Twitterpatied

If you'll look to your right, you'll notice that I've recently started using Twitter, and stuck it in my blog.

Yes, it's a blatant ripoff from another blog I read. (Didn't someone say imitation is the highest form of flattery?)

With the new phone making texting easier, I thought I'd give it a go. There was no point in doing it before - I'd waste so much time on each entry on my ol'school phone that I'd be doing nothing but typing about how sore my thumbs are.

I think Twitter is better suited to my style of humor. I'm all about the quick line and ready quip. If the Sidekick and I could link Twitter accounts, you know there would be some wicked witty banter going on - the Internet would fall before the onslaught of Kevin Smith quotes.

(Sad, really.)

So if you do check back and I haven't posted, look over there - I just might have something Twitty to say.



Later.

Swineful Behavior.

No, this isn't about swine flu - it's about me being a pig.

Sure, I got up and went to the gym today. Lifted weights, ran for a half hour, tanned - but then six hours later, I blow it all.

For some strange reason, I just demolished:

• A Peanut Butter sandwich
  
• Two sticks of pepperoni
• Chocolate Muffin
• Glass of Chocolate Milk

And that was after my lunch and hour ago - in which I had a healthy, fulfilling sandwich. (Mmm Turkey.) I think I know the culprit: boredom.

It's not that I'm bored, really - I'm hanging with my two Boys, so nothing is really boring. It's just that with the rain and wind we're inside - and even playing with them, there's some downtime, and they eat some snacks, and there's all this shitty food laying around, so...

I do it to myself.

It's easier when I can take them out and do something with them - it keeps me busy as well, and not being around all the shitty food is a plus.

But now I'm feeling guilty, and have already begun to plan my "revenge" workout for tomorrow in my head.

Yes, I know - I need help.

Don't worry about the binging - it's when I start purging that you can call in the shrinks...



Later.

Pop For Sale.

So they are auctioning off Neverland.

Now, I'm not one to judge how batshit crazy Micheal Jackson may or may not be, but if you leaf through even just a portion of the online auction catalog, you'll understand that he just isn't living in the same world as the rest of us.

It's not the scores of Arcade games he has, nor the antique popcorn & coffee machines. (I'd have that shit too, if I had the cash.)

It's the dolls.

Not so much the life-sized Batman & Terminator statues (still cool), but the life sized ones of:

• Maids - old, not french.
• Butlers - old, not Alfred or Benson.
• Old people sitting on benches.
• Clowns.

There's more, but I think I mentally blocked the rest of the shit out.

I can't even begin to say I understand why he'd have shit like that laying around.

But who would understand? Macaulay? Janet? Someone ask Tito - maybe he knows what the fuck was up with that shit.

All I know is I'd hate to be the guy who's got to pick that shit up after it's sold.

"Was this pair of toddler's undies supposed to be with the belt and jacket from the Bad video? - Oh, I didn't think so."



Later.

Back To The Grind.

Tomorrow is my first day back from holidays.

I'm almost looking forward to it.

You see, I've discovered that I'm a creature of routine - I sleep, go to the gym, work, run, and poop. (I do many exciting things as well, but that's pretty much the basis of my existence.) When you take 8+ hours a day out of that routine - things start to fall apart.

Such as:

• My Diet - I've been eating like shit on these holidays. Sure, I've been going to the gym, but without the regular lifting and moving that my job requires, I'm just not doing enough to justify the calories. (I'd still like to drop about 10 pounds before the 8K in Vic, and that's only 42 days away.)
  
• My Motivation - When there's no time frame for things to be done, I'm in no rush to do them. I run in the mornings because I have to - after work is tied up with the kids and such - but if I can run anytime, the urgency to do it is gone, and I either skip it, or do it half-assed.
• My Sleep - Normally I can't nap in the middle of the day, (God, I miss the couch in Oyster River) so I just keep moving and burning my energy up. I napped at least an hour for each of the last three days, and it kept me up later each night. My sleep cycle is going to be a bitch to get straightened out.
• My Brain - I need the interaction that work gives me. Spending time with my kids is great, but talking to other people is where I get my spark - my humor and wit. The Boys understand that farting is funny, but they don't get sarcasm yet, and I'm not allowed to tell them any blowjob jokes. Even my thought process for the blog has been affected. I've blogged more on holidays when I wasn't even in town.

So breaking this evil cycle will be a good thing. I know going back to work will still be semi- shitty, but just getting back to the routine will be a welcome relief.

But I'm saying that now - tomorrow may be a different story.





Later.

In Absentia

Later

No Accounting For Taste.

I've lost my faith in Humanity.

It's not the endless war in Iraq.

It's not the money-hungry gas companies.

It's not the mindless crimes committed against our fellow humans.

It's the fact that the most-viewed video on YouTube is Avril Lavinge's Girlfriend. (93 million views? WTF?)

What is the world coming to?


No wonder the earth is going to hell in a hand basket - look at the shit we are destroying our brains with. It doesn't help that 10 of the top 20 are Rap/ Hip hop videos and at least 2 of the other 10 are by My Chemical Romance. (That's sad - really, really sad.)

But what was I expecting? I didn't think I'd find a documentary on the Large Hadron Collider, but at least something intellectual would be nice. Alas, it was not to be. I think I'm getting dumber just looking at that page.

But at least I can get caught up on watching all these Timbaland videos....




Later.

Bite Of Passage.

The Boy hit a milestone today - he lost his first tooth.

As much as I would have hoped that this would have occured while getting in his first fight or while stopping pucks for an NHL franchise, (Hey, Tiger golfed at 3) it came out naturally, at home, with just a bit of encouragement.

What impressed me the most? The Boy himself yanked it out.
(Does that mean he'll be a dentist? I can live with that.) For him to do that took more guts than anything - people have been telling him about the door-slamming trick since it started wiggleing. I think he yanked it to prevent that from happening.

So we put it in an envelope, wrote "Tooth Fairy" on it and tucked it under his pillow. Right now, the Tooth Fairy is waiting for him to fall asleep so he can get the envelope and replace it with $5.

Yeah, that's right - $5.

I spoil my kids.


Later.

I Feel Shame.

Yes, I went and saw a movie about an Israeli hairdresser.

That's all I want to hear about it, okay?

Fun movie, but too much hommus for my liking.



Later.

Suspension Of Disbelief.

I can believe a man turns into a Green Monster and smashes things.

I can believe Assassins who can curve bullets in mid-air.

I can believe a man can fly around in a suit of metal.

I can even believe that Keanu Reeves will be able to "whoa" his way through a new movie. (That never should have been remade in the first place.)


But asking me to believe that the modern-day Toronto Maple Leafs are playing in the Stanley Cup Finals? Uh-unh. Stop the bus, I'm gettin' off.

No thanks, Mr. Myers - I can't suspend my disbelief that much.




Later.

I Feel....

1. That the guy on the Radio is a complete idiot. If you say that "Touch of Grey" is your favorite Grateful Dead song, it really means it's the only Grateful Dead song you know.



2. Forget the protein shakes and supplements - the greatest thing after a hard workout is a Timmy's XL 2 Cream, 2 Sweetener. Start your day off right, dammit.


3. That my ideal job would be just walking around the store and bulshitting with people. Either that or Porn.



4. That sometimes I don't eat enough roughage.
5. That pretty soon I'll be taking a gas can and siphon tube with me on my morning jog. Stealing other peoples gas reduces my carbon footprint, right?



6. That when I wake up feeling like I've slept in late, only to see that it's actually 7am, means I'm either getting up way too early on my gym days, or else I'm still asleep and soon my dream will involve clowns dancing naked.



7. That the less I physically look like Mike Matusow, the more my Poker luck seems to echo his. (How many rivers can one man take?)



8. That running on the Treadmill comes in three stages: Why the hell am I doing this; This feels great, I should do it more often; and When the fuck can I get off this thing?



9. That Peanut Butter should be it's own food group. Healthy or unhealthy, that shit's amazing.



10. That trying to come up with Ten interesting things to say is harder than it looks. Try it sometime. (And yes, complaining about my lack of roughage is interesting. You're reading about it, right?)
    

Later.

Bless You, uTorrent.

I just downloaded an entire album in less than nine minutes.

(Of course I own the psychical CD, and this is only a backup copy - fair use, right?) Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Talk about instant gratification.

If only life were as reliable as uTorrent - I would have had six-pack abs ages ago.



Later.