Saturday, June 03, 2006

Rabid Fanboy.

I've been avoiding this like the plague for the last little while.
The Sidekick sends me updates all the time. I don't check them out.
I've stayed away from everything about this movie except seeing the posters, which is pretty damn good considering the subject matter and the fact that I have an Internet connection.


Because if there is one movie I don't want to see screwed up by Hollywood it's Superman.
They've fucked me over too many times to just accept that they are going to do even a decent job. I can take a mediocre Daredevil, or a sub-par Hulk, and I've even come to almost forgive Schumacher for the atrocity of Batman & Robin. ( Almost, I said, I'd still like to poke his fucking eyes out.) Just don't fuck around with Superman.

See, the original Superman came out in 1978. I was six years old. The tagline for the movie was "You'll believe a man can fly!" - and I did. I accepted each character for what they were, and I didn't question anything except for why Luthor had hair for most of the film. I think one of the first erections I can recall was seeing Ms. Teschmacher in that red dress. ( Sadly she looks horrible now. I checked IMDb on a whim.) Next to Star Wars, this is one of the most fondly recalled movies of my childhood.

Only to be shit on five years later.

Hey, Superman 2 came out in 1980, and it was good. I was a sophisticated eight year old, and I really liked the fact that they included the Phantom Zone, and gave Supes some people he could really pound on. Revealing himself to Lois, only to give her selective amnesia later? Brilliant. However, Empire Strikes Back also came out that year, so I was more saddened by the perceived end of a saga then I was engrossed by the Big Blue Boy Scout. Besides, Hollywood had done right by ol' Supes, they wouldn't mess that up would they?

And then came Superman 3.
Richard Lester should be shot. Richard Pryor should be (and I believe was,) ashamed. This movie fucked over what could have been a great trilogy, but instead stopped it dead in it's tracks. Synthetic Kryptonite? Laced with tobacco tar? The only good scene in the movie was Drunk Superman in the bar. That must have been the day they ran out of mescaline on the set.

I was eleven years old. This movie practically made me want to throw up. I was at the pinnacle of my comic book fanboyism, and to have this atrocity out there really bothered me. I drowned my sorrows in Slushies and pilfered Playboys, and any cracks in my moral character can stem from this time.

Superman 4? I refuse to admit this movie even exists, except that it may be used to torture International terrorists and people who don't shut off their turn signal while driving.

So you can see my hesitation in checking out anything in regards to the upcoming Superman Returns. I can't take anymore disappointment. If it sucks really bad, I just might go on a rampage and kick some ass in Tinseltown.

But I did check out a trailer. I'll admit it, I was weak. All the pressure from the Sidekick, the constant barrage of "Did you check that link I sent you?", I finally broke. I went to the movie site and looked.

Fuck You, Joe.
Now I'm excited.
It looks great and seems to have a semblance of a story.
Here's to hoping they don't fuck it up again.



  1. Bryan Singer will not fuck this up...i have faith...bount time you checked out the trailer fucker...

  2. "... International terrorists and people who don't shut off their turn signal while driving."

    ... an'd peopl'e wh'o us'e a'n apostroph'e badl'y.

  3. Anonymous2:10 am

    Return of the Jedi came out in 1983. What now!

  4. you know it's funny - I meant to say empire, but for some reason siad Jedi. Go figure.

    I'll fix it later.

  5. Fixed the error. I hope nobody tells George. He'll think it's a great idea, and reline the trilogy that way.

    "It was supposed to be like that all along!"