I Feel...

• That Poker lingo has got to change. Last night I got asked to "show me the nuts" at least twice. The first time I displayed my cards, but the second time there was some confusion....
• That people who come in with a coupon and act like assholes should be forcibly removed from any business, not just the one I work at. (Good job clipping that out of the paper, Chief - let me get you a medal.)
• That the first fucker to say Merry Christmas to me just because December starts tomorrow is going to get a punch in the head. Said punch will be hard and repeated if necessary.
• That I'm at a crossroads in my life right now - XBox 360 or Gym Membership? I can either sweat a lot or game wirelessly from my couch. (If I sweat while I'm gaming, that's just sad.)
• That I used to come up with a better list of what I felt. Either I can't remember what I feel anymore, or else I feel less about things now. I'm not sure which depresses me more.

Later.

Oh Cap'n, My Cap'n..

Nothing beats coming home from late shift and digging into a bowl of cereal.

I rarely eat cereal for breakfast - I go the toast/bagel route. Cereal has always been a way for me to end the day, not to begin it. There is something inherently relaxing about milk, spoon, bowl and my couch - it all works so well together.

I think it's the fact that you don't have to think about cereal - it just is.

There's no worrying about a beverage or a glass - the finest beverage in the world is at the bottom of the bowl, full of bits of leftover goodness, just waiting to be consumed. People who leave their milk in the bowl should be taken out behind the shed and...well, you know.

And if you can name one other relaxing, comforting, all-in-one snack that comes with a prize in the bottom of the box, I'm all ears.


Later.

Everyday Normal Guy

This is my idea of a rap song - something I can understand and relate to.

Now if he would just work in some lyrics about being chubby and thin on top...


Later.


P.S. - Steve reminds me of The Sidekick.

The Sound Of One Hand Shuffling.

Since Online Poker has frustrated me lately, I've rebounded to another addiction:

Solitaire.

Yes people, I'm playing with myself and enjoying it immensely.

Solitaire is a challenging game, and playing on the computer enforces one thing: you can't cheat. It won't let me rifle through the deck searching for that elusive red six that I need. When I win a game, there is a real sense of accomplishment.

I'll go back to Poker - Solitaire is just something that keeps me from losing my mind when someone sucks out a 8-3 runner-runner flush and cracks my Pocket Kings all-in.

When playing Solitaire the only retard at the table is me.

And believe me, that's a relief.


Later.

Regrow My Mullet.

This video, even though it feels like 1987, is actually from 2007. If music trends are truly circular, I'll have to start re-growing my business-up-front-party-in-the-rear haircut.

Has anyone seen my Zubaz? I want to be comfortable for the re-grow.

Later.

I Missed A Post!

What can I say?

I worked, ate, Poker ran late.....

I do have a life, people.

(Ok, not really.)

It was so late when I did get to bed that my mind was focused on pillow instead of keyboard. It's a good thing that I skipped a post though - it shows how much you all missed me.

Right?

Hello?

Whatever.



Later.

Science Gone Awry.

I was watching Spider-Man tonight with the Boy and I realized one thing:

Science is a Bitch.

In the Spidey movies practically every super person - hero or villain - is either caused, or aided by, science gone wrong.

• Spidey? - Scientists let a bug get out. The rest is history.
• Green Goblin? - Crazy Scientist experiments on self. Wears shitty mask for rest of movie.
• Doctor Octopus? - I'm-so-fucking-smart-I'm-mental Scientist causes explosion, gets sentient arms and acts all angsty.
  
• New Goblin? - My-Dad-was-a-crazy Scientist so now I'm Xxxtreme!!!
  
• Sandman? - Lets disregard the sensors and not even check what's going on in our experiments. (There was a guy in there? Whoops!)
  

It's based on the above that I've decided to stay away from Bunsen burners and any chemical that looks remotely green. I'm sure that these Scientists are portrayed in the worst possible light, but I'm not taking any chances.

I'll be on the other side of the lab - with my goggles on thankyouverymuch.


Later.

Root Of All Evil.

Root Canal

Main Entry:

root canal

Function:

noun

Date:

1893

: the part of the pulp cavity lying in the root of a tooth; also
: a dental operation to save a tooth by removing the contents of its root canal and filling the cavity with a protective substance.


Personal Addition: Relief!

As much as Dentists suck, I have to give my Doc some props - he did a great job, and it was easier than I thought it would be. No more pain makes me quite happy. Plus the numbing meant that I talked like Jean Chretien for most of the day, which is funny in itself.


Later.

Art Imitates Life.

I'm not one to post video after video, but this one is so much like someone that I know that I just had to.

I'd like to go get some Jagerbombs, but I'm in the zone.

Anyone up for some grinding?


Later.

Dora Is A Whore.

I'd like to state that the only thing Dora "explores" is her own inhibitions.

This slutty tramp seduced my son about 2 years ago. She showed up with her pet monkey in tow and started asking my boy to "help" her. She always has to go to the other side of town - over a bridge, through a forest, wherever - she works all the corners of the map.

"Just reach into my backpack" she'd say. "See if you can find what I need in there." The dirty bitch was irresistible to him. That hair, the accent, who could resist? And she had a monkey. A monkey. My boy was lost.

He slowly weaned himself from her grip, but it was tough. At one point he announced in public that he wanted a purple backpack - just like Dora. I knew right then I had to save my son from this succubus in shorts and frilly socks. Only repeated viewings of Star Wars & Transformers pulled him back.

He's done with her now, but I can still see that glint in his eye whenever he sees one of her "shows" on display in a store. (Did I mention she's a merchandise whore as well?) He's still in danger, but with vigilance I think he'll be fine.

Watch out for that tramp - she's nothing but trouble.
And I think the monkey has fleas.


Later.

The Terroists Are Winning.

They are killing me with laughter.

Funny shit.


Later.

Sucker Punch.

Got invited to The Neighbor's to play Poker tonight.

I did okay last night, so I basically just took what I'd won at one place over to another. I've done well next door before, so there was no reason to think this would be any difference.

Was I wrong.

I couldn't get anything.

I don't normally call someone a Donkey, (derogatory Poker term) but they should have had a salt lick at the table, there was so much Hee-Hawin' going on.

I'm not bitter - losing a bit just means I get invited back - but I'll change my play around, that's for sure.

I'll get 'em next time.


Later.

Jacks or Better

Poker Night again.

I'll be honest - I'm on edge.

I've been doing really well lately, and have raked in some big pots with a combination of skill and luck. The only trouble is that when it comes to cards, I'm a realist - I know that it's going to have to end sometime.

But not tonight. (I hope.)

So far hosting has worked out well for me - and I hope the streak continues. It's not all about the winning though - I enjoy the social aspect as well - but winning makes that aspect just a little bit better.

However it turns out, I'm sure I'll have a good time - and that is what counts, no?


Later.

Dear Mike Meyers:

I have just finished watching Shrek the Third with my family.

I was somewhat hopeful when I picked up the DVD - my son loved the movie when we saw it in the theater, but I didn't much care for it. I was thinking that maybe a second viewing would bring something new to the table.

I was wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment the Shrek franchise went horribly astray - I think it was either one minute into this movie or maybe even back to the musical number at the end of Shrek 2. Either way, it lost whatever refreshing flavor it may have had.

I had trouble finding any humor in this movie - and that's bad for a guy who rates dick & fart jokes as high class. (The closest I get is when the Gingerbread Man shits a gumdrop.) My son laughed once - when errant flatulence starts a fire - and that was it. Yet he still says he liked the movie. Who knows - he probably thought it was a drama, he's only 4 after all.

It'd be great if my kids could understand that Pinocchio was a puppet who wanted to be a real boy and not a sass-mouth who wears ladies undergarments. I'd like them to think that Rapunzel never wore a wig and that Puss 'N Boots wasn't a smarmy Spaniard. I'm not sure where the Brothers Grimm are buried, but I bet they are spinning something fierce.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd let the franchise die. You're obviously not enjoying it, except for the bags of cash they throw at you for doing each one, so it's best just to leave it where it lies. I know that based on the DVD numbers they will more than likely ask you to make another one.

But be strong, Mike. Think of the kids.


Later.

Jack of All Trades.

Today I :

• Did errands downtown with the Kids. (This is harder than it looks.)
• Changed my outside light-bulbs and planned for Christmas lights - yes, I know it's not December yet.
• Replaced the Ballcock valve on my en-suite toilet. (It's okay, you can laugh when you say "Ballcock" - I did.)
• Sent out Poker email for the Rambler House Weekly Invitational. (This wasn't as hard as it looked.)
• Changed the water in the fish tank. (Yes, I have fish and they are very manly ones too.)
• Did all my other parent/homeowner things too.

So now I'm ready to just kick back and relax... but wait!
I have to take the Kids for their Flu shots.

Yeah... Think about that.
My nights not getting any better, is it?


Later.

Helping The World.

It's great being able to help others.

But I understand that you can't help everyone - especially those who found you under false pretenses.

Like the (I assume) gentleman above - he thought he was getting information about increasing his penis girth with raisins - just because I wrote about some spam. I'm sorry that I was unable to help him, as Google seemed to think that I could. (Google must know something I don't.)

I hope that he was at least mildly entertained for a moment before he had to renew his quest for penile enhancement. (Tip for the unsatisfied woman: Don't go to Dubai.)

I'm off to help the next person who stumbles into my end of the Blogosphere - but first I'm going to eat an entire box of raisins.


Later.

Blackout.

The power was out when I got up today.

(Thank God for battery backup or I never would have got up on time. I'd like to note that trying to shave by flashlight doesn't seem safe, so I skipped it altogether.)

It was still out when I left for work, and wasn't on when I got there.

Now since I'm salary, I couldn't just shrug my shoulders and go home - that would have been too easy. We sent all the regular staff home and stayed closed, but that still meant I had to get some stuff done.

Work is hard enough - working in the dark doubly so. (Although I do most of my best work in the dark, Ladies. Wink-wink.) It was mainly just an inconvenience, but I will say I actually missed the radio today - the music helps you move along, even if it is shitty music.

But I persevered, and we did end up opening - an hour before I'm scheduled to go home. Only a slight bit of chaos, and then everything was as it should be.

I'm glad I'm not working tomorrow, just in case round two hits. (That would be a complete clusterfuck, I can tell you that.) I'll stay in and watch the trees sway from the comfort of my couch.


Later.

What Was That? ...I Forgot.

Once again, Public Radio has supported my belief that mankind is being run by the Lowest Common Denominator.

This weekend, in honor of Remembrance Day, our local station has decided to have a "Double Shot Long Weekend" - two songs in a row by selected artists. I have no idea what this has to do with Remembrance Day. Double Shot? Is it some strange War reference, maybe a gun thing? I don't know. Sounds more like a promotion for a Coffee Bar than celebrating a holiday commemorating Veterans.

"Thanks for being on the front line, Gramps - Because you held The Kaiser in check we'll play not one, but TWO Dire Straits songs."

"It's great that you were on the beach for D-Day, now you sit on a bench and enjoy twice as much Nickelback!"

I'm telling you, my Grandpa is excited.

It seems to me that of all holidays, this one seems now to be more about the day off than the day itself. I don't recall hearing anything today about Remembrance Day events - just celebrations that some people don't have to go to work on Monday.

They'll forget everything else. but they'll remember that.

And I find that sad. (And infuriating - let's not forget infuriating.)



Later.

$$$$

No time to blog...It's Poker Night!

Rambler's hosting - and it's time to chip up!

Wish me luck....

Later.


Edit - Big Bucks again! I'm starting to like this hosting thing......

See Right Through Me.

There is something unnerving about Dental X-Rays - I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the fact that they cover me with a lead apron. I'm glad that they are concerned about excess radiation and my testes, but since I had the operation, they don't have to worry anymore. I should have just told her to skip it. (Why beat a dead horse, right?)

Or maybe it's the HUGE FUCKING CANNON they point right at my head. If the film can fit in my mouth, why does the camera have to be so huge? Can't they make it a bit smaller? We are in an age of technological marvels and they have a howitzer pointed at my skull to see what's inside.

Even if they just went with camera sounds. "Click" - not bad. "Hmmmrmmrm~chunk" - doesn't sound reassuring. I guess it's because in one instance they are letting light onto something, and in my case they are shooting radiation into my skull.

But it's probably just that they leave you alone. "Yes - it's a harmless procedure, won't take a second - I'm just covering you with lead and going into the other room." I think that's what bothers me most of all. I'd like to see a technician with some balls - one who stays in the room for every shot. You'd have to pay them more, but it's okay. They can do so much more, what with their third arm and all.



Later.

Serious Business.

Give yourself a round of applause.

The only reason I've come out of my drug-induced, yet pain-ridden stupor is to poke at the keyboard and let you know I am still (barely) functioning.

I just wish the pain would go away.

I see the Dentist at 8am to-morrow, but afterwards have to go to work. I hope that I can either get it fixed to-morrow or find some way to quietly suffer through my day. (More drugs, maybe?)

I'm tired of pudding.
I'm tired of mushy food.
I'll never tire of Spicy Soup, but that is not the point.

I hope this ends to-morrow.


Later.

I'm Gay.

...Or at least you all think I am.

See that poll on the right?

All you had to do was choose which coffee was gayer- mine or The Sidekicks, and you picked mine.

Thanks for nothing.

Now I'm questioning my sexuality and my choice in coffee.

I disagree though - I fail to see how a plain mocha, even a White Chocolate one, is fruitier than some Hazelnut thing with more changes to it than RuPaul.

But I'll live with my choice - it just means I have to drink it with my pinky extended, that's all.
And listen to the Sidekick's gloating.

Thanks again, really.


Later.

Say No to (Shitty) Drugs.

So I got some drugs to help combat my Dental dilemma.

Problem is, they don't seem to work very well or very long. (If anyone says the drugs are just copying my natural characteristics, I'll kick their ass.)

I think it's the fact that I have a low pain threshold, yet a high resistance to pain relievers. Tylenol and shit has never really worked for me - I've always had to go to the heavier prescription drugs. But with the tots around, I don't really want to be doped out of my mind.

It's driving me batty.

Hopefully it'll only be a couple more days (I see the Dentist on Friday) and then this will all be over. I have a feeling that by the time I get to see him, everything will be fine and he'll look at me like I'm some kind of idiot.

Until then I'll take my shitty pain pills and my shitty antibiotics and suffer in shitty agony.

Anyone else notice a recurring theme there?

Yeah, I thought so.


Later.

The Tooth Fairy is a Crack Whore.

My mouth fucking hurts.

In the span of twenty-four hours I've gone from Crunchy Snacks and Peanuts to Smoothies and Soup. (And not good soup either.)

I have an abscess, and there is nothing that can be done except medicate and wait. I'd love for the whole damn thing to be ripped out of my skull right now, but that can't happen.

Instead I'm in agony, my skull throbbing in blistering pain, like I fell asleep against a Giant Speaker that only looped Celine Dion. (Yes - it is that bad.)

I'm off to pop some more drugs, and maybe even put some 'tussin on it. Then I have to make my lunch for tomorrow.

What kind of soup am I gonna have?
Any suggestions?



Later.

Paid Out.

If you'll notice, this is being posted in the wee hours of the morning.

Poker just finished at the Rambler Homestead, and the night was great for the hosts.

We cashed out for $98 tonight, which is good considering it's a $10 buy-in game. (My portion was the lion's share - I'll be honest.) Even with our re-buys earlier, we still doubled our money.

The kids slept like babies, and I added to their college fund. (Or my X-Box 360 fund, whatever.)

Can it possibly get any better than this?

Maybe on March 14th, but that's about it.


Later.

ComPost.

I'm always in favor of something new and different.

Quirky and interesting also work for me.

So I'm glad that I found all of it rolled up into one T.V. show - Pushing Daisies.

This show is so unlike anything I've ever seen on televison. The story, plots and pacing are all spot-on. The characters and dialogue are what make it for me. If Kevin Smith had to write material for Prime-Time viewing on Network T.V, this is type of dialouge he'd put out. It's rapid-fire and delivered very well.

There hasn't been an episode that I haven't liked yet. (The Wife? She hates it.) But I know it's not for everyone. If you know my type of humor, you'll like it. Keep in mind it's on televison, so it's not as crude as I normally go, but for PG stuff, it's great.

What am I saying? Go watch it already!


Later.

Lunchtime Laughter.

Goddamn, Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh.
The only problem is after watching this, I now want a club sandwich.

Where did I put the Mayo?


Later.

Easy Watchin'

Handing out candy is a boring job.

We get about 60 - 80 kids in my neighborhood each Halloween. It's not enough to make it a full-time job from dinner to bed, and it's too many to just shut off the lights and pretend I'm not home.

So it's nice that I can at least have something good to watch (and pause) when I'm not handing out the sweets.

I know your looking at the picture and thinking - "Really? Bordello of Blood? That's his idea of quality filmmaking?". You'll just have to hear me out.

I don't own it.(But I'm thinking of it now.) It happened to be on T.V last night, and I went with that selection. I didn't need to see a slasher film, but I did want something a little bit Halloweenny to watch as I doled out the treats.

And it is a good show. How can you deny these great features:

• Dennis Miller at his witty best.
• A Vampire Whorehouse - c'mon, that's just special right there.
• Corey Feldman dies not once, but twice.
• Titties, titties, titties.
• Campy, crazy, funny characters.
• Holy water in squirtguns.
• Erkia Eleniak playing a religious girl who doesn't believe in premarital sex. (How many times was she in Playboy?) Oh, the Irony.
  

I'll admit - I did switch back and forth between this and From Dusk Till Dawn. (I know the Sidekick will want to slap me for choosing someone other than Tarantino/Rodriguez) Two similar movies - but I went with the funny one and it worked for me.

Thinking back, I should have Tivo'd it. But now it's just another excuse to buy a DVD, right?

I endorse this movie, and if you haven't seen it, rent it next Halloween - it's good for a laugh.
(And did I mention Titties?)


Later.