Hard Times.

It's tough to be an Avalanche fan right now.

This team is usually well on the winning side of .500 at this time of the year, and well on their way to securing a solid playoff berth.

But due to inconsistent goaltending and periodic injury, it's been a rough year for my Avs. I'm starting to think they won't make the playoffs. I still think that they can do it, but I do have my doubts.

I just finished watching them lose to the Canucks. Being an Avs fan in B.C. is like being a leper in a nudist colony. I don't mind them losing so much, but does it have to be to Vancouver? I took enough heat from the rabble around here over the Steve Moore incident, do I have to get it this year?

People love to see the mighty fall, and I've found out that they like to kick you when you are down as well.

But revenge will be sweet, I tell you. The Avs are going to pull their shit together down the stretch, Theo's going to be a wall in between the pipes, and come playoff time heads are going to roll.

You just wait and see...


But I'm not putting money on it.

Later.

Return Policy

I sometimes think that dealing with the public is to much for me. The human race as a whole is getting more insipid and ignorant, and I'm starting to lose my sunny outlook and positive demeanor.

Take tonight for instance. I have a customer come in tonight to return a product. No problem right? A customer service specialist's dream.

• The product was not in any packaging - original or otherwise.
• He didn't have a receipt, till tape, debit slip, nothing.
• He didn't have anything identifying the product as being bought from us.
• He was also rude from the start.

I politely inform him that without any proof of purchase or even any packaging, there is nothing that I can do for him.

He then proceeds to tell me that it's bullshit that he drove all the way here and that I won't do anything for him. I told him it's not that I won't do anything, it's that I can't do anything. I would love to help him if he had any proof of purchase, anything at all. Heck - if he would have shown me that he had spent any money at the place I would have helped him. But to just hand out stuff without anything to show my bosses is against company policy.

He then stormed off in a huff.

I don't think I was unreasonable, and trust me, I am way more polite in person than the above testimony sounds. I was following company policy. Name one retailer that you can go to without a receipt or even a package that'll give you your money back. I can't think of any. It just doesn't happen that way.

But people who refuse to see the other side of that issue are what frustrate me. The guy tries to make me feel like an ass just for doing my job. Listen buddy, if you would have stopped and thought for thirty seconds before you got into your car, we would be having a much nicer conversation.

It's not my fault you are retarded. Blame God for that.

Next, please. (Big Fake Smile™)

Later.

The Show Still Goes On...

I'm tired of Anna Nicole.

I feel bad that she passed away, and the tragic circumstances of her death and what she has left behind is saddening.

But enough already.

We (the General Public) don't need to know every single detail or every single moment. What is going on with her body? Let me know when they bury her. The paternity scandal in regards to her new baby? Put out a blurb in the paper when it's all said and done.

I don't need to see this shit, or have to sit through it to see some real news. (I'm looking at you CNN.) I get home tonight and flip the news on to see what is happening in the world, and CNN has some guy on explaining how they are going to embalm Anna's body. Why do we as a people need to know this?

I'm sure that James Brown's will, estate and history were just as fucked up as Anna Nicole's. It wasn't all over the news on a 24-hour basis, though. I theorize that there are a few different reasons for this:

• James Brown didn't have 38"DD tits.

Okay, I only came up with the one.

But the world as we know it loves a train wreck, and from what I glimpse while trying to find real news, this one is a doozy. The media is going to drag this one out for a long time.

Wake me when it's over.

Later.

Needs More Riboflavin.

I've been trying to (somewhat) watch what I put into my body lately. I've been avoiding the more refined and processed foods and trying to watch the sugars and stuff that I ingest.

(Don't even talk to me about Donuts. They are a once-in-a-while treat that I have to have. They are what prevents me from going mad and stabbing people. It's either them or smoking again.)

Have you ever really looked at an ingredients list?

Working where I do, I get to see them all the time.

It scares me how some people are oblivious to serving sizes when reading ingredients. They seem shocked when they see a can of soup with 1009 grams of sodium per serving. Tell them that a can is two servings and then you see their jaw drop.

They actually believe that the numbers the company is showing them is the whole truth. The numbers are right, but check out the average serving size. That bag of chips? About 12 servings.
(Once again - Donuts are above the law when it comes to serving size. )

Take a look at a Hungry-Man Dinner - boasting "Over a pound of food!" it's 455 grams - 1 gram over a pound. They aren't technically lying, but they are counting on people's ignorance and gullibility.

Thank God I haven't been eating any of that crap.

So I take a little longer to pick stuff up at the store now, and I'm usually seen squinting at some can or package. But in the end (and around the waist) it's all worth it.

Later.

All You Need Is Love...

Valentine's Day.

When you are to take the feelings you are supposed to have all year and cram it into one day of whatever you can come up with.

It's 50% creativity and 50% desperation.

Ever see that episode of The Simpsons when Apu goes apeshit for Manjula and makes every other guy in Springfield look like a schlub?

That's what Valentine's Day is.
It's all about overcompensation.

I always preferred Homer's way of thinking: "Marge, we're getting some drive-thru and we're doin' it twice!"

That bald Casanova...
He's my inspiration.

Later.

The Tragic Demise Of The Double Folded Bag.

When I was doing my Front Counter Service training at The Arches (oh so many years ago) there was one thing that was relentlessly drilled into our young teen-aged minds.

It's all about Presentation, baby.

When you handed that bag to the customer, be it over the counter or through the window, it had better be double folded and the logo should face the customer. Not only were you handing them their food, you were presenting them a branded package that was also going to keep whatever they had ordered in it's best shape for the journey. The double fold was like a magic insulator that helped to keep the burger warm and the fries golden brown.

Ah, The good 'ol days.

I wonder what happened to them.

Standards must have slipped, because whatever food service place I go to now they just seem to crumple the bag and hand it to you. They no longer care about the final look of the product. Once they have your cash they forget about closing the deal. They don't even care if the food stays hot - I've had food handed to me in a wide open bag, with all the precious heat and moisture venting out the top. (The meal would have been lost if it wasn't for my considerable folding skills.)

I long for the days when presentation mattered and people had pride in the product they served. The loss of the Double Fold may not seem like much, but it's a fearsome harbinger of what is to come.

- And it has to be a fold.
Rolling the top of the bag? That's just fucking lazy.

Later.

Old Reliable

In this world of FoodTv, haut cuisine and celebrity chefs, I'm astounded to see how many people still get down with the ol' Mac & Cheese.

At Work I witness it's power on a daily basis. It doesn't matter if it's frozen, deli made, or straight from the box, people eat the stuff like it's the food of the Gods.

I can't stand it myself.

I have eaten it in the past, but only as a means of last resort. Believe it or not, the few times I have had to eat it, I prefer the box stuff over any-one's homemade. (I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings Mom, but it's the truth.) People add strange shit to their homemade stuff, and that makes it even more unbearable.

I've seen people try to camouflage it's taste as well. Dump ketchup on it, add diced tomatoes to it, put cut up hot dog in there, whatever works. My question is: Why? If it tastes so shitty, why are you eating it in the first place? And suck it up, it's a box of macaroni, not filet mignon. Don't bother trying to dress it up.

And I can say that it's not a class thing, either. I've seen poor people holding a box and looking at it like it was the finest meal they are going to have, and right behind them is an obviously loaded guy buying half a case. It takes all kinds.

I'm sure it must just be a matter of convenience. A quick and easy meal that you can just choke down.
Please don't tell me people eat it for the taste.

I don't think I can take the thought of that.

Later.

Justification.

I can smell a donut from 150 yards away.

They are my greatest nemesis.

They are an enemy, a lover, an abusive relationship with mindblowing make-up sex.

I can't seem to stay away.

I think the whole basis I have for repeatedly going to the gym is so that I'm able to periodically eat Donuts and not weigh 350 pounds. That's it. Forget the health benefits and the fact that it's just good for you. I do it so I can eat sugary glazed crullery goodness. It's on par with smoking while you play sports. ( I used to do that too. Ask the Sidekick.)

I have Trivia for mental masturbation.
I have Poker for competitive masturbation.
I have Donuts for appetite masturbation.

And we all know what the right hand is for...


Holding Donuts.
(With a firm grip.)

Later.

Laughing My Ass Off.

The Sidekick mentioned a show called Robot Chicken the other night.
I was curious and bored (a dangerous combination) so I decided to check it out.

Funny Shit.

Some of my Favorites:

• Calvin and Hobbes.
• Grand Theft Mario.
• Star Wars - (If you will only watch one, make it this!)
• Transformers.

Thanks Buddy, I'll be watching YouTube all night now.

Later.

No Parking.

Let's give Rats the credit they deserve.

Put those little fuckers in a maze with a piece of cheese and sooner or later you are going to have a happy, well fed Rat.

Maybe Rats should be parking our cars.

I find that anytime I go into any parking lot in town, it's a clusterfuck. People are going the wrong way, trying to put a F-350 into a "small car" zone, and generally just causing mass chaos. My blood pressure rises just watching these assholes at work.

It's because people are fucking lazy.

Is it really that troubling to have to walk a little bit farther to get to the store you want to go to? Do you feel it's imperative to hold up all the traffic behind you so you can wait for that person to give up their spot? It's okay if they were just backing out, but to sit there and wait while they put their belongings away, put their kids in the car, find the keys and eventually back out just so you don't have to park one lane back is retarded. (Oh, sorry - if you were retarded you'd have that primo spot already, right?) Just let the spot go and move on. You'll get it another time, cowboy.

And don't get me started on entrances and exits. With the amount of people I see entering through the exit, I'm amazed anyone gets pregnant anymore. (You see what I did there? The parking/sex analogy? God I'm good.) I guess that big white arrow painted on the ground just isn't direction enough.

We should leave it to the Rats.
A bit of cheese in each parking spot, and all the cars would be lined up neatly.

Probably be a bitch on the upholstery though.

Later.

Overload.

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Out Of Sync.

Sometimes it only takes a little thing to throw my day out of whack.

On my days off, I have a routine. It varies slightly, but basically I do the same things each day in regards to domestic chores and things I have to take care of.

When something comes in and throws that routine out the window, it takes me a bit of time to recover. Not long, because I'm adjustable, but it really pisses me off. Then I get mad because the routine was ruined.

When it comes to work, I'm flexible and easy going. It seems that it's only in the home life that I am so rigid. I guess I just like to have everything a certain way. (Trust me, I know this makes me a joy to be with.)

Does everyone get like this?
I can't be the only one.

Obsessive-Compulsives Unite!

Later.

"Caught A Bolt Of Lightning..."

"Cursed the day he let it go." - Nothingman - Pearl Jam.

Last week the Sidekick had a present for me.

It was only right that he would give me a gift. I had just lost to him at Poker (a rare occurrence), and by my accounting, he owed me something.

He had just purchased the Official Bootleg of the Pearl Jam concert we went to on September 2, 2005. All 29 songs in glorious digital sound.

I hadn't really had time to listen to it until tonight.

It brought me back to the moment that converted me. The raw sound, the energy and intensity - it was all there. I could almost taste the beer. The only way I could replicate the exact moment would be to find the highest seats as far away from my stereo as possible. (The Sidekick knows what I'm talking about.)

If anyone else has a chance I suggest they go and purchase it right away. (Yes, I said purchase - who'd a thunk it?) If you listen closely, I think you can hear the Hetro-Life-Mate and I screaming our heads off.

Good Times.

Later.

Yer Not The Ocean

It amazes me how there are some people out there in the world who believe that the universe revolves around them.

(They should know better, it revolves around me.)

To work with these types of people is a very infuriating experience. No matter how your day is going, their day is always worse, or better, or whatever. They have absolutely no interest in anyone but themselves. They don't care about any situation except how it impacts them.

I'd like to stab them in the eye with a pencil.

Would that be selfish of me?
(But then the ambulance and police would be all about them, and they would just be doing it all over again, wouldn't they?)

Maybe I'll make it a dull pencil.

Later.

Things I've Learned...

1. The more that I have to say, the harder time I have saying it.
2. Being beat by a higher kicker is like being slapped in the mouth with a handful of pork fat.
3. No matter how well you prepare, if you have children, eventually one of them will throw up on you. Twice.
4. When Spongebob starts to make sense, it's time to turn the T.V. off.
5. The Internet may seem infinite and vast - but there's only 10 sites I like to go to. The rest is either encyclopedic or a car wreck. You decide.
6. I'm tired of laundry. I want the futuristic disposable zippered jumpsuit. Now.
7. The more I want to see a Super Bowl game is inversely proportionate to my ability to be able to watch said game. (Had to work, missed it all.)
8. That just seeing a picture of a Starbuck's cup will make me want to have a Grande White Chocolate Mocha. Guess what I'd like for a topping.
9. The more work that I have to do - the more people want to talk to me about nothing.
   
10. That thanks to the Sidekick making me attend a Hip concert, I can now pick out Gord Downie's whiny voice whenever it hiots the radio. (Damn Canadian Content laws!)
    

Spring Cleaning

I'm aching for warmer weather.

For those who know me and my pasty white flesh, that is a telling statement.

But I'm not in it for the tan. I don't relish the thought of the sun scorching me - I tend to go up in smoke like a Vampire in the movie Blade. ( Is it acceptable to reference a movie from that long ago? Whatever - it's the truth.) It's just that I'm aching for my Spring Cleaning.

The random accumulation of crap from November to February has driven me insane. My self-declared OCD can't handle the disarray. I look longingly to the time when I can going into my garage and just start throwing shit into the back of the truck for a recycling/dump run. As is, I found myself scrubbing the laundry room floor yesterday, periodically stopping to survey the garage and mentally prepare my plan. (Let me get something straight. Most people don't consider my garage that messy. I can get the vehicle in there with lots of room to spare. But I like to have a place for everything and everything in it's place.)

I'm tackling small tasks to get warmed up. Today I went through my bookcases and cleaned and sorted any untidy areas. I found myself at the DVD rack individually wiping DVD's and decided I was being silly. (I'll finish them later.)

I can feel the itch begin.
Spring can't come fast enough.
Someone hand me a broom.

Later.

From Hero To Zero.

I used to be fat for a reason.

It's not like I'm skinny as a rail now, but I'm way less than I used to be.

When I lost all that weight (about 3 years ago) the main thing I did was change my diet. The biggest change to my eating and drinking habits was to stop drinking pop. I was a mass consumer of Vanilla Coke. (Fuck all you haters - Vanilla Coke was Good.) All that sugar went straight to my chubby ass.

As soon as I cut out the pop, I started dropping the pounds.

I enjoyed pop, and I did miss it. The worst thing was to have to drink Diet Coke. It was the only available sugar free cola at the time, (Don't you dare call Pepsi a cola - that's just wrong.) but drinking Diet Coke was like having someone piss in your mouth while stealing your money. I hated the aftertaste. When they released Diet Coke with Lime I was able to stomach a little bit, mainly because the Lime taste covered up that horrible flavor.

But there was no alternative to "real" pop. I would watch people chug down gallons of Coke with a strange mix of lust and rage. I just couldn't go back to that sugary syrup, no matter how awesome it looked.

That's when I discovered Coke Zero. I've liked it since I've tried it, and it's a great alternative to drinking Diet Coke. No Sugar, no calories, but there is flavor. People either love it or hate it, so it's almost the same as when I drank Vanilla Coke.

The other thing I've noticed is that I always check out the sugar and calorie contents of everything I drink now. I never would have done that four years ago. If something looks good but is full of sugar, I'll stay away. I've even turned down Beer on the odd occasion, so it goes to show you that not only have I lost weight, but my mind as well.

Please don't talk to me about the caloric content of my Tim Horton's coffee. I don't want to know, and until they have a Tim Horton's Zero, I ain't giving it up.

Later.

Top Twenty

The Top Twenty songs on my iPod, as listed by times played.

1. Go -Pearl Jam
2. Uprising Down Under - Sam Roberts
3. Other Side - Pearl Jam
4. Hello, I'm in Delware - City & Colour
5. Comin' Home - City & Colour
6. In Your Honor - Foo Fighters
7. Dissident - Pearl Jam
8. One And The Same - Audioslave
9. Save Your Scissors - City & Colour
10. Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer
11. Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town - Pearl Jam
12. This Could Be Anywhere In The World - Alexisonfire
    
13. We Dreamed In Heist - Anberlin
14. Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
15. A Bad Dream - Keane
16. Here It Goes Again - Ok Go
17. Nothingman - Pearl Jam
18. What If I Do - Foo Fighters
19. So She's Leaving - The Trews
20. I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor - Arctic Monkeys

That even surprised me in a couple of places.

Some of them I guarantee are because of my "Workout" playlist at the gym.
Others? Who knows?
I like what I like and I listen to it often.

Later.

(Can't wait to see the Sidekick's comments to some of these. Bring it on Bitch!)

Chatterbox.

I like Talk Radio.

Sports talk radio to be specific.

The only time I ever get to listen to it is when I'm in the car. If you take the amount of times I'm in the car and divide it by the number of times that they are talking about something I want to hear - you'll have yourself a very small number.

Which makes it all the more infuriating to have someone or something interrupt what I'm trying to listen to. They finally get to a point or topic that I've been waiting for and inevitably somehow someone else in the car starts talking to me. I can't just turn around and tell them to shut up; it's not in my nature. So I try and tough it out - listening to two conversations at once and not really catching anything substantial from either.

It's a no-win situation.

I long for the day of the Universal Remote - when I can mute anyone I want.

Later.

Anger Management.

How do you deal with anger?

Some people scream and shout, others stay silent.

The way I react depends on exactly who I'm mad at and what I'm mad about. If it's someone at work and I have to use the social niceties that work requires I am polite but firm. If it's out in public I can be loud if it's called for.

And then there are the times that you just clamp down on the anger, form it into that hard little ball and swallow it down with copious amounts of our friend Jack to the right. Sometimes it's for the best, as blowing your stack at the wrong moment is not a pleasant experience for anyone.

But as long as you deal with it, everything is okay.

Until the next time some fucker pisses me off again.

Later.