Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Dear John Mayer:

I'm a sucker for your laid-back, soulful tunes.

I've been a fan since your early days, and have remained one because I try not to overplay your music and I completely avoid your Twitter feed. (I keep hearing you're a total douche bag, and I really don't want the confirmation.) Next to "Your Body is a Wonderland", I can listen to almost all of your music with enjoyment.

So you can imagine how excited I am that you have a new album coming out soon. I really like the first single, "Shadow Days" - you are right back to that mellow sound that just puts me in a relaxed mood.

The video, however, is fucking horrible.

I'm sorry, but you look like a dirty fucking hippie.

I don't know if it's the hat, the hair, or the scruffy chin-fluff you've got going on, but I swear you look just like a homeless guy who's currently residing in the bus shelter beside my workplace.

Take away the guitar, add a bus shelter, and BAM! - Homeless Guy.
 The unfortunate side effect of this is that whenever I do hear your new single, I swear I can smell cheap liquor and human excrement. I'm sure this wasn't what you intended when you decided to change your look, but I'm just keepin' it real for you, and hoping you'll see the light of day.

I tell you what: You get a haircut and stop raiding Billy Jack's closet, and I'll do my best not to associate your music with the drunk guy that staggers across our parking lot towards the liquor store thrice daily to drown his sorrows.

Unless that's actually you.

In that case, can I get an autograph?



  1. your amusing and quite odd, love it!

  2. you know the only song I like of his is the body wonderland song....otherwise he kind of gets on my nerves. But I do agree that his new look is not a good one. And he reminds me of Johnny Depp.

    1. ...but ugly, scruffy Johnny Depp, right? Not cool, suave Johnny Depp. He's like a wanna-be ugly Johnny Depp.

      Why can't I stop typing Johnny Depp?

      Johnny Depp.JohnnyDeppJohnnyDeppJohnnyDepp.

      Too much coffee this morning.


  3. Cheap Liquor and Human Excrement = great name for a band.

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  5. Anonymous2:22 pm

    He will always be a douche bag!!!