Listen Up.

So here it is - mindless conversation from the Sidekick and myself.

Enjoy - feedback is always welcome - that's what comments are for, right?







Later.

Old and Grey.

The beard you see in the photo is gone.

I had to do it - it was driving me nuts. Itchy, scratchy, and I felt like I looked 15 years older. And since I was the only guy left who had the playoff beard, shaving it cost me no grief at all.

You know what was nice? Being told by countless people how young I look when I came into work after shaving.

So there you go Canucks, my beard helped you through the first round - you're on your own in the second.

Later.

Kathleen Turner.

Thanks to the loss of voice and the chest cold I now have I believe I sound like Kathleen Turner. (Wait until the podcast goes up - you can totally hear it there.)

Thank God I don't have her tits. The voice is enough.

Later.

Recording.

Last night the Sidekick and I got together with some coffee and a microphone and whipped up a podcast.

He's currently editing it to make it sound better, throwing some music in, and basically taking the audio version of a BeDazzler to it. As soon as it's done, it will be posted here in all its streaming glory.

The title of this masterpiece, you may ask?

Why, "Midlife Ramblers" of course. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Later.

Silenced.

I've lost my voice.

I'm not sick - in fact, I feel great - but whenever I try to speak the only sound is a wheesy, croaking mess.

It started last night, and is incredibly frustrating.  Since I'm working today, I'm in an environment where every person I see wants to talk to me, and any type of customer interaction is prefaced by a discussion of how shitty I sound.

I'm hoping it doesn't last long - as I mentioned in the Twitter feed: a talker like me losing their voice is like kneecapping a sprinter.

Although my co-workers do say they enjoy the peace and quiet....

Fuck that - as soon as it comes back, I'm not shutting up for a.week. That'll show 'em.

Later.

Business Plan.

Based upon my observations at the gym, I think that I've hit upon the perfect business plan.

I believe that if you opened a gym with great amenities and equipment, you'd make great money - but its all in the staffing.

Sure, a good team of personal trainers, along with a polite and knowledgeable front end staff would go a long way, but it's missing one thing:

Sleeper Agents.

Before should go thinking I'm crazy, hear me out. Take some fit, attractive, good mannered people whose only job is to work out and chat with the gym regulars.

I know for most guys at the gym, when that hot girl walks in and gets on the machine beside you, you work out a little harder, maybe more reps, whatever. If she's chatty and fun, you're going to keep coming back again and again - and eventually, all that extra effort pays off in heather people who want to stay at your gym not only because they get results, but that's where the hotties are. (I'm also thinking this would work for the ladies too.)

See? It can't fail.

Im'ma fuckin' genius.

Later.

Words of Wisdom.

Three things to remember this Easter:

   - Cardio.
   - Double-Tap.
   - Always have an exit.

Happy Zombie Holiday, everyone.

Later.

Last Man Standing.

Remember me posting about the playoff beards?

There were a couple of guys here who were doing it, and as of today, I'm the only one left. (What a bunch of pussies - they didn't even make it to the end of the first round!)

So now I'm undecided - do I keep the beard, thus proving my point (and uber-manliness), or do I cave in and stop looking like a cross between Rick Astley and an older Sedin brother?

It's a difficult choice.

Later.

Clutter.

The past two days at home, as well as my first day back at work have been spent dealing with clutter. Sorting, removing, and puzzling its existence have kept me occupied for hours.

I tend to just get rid of stuff when I can, but for the past couple of weeks I decided that it's not my job to clean up everyone's shit, and I'll just let it go like they do - deciding that ignorance must be bliss.

It's not.

How people can stand to look at the disorganized mess, I'll never figure, and I think you do more work overall by walking around or just looking through the shit than you would have if it would have been dealt with correctly in the first place.

So now I'm cleaning it all up.

I read somewhere that Steve Jobs's first mansion only had a mattress and a lamp in it - very minimalist, very Zen.

Fuck that - he just hated clutter as much as I do.

Later.

Clutter.

The past two days at home, as well as my first day back at work have been spent dealing with clutter. Sorting, removing, and puzzling its existence have kept me occupied for hours.

I tend to just get rid of stuff when I can, but for the past couple of weeks I decided that it's not my job to clean up everyone's shit, and I'll just let it go like they do - deciding that ignorance must be bliss.

It's not.

How people can stand to look at the disorganized mess, I'll never figure, and I think you do more work overall by walking around or just looking through the shit than you would have if it would have been dealt with correctly in the first place.

So now I'm cleaning it all up.

I read somewhere that Steve Jobs's first mansion only had a mattress and a lamp in it - very minimalist, very Zen.

Fuck that - he just hated clutter as much as I do.

Later.

Top of the Heap

Check out this link.

Trust me - it's okay - it's not porn, malware or links to a Rick Astley video.

For some reason, my blog is at the top of the Google search results for something other than a direct search for "Midlife Rambler".

Two things I'm curious about:

• Why are people searching for "forty eight dollars"?
• And why are they linking to my blog? -
  

I'm not going to complain - any way that people stumble across this place is welcome - I just think it's funny that after almost 5 years of blogging, the most popular thing I've written has been a quick blurb about winning at my neighbor's poker game.

I also double checked, and the same search on Bing reveals zero results for me.

Fuck you, Microsoft. Don't be such a hater.


Later.

Too Early.

Today is a prefect example of the beatdown that the Clopen gives you.

I worked until 9-9:30ish last night, and after going home, winding down and having a snack, I'm asleep by around 11:30.

Now get up at 5, at the gym from 5:30 to 6:40 - busting my ass too none of that lazy workout for me - go home, shower, eat, get ready for work and be on time for 7:30, and you can see why I'm tired.

And since I usually blog on my phone during my lunch break, that means that today's is short - because I need a fucking nap.

Wish me sweet dreams.

Later.

Folical Abundance.

So because the Canucks are in the Playoffs, at work all the guys have been given permission to grow a "Playoff Beard" if we want. (I'm guessing the girls were also allowed, but I can't see many joining in.)

And while I'm not a massive Canucks fan (they are the second favorite team - Go Avs!), I am a fan of the beard. Or at least the attempt - the jury is out on the beard itself.

It's been about 5 days now, and I'm getting mixed results. Oh, the beard is there, but the mixing is the fact that its brown, red, and gray, not the best color palette going.

But I'm going to stick with it, and see if it melds together in some sort of wonderful mess - kinda like a Jackson Pollack painting. Call it face art, if you will.

If I'm brave, I may post the finished product before shaving..just so people I don't really know can marvel at the wonder of my face..

Later.

Casting for Pods

I'm excited.

The Sidekick informs me that he's going to be working in the thriving metropolis south of the hometown for a month, and that means that he will be living minutes away instead of hours.

That's a great thing for a multitude of reasons, the least of which is that he brought up the subject of trying to do a weekly podcast for the duration of his time here. The thought, which used to scare the shit out of me, is rather intriguing. Why not do it? Hell, if you're already reading my shit, why not listen to it too? (And ask anyone, I'm way funnier in person.)

He's looking into it, and I'm tempted to give it a go.

What's the thought on podcasts? I admit, I listen to some, but is it something that most people do on a regular basis? I know if I asked most of the people I work with which podcasts they listen to, the biggest answer would be "What the fuck is a podcast?".

I think it will be a great learning experience..and I'm all about gettin mah learn on..

Later.

Aid of the First kind.

So today was my day at the local St. John's Ambulance to renew my first aid certificate for work. It had been years since I'd taken the course, but like riding a bike, it's not something you'll forget.

- Let me say this now - I believe that most first aid is common sense. If you use your head (and the tips the course gives you)  you, and hopefully anyone you may have to apply first aid to, will be fine.

That being said, they completely "dumbed down" the course this year. After the first session started I, and some of the guys who work with me who had taken the course years ago, commented to our instructor that it seems they were glossing over or omitting some of the stuff from previous years.

- And I'm not talking minor stuff either - important things, like how to check for a pulse, the jaw lift method of opening the airway (if you suspect a broken neck), and dealing with a protruding bone or embedded object.

Sure, we covered how to get a speck of dust out of your eye, and how to properly fill out a first aid report (as mandated by Worksafe BC), but if you get injured around me and your femur is sticking out from your leg, I'll do my best to not make it worse, but you're probably fucked until someone better comes along.

It's kinda sad that they have had to aim for the lowest common denominator when providing these classes - I think it doesn't show a lot of faith in people and what they are capable of. If you want to ensure that a common individual has the basic skills, this course was great - but its supposed to be gearing towards being a first aid attendant or supervisor/manager...and that kinda scares me.

Luckily, (or unlucky, if you are the casualty) they teach you to just do your best, call for help, do what's necessary to save a life while protecting your own, and wait until someone more qualified than you comes along.

More qualified, you say? If karma is working and in your favor, you'll break that femur 10 feet from me and 30 from a hospital. (Otherwise your outlook isn't good.)

But have no fear- I aced the final exam - 20/20.

"I'm a First Aider, can I help you?"

Later.

Friends of Friends

The types of people who occupy my "News Feed" on Facebook.

- The "Inspirational Quoter" - forget a regular status update, I'll give you quotes from anyone I can think of, from Gandhi to Judas Priest to Mister Rogers.

- The "12-stepper" - Every post is "onward and upwards" and the glory of the little things in life. (As they see it, anyways.)

- The "Prego" - I get it - I understand the wonder of childbirth, and I know you do too, since it is your third kid - so quit posting "My Baby @ 3,4,however many weeks".

- The "Self Promoter" - started out like a regular person, now all updates are only about their home-based business..you know, the third one they've had this year..

- The "Sport Parent" - doesn't talk about themselves at all - every word is about whatever tournament, competition, or game their child or children are currently in. Weekends are especially painful, as you get constant updates on the score.

- The "Permanent Vacationer" - Always seems to be somewhere exotic or far away, either scaling mountains or swimming with dolphins. (Main issue with this one is containing my own jealousy.)

- The "Copy & Paster" - every update is a question or statement that they want you to reply to, followed by a request to copy and paste the same thing into your status - kinda like spam that's trying to be cute.

The - "Constant Updater" - Tells you everything that is happening moment by moment. From meals to tv shows to bathroom breaks, you are privy to it all.

- The "Die Hard" - Predicts their favorite team to win it all, relates national news to how their team is doing. " The Liberal Party's platform is almost as sad as the Hab's power play percentage."

And lastly:

- The "I spend too much time on Facebook-er." - Instead of bitching and commenting on your addiction, have you ever just thought of clicking the little red "x" in the corner amd walking away? Didn't think so.

Yes people, these are my friends, relatives, and acquaintances...
Wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

Later.

Pit of My Stomach.

Just so you know, I'm at the risk of facing the Wife's vengeance by making the following statement:

As much as I appreciated the fresh-made waffles this morning, they are sitting like lead weight in my stomach, sucking the life and energy out of my day.

And that's sad - because I really like waffles.

Let's just keep the weight-ness of said waffles between us, ok? I would like to have them again, and she did go out of her way to make them for me..

Later.

All hail the Clopen.

Ahhh - the Clopen.

You know what I'm talking about - those days at work where you work the closing shift one night and open the next day? 'Round here we call it the "Clopen". (Sounds very cowboy-ish, but considering the area around here, it kinda makes sense.)

The thing that sucks about the Clopen is that it seems like you have been at work forever, especially if the people you are working with are Clopen-ers too. (And for those of you who are all "I love work! Feeling like I've been there for days is great!" - shut the fuck up and take your medication, you sick bastards.)

For me it's the fact that I don't see my kids for about 34 hours when I work a Clopen. I see them when they go to school in the morning, they are asleep when I get home, and I'm gone to work before they are up the next day. As much as I bitch about them, I do actually miss them during this time, and it also explains why they glom onto me during my days off. (Seriously, when do they start letting go of the leg?)

I find the Clopen especially difficult when I throw a gym workout in there too - pile on a 5am run or weights on your already trashed sleep schedule, and its easy to see why after a couple of Clopens, its easy to get a little "edgy".

( I use the term edgy because I don't know a short form of tired,irritable,bitchy,fed-up,sore,and cranky.)

Later.

I Feel -

- That me coming back from Days Off is very similar to Luke walking  into that cave on Dagobah.
- That I wish I was fortunate enough to have a Lightsaber.
- That the warm of the tanning booth is what I imagine Tattooine to be like.
- That there's something to be said for clones - Hell, I have kids, they've got to be similar.
- That compared to some of the people I interact with every day, Jar Jar is a fucking genius.
- That no one has ever called me the "chosen one" - and I think they're missing out..
- That going into Toshi Station would be way better than hanging out here.
- That I'm jealous that my best friend's name isn't as cool sounding as "Biggs Darklighter".
- That unfortunately, much like Han, I sometimes shoot first.

Later.

Closed Society.

Satellite Radio.

As much as I like the concept of uncensored, unfiltered, high quality music, I don't think I'm completely sold on the idea.

The reason I say that is because almost every person I know who has satellite radio only uses a couple of channels. That's it. Two, maybe three, channels out of the hundreds of offerings.

The Twin (who has satellite radio) exclusively listens to Howard Stern and Hair Nation. (Why yes, he is a child of the 80's, why would you ask?) His musical tastes haven't changed much since High School. Sure, he's aware of other music, but he doesn't like it much, nor does he give it much of a chance when he is exposed to it.

I blame the radio.

I'll admit - as much as you've heard me bitch on this very blog about the horrors of public radio, it does force you to listen outside your comfort zone and to experience other styles and genres. And that can't be a bad thing. (At least its better than still listening to Poison or Great White.)

Later.

Ghetto Gym

A while ago, a new gym opened up in town.

I had heard about it, some of the people from my gym even decided to go there instead, but I was happy where I was and didn't think it was worth the extra $10 a month for a member ship. Really, a gym is a gym, right?

But then I went there today.

Holy Shit.

A guy I know gave me a free pass and said I should check it out. After hitting their treadmills, the ellipticals, and doing some weights on the machines, I have to say I'm impressed.

That gym makes mine look like I workout with hobos under the bridge instead of in an exercise facility. (it also made under the bridge seem cleaner than my regular gym.)

It's not that I'm impressed by the fancy lighting and tv's, I'm just impressed that everything is new and it works. (My gym has had a treadmill out of commission for six months). I'm also a fan of showers that work, friendly staff, and a kick-ass sauna.

It's a tough decision. I like my gym, the people there, and my love of the tanning booth is well documented on this site.

But the new gym is just so shiny....

I'll have to think about it.

Later.

Ghetto Gym

A while ago, a new gym opened up in town.

I had heard about it, some of the people from my gym even decided to go there instead, but I was happy where I was and didn't think it was worth the extra $10 a month for a member ship. Really, a gym is a gym, right?

But then I went there today.

Holy Shit.

A guy I know gave me a free pass and said I should check it out. After hitting their treadmills, the ellipticals, and doing some weights on the machines, I have to say I'm impressed.

That gym makes mine look like I workout with hobos under the bridge instead of in an exercise facility. (it also made under the bridge seem cleaner than my regular gym.)

It's not that I'm impressed by the fancy lighting and tv's, I'm just impressed that everything is new and it works. (My gym has had a treadmill out of commission for six months). I'm also a fan of showers that work, friendly staff, and a kick-ass sauna.

It's a tough decision. I like my gym, the people there, and my love of the tanning booth is well documented on this site.

But the new gym is just so shiny....

I'll have to think about it.

Later.

Fool of April.

Usually I'm all over April Fools Day.

Just the fact that there is a day devoted to pulling the wool over other peoples eyes warms the devious pit that is my heart.

And as most of the pranks or tricks are of the "good natured" variety, there's not even any guilt associated with anything you do. It's the ultimate win-win situation.

And I missed it.

It's not that I wasn't aware of the date - at work I have to write the date over and over again - its just that I had a total disconnect from the fact that yesterday wasn't just the first day of April, but also April Fools.

(And no one I worked with did any type of pranking at all, so it didn't even cross my radar.)

It wasn't until I got home last night and heard about different pranks online (my favorite is the "voice activated photocopier") that I even noticed.

So I'm a little disappointed.

But I'm hoping to make up for it - my kids don't know, but I'm hoping they understand the joke. ("Happy Late April Fools, Boys!")

Later.