The Unusual Suspects.

The Place:
Victoria, British Columbia.

The Time:
2:30 am

The Setting:
A dive pizza place called Second Slice, packed with drunk patrons looking to satisfy their hunger after closing the bar moments before.

The Players:
Me (Happily Drunk),
Hipster Bearded Guy (HBG),
Young Hot Girl (YHG),
and introducing She-Meth - Queen of the Meth-heads.

Here's how it went down:

After stuffing my face with subpar pizza, my bladder decided that it needed to empty itself before we walked the streets of Victoria on our way back to the Sidekick's place.

I headed to the only bathroom in the joint - a one room affair that you have to be "buzzed" into. This necessity was bypassed by the fact that the next person in line just grabbed the door before it closed when the other person was leaving. This system seemed to he working well, considering almost everyone who was going in and out of the bathroom was hammered.

She-Meth was next in line to get in, and HBG and I were after her. To describe the majesty of She-Meth with just words is impossible - just picture the bottom of a garbage can with more hair and less teeth.

She-Meth must have been thinking about firing up her next pipe, because she completely missed grabbing the door when the previous occupant exited. As you can imagine, when presented with the closed door, the urgency to pee, and the necessity that someone has give up their spot to go to the front counter and get buzzed in, Methy did just what you'd expect - she froze, made some strange noises and scratched at her face.

HBG, realizing that Methy wasn't going to do anything, said he'd get the door buzzed if I would hold his spot. I said sure and he headed to the counter, leaving me and Methy alone in the hall.

After about 5 seconds of looking around blankly, Methy notices me. This is our conversation as I remember it:
Methy - "I really gotta pee."
Me - "There's a lot of that going around."
Methy - blank stare (obviously not aware of my incredible sense of humor.)
Methy then reaches into her grubby, dirty, stained jeans pocket and pulls out a shiny, compact, purple digital camera - she looks at me and says "Wanna buy a camera?"
Me - (knowing that the camera was probably just stolen minutes ago) "I'm good - just here to pee."

At that point the door buzzed and Methy puts the camera away and dashes inside. HBG returns and takes his spot as first in line. It's only about 15 seconds later that YHG walks up.

YHG - "Is it okay if I go into the bathroom next? I just want to wash my hands."
I glance at HBG - it's his call, but I can tell he's thinking that she's just lying to steal his spot in line.
HBG - "Sure - but I have to watch you wash them."

As odd as that request sounds, it makes sense - if YHG was just planning on sneaking in to pee, she would turn down his demand - if she was being honest, he could just hold the door open while she washed her hand and go in after.

YHG accepts the deal, and almost immediately Methy comes out of the bathroom. She must have thought she was being chased by bugs or something, because she just bolted past us and raced to the front door. I wasn't sorry to see her go.

(Side note: So glad I wasn't next in line - using the bathroom after whatever Methy was doing was really something I was not looking forward to.)

So HBG grabs the door and YHG heads in to wash her hands. I then watch in amazement as HBG follows her in and the door closes.

Now there were a couple possible scenarios going on behind that door: Either HBG was waiting for her to wash and then leave him to do his business, or he pulled out his dick and just started pissing while YHG scrubbed away at the sink right beside the toilet. The latter seemed to be the most uncomfortable for YHG in my opinion.

(I also considered the fact that they may be getting it on in there. Hoped that wasn't happening because a) I really had to pee by this time, and b) being passed over for HBG would have been quite the blow to my ego.)

After waiting for what seemed like hours, (a full bladder warps one's perception of time) the door opened and YHG rushed out, followed a half second later by HBG - judging by the quickness of YHG's exit, I'm guessing I was correct in guessing that HBG decided to show her "The Goods".

I didn't hang around to find out how it went - I grabbed the door and proceeded to feel relief much like our planet does after a major earthquake - that much pressure being released at once is a phenomenal sight, and I stood waaay back just to avoid the overspray.

Having done my duty, I washed up and proceeded out into the Victoria evening, bladder empty, stomach full, and shaking my head at the people you meet in the wee hours.

(Yeah, that last pun was intentional.)





Later.