Letter to the Editor

God ? It's me.
You remember me, right? We met at that party, I was being loud and obnoxious, you were sitting off in the corner, silently watching me, with just a smug little grin on your face.
Later, as we ran into each other by the keg, I made a witty remark, and you laughed, showing me your perfect smile, and dazzling me with that impressive rack you have.
It just seemed so right. I was the bad boy you were looking to tame, you were the good influence on my otherwise decadent lifestyle.
Where did it all go wrong? Was it when you caught me with your sister? The reason we were like that is because she was choking and the only way I could get her airway clear was to "snake" it out. Really, it was just bad timing, you walking in that way.
And was it my fault that your best friend just happens to be naked in my bed? I don't know how she got there, but what's a guy to do? Trust me, I made sure that she'll think twice before attempting the reverse cowgirl in the pike position again. I think she's learned her lesson.

So why did you feel it was necessary to inflict this completely horrible, fucking annoying chest cold on me? I can't breathe, my head's all stuffed up, and I'm only 3 days away from the Robert Plant concert in Victoria. If you hate me that much, we should have got married. But a cold? Right at the start of the fall? One of those ones that could hang around for months? Bad form. Really bad form. Next time just kick me in the nuts and we'll call it a draw.

Things I Just Don't Understand

Every once in a while you come across something or someone who completely and utterly baffles you. You can't understand why they are the way they are or what the hell is going on, no matter how it's explained to you.
Here's some of mine.

1. Magazine Publishers - How many different issues of the same type of magazine are you going to put out? For every Maxim, there's like 3 or 4 shitty rags like Details or Giant. What the fuck is the point? And it used to be that men's magazines used to contain articles, or at least really good pictures (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). But now there are more ads than articles, and most of the ads are slightly homo-erotic, in a metro kinda way. Look, if Ralph Lauren wants me to buy a pair of his pants, he should just have a picture of the fuckin' pants for Christ's sake.
2. Fat Women in Tight Clothes - Jesus this shit sickens me. Listen, I'm a slightly tubby guy, and yet I wear clothes that tend to flatter the more rotund parts of my body. What woman can cram herself into clothing that is 3 sizes too small, look at herself in the mirror and not notice that the fabric of her blouse is streching at the seams or that if she exhales, the button on her jeans is likely to blow off and cause serious collateral damage?
3. Joe's Hatred of Bono - Man, you'd think that Bono molested Joe when he was younger. I think you'll see Dana hugging Dubya before you see Joe forgive Bono for his supposed crimes against humanity.
4. Calculus - Don't try to explain it. Just tell me it's magic and I'll go with that.
5. Homeless People - Now I might go to hell for this, but how exactly do you become homeless? With the amount of aid our government gives to the disadvantaged, I find it hard to believe that someone can be homeless in this day and age. Sure, welfare sucks, but use it to get back on your feet, get a job, and get a life. If you choose to blow that chance on crystal meth or the big H, too bad. Nobody forced you to take those drugs.
6. People who don't own a DVD player - Bad choice after just dissing the Homeless, but really, it's 2005, people. It's a standard media format. The average player costs, what, around 60 bucks? How can you not have one? Get with the program.

Right now that's all I can think of. What baffles you?

Free The Hostages.

I'd like to take this time to reflect on my favorite part of the female anatomy, The Breasts.
I know that there are those of you out there who will disagree with me, and you are welcome to your thoughts and opinions. Now shut the fuck up and let me tell you why I think the way I do.

Don't get me wrong, I think that there are other redeemable parts of a woman, first and foremost of them being the brain, but come on, what would you rather have , an extremely charming, sophisticated, intelligent, nuclear physicist - type girlfriend, or an extremely charming, sophisticated, intelligent, nuclear physicist - type girlfriend with an awesome rack? No choice at all, right?
And for the final argument in that category, if you can show me a woman with two brains hanging on the outside of her chest, straining to keep their intelligence from bursting out of a tiny, barely-there bikini top, then get her number, 'cause I'll be next in line on her call display.

Now there are those out there who think that bigger is better when it comes to breasts. Not so. If that was the case then all the fat chicks would be doing the lingerie ads. (Please take a moment to use steel wool to scour that image from your brain.) Breasts are all about quality vs. quantity. Size, shape, firmness, nipple position and displayablity are all important factors to consider. Nipple position? Why would we mention that? Well if they're not there, then you've got a problem. If one is looking right at you and the other is checking something off to the left, well, it's just distracting. Not that having a pair of breasts in your face isn't distraction enough.

What else do you have to be on the look out for? Well, you always have to take proportion into account. The breasts of a petit woman do not look good on a larger-sized woman. Inversely, the breasts of a larger sized woman look freakin' fantastic on a smaller girl. Funny, that.

But as with most things in life, it's all about presentation. Merchandising. There are bras out there that can take the smallest of offerings and make it look like like they could overwhelm you with the slightest provocation. But I like to keep it simple. If it looks good under just a regular t-shirt, then we are good to go. Hell, if I'm allowed to touch them, then we are good to go.
I must admit though, that things have improved with time, at least from a viewable standpoint. When I was but a young lad in high school, the uniform of choice among girls seemed to be the baggy-sweatshirt over jeans or stirrup pants. Now, there's so much going on that it takes 3 or 4 minutes just to look a woman in the eyes. And I'm not talking about young girls here, it seems like those who feel they have something to show feel compelled to show it. As a man, I believe that this is the pinnacle of our society, it simply can't get any better than this.

But what about accessories? There seems to be many different types of add-ons and ornaments that are out there. Well, what about them? I say like most things in life, moderation is important. Have a piercing? Great. Have so much metal in your chest that I can only make out a vague, breast-like shape? Not good. If there's a tattoo there, it's okay, I like to admire art. If it's a tattoo of your Dad saying "Touch her and I kill you", that's a bad thing. It's whatever you feel comfortable with.

With all that being said, I like the fact that breasts are like snowflakes, no two are the same. Well, no two sets, that is. And I think that is the root of my infatuation. Woman have one face, one ass and one personality to present to the world (except the schizoid ones.) But they all have their two biggest ambassadors right out front to greet you, And that's not a bad way to say Hello.

I Got Fixed At The Garage.

Holy Shit.
That's the easiest way for me to sum up the Pearl Jam concert.
I have to thank Joe for taking me, as I was not the biggest fan of the band, I knew their music, but I always had them pictured as a whiney, politically active, crying-about-the-trouble-of-fame band.
I was wrong.
Now this was not my first concert, I've been to quite a few in my day, but these were the shitiest seats EVER, and you know what?
It didn't matter.
The band came out to rock and they did. From the first chords of "Release" to the end of their 3rd, three song encore, they held the crowd in the palm of their hand and there was no letting go. I was totally impressed.
Now normally after a concert, I don't feel like listening to that band for a while. I've had my fill, slaked my thirst, and just want to move on. Not this time. I've looked up the set list from that night, and am in the process of making a CD so I can keep on listening.
Now I'm not turning into a born again fanboy, but I have to admit, I was wrong about this band. I never gave them a chance, and after seeing them live, I'm not going to make the same mistake with other bands. I'll try to be open minded.

I don't think that it'll work for every band though. But if I ever feel like watching a grown man cry onstage about losing his car keys and having sympathetic menstrual cramps, I'll go see a Tragically Hip concert.

Top Ten

As I said before I'm going to post my top ten movies that I can watch over and over.
In no particular order, and obviously excluding the Holy Trilogy, here they are:

1. The Great Escape - Do I have to explain? It's Steve McQueen . 'Nuff said.
2. The Fifth Element - Just a great, action filled, sci-fi movie.
3. Airplane & Airplane 2 - Some of the best visual humor put on film.
4. Top Secret! - What can I say? I almost piss myself everytime her tits light up.
5. Tombstone - Yes, I am a closet Val Kilmer whore, but this movie is all around AWESOME.
6. Not Another Teen Movie - A great parody of all the other angtsy- horny-teen movies.
7. The Princess Bride - I just can't get some people to understand how great this movie really is. But "As you wish".
8. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - I'm obviously a fan of crude humor, and any movie that has the most uses of the work "fuck" in it has to be on this list.
9. Orgazmo - The Adventures of a Mormon Porn Star? Who doesn't want to watch this? -P.S. - Not actually porn, so it can make the list.
10. Highlander - Greatest mullet ever. Rumor has it there was a sequel, but it's hard to fit a steaming pile of shit into the DVD player.

So there you have them. You may or may not agree with my selections, but who the fuck really cares? Movies are what you get out of them. That's why I love 'em.