have a moment to watch it.

Fuck it's great.

The intimacy, flow, and setlist are spectacular. I have to say, if you asked me to choose between seeing The Foo play a acoustic set or a balls-to-the-wall rock set, I'd have a hard time choosing.

One of my all-time favorite Foo songs is February Stars - I can't tell you for sure, because I have about 15 or 20 all-time favorite Foo songs. (That makes narrowing it down extremely difficult.) Listening to that song today is what inspired me to post - Dave Grohl is my muse, I guess.


If you get a chance to watch it, please do so.
If you get a chance to see them live - I envy you like a fat kid envy's the Ice Cream Man.



Later.

No Help At All.

At some point during my technical work the other day I encountered a snag, and had to call a help desk.

At first, it wasn't too bad - I had someone who knew what they were talking about and helped me as best they could. When we still couldn't resolve it, they suggested politely that I call the manufacturer of the hardware that was giving me issues.

That turned out to be the phone call from hell.

Not only was the phone connection terribly bad, (there was a echo delay of two or three seconds- after speaking, I could hear myself repeating what was just said.) but it was so obvious that the guy had no clue and was just reading from a script. At one point, I asked him a relevant question, and he ignored it - he just kept reading along. He repeated the same instructions to me three times even though I'd told him I did what he instructed the first time he asked. It's like he wasn't even paying attention.

In the end I hung up on him and fixed it (with a bit of brainstorming from my brother-in-law) myself.

I wish that there was a button you could push that told the techs " I'm a guy with enough knowledge to do this if you point me in the right direction." instead of "Treat me like a retard and pretend I'm not even looking at the monitor." I know they have to assume that you don't know anything, but shouldn't it be obvious after three or four minutes that someone has a clue, and maybe is cable of stuff that's not on the script?

Ah, whatever - the problem's fixed now.

I hope I never have to call that number again.
I think I'll die a little inside if I have to.



Later.

Two Posts, No Waiting.

So yesterday I posted twice.

I had just finished one post, and the inspiration for the other hit me. They were both time sensitive, so to do one and save the other for a later date would have been retarded. (Hey look! He posted about the Grammys four days after they aired! What a douche!)


I just don't want all of you to get used to twice-daily postings - too much of my musings can be addictive and lead to abnormal behavior.

And I can't be responsible for that.

I'll try to keep it to one-a-day from now on.



Later.

Congratulations, Dave.

The Foo Fighters took home Grammys for Best Hard Rock Performance and Rock Album.

Was there ever any doubt?

I'd still sell my soul to see them when they are in Van - any takers?


Later.

Upgradeable.

Tomorrow is going to be a tricky day.

See, I'm not only the Dairy Manager at work, I'm also the pro-temp IT guy. They like to have me around whenever anything "newfangled" and "digital" needs to be dealt with. This can be anything from debit machines to setting up the network. I enjoy it, and they do reward me nicely.

But tomorrow is tricky because I have to to a couple of things:

1. Upgrade a shitty computer that they have,
   
2. Setup the network in the Main Office.
3. Install, hook up to the network, and test the new debit terminals,
4. Make sure to explain in simple terms what I did so they can understand.

The last one is the worst part.

Trying to explain to people that you can't just "put the disk in and everything is magically ok."is almost infuriating. They seem to think that I can get all of this done in about an hour ( I laughed at that part) and that it's all going to work wonderfully the first time. (Can you tell they've never done anything with computers before?) I'm also not at my regular location, all this is at the other store - so it's not like I can just stop and check on my stuff if need be.

But I'll get it done - and look like a genius in the end.

It's just going to be maddening, that's all.

I can deal.



Later.