Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Definitive Weights and Measures.

I was writing some other blog post last night* and I used the word "Fuckton". I'm a superlative kind of guy, so in real life it's a word I use often.

  • At Home: "Holy shit, honey - That's a Fuckton of groceries. Are we feeding the entire neighborhood?"  
  • At the Gym: "I have a Fuckton of work to get done today, and I'd rather be running."
  • At Work: "Who ordered the Fuckton of Cream Cheese? Are we selling wholesale to the fatties now?"
 Just to make sure I was using it in the proper context, I looked for a definition. Merriam-Webster was no help, so I checked out one of the better alternatives - Urban Dictionary.

Urban Dictionary defines Fuckton as:

1: n. A very large amount. 2: Very heavy unit of measure. 3: A futon sofa that is used for sexual purposes. 3: More than a shitload 4: A measurement used to describe theoretical objects. Equal to exactly 2 Shitloads + 12 Assload.

I'm not sure how many pounds are in a Shitload or Assload, but I'm guessing a lot. That bit with the futon both creeps me out and reminds me of when I first moved out on my own and futons were cool. (It was the 90's - don't ask.)

Then there's the Metric Fuckton, or Fuck ton, Fuck-tonne, Fuck tonne, or Fuck-ton:

Generally used to imply superlative quantity with the Metric standard included to emphasize this point. The inclusion of the term is, however, fundamentally a misuse of that standard, as the Imperial Fuckton (2000 Imperial Fuckpounds) denotes a slightly greater measure of fuckweight within Earth's gravitational pull than does the Metric Fuckton (1000 Metric Fuckilograms)

I'm not sure of the conversion rate between Kilograms and Fuckilograms, and I really don't think it matters. When I read that sentence, I visualize a gentleman with a British accent, a top hat and a cup of tea - he's reading it Masterpiece Theatre-style - all class and elegance.

Ahhh - class and elegance- it's what Urban Dictionary is all about. It's like Wikipedia without the verification or sense of responsibility. I'm surprised at how much time I wasted there.

But I digress - I've spent enough time telling you about it. I've got to go back and see if I can find a definition for Vagina Cake Balls.


*Don't go looking for it - it's unpublished. That's the rigorous editing and revision process I have for the high-quality posting that goes on around here, people.


  1. The good ole' urban dictionary!
    I feel informed now.

  2. Oh, btw...I am over here now....
    Wanted to remove my last I changed my URL.

  3. Fuck tonne sounds really classy. I think it will elevate me.