Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Visual Acuity.

I'm proud to be a man.

In this day and age of politeness and political correctness, I'm not afraid to stand up and say "I'm a Man, dammit!" I burp, I grunt, I fart - sometimes all at once. I do manly things, like work hard, pay my taxes, go to the gym, enjoy the sight of a fine pair of breasts, and publicly whine about shit on the Internet.

But my gender shames me with a couple of things, and one of those things is going to the restroom.

It doesn't matter if its in the public bathroom at work, the staff men's room, restaurant washrooms, port-a-potties - whatever - every time I go somewhere to take a piss it's like the previous occupant pissed everywhere BUT the toilet (or urinal).

Really guys - we have to do better than this. It's embarrassing. I've seen better accuracy from Stormtroopers in Star Wars movies. At times it looks like the guy before me had some sort of seizure mid-stream - there's no other way to account for the "collateral" spray.

I know I'm not the only one who has noticed this. Type "Urinal Target" into Google Image Search and be amazed at the amount of products people are willing to stick in a urinal just to control the damage. (I was amazed at the amount of Jane Fonda and Barack Obama targets - do Republicans like pissing on people? Isn't there a Glen Beck target a Democrat could piss on?) It's kind of sad that they have to turn it into a game just so we can keep our dicks under control.

And that's what's most shameful of all, isn't it? We praise hunters, athletes, police, and other military personnel for their accuracy with guns, but shouldn't we be shaming every guy for the inaccuracy of what I consider the Most Important Gun? "Jeez Bob, it's great that you can shoot the eye out of a squirrel at 2000 meters, but could ya try not to piss all over the seat?" If you can't keep the one between your legs aimed at a porcelain target, you shouldn't be able to have any other type of gun.

As a gender, I think we have to address this ASAP. It's been ignored long enough. We shouldn't have to stand in another man's puddle while we try to empty our bladder. The next time you're at the urinal and the guy next to you is getting sloppy, make sure you say something to him. (If it makes you feel comfortable, you can always preface it with "No Homo".)

Do it for cleanliness.

Do it for pride.

Do it for our gender.

Control your dick.


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