See Right Through Me.

There is something unnerving about Dental X-Rays - I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the fact that they cover me with a lead apron. I'm glad that they are concerned about excess radiation and my testes, but since I had the operation, they don't have to worry anymore. I should have just told her to skip it. (Why beat a dead horse, right?)

Or maybe it's the HUGE FUCKING CANNON they point right at my head. If the film can fit in my mouth, why does the camera have to be so huge? Can't they make it a bit smaller? We are in an age of technological marvels and they have a howitzer pointed at my skull to see what's inside.

Even if they just went with camera sounds. "Click" - not bad. "Hmmmrmmrm~chunk" - doesn't sound reassuring. I guess it's because in one instance they are letting light onto something, and in my case they are shooting radiation into my skull.

But it's probably just that they leave you alone. "Yes - it's a harmless procedure, won't take a second - I'm just covering you with lead and going into the other room." I think that's what bothers me most of all. I'd like to see a technician with some balls - one who stays in the room for every shot. You'd have to pay them more, but it's okay. They can do so much more, what with their third arm and all.



Later.

Serious Business.

Give yourself a round of applause.

The only reason I've come out of my drug-induced, yet pain-ridden stupor is to poke at the keyboard and let you know I am still (barely) functioning.

I just wish the pain would go away.

I see the Dentist at 8am to-morrow, but afterwards have to go to work. I hope that I can either get it fixed to-morrow or find some way to quietly suffer through my day. (More drugs, maybe?)

I'm tired of pudding.
I'm tired of mushy food.
I'll never tire of Spicy Soup, but that is not the point.

I hope this ends to-morrow.


Later.

I'm Gay.

...Or at least you all think I am.

See that poll on the right?

All you had to do was choose which coffee was gayer- mine or The Sidekicks, and you picked mine.

Thanks for nothing.

Now I'm questioning my sexuality and my choice in coffee.

I disagree though - I fail to see how a plain mocha, even a White Chocolate one, is fruitier than some Hazelnut thing with more changes to it than RuPaul.

But I'll live with my choice - it just means I have to drink it with my pinky extended, that's all.
And listen to the Sidekick's gloating.

Thanks again, really.


Later.

Say No to (Shitty) Drugs.

So I got some drugs to help combat my Dental dilemma.

Problem is, they don't seem to work very well or very long. (If anyone says the drugs are just copying my natural characteristics, I'll kick their ass.)

I think it's the fact that I have a low pain threshold, yet a high resistance to pain relievers. Tylenol and shit has never really worked for me - I've always had to go to the heavier prescription drugs. But with the tots around, I don't really want to be doped out of my mind.

It's driving me batty.

Hopefully it'll only be a couple more days (I see the Dentist on Friday) and then this will all be over. I have a feeling that by the time I get to see him, everything will be fine and he'll look at me like I'm some kind of idiot.

Until then I'll take my shitty pain pills and my shitty antibiotics and suffer in shitty agony.

Anyone else notice a recurring theme there?

Yeah, I thought so.


Later.

The Tooth Fairy is a Crack Whore.

My mouth fucking hurts.

In the span of twenty-four hours I've gone from Crunchy Snacks and Peanuts to Smoothies and Soup. (And not good soup either.)

I have an abscess, and there is nothing that can be done except medicate and wait. I'd love for the whole damn thing to be ripped out of my skull right now, but that can't happen.

Instead I'm in agony, my skull throbbing in blistering pain, like I fell asleep against a Giant Speaker that only looped Celine Dion. (Yes - it is that bad.)

I'm off to pop some more drugs, and maybe even put some 'tussin on it. Then I have to make my lunch for tomorrow.

What kind of soup am I gonna have?
Any suggestions?



Later.

Paid Out.

If you'll notice, this is being posted in the wee hours of the morning.

Poker just finished at the Rambler Homestead, and the night was great for the hosts.

We cashed out for $98 tonight, which is good considering it's a $10 buy-in game. (My portion was the lion's share - I'll be honest.) Even with our re-buys earlier, we still doubled our money.

The kids slept like babies, and I added to their college fund. (Or my X-Box 360 fund, whatever.)

Can it possibly get any better than this?

Maybe on March 14th, but that's about it.


Later.

ComPost.

I'm always in favor of something new and different.

Quirky and interesting also work for me.

So I'm glad that I found all of it rolled up into one T.V. show - Pushing Daisies.

This show is so unlike anything I've ever seen on televison. The story, plots and pacing are all spot-on. The characters and dialogue are what make it for me. If Kevin Smith had to write material for Prime-Time viewing on Network T.V, this is type of dialouge he'd put out. It's rapid-fire and delivered very well.

There hasn't been an episode that I haven't liked yet. (The Wife? She hates it.) But I know it's not for everyone. If you know my type of humor, you'll like it. Keep in mind it's on televison, so it's not as crude as I normally go, but for PG stuff, it's great.

What am I saying? Go watch it already!


Later.

Lunchtime Laughter.

Goddamn, Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh.
The only problem is after watching this, I now want a club sandwich.

Where did I put the Mayo?


Later.

Easy Watchin'

Handing out candy is a boring job.

We get about 60 - 80 kids in my neighborhood each Halloween. It's not enough to make it a full-time job from dinner to bed, and it's too many to just shut off the lights and pretend I'm not home.

So it's nice that I can at least have something good to watch (and pause) when I'm not handing out the sweets.

I know your looking at the picture and thinking - "Really? Bordello of Blood? That's his idea of quality filmmaking?". You'll just have to hear me out.

I don't own it.(But I'm thinking of it now.) It happened to be on T.V last night, and I went with that selection. I didn't need to see a slasher film, but I did want something a little bit Halloweenny to watch as I doled out the treats.

And it is a good show. How can you deny these great features:

• Dennis Miller at his witty best.
• A Vampire Whorehouse - c'mon, that's just special right there.
• Corey Feldman dies not once, but twice.
• Titties, titties, titties.
• Campy, crazy, funny characters.
• Holy water in squirtguns.
• Erkia Eleniak playing a religious girl who doesn't believe in premarital sex. (How many times was she in Playboy?) Oh, the Irony.
  

I'll admit - I did switch back and forth between this and From Dusk Till Dawn. (I know the Sidekick will want to slap me for choosing someone other than Tarantino/Rodriguez) Two similar movies - but I went with the funny one and it worked for me.

Thinking back, I should have Tivo'd it. But now it's just another excuse to buy a DVD, right?

I endorse this movie, and if you haven't seen it, rent it next Halloween - it's good for a laugh.
(And did I mention Titties?)


Later.

Fright Night.

Ah, Halloween.

Tonight I will take my spawn and parade them around to the homes of strangers. Should the strangers find them pleasing, they will be rewarded with treats. (Good Family holiday, right?)

As soon as I'm done taking them out, The Wife takes them and visits all the relatives. Me? I stay at the homestead and had out candy to other peoples kids. (I'm thinking I might shut the lights off and watch Shaun of the Dead, but that wouldn't be keeping with the spirit of the holiday.)

Either way, it's a long night.

I yearn for the days when Halloween meant dressing like a Hobo and getting drunk at a party. When I was younger all the girls dressed like pumpkins or clowns. Now it's all about Naughty Nurses and Slutty Vampires. (Bitter? Not me.) No wonder young males take their fireworks and blow up everything in sight - it's not vandalism, it's sexual overload.

The picture on the right is what my Jack 'o Lantern looks like. Yes, my creative input involved printing out something I found on the Internet. The kids like it and that's what counts. I must say I did a hell of a job.

Watch out for the Ghosts and Goblins if you are out - and if you come to my house, don't knock - I'll be watching a movie.



Later.

Totally Fucking Gay.

I need your opinion.

I need to settle a matter of utmost importance. It's an ongoing question that can only be answered by an anonymous vote.

Which Coffee order sounds gayer to you?

• Venti White Chocolate Mocha.

Or...

• Venti Hazelnut Latte, Extra Hot, No Foam.

I can't tell you what I think, because one of those orders is mine. The other? It's the Sidekick's - and I think it's way gayer than my regular order. I wouldn't even order his in the Drive-Thru, because to do so would mean I'd eventually have to make eye contact with another human and I wouldn't be able to hide my shame - that's how gay his coffee is.

But I'll leave it up to you. You decide.

I put my fate in your hands.

Later.

Rock Out With My Cock Out.

"We all just wanna be big Rock Stars; live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars...." Rock Star - Nickelback.

Rock Stardom has always eluded me.

It may be because I can't play an instrument or carry a tune, but that doesn't matter right now. I believe that my main setback was the inability to practice what is known as Rocking Out.

Rocking Out is that strange combination of stance, facial manipulation, and body gyration that Rock Stars do - all while shredding their biggest songs on a killer guitar. Being able to practice my Rocking Out skills would be beneficial, even necessary, for me to attain Rock God-hood.

But I lack some items that are crucial to my needs:

• Killer Guitar. (That I can play.)
• Catalog of Music.
• Talent.

At least two of these problems can be solved if I buy Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii. The aforementioned Guitar (coolly customizable - with stickers!),and the game comes with over 70 songs. The talent? I'll have to supply that, but I think I can manage.

With these tools in hand nothing would stop me from ripping up some funk jams in the comfort of my own home. I know that with only a couple of late night sessions, my path to Rock Stardom would be well on it's way.

Buying it would be like an investment in my future.

Yeah, that's it...

I'd be crazy not to buy it, right?



Later.

(I know the Sidekick's gonna shit 'cause I opened the blog with a Nickelback lyric - it's his favorite band. Hahaha.)

Lost Time.

Sometimes I hate the Internet.

I sit down to blog, (about HDTV and 80's bands - an interesting combination) and as soon as I take one click away from what I'm about to do, I'm lost.

I needed a picture, and since it was about a band, I head to Amazon for some cover art. While I'm there I notice that Amazon has a really neat new mp3 listen/purchase thing for albums and check that out for a second. Then I glance up and see "People who viewed this also bought" and notice 3 or 4 other bands that I'd be interested in checking out. After that I decide to check and see if some of my favorite bands have sample things on their albums too, and then I have to start checking back catalogs and then I get stuck looking for rarities and then start seeing what's new and then I'm 45 minutes behind on what I wanted to accomplish. (That's a lot of "and thens".)

So what should have been a 10 second job wasted almost an hour.

I thank God once more that I do not have the Internet at work. (Yet - they are talking about it.) I'd never get anything done. If we do get it, I'm thankful that I won't have unlimited access to it - I'd be in trouble, I can tell you that.

- I just clicked away for a moment to double check something on Amazon, and I'm lost for another 10 minutes. See how this can be a problem?

I'm glad it wasn't YouTube - I'd be gone for days. (Chad Vader is the best.)



Later.

So Fucking Early..

The kids were up at 6:30am today.

Both of them.

Now I have a splitting headache and I'm going off to work. (Talk about bad karma - I must have kicked a puppy in another life.)

It's not as bad as it seems - I did get to sleep in a bit, so I'll be on top of my game at Poker tonight.

Just forgive me if I yawn while I'm taking all the money.


Later.

All Quiet....

I'm on lunch right now.
(Working the Late Shift.)

I was looking forward to coming home for lunch because I knew in advance that no one would be around. The Spouse and Kidlets are down-island today, and I'm the only one here right now.

God it's quiet.

Usually I come home to the kids playing, music or the T.V. on, and I get mauled the minute I walk through the door. That's not a bad thing, mind you, it's just that it's nice to have a little bit of solitude now and then. (Change it up a bit.)

So I have some music playing right now, (Metric, with The Foo & White Stripes to follow) and I'm going to relax and just enjoy the peace. This doesn't happen often, so I should take advantage of it.

Ahhhhh.... That's better.


Later.

Highlight of My Evening.

I just finished watching Episode 3 with The Boy. He loved all the others, and this one was no exception. (He's aware that the acting is somewhat wooden, but too young to care.)

Best part - right after the movie, I asked him if he liked it. He said "Yeah, Daddy, but that part where Darth Vader cries was kinda silly."

I just wanted to hug him. He makes me proud.


Later.

Where's The Beef?

Dvds are pissing me off lately.

Used to be, when you bought almost any DVD, you'd open it up and you would see something worth the $25 you paid for it. There would be a disc with nice artwork and a booklet or extras tucked into the little clip things on the left of the case interior. At worst you would have a scene selections sheet with chapters on it, usually laid out amongst photos or artwork pertaining to the movie.

That's what made buying DVDs so great - packed full of extras, both on and off the disc.

Recently? Not the case. (Pun intended.)

The last four or five movies I bought had nothing in them. Nada. Zip. Zilch. There was a bland, grey disc (or double-sided Fullscreen/Widescreen disc - a crime against God and Man) and nothing else. Granted, none of the discs were Special Editions, but only one of them (Transformers) came as anything other than a regular, plain DVD. There's just nothing left for the consumer anymore.

I can see why people pirate. If all I'm going to get is the movie and absolutely nothing else, why buy? Why not rent and burn, like I know so many others do? Why don't I just download them, if all I'm going to get is 90 minutes of whatever.

The music industry is slowly learning from the piracy battle. Make it worth our while to buy the physical media. Lots of artists are releasing albums with bonus Dvds, custom artwork, or innovative case design. They've tried to make us want the actual disc again.

Dvd makers are going to have to learn this lesson. Give me the extras - that's what I want. If you have to release a Special Edition, do so. (Transformers was a good idea - the only flaw was the the regular Dvd had nothing extra - not even deleted scenes.) You have to give the regular purchaser something, then they'll get hooked and lunge for the Special Editions - just like you want them too.

If you are going to fuck me over on the included contents, at least snap off those little clips inside the case so that they aren't staring at me, taunting me with what isn't there.

But stay away from this shit. I know it's eco-friendly. I know it'll save the planet. But I also know it'll look like crap on my Dvd rack - and that I just won't tolerate.



Later.

Bathroom Wall.

People who write on Bathroom walls confuse me.

I'm not exactly sure what they are trying to accomplish. Do they think that their expressions and proclamations are going to be heard by those they are targeted at? If so, I don't see how. Unless Julie T. sits down where Eric D. was taking a shit, she's never going to know the true depths of his feelings for her. (And that will be hard, because she'd have to sneak into the men's can.)

And are you supposed to enjoy or feel elated by these words? It's great that just before you wiped your ass, you thought about your girlfriend. I'm sure she'd be delighted to know that you hold her in such high regards. (When my colon is finished spasming and I have a hand full of tissue, that's the time I think of my loved ones.)

If you want to get your message out so bad, take an ad out in the paper. I understand that the lure of an audience that has nothing to do for 5-10 minutes but look at what you've written is hard to resist, but try to do it anyway. Jiffy Marker marketing doesn't (and shouldn't) work for everyone.

I think my other major frustration is that Bathroom Walls don't have spellcheck. I know it must be hard to write & defecate at the same time, but a little extra focus is all that's needed. (Or maybe take a dictionary in with you.)

Please flush twice after reading this post - someone needs the water.


Later.

Caffeinated Bliss.

I love Coffee.

Correction: I love Store-Made Coffee.

Doesn't matter where I go, Starbucks, Tim Horton's, or that coffee shack at the other end of town - I enjoy it when other people make me coffee.

And it can't be just anyone - it has to be a Coffee Professional.

My Coffee at home? Sucks.
Coffee at Grandma's? Sucks. (Sorry Grams.)
Restaurant Coffee? Sucks.
Regular Cup 'o Joe at work? Sucks most of all.

What do all of the above have in common? (Next to the fact that they all suck?) Neither myself, sweet Grams, the waitress at Ricky's, or any of the people I work with are true Coffee Professionals. There's training involved. Rigorous hours of training, using industrial equipment, to make sure that my beverage is prepared to exact specifications.

If you think of it, it's amazing. Take a 4-dollar crack whore, slap a Tim Horton's Uniform on her, train her up in customer service,(instead of servicing customers, wink-wink) and she can make a better cup of coffee than my Gran. (Bless her sainted little heart.) There's some Johnny Mnemonic -level brain technology going on there. There just has to be.

(If I brought home a 4-dollar crack whore and told my Wife that she was just there to make me coffee, do you think she'd believe me?)

Whatever it is, there's something about having that sweet beverage created just for me that makes it so wonderful. (I'm on my third Extra-Large of the day, and if I have any more, I think I will approach spiritual nirvana.)

If you'll excuse me, I think there's some residue left in the bottom of the cup.


Later.

Best Joke I've Heard All Day..

"What do you call a Dog with stainless steel balls and no back legs?"

......."Sparky."


Mind you, I work with the public, so it's not often that I get any really raunchy ones coming my way. It's just good to see that some people have a good sense of humor on these dreary days. The wind and the rain really seems to bring the asshole out in everyone.

At least I got to laugh.


Later.