Torturing Myself.

Want to know what torture is?

I'll tell you what it isn't.

• It isn't exercising twice a day for the last six weeks.
• It isn't eating leafy greens and veggies until I'm a walking repository of Beta-Carotene.
• It isn't sweating so much that you feel like your middle name should be "estuary".

Torture is taking your kids through the drive-thru at McDonald's (because they begged you), getting them hotcakes, and having to breathe in that smell all the way home. I almost broke down and wept on the way back.

I'll admit - they aren't great hotcakes. Ever since they went to the frozen-microwave-and-serve variety the taste just hasn't been the same. But the smell - Oh God, the smell. If a woman wants to be ravished, (at least by me) just dab a McDonald's hotcake behind each ear and watch me go to town. It smells like vanilla cake mixed with a dab of heaven.

Needless to say, I sat at the far end of the table when my kids were eating.

If the U.S. really wanted to get tough with the detainees in Guantanamo, they'd have a couple dozen microwaves going full tilt, just outside the wire. That, coupled with some well placed fans, would be the best not-really-torture-but-it's-torture-really that you could get.

Better than the waterboarding they've been doing, right?



Later.

Look But Don't Touch.

Remember when I said I had to do that technological upgrade for work?

Well the reason for it is on the right.

We switched over to a new pinpad/terminal system for all our debit/credit transactions. Today was the first day of the switch.

Guess what? I didn't even get to use them once.

It's not like I wasn't helping to cash people through - I usually have to help out at least 3-4 times a day. But today, every single person I helped paid with cash.

It was weird. I had this great technological toy I wanted to use, and no one used their debit card. You have no idea how strange it is. Everyone pays with debit (or credit) - cash is almost the least seen type of currency around here.

It's like God was laughing at me.

"Ha ha, little man - looks like you'll be waiting a while to use that shiny toy!"

Asshole.

You know how it is when you get a new cell or cordless phone, and you have to wait 24 hours for the battery to charge up before use? That is what today was like - that interminable waiting period before you get a chance to play with the shiny new object.

It sucks.

I think tomorrow I'll buy a pack of gum (on debit) just so I can play.

Dentyne Ice, anyone?




Later.

Breakable.

So I roll up to work today, and what do I find?

Broken glass.

It was vandalism, as far as we can tell. No one got inside, and nothing was taken.

But what a pain in the ass.

Having to deal with the cleanup, the repair, (has to wait until tomorrow) and the endless questions from people about "What's happened to your door?" is maddening.

I'd like to find out who did it and break the windows where he/she works/lives.
It would be a pleasant retribution.

If you need me I'll be over in the corner.. sweeping up glass.



Later.

Of Dog Shit & White Shoes.

I suggest a theory:

God hates me.


Justification of my theory:

The whiter I want to keep my new shoes is directionally proportionate to the chance that I'll step in random dog shit. The frustration factor is multiplied by the fact that I a) do not own a dog, and by all rights should not come into contact with said species fecal matter, and b) hate the smell of said matter more than anything in the world.

It's not like I don't watch where I put my feet - I do. I suspect that some almighty entity is playing tricks on me, and conjuring piles of the stuff to magically appear under my shoe.

If you look at it, it's the only reasonable answer.

Right?



Later.

Odorous Chapeau.

See the hat to the right?

It's exactly like the one I wear to the gym. (Don't mind the Bulldog - I'm not trying to make a statement - it was in a discount bin.)

As I stated here and here, I'm a sweater. To solve the problem of it running into my yes and ears, I wear the hat. It acts like a sweatband, but without looking totally gay. Thus I enjoy my workout without having to wipe my face every five minutes and just throw it into my gym bag when I'm done.

And therein lies the problem.

The hat has taken on a life of it's own.

I've aired it out, ( a bit) but it's continued use and oft-forgotten confinement in my gym bag has left it with a certain aroma. (Why do I remember to do my gym laundry but forget the hat's in there?) I'm in a conundrum as to what to do about it. I need it, but what's the point of looking buff and sexy when you've got a fetid odor emanating from your head.?

What's the best way to deal with this?

• Suck it up and buy a new hat, cheapo.
• Wash it, possibly ruin it, and buy a new hat.
• Pray for divine guidance - hope Jesus returns with a new lid for me.
• Get one of those gay, wash-your-hat-in-the-dishwasher things - and feel like less of a man.
• Dangle these from my ears.
• Ignore it, and hope it will go away. (The correct man-thing to do.)
• Stop wearing the hat, and look like I'm melting every time I'm on the rowing machine.

None of them seem like excellent solutions.

I'm airing it out tonight, and I'll maybe wave the Febreze bottle at it before I go to sleep. Barring inspiration, I'll decide what to do after that.

But if your at the gym, an catch a whiff of gorgeous man-odor - it's either me on the treadmill - or I left my hat behind.



Later.

Most Retarded Moment Ever.

So the other day I'm heading to the gym, and I grab my iPod.

I go to turn it on and nothing happens - dead as a doornail.

Now it's been a while since I charged it - I figured I may have left it on in the car or something and the battery ran out.

I plug it into my computer and everything seems great. Charging just fine. Later on I undock it and have it ready to go for the next day.

24 hours later? It won't turn on. I was pissed. I've never had problems with it, and for it to give up the ghost like this got me really steamed. I was cursing Steve jobs and the unfairness of the universe. I was about to cast it away in disgust when I happened to glance at the top of it.

Guess what?

Yeah - the Hold Switch is on. I'm a dumb motherfucker who didn't even think to check the simplest thing. One flick and my (fully charged) iPod is good to go. I only deprived myself of music for two days 'cause I'm an idiot, not because Apple failed me.

I'm sorry, Steve - I'll never doubt you again.


Later.

I Lost Short Round's Head.

I envy today's children.

Why?

Because they get cool shit like this. Indiana Jones Lego. Is that not the coolest fucking thing ever?

When I was a kid, Lego sucked balls. (Not real balls - if it did, I'd have a fonder memory of it.) You only had three colors, maybe some wheels, and everything you made looked like shit. Sure, you could make a plane, but it looked like something the Wright brother's dog threw up. And for some reason every hat for my Lego men disappeared. It takes away from the illusion if you can see the Lego name stamped on top of your hero's pointy yellow head. (Why was every Lego guy Asian? What was up with that?)

I wonder if they have all the characters. I'd like the Temple of Doom set - where Mola Ram rips that peasant's heart out and casts it into the flames. Or the Plane Fight set - when Indy kicks that big Nazi into the propeller. Too much to ask?

The cool thing is, my son wants it. I just have to find some way to contrive a reason to get it for him.

I hope all the boxes look like this .

That would be too much to hope for.


Later.

I Want To Be A Rock Star..

More importantly, I want to be an 80's Rock Star.

You see, being a Rock Star nowadays has it's drawbacks. You are constantly in the public eye, held accountable for your beliefs and actions, and expected to lend your support to a number of worthwhile causes.

80's Rock Stars didn't have to do any of that. Did you ever hear anyone ask Kip Winger what he thought about the starving kids in Africa? Hell no - he was too busy singing Seventeen and banging hot chicks to care if some kid missed a couple of meals.

Sure, the paparazzi watched Tommy Lee, and reported what he was doing - but who cared? You could have printed that he was drunk out of his mind, bought some coke and went home with 3 women and people would have just shook there heads and said "That Tommy". Vince Neil even killed a guy and all he got was probation.

That kind of reckless, unaccountable, morally corrupting lifestyle is mighty inviting, don'tcha think?

My only problems would be the spandex, makeup, and hair. If I have trouble telling the difference between my band mates and the groupies, somethings wrong. I'd hate to grab the first thing I see when I get off stage and find it's got the same tackle as me.

Yes, there are perks and pitfalls, but I'd be willing to try it out for a while at least. I just have to work on "Throwing the Horns" and my extended guitar solos. Do you think Guitar Hero would help with that?

Sweet.

See you at the reunion tour.



Later.

I Feel....

1. Confused - I'm not sure who pisses me off more: The drivers in this town or the pedestrians. When I'm driving I want to smack them all, preferably with the hood of my car.
2. Elated - When you flip over Quad 8's and win a bunch of your money back.. Oh God, yes.
3. Frustrated - If you've ever tried to dress a two-year old that "wants to do it himself", you know what I'm talking about.
4. Amazed - That my tubby ass can finally fit into jeans I wore eight months ago.
5. Disbelief - Really, I can't believe the jeans fit.
6. Depressed - I really wanted HDDVD to win the format war. It's not that I hate Sony, it's just the spelling of "Blu" in Blu-Ray really pisses me off.
7. Irritated - That people who have no idea how a computer functions think it's okay to just "click around". Would you stick your hand into a running car engine to just "feel around"? Now I have to make the drive and fix that shit, retard.
8. Perplexed - That I haven't done an "I Feel" list in so long, yet I still struggle to have 10 things to list. (I guess the mind is starting to slip.)
9. Exhausted - It's tiring being this great. You have no idea how much energy it takes to be this fabulous. (And I mean fabulous in the "phenomenal" sense - not the "gay" sense.)
10. Minty - 'Cause this gum is the fucking greatest.

Later.

Can't Wait For Trewsday.

Right now, I'm basking in audio glory.

I'm listening to the Trews new album, No Time For Later. It's release date is Tuesday, but there's a link on their site that takes you to MuchMusic where you can preview the whole album.

So far, I'm really liking it.

I like it when you can tell a band has grown between albums, but they are also able to stay true to the sound that made you like them in the first place. I think the Trews have pulled it of with this one.

Tracks I really like right now are Man of Two Minds, Paranoid Freak, and Ocean's End.

I like the whole thing, actually - but if I had to pick first impressions, those would be the ones. If it's anything like the last album each song will grow on me, and I'll discover each of them in their own time. I miss the drive to work that I use to have - it gave me time to listen to all this music. (I'm starting to walk to work now that the frost is only a quarter-inch thick - I'll have the time then I guess.)

If you get a chance, check it out.

And since I'm off Tuesday, I'll see you in line at the CD store.



Later.

Aren't What They Used To Be.

If it wasn't for Spellcheck, I'd look like a retard.

My typing skills have gone way down lately. I'm making mistakes that would shame even The Sidekick. (Sorry Bro, I had to use you as an example people could relate to.)

If I was to just type and post an entry without Spellcheck and proofreading, you would all think that one of the kids had got online and was banging away at my keyboard. That or I had a seizure mid-post.

But is it my hands or my brain that's slipping?

I could probably take the loss of one or the other, but not both.

We'll see how it progresses, but if I start Video blogging, then you know it's the hands that have gone. (If I start talking about Port Alberni all the time, you'll know it's the brain.)



Later.

Better Latte Then Never.

I think I'm ready for Starbucks again.

I stopped going there for dietary reasons. My favorite, the Venti White Chocolate Mocha, topped in at 580 calories per! (Not a gay drink, just fattening.) That's just under the amount I eat at a meal.

It hurt, but I let it go.

I've been doing really well with the contest, (although this week I lost only 2 pounds instead of my usual 5) having lost almost 20 pounds so far. I don't want to jeopardize what I've accomplished, but I would like to enjoy a real caffeine fix every once in a while.

I was checking The Starbucks website for nutritional information when I started reading about their Skinny Lattes and Mochas. I'd heard of them before, but never bothered to look anything up. (I figured a Skinny coffee was the equivalent of a Lite Big Mac.) I can have a Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte (No Whip) and it's only 160 calories - that's a lot easier to fit into my day than 580.

Which means I'll be fitting into my old jeans soon.

Coffee anyone?



Later.

(P.S. - I tried on a pair today - I'm in my old jeans now - but I'd still like to go down at least one more size.)

February Stars.

Yeah, I know it's Valentine's Day, and I should be posting either lovey-dovey stuff or ranting against the corporate mechanism that spawned this day, but my heart's not in it.

This morning I treated myself.

The kids were playing by themselves so I grabbed my coffee, hit the couch and started watching Skin and Bones. I have the album, but had never seen all of the concert. (Just bits and pieces.) It was being broadcast in Hi-Def last Sunday, and I was wise enough to PVR the fuck out of it - almost knowing that eventually I'd have a moment to watch it.

Fuck it's great.

The intimacy, flow, and setlist are spectacular. I have to say, if you asked me to choose between seeing The Foo play a acoustic set or a balls-to-the-wall rock set, I'd have a hard time choosing.

One of my all-time favorite Foo songs is February Stars - I can't tell you for sure, because I have about 15 or 20 all-time favorite Foo songs. (That makes narrowing it down extremely difficult.) Listening to that song today is what inspired me to post - Dave Grohl is my muse, I guess.


If you get a chance to watch it, please do so.
If you get a chance to see them live - I envy you like a fat kid envy's the Ice Cream Man.



Later.

No Help At All.

At some point during my technical work the other day I encountered a snag, and had to call a help desk.

At first, it wasn't too bad - I had someone who knew what they were talking about and helped me as best they could. When we still couldn't resolve it, they suggested politely that I call the manufacturer of the hardware that was giving me issues.

That turned out to be the phone call from hell.

Not only was the phone connection terribly bad, (there was a echo delay of two or three seconds- after speaking, I could hear myself repeating what was just said.) but it was so obvious that the guy had no clue and was just reading from a script. At one point, I asked him a relevant question, and he ignored it - he just kept reading along. He repeated the same instructions to me three times even though I'd told him I did what he instructed the first time he asked. It's like he wasn't even paying attention.

In the end I hung up on him and fixed it (with a bit of brainstorming from my brother-in-law) myself.

I wish that there was a button you could push that told the techs " I'm a guy with enough knowledge to do this if you point me in the right direction." instead of "Treat me like a retard and pretend I'm not even looking at the monitor." I know they have to assume that you don't know anything, but shouldn't it be obvious after three or four minutes that someone has a clue, and maybe is cable of stuff that's not on the script?

Ah, whatever - the problem's fixed now.

I hope I never have to call that number again.
I think I'll die a little inside if I have to.



Later.

Two Posts, No Waiting.

So yesterday I posted twice.

I had just finished one post, and the inspiration for the other hit me. They were both time sensitive, so to do one and save the other for a later date would have been retarded. (Hey look! He posted about the Grammys four days after they aired! What a douche!)


I just don't want all of you to get used to twice-daily postings - too much of my musings can be addictive and lead to abnormal behavior.

And I can't be responsible for that.

I'll try to keep it to one-a-day from now on.



Later.

Congratulations, Dave.

The Foo Fighters took home Grammys for Best Hard Rock Performance and Rock Album.

Was there ever any doubt?

I'd still sell my soul to see them when they are in Van - any takers?


Later.

Upgradeable.

Tomorrow is going to be a tricky day.

See, I'm not only the Dairy Manager at work, I'm also the pro-temp IT guy. They like to have me around whenever anything "newfangled" and "digital" needs to be dealt with. This can be anything from debit machines to setting up the network. I enjoy it, and they do reward me nicely.

But tomorrow is tricky because I have to to a couple of things:

1. Upgrade a shitty computer that they have,
   
2. Setup the network in the Main Office.
3. Install, hook up to the network, and test the new debit terminals,
4. Make sure to explain in simple terms what I did so they can understand.

The last one is the worst part.

Trying to explain to people that you can't just "put the disk in and everything is magically ok."is almost infuriating. They seem to think that I can get all of this done in about an hour ( I laughed at that part) and that it's all going to work wonderfully the first time. (Can you tell they've never done anything with computers before?) I'm also not at my regular location, all this is at the other store - so it's not like I can just stop and check on my stuff if need be.

But I'll get it done - and look like a genius in the end.

It's just going to be maddening, that's all.

I can deal.



Later.

Magnanimous In Victory.

I'm going to be a good sport.

I'm not going to be one of those people who gloats or glorifies in the defeat of others.

I'll be pretty tough though, 'cause the Avs sure put a whoopin' on the Canucks last night.

I was apologetic for the first two goals, admitting that they were lucky bounces on scrambles in front of the net, but after that, I just had to shake my head and smile a lot.

The amount of grief that I take for being an Avs fan in B.C is equal only to the amount the Sidekick gets bugged when he wears his Habs jersey in Toronto.

So to see my team just stomp the shit out of the local boys was simple payback, right? Sure, I know that Vancouver's been playing the shits and their defense is decimated with injuries, but so what? Colorado's three top scorers are out too, so shouldn't that have balanced the tables a bit?

Apparently not, judging by the score. (Ohh! Ice Burn!!)

Oh yeah, I said I was going to be magnanimous and above all the petty gloating, right?


Maybe next time.



Later.

Fit To Be Thai'd

Went out for dinner last night.

The suggestion was made for Thai food.

Now, I know of Thai food, but next to Lipton Sidekicks Thai Curry Noodle and the occasional deli Thai Salad, I've never really eaten it.
(Probably due to the fact that I like Hot and Spicy, and The Wife does not.)

So we went to the local (meaning: only) Thai restaurant in town, and after ordering, I waited apprehensively for my first taste of real Thai cuisine.

I think I'm in love.

The food was fantastic. Flavorful, spicy, wonderful aromas and textures. (I even enjoyed the import Thai beer The Sidekick suggested - we all now how his usual recommendations turn out.) I thoroughly enjoyed every morsel.

I overate like it was my last meal - and it was worth every bite.

I think I'll do it again - in moderation - another time. Too much of a good thing makes me a chubby boy.

I'm off to the gym to burn off the calories from last night. But when I burp, and taste Ganeg Paneg, it'll be worth it.



Later.

Frosty Toes.

Lately, my feet are always cold.

If I'm not moving around or actually doing something, I find that it feels like I have blocks of ice where my shoes should be.

It's not a pleasant thing.

It would be alright if I was the type of guy who wore slippers - but I'm not that type of guy. Slippers are not something I would even consider. Why?

"Cause slippers are for old men and weirdos.

Haven't you even noticed that most crazy people, when seen on the street, have slippers on? If you can't be trusted with laces, what do they give you? Slippers, that's what.

I'm not going that route.

I think I'll just rest my toes on the baseboard heater - maybe that'll help.


It's better than slippers.




Later.

Shuffle Up And Deal.

Poker Night tonight.

I've been doing well lately, and I hope it continues.

Some weeks are weird - we can barely scrape a table of six together, and then other times I almost have ten or more people who want to play.

Feast or Famine, I tell ya.


Wish me luck.

If I bust out, my resolution is to do 1 extra mile on the treadmill Friday.

Cards, don't fail me now.



Later.

You Tube Failed Me.

Anytime I've needed a clip to make a point, YouTube was there.

Anytime I wanted to post something you'd all chuckle at, YouTube was there.

Anytime I wanted a clip of a guy getting whacked in the nuts or funny animals humping, YouTube was there.

But today it failed me.

I was looking for a clip from Delirious - about how it might be if a black man was President, (obvious Obama reference, even though Eddie meant Jesse Jackson at the time.)and what did YouTube have?

Nothing.

Sure, I could have had a clip of him singing "Hymietown", but that wouldn't have done me any good. I even went to some of those other video sites to see what they had, and there's nothing out there.

So instead of a relevant and witty post about Barack Obama, I leave you with one of my favorite clips from Delirious.

Eddie - you were great - before all the Dr. Doolittle's, Daddy Day Cares, and The Klumps, you were actually really funny.


Later.

Shuffle.

A while ago The Sidekick was talking about the playlist that gets him through a Monday morning.

I'm too lazy to list that out for you, so I did the next best thing:

I fired up iTunes, hit shuffle, and now I'm going to list the 10 songs that iTunes thinks I want to hear:

1. Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam
2. Come As You Are - Nirvana
3. Tears And Rain - James Blunt
4. Like Knives - City and Colour
5. Succexy - Metric
6. Foreign Language - Anberlin
7. Where Eagles Have Been - Wolfmother
8. Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
9. Fly - The Tragically Hip
10. Still Remains - Stone Temple Pilots.

You now what? That probably would get me through a Monday morning.

Too bad tomorrow's Wednesday.



Later.

9:42

I hit a personal best today.

I did my cardio workout this morning, and was disappointed cause some old fucker was taking a walk on the treadmill - I didn't have much time, so I just did a set on the elliptical and called it a day.

On lunch break, I finished my circuit on the weights with about fifteen minutes left before I have to hit the showers - I could either do another circuit, or - and I checked - hit the treadmill.

The treadmill won out.

I decided since I didn't have a lot of time, I was just going to crank it up and see how much I could take before my lungs and legs gave out. I set the timer for 10 minutes and started running.

I only took a breather (quick walk ) for 30 seconds - I kept upping the speed as fast as I could take it.

In the end?

I ran one mile in 9 minutes, 42 seconds.

I haven't done that in a long time.
Sure, I was a sack of jelly gasping for air at the end, but it was worth it.


That treadmill is my bitch.



Later.

F*ck You, Eli.

So the Giants won the Super Bowl.

I'm disappointed, to say the least, as I really wanted to see the Pats win it all, and finally shut up those geezers from the '72 Dolphins.

But it was not to be.

I only got to see the first half, (had to work) but from what I saw, the Giants were all over the Pats and they just couldn't get anything together. I won't say the better team won, but the team that preformed better today certainly deserved the win.

I'm glad that the Stanley Cup is decided over a 7-game stretch. If it was just a one game showdown I don't think I could handle it. I'd have an aneurysm halfway through the second period.

At least Tom Brady can grieve for his loss in the arms of whatever Supermodel he's currently banging - that bastard.



Later.

Unhappy.

When is the appropriate time to stop saying "Happy New Year."?

Three times at work today I witnessed people greeting each other this way. Different people each time, no obvious connections. (Didn't seem to be part of a cult...etc.)

I had to look at my watch to check - yep, it's February - so why the hell would you even say that as a form of greeting anymore? If it's January 2nd I can see using it, but over a month later? Just say "Hi!" and "Long time no see."

I felt like punching them and pointing at a calender.

Or maybe just pulling the calender of the wall and smacking them with it.

That would Unhappy things pretty quick, wouldn't it?



Later.

Smug Satisfaction.

At the Gym, I'm a pretty quiet guy.

I don't chat with anyone, I leave people alone, and I do my workout and leave. I might talk to the gym staff as I'm signing in and out, but I'm there to sweat, not to socialize.

With the contest going on, It's busy in there - most days the cardio machines are packed and you have to take what you can get. I see the same people in there almost every day. I know that some of them are in the program as well, but I don't make it a point to advertise that I'm the competition.

There's two guys that drive me nuts. They walk around and talk to almost everyone in the gym, especially if they are females. They circle the fat ladies on the treadmills like vultures looking for an after-carcass snack. I know they are in the contest because I heard them bugging one of the front counter girls about the weigh-in times. It's amazing that they accomplish anything at all because they stop their cardio workout about 15 times in 20 minutes to chat to the person next to them or make some inane comment to the staff who walk by. I just turn up my iPod and ignore them.

But today was a great day - both these shmucks were getting weighed in right before me. And although the results are confidential, they were chatting about how they did. Retard #1 was shocked that he'd only lost one pound, and retard #2 was frustrated that his wasn't much better. Both these guys fucked up their initial weigh-ins, so there first week numbers looked great - almost ten pounds each. (To bad it doesn't last.)

They realized that I was in the competition when they saw me head into the scale room after them. I got my results and went straight to my workout - I had to get it in before work . While I'm on the elliptical, retard #1 strolls by and asks me how my weigh-in went. I told him it went great and that I was down five pounds. He asked if that was my total so far and I said no, last week I lost six - so now I'm at eleven total. His only comment?

"Geez, I workout a lot harder than you and I only lost a pound."

Excuse me?
I ignored that comment.

Still, it was great to see the look of shock on his face when he realized that I'd lost more than him - it made my progress so far that much more satisfying.

But I'm going to bury that fucker on the scale next week.




Later.

Unposting.

I was going to post tonight.

Unfortunately, something got in the way, and I have no time to really say anything. (The something? A couple of kids who wouldn't go to sleep.)

Please accept this promissory note in lieu of an actual post.

If you cut it out of your monitor and present it to me at a later date, I will then ramble on about something for your pleasure.

I knew you'd understand.



Later.

If I Was Stoned...

This video would freak me out.
Seriously - I'd be wanting to run away, but not be able to stop looking.



Later.

The Plank.

Hey Fatty.

Wanna try something? I'll bet your fat ass can't do it.
It's easy - you don't even have to move.

Take the burrito out of your mouth and lay on the floor.
Yeah, that's right - lay down. On your stomach. (Don't worry, we're not doing the scene from Deliverance.)

Ready?

Put your hands together like your praying, and put your legs straight out like you're going to do a push-up. (No actual push-ups today, tons-o-fun - one torture at a time.)

Now lift your tubby gut off the floor and hold your body straight - like a board.

That's it. That's all you have to do.

Just hold it for one minute.
Just sixty seconds.

Feel the core of your body starting to shake?
Is gravity pulling that massive donut you call a waist to the floor?
Keep it straight now.

Back starting to cramp? Breathing heavy? Breaking a sweat? Remember, all you are doing is not moving.

Ten seconds more...

...And you're done.


Hardest fucking exercise I've ever done.


Later.

Badly Drawn Boy.

Everyday at work I have a routine:

When I go on coffee, I grab the newspaper and check out the two most important parts - the Horoscopes and the Funny Pages.

But the Funny Pages aren't so funny anymore.

There are still one or two comics that I regularly get a chuckle out of - the rest I tend to ignore. But there's one comic that just pisses me off. I can't stand it - every time I look at this comic, it makes me cringe. The art is horrible, the jokes are nonexistent and for some strange reason the author has decided to write about a dog for the last 6 months. (Get a better story line, man. I get it - dogs eat table scraps!)

How is it that I get more amusement out of Hagar the Horrible - a strip that's over 30 years old- than I do from something that should, by today's standards, not be so tired and boring?

It's one of those comics that makes me roll my eyes and assume that they'll let any chucklehead have a comic in the papers. All they have to do is keep it bland and uncomplicated. (And this comic is - it's about as uncomplicated as what's in my son's diapers.)

So maybe I should just shut the fuck up and not read it, right? - Wrong.
It's at the fucking top of the page - I have to at least glance at it , even in passing. That's when some horrible piece of art will draw me in, and then there's 30 seconds of my life I'm not getting back. This guy must be blowing the Comics Editor at the Province to get such a prime spot on the page.

So I'll suffer, until the Comics Editor comes to his senses or the writer stops sucking such good cock, and wait for something else to take it's place. Anything will be better than what's there.

Oh look - the dog shit on the carpet. How Original.


Later.

Roughage.

Everyone needs a bit of roughage in their diet.

I prefer celery.

Why celery, do you ask?

It's crispy (like bacon), crunchy, (like bacon) and is very good for you. (like I wish bacon was) I eat celery for a snack almost every day. ( like I used to eat bacon)

The best part is that eating celery helps curb my cravings for other things (like bacon) that wouldn't be good for me. Once I've wolfed down a couple of sticks, (instead of bacon) then I'm good to go, and ready to start my (bacon-free) day.

I haven't even thought of fatty foods (like bacon) in a week. It's been great.

Celery Rules!



Later.


(Bacon)

Normal Guy 2.0

I hope this reaches up to volume 19.

If you look quickly, you might see the Sidekick - he's wearing his Habs jersey.



Later.

Forty-Eight Dollars An Hour.

Right after I got home from work tonight, my neighbor calls: he's having a Poker game. He's one person short, and asks if I'd like to come over for a bit.

I debate for all of .0035 seconds and say yes.

I grab my buy-in money and run over.

It's a smaller game than the one we normally have - less people at the table, and the blinds aren't as big. I usually enjoy it - and tonight was no exception.

I must have picked the right seat, because the cards I got were red hot right away. I only lost one big hand, and made that back almost immediately. Full houses, top pair, and two pair were my best friends for the duration. I played sensibly, and wasn't in every hand, but the card Gods were nice to me.

I was over there for an hour and a half and cashed out $64 richer.

Not a bad night indeed.

Now if I could just make that wage at my real job.....



Later.

Ignored By The Academy.

I've had a dream.

Ever since I was an itty-bitty blogger, I've had a dream to be featured as a "Blog of Note" - the cream of Blogger's crop, so to speak.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I figured with persistence and patience, I'd be rewarded for my consistency.

Nope.

You see, my blog is a combination personal/observance blog. I comment on what I think and the meanderings of my everyday life. To be a Blog of Note, you have to have pictures of your dog or ramble about how horses can teach us about ourselves. That, combined with a blog where an artist is striving to draw every mammal in existence, makes me think that my blog just isn't "furry" enough for the powers-that-be.

I just can't do that.

I can't get that excited about my fish.
They are cute and everything, but c'mon.. I can't devote that kind of obsession to something that swims around in it's own shit.


Oh well, that's why they're called dreams, right?


Later.

Even Smarter.

As a fan of the Get Smart! television show - I'd really like to see this movie.

I'd totally forgotten it was coming out, and then stumbled across the trailer tonight. As long as it stays somewhat faithful to the spirit of the show, I think I'll be great. But if the same guy who wrote Even Almighty is on it - we'd better watch out.

As long as I hear "Missed it by that much.", I'll be content.


Later.

Expectations Fulfilled.

First of all I'd like to say that both The Sidekick and I, after seeing Cloverfield, stated that we were going to blog about it. I was even magnanimous enough to say that if he wrote about it first, I wouldn't.

Well, guess who hasn't updated.
That being said.....

I really enjoyed this movie.

The best way to sum it up? If Godzilla fucked the Blair Witch, the resulting spawn would be Cloverfield.

The pacing and feel of the story were great - I was so caught up at times that I had to consciously tell myself to relax. It wasn't anything scary or frightening about it - the movie just sweeps you up and speeds off. There are very little down points - something is always happening.

I heard that some people didn't like the shaky-cam effect - they found it nauseating. It didn't bother me in the least. Must be all those hours watching shaky camera stuff on YouTube. Either that or the hours and hours of homemade Epileptic Porn that I have. Whatever - the effects didn't bug me.

As for the ending? There were people behind us who didn't like it. I didn't think it was that they hated the ending - I think they didn't understand it. For me, I thought it was done really well, and fit perfectly with the tone of the movie.

I would even consider seeing it again - and I don't say that about movies very often.

Now where's my Handycam?



Later.

Giant Fucking Monster

Tonight's the night that me and The Sidekick finally go see Cloverfield.

I've purposefully stayed away from anything and everyone that might have any impact on my enjoyment of the movie.

I don't think I'll be disappointed.

It's a Giant Fucking Monster - how can I be disappointed?


Later.

This Goat Weighs Thirty Pounds.

When I first started growing the goatee, it was just to see if I could do it - my work allows it, and I hadn't done anything like that in five years. I thought I'd grow it for two weeks and then I'd shave it off.

The day I was going to get rid of it, I also stepped on a scale. That was a morbid surprise. It was at that moment I made a promise to myself. The goat was going to stay until I lose 30 pounds - no matter what.

I'll admit, having the goat is annoying. It doesn't match the color of my hair, it's full of gray, and all the trimming and shit to keep it looking respectable is maddening.

But it's still here.

However, it should be gone soon.

The gym across the street from where I work is Having a "Biggest Loser" contest, with 1st place being a year membership and various spa and training packages. Because we are a neighborhood business, I swindled a deal and got anyone from my workplace in cheap. It's a three month time period, and just being back at the gym again is great.

I'm going to kick some ass.

I got weighed in Wednesday, and have been hitting the gym about once a day since then. That, combined with a healthier diet, has me down about 10 pounds as of this morning. I should still be in the 10-pound range at the weekly weigh in.

I'm thinking I'm going to get a fresh pack of razors - just to have them ready.



Later.

A Pirate's Dignity.

A Calgary man was busted for video piracy when he was caught with a recording device in a theater.

If you're like me, the first thing you thought was "What movie was he busted at?". (He was caught while recording Sweeny Todd)

I'm waiting patiently for the guy who gets apprehended while trying to record The Land Before Time 28 - Aren't These Fucking Dinos Dead Yet?. It's bad enough that they are going to get caught and prosecuted, but to be taken in while trying to smuggle that type of shlock? Inconceivable.

I can see the trial:

"Your Honor, the suspect was noticed by police for his suspicious behavior."
"Which was..?"
"He was a lone 20-year old man sitting by himself at a kids movie, sir."
"I see..."
"Originally we thought he was a pedophile, but it turned out he was just recording the movie."
"You're sure he's not a pedophile?"
"Yes, sir. It was The Land Before Time - so we just think he's retarded."

It should be priceless.



Later.

Hyperhidrosis

One thing about getting back to the gym:

I'd forgotten how much I sweat.

Maybe they've got the heat on in there, but I swear I could fill a bucket (okay, maybe just a small glass) after I get off the treadmill. Don't worry, sanitary freaks - I wipe thier equipment down afterwards. (I even wipe my equipment down, too - wink, wink. ..Eww.)

Thank God I drink lots of water - if that's what I'm losing, I'd better put more back in. I could not drink any water, but then I'd be a dried out husk, and that's not good. (Is it bad at the gym to have a Venti White Chocolate Mocha instead of a water bottle?)

At least the sweat makes it look like I'm working really hard.

(I am, but now it looks like I am - and perception is important.)


Later.

Cable Conundrum.

I'm in crisis right now.

I'm not very satisfied with my cable company's performance.

They've been going through some "growing pains" and the quality of programming hasn't been what I expected. As well, there have been a couple of things that have pissed me off lately:

1. Lack of "On Demand" or Pay-Per-View programming - When I signed up 7 months ago, they were just getting rid of their pay channels and were going to be going to "on demand" channels. This was pointed out to me at the time and I was told the change would happen within a month. (It hasn't) I'm not a big pay-per-view guy, but I feel the lack of follow through is indicative of bad things to come.
   
2. HD content - What they have is passable, but it seems to me that those who have satellite or are with another provider are getting more for the same rate that I pay.
3. Price increase - They just did a price increase this month, so now I'm really questioning if I'm getting the most bang for my buck.

So with all of the above going on, I'm starting to look elsewhere. Sad thing is, my local cable company is the only cable provider - I'll have to go to satellite if I want to change. Have you tried to read a satellite programming/pricing guide? I'd have better luck if I laid the sheet on the floor and used the Staff of Ra to pick something out.

Right now, I'll just go with the flow and do some more research. With any luck, things will improve or else I'll end up finding the deal of the century. Either way, it should work out.

If it doesn't?

Well, I do have all these DVD's to watch.

Princess Bride, anyone?




Later.

Cannabis Poriferans

It's too bad I don't smoke pot anymore.

'Cause Spongebob Squarepants would be even better stoned.

I've never really watched it before - I've been aware of it, but never paid attention when it was on. I just dismissed it as a kiddie cartoon.

This show is fucking crazy.

It's retarded as well - which only adds to my theory that some home-grown pharmaceuticals would only enhance it's enjoyment.

I think there's a marathon on YTV right now.

Has anyone seen my rolling papers?




Later.

Bladder Like A Little Girl.

Lately, in the interests of health, I've taken to drinking more water.

All the experts recommend about 8-10 glasses a day, depending on your level of exertion. I figured that 8 glasses doesn't sound like much, and would be easy to do.

I was right.

What I didn't figure on was the amount of times I'd have to piss in a day. It's almost like being at the bar - once you break that seal, you're in and out of the bathroom all night. (Or day, as in my case.) Does coffee shrink your bladder? 'Cause it's the only thing I've done over the years that could have had an adverse affect, I think. There's no other reason for it.

In my mind right now, my bladder is approximately the size of a small walnut.

Try fitting 8 glasses of water into one of those.

Go on, I dare ya.


If anyone needs me, I'll be in the can - again.
(I've just about cut through a urinal cake with my lightsaber of pee.)



Later.

Pondering.

If bad drivers can sue their insurance companies when they get into accidents,

&

If smokers can sue the cigarette manufacturers after they get emphysema,

&

If you can sue the bar when you get hit by a drunk driver,


Does that mean I can sue the Porn companies if I ever develop carpal tunnel syndrome?


I'm just wondering, is all.

Just wondering....



Later.

Long Road to Ruin.

Musicians, Artists, Actors - Is there anything Dave Grohl and friends can't do?


I didn't think so.


Love the video - great as always.



Later.

Shed A Tear.

One of the kids at work put his resignation in tonight.

When some of the other staff found out, they asked me if I was sad that he was leaving, and seemed shocked that I said I wasn't.

It's not like I worked with the kid for years - he'd been around about 6 months - and since he was only part-time I maybe worked with him once a week. It's not like we formed a tight relationship. He was alright personality wise, but he was lazy as fuck and I had to keep following up on him to make sure he was doing his job.

So I wasn't sad to see him leave.

Doesn't mean I'm a heartless bastard.

There are people that I do miss working with - but those were people that I worked with for a long time or had a special connection with. Those are the ones that you think back to when you wonder where all the good ones went.

Some scrub kid? Won't miss him a bit.

I don't fool myself, either. I know that if and when I ever leave my job, there are going to be those who are sad to see me go and those who can't wait for me to leave. I won't be bothered by that at all.

Now someone find me a tissue - I'm getting all emotional over here.




Later.

Reality Bites.

There's one thing that amazes me about video games today.

They all look so good.

Back in the day - when I was but a young boy, pure and innocent - I was happy with four roaming pixels on my parents television.(May I add that said television screen was 17 inches across and housed in a 32 foot long box made to look like part of the decor?) That's right - feel my pain.

I still recall the moment I first saw my friend playing Donkey Kong on his Colecovison, I thought that the picture was great - way better than my shitty Atari 2600.

My kids would look at that today and ask me if the TV was broken.

What's going to happen in the future? Am I going to be playing Assassin's Creed in fifteen years and have my grandchildren tell me that they can't stand to look at that clunky garbage on my tiny 42 inch screen? (That game looks fucking amazing, by the way.) I'll be the old man who's totally retro because he plays with a controller instead of his mind.

I'll say it now, even though it's too early: Fuckin' punks.

I've got to get back to my game now, but I need some Visine - my eyes are dry from going so long without blinking.



Later.

Hell Is A Parking Lot.

No matter where I went today, parking was a bitch.

I know that part of it is because of the weather, but I also know that the other part is that people are fucking retarded.

And when it's raining like this I'm lucky if I find a spot even remotely close to the door - so I don't even try. I park a bit away and walk. (Even with the kids, this is sometimes the easiest solution.)

My issue today was that wherever I parked, some shmuck would park right next to me (driver's side of course) and leave me with less than a foot to open my door.

Forget trying to wedge my ample frame through the gap - do you have any idea how difficult it is to put a kid in a car seat when you have only enough room to fit the kid and your arms into the opening? I felt like Homer Simpson handling uranium rods.

Why would some ass park next to me like that? There were at least two or three other empty spaces on either side of me. If it was only once, I'd think it was just one asshole, but since it was three times I'm staring to think it's an epidemic.

Maybe my car looks hotter than all the other cars on the lot, and people think we can huddle for warmth - or maybe they just like pissing me off. I think it's probably the fact that they are idiots , and aren't paying attention to anything other than themselves.

The last answer is more than likely the correct one.

Next time I'll be a gentleman, and just politely let the air out of their tires.


That'll show them.



Later.

Minimal R.E.M.

I learned something very useful today:

I can't function on 4 hours of sleep.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I wasn't able to rest until the wee hours of the morning. (Many thanks to The Sidekick and Felicia Hardy - they were a big help.) I had to work early today, which meant that I got approximately 4 hours of sleep before having to get up and go.

I wasn't a pretty sight.

Coffee didn't have any effect - nothing did.

My demeanor was surly and my outlook dour. I was moving at about half speed, which means I was one step above reverse. Nothing seemed to go my way. It was not a good time.

I plowed through my day, and can finally rest. It's going to be an early night, I can tell you that.

I believe I hear my pillow calling, so I bid you all adieu.


Later.

Sidekick's Choice.

It's Movie Night.

The female of the house has been sent away with The Sidekick's significant other and the two of us are going to watch some cinema.

(After the kids are put to bed, of course. I don't count Over the Hedge as cinema.)

I'm not sure what were going to watch, as I let The Sidekick make the choice. It's all up to him - and he better not disappoint. I'm not going to waste two hours of my life on Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas - I'd like to watch something good. (He's going to hate me for saying that.)


I'm sure he'll do okay - and if it's not.... well I always have my selection to choose from.

That'll teach him. (Princess Bride, anyone?)



Later.

Earnest Caffeine.

I'm in heaven.

There's finally a decent coffee shop in my area of town.

And it's right beside my place of employment.

I no longer have to drive 20 minutes out of my way to get a decent cup of coffee anymore. The front door to paradise is located about 30 feet from where I start my workday.

For lunch I had a muffin and sipped my Mocha while reading The National Post.

I could have died happy.


The Sidekick says I shouldn't be so jubilant - it's not a Starbucks.
But I'll take what I can get on the outskirts of town.

And I'll take it with a muffin in the seat by the window - thankyouverymuch.



Later.

Galactic Empire

So I got home from coffee tonight and The Wife is playing Super Mario Galaxy. I bought her the game for Christmas, but completely forgot about it once I got the 360.

It looks like a fucking cool game.

It's totally in tune with the Wii controls, and playing it makes you look like your having an epileptic fit, albeit an enjoyable one. It's the best looking Mario game I've ever seen.

Now if I can pry the controls from her hands - maybe she'll let me play it.


Later.

Waterworld.

Rain.

I can handle rain.

Little sprinkles of water, falling from the sky, forming puddles my kids can jump in and splash about. It's fun to watch them play and just enjoy the moment. That crisp smell of clean after the rain has passed is wonderful.

(Sigh)

What I can't handle is a torrential downpour that howls across the landscape, creating lakes where there once was dry asphalt. My kids don't get a chance to puddle-jump as the force of the wind would bowl them over. The puddles look like they have whitecaps. The only smell is wet skin and dampness - not pleasant at all.

To sum it up, going downtown to accomplish the five things I had to do today was frustrating and exhausting. The kids handled it well, considering that they were water logged for the most part.

When we got home, I checked them for gills.

Just to make sure.




Later.

All Fired Up.

If there's one thing I can't abide in this world it's the kid-gloves way that we handle drug addiction.

I'm of the mindset that drugs are a choice. You made the choice, you have to live with the consequences.

If you are of my generation, or maybe even a bit older, you've had ample exposure to how bad drugs are. I'm not talking about a bit of hash or maybe some pot - I'm talking about crack, coke, crystal meth, and heroin. It's widely known and accepted how addictive and damaging they are. The effects are immediate (unlike cigarettes, which take ages before you see negative health benefits) and well documented.

With that in mind, I feel that any idiot who decides that tonight's the night they're going to fire up the pipe/ hit the needle/ smoke the rock is to be treated like any other disobedient child. Spank them, take the bad stuff away, and teach them not to do it again. They've demonstrated their incompetence just by doing the stuff - what's the point in coddling them?

When I saw the headline in today's paper I was incensed. I see what they are trying to do - halt the spread of Hep C due to people sharing pipes - but I think they are going about it all wrong. There has to be another way.

What's next? Free ice-cold mugs for alcoholics? Free cars for drunk drivers? Why not just hand out guns? You're not giving them the stuff that kills, just the vessel to distribute it , right?

I believe that our government enables addicts. We offer them safe injection sights and free supplies. Why can't that apply to everyone? Do sex addicts get free, government supplied copies of Hustler? Do kleptomaniacs get access to stores after hours? It's not their fault they have a problem, They're addicted.

I'm addicted to Poker - I made a choice to play. Does that mean the government is going to supply me with chips and a table? Where does it end?

I hope that eventually we get someone in charge who says enough is enough - you made your bed, now lie in it.

"Hey crackie, don't want to get Hep C? Don't share your pipe. Lost your pipe? Well, I guess you can't smoke crack anymore, isn't that a shame?"



Later.

These Boots Are Made For...

As a parent, I'm a little bit lost at times.

My kids sometimes do things that amaze and confound me.

Right now, it's the later.

My youngest is currently infatuated with his SpiderMan rubber boots. He wants to wear them all the time. In bed, at the table, inside, outside - it doesn't matter. He'd wear them for weeks if we'd let him. (We don't let him wear them to bed or the table, I am a hard ass, if you recall.)

But it's one of those things I just don't understand. It's just a pair of boots - he's got toys galore and all the time in the world, so why keep focusing on the boots?

Please God, don't let him be a cobbler.

I know he'll grow out of it soon, and hey -it could be worse, right?

It could be heels.




Later.

Searching For 2008.

So it's the start of another year.

I failed on 96.2% of my last year's resolutions, so I'm not even going to bother thinking up this years. (Yet.)

I'll try to be a better person, I guess, and leave the rest up to chance.

Yeah, that sounds general enough.




Later.