Goodbye, 2007.

See ya later, '07.

I missed out on most of my resolutions (especially the weight loss ones) but all in all you weren't a bad year.

There were additions - Wii, Plasma TV, Xbox 360.

& subtractions - My testicles, hairline.

But this year progressed and ended much like any other.

In with a whimper, out like a whimpering wimp.


Here's to 2008 - Hope it's more exciting than this year.



Later.

Downward Trend.

I had high hopes today.

I was going through all my posts from the last year - I was going to do a "Best of" countdown - and I realized something:

I used to write a lot better.

As I was skimming the archives, I came across some funny, insightful, charismatic stuff. (Had to look at the title bar to make sure I was still at my blog.) As I got closer to the end of the year, it all starts to sound like whining and bitching. (Similar to this post, you say?)

I think I should shoot for quality instead of quantity.

But quantity is what keeps this meager crowd around, right?

I know - I'll just write more good stuff.

Oh yeah - it'll be easy.



Later.

Uphill Grind.

Everything I interacted with today worked against me.

The weather, the kids, time, anything that I had too do or deal with was harder and more difficult than it normally was.

It's hard to keep an upbeat attitude when it seems like the entire universe seems to be shitting on you.

Have you ever seen, in the movies or comics, that black rain cloud that rains on one person only?

Today was like that.

Except with hail.
And snow.
And a two-year old that just won't quit.

(Sigh) Tomorrow's another day.



Later.

Living LIVE.

I'm connected, baby.

I setup my wireless connection and I'm loving it.

It's not even the games that impress me anymore, (although the stunning graphics are amazing) it's the interconnectivity.

I'm playing a demo that I downloaded, listening to music being streamed from my computer, and sitting on my couch while all this is going on. What's the point of burning a disc to listen to when I can run it all from my 360?

I'm in ecstasy.

If I could blog from it, I'd hug it tight and never let it go.



Later.

6am Blues.

I hate it when I wake up before my alarm goes off.

I always decide to fall back asleep, and I always feel like a sack of crap when I wake up again.

Why, Lord, why can't you let me get a good night's sleep?

I'll stab as many hobos as you want if I can just feel refreshed in the morning.

Is it so much to ask?




Later.

I Learned Something New Today.

This is the most nerdy question I've ever asked.

Do you know what the spikes on the end of a Stegosaurus' tail are called?

I didn't - until today.

My friends, I present to you - The Thagomizer.

Sure, Calvin & Hobbes piss on Ford logos on the back of a hillbilly's truck, but Gary Larson gets referenced by the Smithsonian Institution.

That's nerd-cred to the 1000th power.




Later.

Unwrapping Harrison Ford

I got a great Christmas gift today:

Harrison Ford.

"Really," You say - "Harrison Ford?"

Yep.

Certain people came through in a big way. I received the Blade Runner Ultimate Collector's Edition from the Sidekick and The Wife picked up The Complete Indiana Jones Collection. The only thing better would be fighting Replicant Nazis myself.

I think it's about time for a new man-crush. (Sorry Val Kilmer.)



Later.

...And To All A Good Night.

The only problem with working late shift on Christmas Eve is that people seem to think that the world revolves around them and nobody else.

I had someone try to bitch me out over the phone because we were closing early (the holiday hours have been posted for a week) and they wanted me to stay open another hour so they could try to make it down.

If it's six o'clock on Christmas Eve and you aren't done with all your shit that's your problem. I've been drinking since 2:30 and I want to go home so I can relax and get things ready for my family.

That's the Christmas Spirit, right?

Right?



Later.

Auditory Stimulation.

Please ignore the video and just listen to the song. (It's the only video I could find that's longer than 42 seconds.)

It's a new release from one of my favorite bands, The Trews. Their new album comes out in February. (Thank God for having something to look forward to in the New Year.)

I can't wait - they are one of my favorite bands. If the Trews ever opened for the Foo Fighters, I think I'd kill someone to get a ticket.

Just close you eyes and enjoy the song...



Later.

Something Stupid This Way Comes.

There's a lot of stupid people out there.

Case in Point: At work, whenever a customer asks me where something is located, I'm very specific with my directions. I'll tell them what aisle, how far down, what side, and what shelf it's on.

"Tapioca? Why yes ma'am - it's in aisle 7, left hand side, second shelf, about 6 feet down - red box."

After this, either of two things happens:

1. They follow my directions and find the product they seek. or
2. They head in the opposite direction from what I pointed, look to the right about two feet in, and look back at me like I switched the store around while they weren't looking.

You'd be surprised at how many people go with option 2.

It's not like my directions are bad - I just think that people don't listen. I'm pretty sure they only hear:

"Tapioca? Why yes, ma'am - it's yada uada aisle yada, yada yada side, yada shelf, yada yada ayda box."

I've tried walking them right up to the product, but they just say they'd rather I tell them. It's a no-win situation. I've come to accept that.

But it doesn't mean I have to like it.



Later.

A Convenient Solution.

I was talking about recycling with someone today and it hit me:

A Solution.

You see, recycling is just a pain in the ass. Everyone I've talked to that does it hates it with a passion, but they feel morally obligated to do so. Not recycling around here is about as popular as owning slaves in 1976.

So why bother? Why don't we just take that trash and look at it as a solution instead of a problem.

The polar ice caps are melting because of global warming, right? The seas are going to rise and drown us all. (And it's my fault because I sorted some glass in with my aluminum cans.)

They say that if all the ice in Antarctica and Greenland melts the sea level would rise about 68 meters (223 feet). I figure that every day, each of us puts about a half an inch of garbage in a square foot of space.(Mind you I'm talking compressed, squished garbage.)

That means there isn't much time.

I say we take all that garbage and build on it. Don't think landfill - think foundation. If we start piling the garbage and raising the ground level, we'll be above 68 meters in about 14 years - plenty of time before that ice all melts, and we didn't have to do anything different from what we are doing now.

Tah-da! Problem solved.

Where's my Nobel Prize?




Later.

The Sidekick's Going To Hate This.

There aren't many movies the Sidekick and I disagree on.

The Princess Bride, Ray, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, and Hellboy, but it's the last one that we are really far apart on.

I have an appreciation for the characterization and visual style that the movie has. He thinks I'm completely off my fucking rocker. (I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, just that I like it.)

So with good spirits in my heart and a smile on my face I can tell him that Hellboy 2 is coming to theaters July 11 th.

And you know I'm going to make him watch it.

It'll be better than any sequel he'd want to see. What's that ? A sequel to Ray? What's it called - Watch The Dead Musician Rot? Oh yeah - that's something I want to see.



Later.

Perfect Pump.

Almost every time I fill up with Gas, I test myself.

I start filling as fast as possible, and only let go of the handle once I've hit my total. My Goal? The Perfect Pump.

$20? Go all out and try to stop on $20.00 - no .01, no .06, it has to be perfect. Try it - it's harder than it looks. (Especially with gas at $1.04/litre.)

Tonight I did it. And nobody was there to witness this spectacular event.

(Sigh)

There's always next time.


Later.

Lines Of Communication.

So I'm trying to plan out my day today.

I'm under the impression that a couple things are going to happen:

• Person A is looking after the kids here until 4.
• Person B is picking the kids up in our car and taking them for dinner and treats.
• We will have Person B's car, as they will have ours because of the car seats. Will pick up kids and car after they are done with them.

So I'm going on this assumption - and then get told that I'm totally wrong. Person B is not taking the car, and is watching the kids here. I argue the point, stating that I'm sure I was correct about what was happening. Nope - I must be mistaken or have heard incorrectly. Whatever - I can deal.

Guess what?

I just found out 5 minutes ago that I was right all along.

I hate being right when there is no one here to see it.

I'll just have to gloat the rest of the day.



Later.

The Paycheck Film.

Oh Jason Lee, how did you fall so low?

Do you owe someone money? If you do, it must be a lot, because I can't think of any other reason to do this film.

Talk to Kevin, have him write another part for you in something good.
Go back to your roots, Jason - please.


Later.

360 Degrees Of Separation.

I caved in.

I got my Christmas bonus the other day, and after the Tax Man got his cut I was able to spend a bit of it on myself.

360 time, baby!

I'm killing 2 birds with one stone as well - I'm using the leftover cash to renew my Gym Membership - as I alluded to in this post. I think if I go for a 1:1 ratio with gaming /gym time, I'll have that rock hard body in months.

I'm stung by my buyer's remorse yet again, though - I always feel like I'm being a selfish bastard when I go and my shit like this for myself. I'll only be sad until tonight, though - because after the kids are in bed I'm firing this up.

Wireless HD gaming?

I'm not even gonna wear pants.


Later.

Darkest Before The Dawn.

If any of you read The Sidekick's blog, you'll know that he posted about this earlier.

I'd just like to add my anticipation for this movie to his.

I really like the re-imagining of Batman. I can only hope that this movie is as good as the last one. I was skeptical when I heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker in this film, but with all reports saying that he's going for the psychotic killer-deranged clown aspect of the role, I've decided to hold any reservations I may have until after the movie.

(You never know, this might be the movie that stops me from seeing Heath as anything but a gay cowboy.)

With the way most comic book movies are going, I expect this movie to be fantastic and have me aching for the continuation of the story- only to be disappointed my an over-merchandised, cluster-fuck third act. (Have we not learned anything from X-men 3 and Spiderman 3?) The only hope I have is that someone is charge recalls the horror that was Batman & Robin and has vowed to never let it happen again.

But weather that person is in charge or not, I know where I'll be opening day.




Later.

Modesty & False Advertising.

I'm thinking of filing a class-action lawsuit.

I was listening to the radio at work today - that's where the problem starts.

The local radio station plays a couple of identification segments about every 45 minutes or so. (It seems like every 5, but I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.) During each of these segments they exclaim, loudly & repeatedly, that they are "The Island's Best Rock".

I beg to differ.

I've been elsewhere on the Island. Down south there are at lest 8 radio stations that I'd rather listen to. They have better music rotation, more variety, and better (at least less annoying) DJ's.
That would make the claim of being "The Island's Best Rock" a little circumspect, don't you think?

All I'm asking for is some honesty. (And punitive damages.)

Can't they just state the facts?

Why not say "The Best (and only) FM Reception You'll Be Able To Get In This Shitty 'Burg." or "The Other Local Station Is Even Shittier Than Us, So Why Bother Changing." - I'd appreciate those a lot more than the blatant lies they've been trying to pass.

If they won't do it on their own, I'll be forced to use the law to make them change. Just taking the Judge for a ride down-island should be enough to convince him my cause is just.

I can't lose.

Now where's my Erin Brockovich?



Later.

Headgear.

Call me Scrooge, call me picky, call me a bitter, bitter man.

Whatever - I don't care.

Just don't be wearing that fucking hat when you do it.

People who wear Santa hats before the week of Christmas are retarded attention whores. Unless it's part of your job, or you are in fact Santa Claus, lose the headgear - you only look like an idiot.

It's not about Christmas Cheer, either. Seeing someone wearing a Santa hat anytime from December 1st to the 19th doesn't make me think they are full of the holiday spirit - it makes me think that they are sad little people who try to ignore the world by wrapping themselves up into one "perfect" day.

Fuck You - it doesn't work that way.

These people seem to think that they are "one up" on everyone else, just because they have this visual aid that screams "Look how much I love Christmas! Don't you wish you loved Christmas as much as I do?" You know what? I do like Christmas - I just don't like the sorry fucks like you who go spreading their version of happiness and goodwill into everyone's face. Fuck off and leave me alone.

Wear the hat when there's snow on Christmas Eve or at your staff party. Wear it on a trip to the orphanage, or when you help out at the homeless shelter on the 23rd. Don't wear it when you are walking your dog or picking up groceries. It cheapens the whole thing.

And I'm not even going to start about the Reindeer suspenders....



Later.

Totally Over Blown.

I don't understand the fascination with Toblerone.

Once December hits, it goes from being an everyday bar that nobody buys to a sacred relic, cherished above all other chocolates.

I think they taste like shit.

Why is this the greatest thing to stuff a stocking with? You'd think if a woman wanted something 8 inches long in her stocking, it would come with batteries and a triple-speed function - not crammed full of nougat and wrapped in foil.

But I digress.

If I get a chocolate bar in my stocking this year, it better be shaped like 3 cups and labeled Reese's - or else. (Listen now, Kringle - I'm not fucking around.)



Later.

Skunk'd

Well, I didn't win anything big at the Staff Party.

I guess it's alright though, as I've won something great every other year - I was due for a dry one.

A good time was had and I was able to avoid all the drama and drunken debauchery that tend to go along with events like this. I'll take the little gift certificate I got and treat myself to something nice.

But there's always next year, and the prize will be mine.


Later.


P.S. - Looked up "skunk" on GIS and 8 of the first 15 pictures weren't of our furry friend above, but of some strange plant ....I'm not sure what it was. (Yeah, right.)

Party!

Tonight is the Annual Staff Piss Up Christmas Party.

Good Food, Prizes, and Dancing will be had by all.

As you can tell, I'm typing this from earlier in the day- because if I did it afterwards, it would be asdfio utrethui^8 rt0o u0f;jkljfjlkujd ghfjlas zzzzzzzzzzzzzz - and that's not only hard to read, but no fun.

If I win anything great - don't worry - I'll post about it to brag.

Time to iron my shirt and get my dancing underwear on.

Oh yeah - you heard me right.



Later.

You Don't Have To Be A Genius To Read This Blog...

But it helps.

Yeah - that's right. According to some site on the Internet, you gots to have some smarts to be perusing what I'm puttin' down. (I think with that sentence, I just lowered the grade a notch.)

I'm not saying I put out some Mensa-level shit, but obviously I'm using some serious vocab when I talk about my dick and other assorted things. That's some high-brow talk about my junk.

You'll have to excuse me now, as I'm off to read more great works of literature - while sitting on the can.

Later.

Big Fat Purse.

Dear Lady with the Big Fat Purse:

What the fuck do you keep in there?

As I watched you lug that monstrosity around my place of business today I was amazed that you:

• aren't crippled up from the shear weight of whatever it is you are dragging around,
• haven't been searched by the Immigration authorities for smuggling in a family of refuges,
• think you need to have whatever it is you have in there, in quantities that I can't possibly fathom.

I was impressed that you were able to find your wallet and pay for your goods in less than 15 minutes. I expected it to be handed to you from within by an orphan girl who looks similar to the one on that Les Mis poster you see everywhere. I think I also saw Jimmy Hoffa's cuff-links, but I didn't want to pry.

I was still in shock when I witnessed you climb into a vehicle that seemed to be only half the size of your purse, and successfully shift that weight into the passenger seat.

That's when it hit me:

You must have a small Black Hole in there, which can compress space and time and therefore can hold all the shit you can possibly need, yet still be able to fit into a modern-day car. It all makes sense.

Except for one thing:

Why does it have to be teal green? What the fuck is up with that? A Black Hole I can understand, but teal? Really?



Later.

Ask for Babs.

I conducted a tour at work today.

We don't normally do tours.. I guess the Grocery industry isn't just that "cool" and "interesting".

Well there's a bunch of Grade 2 kids out there who'll tell you different.

It's easy to impress them - go into the ice cream cooler and they think it's the greatest thing in the world. The little savages loved the meat cooler - they were actually disappointed that there weren't any carcasses hanging around. I showed them how we cut cases to build displays and one of the kids told me I was "Awesome". (He's shooting low on the career scale, I think.)

It was a great way to step out of my normal job for twenty minutes and have some fun with the kids. I hope I kept them entertained. I'll bet I was so good they'll just hate the next field trip.

"Gee, Mr. Fireman, rappelling down that building and putting out the fire was neat, but can you build a display of paper towels?"

Yep - I've scarred them for life.


Later.

Catch-up.

I love having some time off.

Even with the blizzard we just experienced, the fact that I didn't have to work made it at least bearable. (There's nothing like fighting your way through snow and ice, and then having to be nice to people who are bitchy about being out in that same snow and ice.)

But getting things back in shape after some time off is a bit maddening.

I'll admit, it looked the better than usual, with only some little things that were annoying to deal with - I should be happy, it could have been a lot worse.

But I'm a details kind of guy - so the little things are the ones that make me crazy.

I'll live with it, though - I'm a big boy.

Tomorrow?

Well, we'll just have to wait and see.


Later.

Burning Heart.

My chest is on fire.

For the last couple of weeks, I've had the worst heartburn you could imagine. I've tried everything - changes in diet, no coffee, more coffee, medication - nothing seems to work.

As I type this sentence right now it feels like there is a five alarm blaze going on in my chest and throat. I'm almost at the point of going to see a Doctor about it. (For those that know me, seeing a Doctor for anything is my least favorite thing to do.) I'm hoping that he'll have some suggestions on what I can do to stop "the burn".

I'm sure it's diet related, and the fact that we are coming up to the part of the year where everyone eats like shit isn't going to help much. I'll be the guy eating cool yogurt while the rest of you eat all the turkey and drink coffee cups full of booze.

But until I hear different. I'll keep popping the Tums, drinking my coffee, and suffering in silence.

Except for you guys - you get to hear my bitching.


Later.

Rooftop Bliss.

Having re-watched Clerks 2 for the 100th time last night, I'm still amazed at how much I love this scene.

Is it because Dante - the fugly guy that he is - reminds me of myself? (I am rockin' the goatee right now.)

Is it because Micheal's lyrics take me back to a simpler time in my life?

Is it my astonishment that Kevin Smith successfully pulls off a crane shot?

No, you're right. It's Rosario Dawson's Boobs.

If I wasn't infatuated with her before this, I am now.

I think I'll put it on loop, and just loose my self in her eyes - that's it - her eyes.


Later.

White-Out.

I fucking hate Snow.

(I'm not talking about the shitty Canadian reggae-rapper, although I do hate him almost as much.)

It's not that I don't think snow is beautiful. I do.
The way it drapes the earth and glistens in the light is truly a breathtaking sight to behold.

But it also turns every asshole on the road into a moving violation.

The trip to the next town over, which usually takes twenty minutes, was an hour and a half today. By the time I made it back I was a quivering mass of road rage, ready to be unleashed upon the next waste of flesh who thinks his 4x4 makes him immune to the elements and above all traffic laws.

I'll admit, my area of the planet is just not used to handling big amounts of snow. It's like failing to be a Canadian. People in Winnipeg and Regina are laughing at us as we slip and slide around. True, we laugh at them the other eleven months of the year, but that's not the point. This town, in fact the entire lower mainland becomes one huge clusterfuck as soon as the first flakes gather on the windshields.

I'm not going to attempt another outing until I can see asphalt and sidewalks - and even then I'm going to pack some Valium. My asshole level is at an all-time high - even a trip to the corner store might push me over the edge. It's safer for everyone if I just stay indoors.


Later.