"A Good Name Is Better Than Precious Ointment".

That quote's from the Bible, yo.
The Wife and I are somewhat at a deadlock on what to name the soon-to-be-born youngling.
We think it's going to be a girl, and have a great name already picked out. It's the boy name we are having trouble with. Everything she picks, I hate, and vice versa. I loathe looking at the name sites on the internet, as it seems to cause a small hemorrhage in my brain from sheer overload.

I need suggestions.

You have to keep in mind that, in my obsessive-compulsive way, I'll analyse all variations of suggested names for nicknames, put-downs, whatever. I'm funny that way. But still, all suggestions are welcome.

Help me Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.

The End Of An Era

You know, the thing I like best about blogging every day is that it gives me a slightly different outlook on things. Some days I can't think of anything to write about, and other days I come across stuff and think, "I can't wait to put this into the blog." The thing that helped me the most is writing on my lunch hour.
You see, all these rants and shit are done when I'm at home for lunch. I have the house to myself, 'cause the Boy is at the sitters and the Wife is at work. I have the house to myself, can play what music I want, and write without anyone looking over my shoulder.

All that is going to end.

The Wife starts her Maternity leave tomorrow. (Yes, I will have spawned another by the end of December.) That means that when I come home for lunch, I'm not going to have time for myself. I 'll have to be sociable and do the family thing. (Not that I don't like doing the family thing, but this is messing with my routine, and I'm a very routine type of guy.) Another problem is that the Wife doesn't know about the blog. She might be pissed that I share some of my thoughts and feelings with the anonymous masses on teh Internet, and not pour my heart out to her. Who knows? I'm going to tell her about it, just because I want to keep doing it.

So I may not be as frequent between updates, but I will try. I'll just have to change my routine. I won't be like some guys (ahem...Joe) who rarely update, but bear with me and I hope to be doing this for a long time to come.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I'm pretty sure that, per capita, B.C. has the shittiest drivers in Canada.
I'm doubly sure that C.R. has the worst drivers in B.C.
The sense of rage I felt today just driving to work was overwhelming. There was a multitude of infractions, ranging from cutting people off to running red lights. Different cars, different people, one town, all retards.
I understand that for some people, driving is stressful.
I understand that morning rush hour, (what little the hometown has,) is a difficult time to be on the road.
But if you can't obey the simple rules of the road, at least obey the rules of common courtesy and common sense.
(I don't know why we call it "common" courtesy, it's not that common anymore.)
Please pull your head out of your ass, put the cell phone down, both hands on the wheel and drive like you know what the fuck you are doing.
It's days like this that make me feel sympathetic to those poor souls convicted of road rage.
I know that some of them are assholes, but I think most of them are just regular people who have been pushed to the limit by the incompetence of other drivers.
I'd list the numerous things that pissed me off today, but I don't have that much time, and I think that the blogger server would crash due to the pure, vicious hatred I would be putting on the page.
What will make this more shocking to some of you is that all this anger came from just a 12 minute drive, including the stop at Tim Hortons, which is the only thing that calmed me down.

12 minutes.

Thank God most days I walk to work.

Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!

Do you believe in Horoscopes?
Do you check out the newspaper every day, get it in your e-mail, or look it up online?
I'm part of the first group of people. Fan of the newspaper horoscope. I'm not a huge believer, but sometimes it's nice to see something out there that is completely random.
Why do I say it's random?
Because if it wasn't, every newspaper, website and crystal ball would say the same thing for one person every day, no matter where you looked it up. You can have a newspaper article say that it's going to be the best day of your life, and then another one says "Don't go outside." Now unless you stay inside and have an orgy with some supermodels, one of these horoscopes is wrong. Whose fault is it? Who do we blame? What if the person who has been publishing your horoscope is a complete ass? What then?
It's the reason why psychics never win the lottery. Because when it comes down to it, we are on a ball of mud, spinning through the cosmos, without rhyme or reason, under no control whatsoever.
If you can predict what kind of day I'm going to have, you can pick the lotto numbers, or the stock market, or start betting on the ponies or sporting events. Do the gods not let you use your gift for profit? Give half to charity. How come you never hear of an operator on the psychic friends network hitting it big? Did they not look in to their future and see that they'll be on the phone all day?
Whatever it is that's out there, be it God, gods, aliens or who knows what, they have little or no influence on what's happening in my life, and if they did, you know they aint telling some schmuck so he can publish it in time for the morning edition.

Nerditude

What's your level of nerdiness?
With the amount of technology nowadays, I think that each individual has a small percentage of nerd floating around in the mix.
Some are movie nerds, music nerds, computer nerds, gaming nerds; whatever. It's not like the old days when the nerds were just the book readers, math geeks, and D&D crowd, and the Jocks were the Jocks. Now most of the Jocks have computers and game consoles and play sports games on those, they use their computers to run hockey pools and of course, porn. So the old definitions just don't work anymore. In modern times, everyone is a nerd, it's just the Level of nerdiness that changes.
So where are you at?
Lets see:

• I have a blog
• I post pretty often
• Play X Box, mostly sports, but some Star Wars games
• Have a computer
• Addicted to said computer.
• Read lots of books, sci-fi, fantasy, whatever.
• Digs cartoons and comic books
• Can do minor computer hardware repairs, no software though.
• Have lots of DVDs; same genres as the books.
• Have played D&D, but that was in my youth, and not in the last 10 years.

I figure that puts me about the middle of the road. I'm nerd enough to hold my own for short periods of time with uber-nerds, yet still able to say " Boy, that guy is a nerd."

It's a sliding scale, and far from perfect, but where do you think you'd come in? Is it a valid argument? Am I full of shit?

Stay tuned for answers. ( Not Really.)

Eulogy For The Damned

How would you like your eulogy to go?
Have you ever thought about what's going to be said about you at your funeral?
Every once in a while, (not that often, so don't think I'm suicidal,) I wonder how my wake/ whatever will go. What type of music will they play, who is going to want to speak, who'll show up, and who will be so overcome with grief that they spend the whole event collapsed in a chair, unable to function.
Does this make me strange?
What would you like to see happen at your funeral?

I'd want something that people will remember.
Not shit like tumbling midgets or sad clowns crying, but just an event that will make people go "Holy crap, I never thought I'd see that at a funeral!"

Just Remembered

I won't be bloging much over the next couple of days.
My brother & family are going to be visiting and I'm going to be spending the Majority of time with them.
Don't worry, I'll be back.

Spying For The Other Side.

I've come to the realization that my son is a rat.
I don't mean that he looks like a rat, no whiskers, doesn't have buck teeth, really hates cheese actually. I mean rat like in "stoolie", "narc","snitch" and so on.
You see, he's just about three, and his biggest fascination is telling anyone who listens exactly what he did that day, who he saw, where he was; you get the picture.
Normally this isn't a bad thing, as I believe that he has great communication skills, and I appreciate that he likes to talk to people, he's just like his father in that sense.
The evil part is that he tells his mother anything we did when it's just me and him. If Daddy stops at the donut shop and gets a coffee? Mommy finds out. Daddy talking to a pretty girl at play-gym? Mommy knows about it. It's like packing around a video camera and just handing the tape to the Wife when I get home.
Do I have anything to hide? Not really. I'd never do anything bad in front of my son, it's just that one of these days I know he's going to say we were somewhere or did something, or saw someone and the Wife is going to explode.
And I know she'll believe him way before she believes me.
But I really like hanging out with the Boy, love it when we get to spend time together.
I guess I'll keep the little squealer around.

The Food Was....Excellent.

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and accidentally had one of the best meals of your life?
I've had it happen a few times, and usually it's not the places you would expect.
Not to be misunderstood, classy places have great food too, but you expect it from them.
It's the hole-in-the-wall places that surprise you.

• John's Place - In Victoria. This place is tucked away, no flashy signs, and if you blink, you'll walk by it. But they have the best waffles (with cream cheese syrup) that I have ever had.
• Panda Express - Kihei, Maui. Yes, it's a franchise store, but damn it if it didn't have some of the best Chinese food I've ever had. Usually you go to one of these places and get dry chow mien, rock hard sweet and sour pork, and some type of vegetable dish that looks like a monkey shit on a plate. Not here.
• Vendor Dog - Toronto. I know Joey's going to look at me strange, but that was the best Hot Dog ever, and the great thing was that when I burped three days later, I could still taste it.
• Ricky's - Campbell River. Ah yes, the old hometown. I just have to mention Ricky's for the Grand Forks Breakfast alone. Ask the Sidekick, he'll know what I'm going on about.
• The Mooseburger Cafe - Campbell River. Not only is it the juiciest burger ever, the ambiance (Titties, Titties, Titties) is spectacular. Been a long time since I've been there.
• Teddy's - Oshawa? Don't ask me the exact location, as that part of Canada is all crammed together, but everyone out there seems to know where it is. When we went there it didn't look like anything special, but the line up to get in and the food when we got in changed all that. I bug the Sidekick every time he goes back to the home office to bring back some of the salad dressing they make there. Fucker never remembers.

I like trying out new restaurants and places whenever I travel, and hopefully I come across some more like these. Not that my fat ass needs the calories.

Revamp The Holidays.

Well, Halloween is over.
In Canada, that means that all the Christmas shit will start to go up soon.
I like the fact that we have Thanksgiving when we do, because any excuse for turkey is great, however I envy the Americans for the fact that they have one more holiday before Christmas.
It would make it seem like Christmas is farther away, and that you can still enjoy the fall without having to worry about it and all the bullshit that goes with that holiday.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Xmas hater. I just think that the merchandising world gets so riled up about Christmas that the bullshit advertising and the incessant goodwill are a bit to much to handle.
It makes me more grumpy the closer I get to Christmas.
That's why Canada needs a new holiday. One that will tide us over until Christmas, brighten our day after the gloom of Remembrance Day, yet still be simple enough for everyone to enjoy.
Some of my suggestions:

• DVD Day - Get your loved ones the DVD they always wanted.
• Free Coffee Day - Buy a coffee for a random stranger, and have random strangers buy you coffee.
• Steak and a Blowjob Day. - Would be the greatest holiday ever.
• Sit on The Couch All Day Day - Good movies on TV, some snacks.... At least the fatties would go for it.
• Feel the Melons Day - If you see a chick with a nice rack, give 'em a squeeze.

If we had some of these holidays, I bet the suicide rate around Christmas would go way down.

Not only are we cheering ourselves up, but we are saving lives.

The Scariest Things ...

Seeming as it's Halloween today I thought I would tell you some of the things I consider scary.
In no particular order:

• Salem's Lot - The book. Not so much the movie. It was 2am on a really dark and windy night when I first finished reading that book. Stuff scratching against the window freaked the shit out of me.
• The Exorcist - The movie scared the crap out of me and I still have not touched pea soup.
• Fat Chicks in Spandex - I've mentioned this before, but I just can't say it enough. There ought to be a law, and I'm not talking the Law of Gravity.
• The George Bush White House - You know what I'm saying.
• Weapon's of Mass Destruction - We are all supposed to be scared of these right?
• Weapon's of Ass Destruction - I shouldn't even have to explain this.
• Joey's Driving - Mother fucker can't even change a CD without getting into an accident.
• Tim Horten's running out of coffee - It hasn't happened yet, and God willing, never will.
• The Dutch - Don't they scare everybody?
• A "+" sign on the Pregnancy Test - That scares the hell out of every man.
• No Internet Connection - Sad, really, but this actually DOES scare me.
• Quebec Separating From The Rest of Canada - O right, like they haven't pretty much already. If they could they would take the whole fucking province and move it. Not much of a loss, except then Newfoundland would be closer to the West. And that's what scares me.

That's all I can think of now, But I'd like to hear what the general public has to say.

Obsessive Compulsive...

Every once in a while I get slightly obsessive compulsive.
This morning I found it absolutely necessary to clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher, vacuum, and tidy up the DVD collection before I head to work.
I also made the Boy's breakfast, and got all his stuff ready to go to the sitter.
Then I thought about what I was doing and decided to blog about it.
Was going to wait until I went on my lunch.
Thought about it, decided I didn't have enough time to do it before I go to work.
Yet I feel compelled to sit here and type, right before I have to leave.
Is this just me, or is everyone like this?
This doesn't happen all the time, just every once in a while.
Strange.

Trash Tv.

Now let's get this straight from the start.
I don't watch Maury Povich. The wife does, and sometimes I'm forced to be in the room at the same time that this show ,(for lack of a better word,) is on.
Now the topic today seems to be a reoccurring one on Maury..."Who's My Baby's Daddy?"
It may seem like Maury would have to really do something special to find people willing to go on TV and put their child's paternity on the line, but it seems like they show up in droves.
The show goes something like this:

Maury: Why do you say this man is your baby's father?
Trashy Whore: Look at the eyes! Look at the lips! Of course that's his baby! He just bein' a no good dawg, an denin' his responsibility!
Slick Rick: That ain't my baby Maury. First of all that baby's black, and I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side.
Maury: But you are black.
Slick Rick: Why you gotta bring race into this Maury? Why be a hater?
Trashy Whore: Just admit it is your baby and give me money to go to the Sizzler!
Maury: And the results are in. In the case of 5 month old Shaniqua Jermanie Lateesha Jackson, You are ...

And then Maury reveals the child's paternity. Now one of two things seem to happen. Either the father jumps up, yelling that he was right and the mother is a dirty whore, while she cries in Maury's arms, or the mother jumps up and points in the face of the guy, demanding that he accept his responsibility and praising to everyone around that she was right in her quest for Paternal Justice.

Now the part that amazes me is there are women who have shown up on this show approx 6, 7, or 11 times! With the state of modern technology, especially ultrasounds, that can pretty much pinpoint the date of conception( plus or minus a few days), why would there be much confusion?Can you not remember who you slept with within that week? I can understand 1,2,or even 3 guys, but 11? That's almost two guys a day for the whole week! Did you forget about that gang bang you were in? Was it a present for the football team?

Unfortunately, 95% of the couples on the show are black. They do show the occasional white couple, but if I was a leader in the black community, I'd be asking Maury to lay off for a bit.
"Come on Maury, just skip a couple of shows, do some of the ones with the Fat Kids or Disabled People Overcoming Disabling Disabilities, first we have to deal with Kanye, and now this shit too!"

Jesus was a Bad-ass.

You know, I've always heard that "History is written by the victors."
It got me thinking.
What if Jesus wasn't really so great?
What if he was just a guy who did some nifty parlor tricks, scammed a few Jews, but in the end, had this great PR team that totally controlled the media of the times to view him in a sympathetic light?

"We'll tell the people he's there for them, that'll get them crying in Bethlehem."
" I got a better idea, lets say his dad is in charge of the Legions and he'll be pissed if they mess with him."
"Why don't we just say he's the son of God?"
"Sounds good to me, Ted. Let's run with that."
"I'll get it out on the early morning tablets."

I'm just saying until someone successfully time travels, we are never going to know what this guy was like. Imagine if you traveled 1000 years into the future and G.W. Bush was worshiped as the second coming of the Messiah?
What if the guys who wrote the Bible were the equivalent of Fox News?

I'm sure Jesus was a great guy. I would have loved to be around to meet him. But there must have been some bad days. Days when he got tired of all the apostles hanging around. Days where he was frustrated and inadvertently kicked a leper, only to have it hushed up by the liberal media. Maybe he did more than was reported with Mary Magdalene, and the PR guys just changed it to "washed her feet". Who knows? I wasn't there and neither were you, and the only account we have is a book that is partiality made up from fairly tales.

Those that have a problem with my views can click here or here.

So I Didn't Win The Lotto.

Back to whoring myself out for cheap thrills.

(Cheap ones being the only ones I can afford.)

Nothing Short Of World Domination.

Just heard (from Google News no less) that Google will possibly be opening up an E-Bay type of online marketplace. Am I excited? Meh. I don't think that Google will end up harming E-Bay in any way, I just want to see how they are going to pull it off.

I'm quite fascinated by Google. I love their search engine, (it's the only one I use) I use Gmail all the time and I have used Google Talk. I am amazed at how they go into an area that seems like everything that can be done has been done, and they come up with a new and exciting way to do it.

• Yahoo Search Engine? - We'll do it better, cleaner, faster and more relevant.
• MapQuest? - Screw that, it's all about GoogleMaps or Google Earth.
• Hotmail? - Yeah I use it, but it's my garbage mail, I use Gmail for important, relevant stuff.
• Cnn? - I just click on News on Google, which is my homepage.

I'm sure there's more and better explained reasons for why the things they do are heads and shoulders above the competition, but if it's technical stuff you want tot know about, ask Bish. I just know I like what I see.

Will I use the new Google marketplace? Probably not, as I'm not much into online shopping, but if and when I do, I'll give Google a shot. They haven't let me down yet.

If It Was Me, I'd Be Pissed.

Just had a thought: If I was Bill Watterson, the creator of "Calvin & Hobbes", I would be totally furious that there are a bunch of rednecks driving around with a picture of my creation pissing on stuff.
That has to drive him nuts. I mean here you are, the creator of a beloved icon in the comic strip world, your driving behind some guy's Ford and see Calvin on his back window pissing all over the Chevy Symbol. Would you stop the guy? Get out of your car and demand he remove this material? It's an obvious violation of copyright laws. I think I'd try to hunt down the creator of those and sue his ass off.

What is it in the mentality that screams " This is cool!"? Why not just get some paint and write FORD SUX across your back bumper? And why is it always car company or the like? You don't see someone with a house full of Ikea stuff waving signs that say "PIER ONE BITES!!!."
I'm all for stating your opinion, but do it in a more tasteful way.

I hope Bill sees this blog.
I hope he contacts me and says he likes the way I think.
I hope he sends me a present for my outspoken ways.
That is all.

Lotto Fever

The Lotto 6/49 Jackpot is now approx $40 Million Dollars.

Last week, when it was a mere $30 Million, it set off a ticket frenzy all across Canada. I'll admit, I bought my ticket, and I'll do so again. I won't do anything stupid like go over what I usually spend on the lottery, or not eat for a week just so I can get tickets. But it is nice to play that game in your imagination. "What if I won?" How would you spend the money?

If I won the entire fortune, I would probably give some to charity, just to rub it into the faces of the A&W workers from Mission, B.C. The rest? Who knows? Family will of course be taken care of, as well as others who are important to you, but having that much money would scare me. Sure, for the first time you are fiscally responsible to nobody, but the temptation to spend, spend, spend would be a bit much. You hear so many horror stories about Lotto winners who have had their lives ruined because of the windfall they've received.

I like to think I would be level-headed with it. Weather or not that would happen, I don't know. I have always said that I would like to win just enough to be debt free, (No mortgage, car payment, etcetera.) I don't mind working, I would like it so my wife doesn't have to, and I'd like a bigger chunk of my paycheck going towards retirement or the kids collage fund.
But we'll see how it all turns out.

If I win big, I'll start the "Bling Bling Blog".

Cinema Veritas

I made a post a while ago about how music is tied to memories of the past.
I was thinking today about movies. What are some of your earliest or fondest memories of movies from when you were younger? Why are they stuck in your memory? I'll say that Star Wars is a given, due to the overwhelming popularity it has in my generation, but I'll give an example of some others.

1. Firefox : I remember this movie just because it was one of the coolest things a 10 year old could see at the time. Clint-mother-fuckin-Eastwood fightin' the Russkies? A jet controlled by your thoughts? Sheer Awesome. Did not hold up to repeated viewings.
2. Fletch: This was a funny movie at the time, but the main reason I remember this one is because my brother and I were the only ones in the theatre, and they had to play it for us. We checked out all the different viewing angles from all the seats. I'm amazed the usher didn't tell us to just go home.
3. The Dark Crystal: Freaky fucking Muppets. Some parts of this movie scared the shit out of me. Doesn't anymore though, I'm a manly man now.
4. Corvette Summer: 'Cause when I first saw it, I was wondering why the hell Luke Skywalker was driving a car. ( I was only six, I hadn't really realized that actors played different roles.)
5. Halloween 3: The only reason I'm even mentioning this piece of shit is because it was one of the first movies I ever watched at a Drive-In.
6. The Muppet Movie: Because at the time, this was a huge event. My brother and I came out of this movie so high on endorphins, only to be slightly traumatized moments later when my Dad got into a car accident on the way home. ("Kid on bike off the windshield for $200 Alex")
7. Raiders of the Lost Ark: Next to the obvious cool reasons for it being such a great movie, I really loved that the lead character was not only Han Solo, ( I learned my lesson from Corvette Summer) but this was the movie that made Archeology cool. (That was my dream in 1981, to be an archaeologist.) I didn't realize that whips were used for anything but archaeology until I saw porn.
8. Zapped!: First time I recall seeing boobs in a movie. I could be wrong and it could be Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but they were both in the same year, so what. Now I think most movies are shit unless there are boobs in them. Sad, really.
9. The Secret of Nimh: Just because it was a really cool animated movie that was the most un-disney like thing I had seen at the time.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. If I really gave it some thought, then I could probably find more. I went with the movies from my child hood, Because if we went with movies that made me go "Holy Shit" , or whatever, that would be a whole other entry.....

Tell me what you remember about the movies of your younger years.

Stack 'O Quarters

I'm going to tell you about a place that doesn't seem to exist in this time anymore.
When I was a kid, this place was full of sights, sounds, lights and people of all different shapes and sizes.
It was the Video Arcade.
Nowadays you don't see many of them around, at least not in the parts of the world I have travelled in. Oh sure, you see the odd couple of games stuck in the corner of the mall, put there to hopefully soak up some change from a kid while Mommy's trying on slacks at the Gap. But the old-school, dimly lit, smokey haven of childhood glory it ain't.
I used to love going to the arcade. The music was always blaring from the jukebox, (It was a CD jukebox, I'm not that old.) and there was usually some new game that everyone was going on about.
I remember the first time I ever saw Super Mario Brothers. I was a big Excitebike fan and it was always on the far side of one of those sit-down style arcade games with a different game on each side. I can't remember what game was there the week before, but today it seemed like half of the arcade was crowded around the other side. I quickly took a look over some body's shoulder and all I could see was this massive stack of quarters lined on top of the machine. As I got a chance to look at the game itself, all I could see was this guy pounding on coin boxes and jumping on mushroom-headed guys. I was amazed. I don't know if it was the story or the setting or whatever, but that game just drew people together. I was there when the first guy in my town found a Warp Zone, and holy shit, it was big news. half the arcade stopped what they were doing just to check it out.

And an arcade was like a community. It had it's high traffic areas, it's low income areas, the games nobody could get onto, and the derelict games nobody wanted to play. There were the movers and shakers, (the Change Guy was king) the bad-asses, and pretty much the rest of us, but when it came to games, we were all equal. You'd see a nerdy guy beating a jock at Karate Champ, two girls squabbling over who was better at Bubble Bobble, and me with my hands glued to that funky control stick on Star Wars. ( Every time I heard "I've lost Artoo!" my gut would constrict and my testicles would run for cover.) There were the people who would only play pinball or Foosball, and those who thought Gridiron Fight was the best because it used a trackball. But everybody acknowledged greatness when they saw it, and to have your name as the high score on any game, be it Joust to Defender to Dragon's Lair was quite the honor. Of course there were the seedy sides to every community, just like there is in today's society. You'd have the kids who had no money try and bum quarters off you, the cheat who would unplug a game just so he could have his name as the high score, and the guys who brought in ringers to play Foosball, just because "loser pays". But those points were few and far between.

What caused the death of the classic arcade? Was it home systems? Was it the rising price to play the games? (I thought paying 50 cents for Dragon's Lair was such a fucking rip, no matter how cool the game looked.) Was the profit margin that tight that the owners of the arcades just didn't find it feasible any more? Or was it a great government conspiracy to force people away from like-mined groups of other free thinking radicals, and into their homes where it is easier to force feed them drivel, cutting them off from the herd, so to speak?

Probably the home systems, just for the simple fact of not having to wait for the other guy to finish his turn. How selfish is that? The death of a community because we don't like to share.
I'll miss the arcade of old. I don't think I can recapture the feeling now. But there was a time when, for a moment, that pocket full of quarters was my key to new and exciting worlds, anything was possible, and having twitchy fingers was a blessing in disguise.