Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Sorry for the lack of posts, I know all 2 of my faithful readers must be disappointed.
I'll do a post tomorrow, just been really busy with work and stuff.
What should I write about? Why don't you let me know and I'll write. Ask me my opinion on anything, and I'll let you know what I think. If there's no comments then I'll go back to my usual shit. Isn't THAT a threat?

Paradise is...

1. Sleeping in as long as you want.
2. Waking up to the most mind-blowing hummer known to exist.
3. Rolling over for a half-hour nap.
4. A shower hot enough to boil an egg in 3 minutes. You're in for 15.
5. The Grand Forks Breakfast (French Toast Style) waiting for you.
6. A stroll along the Seawalk, admiring all of God's creations, their bikinis, and some of that nature shit too.
7. Relaxing on your back deck with a coffee, a good book, and the second best hummer you've had all day.
8. A late afternoon lunch at a sidewalk cafe, admiring the scenery that walks by. (Possible encounter with sexy waitress, and the bill's taken care of.)
9. Reaching in your pocket and finding $25 you didn't know you had.
10. A steak dinner , grilled to perfection. I'm talkin' a manly steak, like half a cow.
11. Watching one of your all time favorite movies, newly released on DVD, with extra commentary previously unheard by human ears.
12. The rest of the evening having the type of sex that would make God himself admit that he's not sure the equipment was made to take that kind of prolonged use.

Was my day anywhere close to what's described above? Not Fuckin' likely.

I Feel...

1. That some days just getting out of bed should be declared a victory for mankind.
2. That who ever invented and perfected coffee should replace God as the central figure of our modern religion.
3. That all things being equal, fat people use more soap.
4. That "when in doubt, just pick C" can't be applied to global politics. (The GW rule.)
5. That the secret to great parenting is the liberal application of the "5 second rule"
6. That Han shot first, he was right to do so, and he should do it again should the situation arise.
7. That on a scale of one to ten, I'd have to pick Yellow.
8. That all every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.
9. That 2 out of 3, I'm the guy to do the job.
10. That it's better to burn out than to fade away. ( Says the guy who's semi-transparent as we speak...)

Sick

Feel so shitty.
I have the Flu, which I got from the Boy.
I feel slightly better than he does, which is to say that I feel like I've turned my insides out in homage to the porcelain gods.
Not much to say, stay tuned in until next week.
Same Bat-Time
Same Bat-Channel.

"Kickin' it Ol' Skool"

Just got GTA San Andreas for the X-box a couple of days ago and after playing for a while, I have some questions.

1. Is it wrong that in the game, I'm a ripped, badass black man who deals street justice swiftly with my homies and my mac-10, and in real life I'm white, chubby, don't even own a gun, and would report swiftly to the law a simple driving infraction?
2. Are black people upset about all the white kids wanting to be black? First we steal their music, then our teens ripp off any fad that makes them appear black, and now we are pretending to be black in a video game?
3. Are there any black kids out there saying "Why do I want to play this game when I can just go out on the street and do it in real life?" That would be like me buying a game where you made this guy sit at a computer all day long.
4. You know if there was a game with a buff Mormon guy coming back to exact revenge on the gangs who threw him out of Utah, all the while marrying as many women as he can, while trying to one-up his neighbor who just appointed deacon at Temple, there would be NO blacks buying it. There would also be screams of protest from Salt Lake City. Yet no outcry from the black community. Are they just more laid back , or do they really give a shit?

Just some observations I've had.

No I'm not racist.

No I'm not from Port Alberni

Yes I like the game.

Verbal Diarrhea

Here's the problem: public radio.
At work I am forced to listen to the local FM stations, there's 2 in town, shitty and shittier. I have a big enough beef with the Canadian radio industry on the mandatory playing of Canadian content, but if you have to play any kind of music, at least make sure it's good music. Be it rap, rock, pop, folk, it doesn't matter, these local stations have the talent for scraping the bottom of the barrel no matter what the genre.

Some of the stuff that musical artists try to pull off amazes me. (Note I say "musical artists" and not musicians, that's like apples and oranges.) I hate the lazy lyrics. "Na-nah Na-na-na-na"? What kind of shit is that? If you have something to say, say it. If you run out of words, end the fucking song. Even James Brown fell victim to this. "Heeeeeeyyah"? Come on James, don't cop out, write a real lyric. It's not just soul music and eighties shit either. Rap / Hip-hop is just as guilty. How many rap songs have a part where all they're saying is " Uh-huh, yeah, come on' " Kind of lazy considering all you are doing is talking in rhythm to the beat.

And why do the stations insist on playing the same songs over and over again? I swear to God, it seems that, to the local station, Neil Young only wrote one song : Southern Man, and Lynyrd Skynyrd only had one as well: Sweet Home Alabama. I mean really. This is just one example, there are thousands more. Play a Fuckin' b-side already! There are normally 12-15 songs on an album, why play the same one over and over. I can understand somewhat for those one-hit- wonder bands, but for artists that have been around for years? Eric Clapton wrote more than just "Tears in Heaven"

Now I'm not an elitist musical snob like some people I know, and just because I grew up in the eighties does not mean that I think that that eras music is the greatest, in fact, I think 98% of eighties music is shite. I appreciate all music, except those that "The Man" tells me I have to like "Just because they are Canadian." I'll support good music, no mater where it comes from. If a good band is out there and they happen to be from Canada, great. But I will not be force fed shit like Brian Adams and Shania Twain and told that they are great artists and wonderful Canadians. And Celine Dion? I wouldn't waste crusty ear wax on that Shrieking Whore.

But until my plan for world domination is fully realized, I'm at the mercy of public radio.

"When Lord? When's My Time?"

What's Your Kryptonite?

Of course the Uber-geeks who read this know what I'm talking about. What is that one thing that is your complete and utter weakness? And if left unfettered could lead you to your doom?
Now there is different types of Kryptonite, for those of you who have not read an old Superman comic, there was Red Kryptonite, Green, Gold, Blue..Etc. So I believe that there can be different types of Kryptonite for us as well. I will list some of my own, just don't let the list fall into the wrong hands..

• Women - Of course this is most guys #1 pick, and I'm no exception. It's a weakness that you can't control or explain, and it causes you to do and say things you could never imagine. Doesn't matter if you have one, you want more, and therein lies the problem, the catastrophe waiting to happen, that can tear your life and mind apart. I'm not sure what color this Kryptonite is, but it's the crack like substance (no pun intended) that would knock ol' Supes on his ass and leave him beggin' for more.
• Pastry - Yeah I know, after going on with the big dramatic women speech, I'm talkin' about pastry? Come on, you know what I mean. Be it danish, long johns, cinnamon buns, whatever, If it's light and flaky and covered in some form of sugar, I'm all over it like a fat man on a donut... Bad example. Those sweet little confectionery have blown many a diet for me.
• Smokes - I have not had a cigarette in over three years, not counting when I was really drunk on Joey's birthday. But damn I miss it. Like a wino misses screwin' off the top on a fine chardonnay, I miss smoking. It was such a big part of me for so many years, and I'm not talking about a tumor in my lung. I loved to smoke. I knew it was bad for me, the taste was not all that great, and I had to smoke a pack a day to get that "first cig" buzz that you have only once and then chase for the rest of your life. But smoking was always there for me. Had a bad day? Go have a smoke and you'll feel better. Mad? Have a smoke while you cool off. Want to impress that chick? Flick out your zippo and show her your Andrew Dice Clay impression. Smoking was not an addiction, smoking was my friend.

I know there's more, but I'm too sick of analyzing myself to think of them.

So what does it for you.? What's that chink in the everyday armor you cast around yourself? Bad music? Horrible addiction to porn? ( now what's horrible about that?) Just can't get enough of Boy Meets World? Let me know.

Bright Lights, Big City

Now I don't normally comment on the news but you have to read this article.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2005/06/08/1077793-cp.html

Now I have always said the Vancouver was a city that I would not chose to live in, I never said it was a shitty place to live, but C'mon, in the streets?
And what does the Health Authority have to say?
"Defecating and urinating in the street is not something that's healthy for individuals."
No Shit, Sherlock...Wait, correct that. He then proceeds to say how dangerous the risk of salmonella is. Strait up brother, what about the risk of damage to my Pumas? How do you treat a human shitstain on your Jordans?
They feel that the problems of homelessness and drug abuse are to blame. Really? I figured it could have been some rich snob living on West Georgia who just decides to shit in the streets as to not have that Corn-on the Cob smell in his 2 million dollar condo, not some dirty old bum squatting by a dumpster out back of the White Spot.
The discussion then goes on to the topic of public toilets and the pros and cons of such. A big worry is the misuse of the toilets by junkies.
"But now I think we've come to a point in Vancouver where we have to act. The public need far outweighs those concerns. These units are going to be automated and will have a time limit on them. And really, people are going shoot drugs wherever they want."

This is from the city of Safe-Injection Sites, and free methadone. Kinda hypocritical to have Safe sites if people will shoot up wherever they want, eh? What's the point of it all? Why not just hand out a needle and a roll of ass-wipe to each junkie and tell them to let'er rip, "Smoke 'em if ya got 'em"

The reason I'm not in public politics is because I would fucking lose it at the press conference on stuff like this.

"What's your response to the homeless people and drug addicts defecating in the streets?"

"Eat more fiber"

Know Your Role

Bish , I swear to God, never has one comment made me laugh so much.
Please continue to be one of the regulars to check this blog. It's all about the back and forth.
Dlae

If you don't have anything nice to say...

It must be my face.
I must have one of those faces that just screams "Tell me more"
I have no idea why people (Customers) feel the need to tell me the most intimate details of their life when purchasing a product.
Case in point. " I need to get Epsom Salts for my rash, The doctor said I should soak my posterior in the tub for a little bit each night."
"I'm buying these groceries because my cousins-uncles-former-best-friends-roommate-who-I-don't-really-like-because-she's-a-manipulative-bitch-who-smokes-and-curses-but-she's-only-in-town-for-two-days-to-testify-at-her-child-custody-hearing is coming over for dinner."
I don't care.
I'll assist a customer in anyway I can, within the context of the grocer/customer relationship. If you need a suggestion for an entree or dessert and would like to tell me what else is on the menu so I can best help you, fine. I don't need to hear the intimate details of why you are cooking an "I'm sorry" dinner for your wife, regardless who or what you stuck your dick into that got you in trouble in the first place.
On a similar tangent, people who stop and talk to other people (customers) in the store. Please realize that even though you are talking to only one person, if you keep using your BIG BOY VOICE, we can hear you on the other side of the produce section. I guess passing that secret along and asking your buddy to keep it on the "down low" is pointless after you've broadcast it in a public place.
But don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

I find your lack of faith....Disturbing

Just did one of those internet quiz things, and it called me a modernist. That's one of the people who believe that science can and will prove most things, that there is a rational explanation for most questions (except the fat chick - spandex one, see previous post.), and basically saying I believe there is no God.
I'm on the fence on that one.
On one hand it would be an amazing coincidence that from swirling gas and cosmic dust you can have things like mountains and trees and hummingbirds and Tim Hortons Coffee, but if there is a God, then why the crack-whores and serial killers and sad, lonely people who hang out at the local McDonald's all day long drinking coffee after shitty coffee.
I think there is a God, He's just doing a really shitty job.
Like a newbie left to run things by themselves with no guidance, no matter how lucky, bad shit's gonna happen, and if you just look the other way and ignore it, then it will get better on it's own. (Or so they hope.)
Somebody needs to do a evaluation on this supreme being, but who? He's got no boss, unless God's got a wife, and in that case she's probably bitching at him enough as it is.
("Why did you put the Israelis with the Muslims?" "I think that there should be more kittens!" "Let me design another animal, didn't you see how well my platypus turned out?" "Why did you invent silicone? Are my breasts not big enough?")
Poor bastard.
Am I having a lapse of faith?
Does it really matter?
Or am I just way to tired to care?

Question Period

Answer me this... Why do the poorest, dirtiest people you see (at least in this part of the world) always seem to have a dog for a pet. I mean it's got to be hard enough finding shelter, food, booze and crystal meth for yourself, forget about stuff for the dog. How do you split it up?
"Let's see, I've got 3 moldy potatoes, a bit of rancid beef and some dirty water from a storm drain. What's Patches gonna eat?"

Of all the women you see this time of year, why do the fat ones always wear the spandex?
Lets be realistic, does nobody have a mirror anymore? Do you not notice that you have to stuff your cellulite into the legs on your shorts like a chef stuffs a turkey? Except the truth - Diet Coke is not the answer to your problem, put the hot dog down and go for a jog.
Or a run.
Or a walk.
Just not to the Dairy Queen.

Commitment

I thought it would be easy.
I thought the words would flow like water from the river that is my brain.
I thought I'd have all kinds of time to write what I want, when I want to write it.

Bullshit.

Try working a full-time job and having a child as well. My days are not my own anymore.
I'm either workin' for the man or watchin' the child. I didn't land on Plymouth rock, shit landed on me. (Wait, wrong metaphor, oh what the hell.)
You know I wanted to be able to write some of the observations and thoughts that I have from time to time, but I usually have those at work, and by the end of the day, I've lost them. Good stuff too. A-list shit, not like the drivel I'm writing now. What did I write about the other day? TEETH, yeah that's it TEETH. who writes about teeth anymore, It's not hip and edgy, nor witty and insightful, but noooo, I have to write about teeth.

I need some new material.

I need to drink and tell you the results.

This Place is Falling Apart.

Just got back from the dentist. Had some work done, still have some more to go.
You know I was one of those people, when I was younger, who would not take care of their teeth for months, and just before the dental checkup, I would give 'em a good scrub, and the dentist would proclaim what lovely teeth I had.
Add 15 years of smoking and rapid, frequent consumption of sugary soft drinks.
Quit the smoking, quit the sodas, and my teeth were looking like shit. Seriously they were quite embarrassing. What to do? I have to get them fixed. I think that it makes a big deal, especially to the opposite sex,when you have a great smile and that had been missing from my arsenal for quite some time.

Maybe when all is said and done I'll post a picture. Or maybe not.

A little off the sides

I have a plan.
Last year in July I weighed 218 pounds. I felt like shit, did not feel good about myself, and just hated the direction I was going in. Then I went on the South Beach Diet. It worked pretty well, I lost some weight, started going to the gym, and was feeling good. I dropped down to around 175 pounds. Then in April I decided for financial reasons to give up my $28/month gym pass and just "do the diet and nutrition" thing. Big mistake. I kept succumbing to temptation and eating the wrong foods and with no set structured exercise, I'm now back to about 185. I think I'll stop the train wreck before it happens. I think that after my birthday, I'll go for the gym again. I really enjoyed it and it made me feel better about myself.
Hopefully I get the results I want.

This is how I roll

Been quite busy lately, what with work and family stuff. The boy has been acting up, which can get kind of frustrating, but he's usually such a good kid that when he does get a little out of sorts, it seems really bad. He's got a cold, so that doesn't make anything better.

My brother called tonight, just wanted my new address to send my birthday card. Yep I'm gonna be 33 next week. It's not so bad, cause I'm a twin and that means I get to share in the depression that is growing older. I don't know what I want or what I want to do for my birthday. I have to work that day, so there's not gonna be any golf or anything, and I have to work the next day, so no partying that night.

I am really itching to go out again. I had such a good time at Joes birthday, it was a good evening all around. There were plenty of opportunities if you know what I mean, although I did not avail myself of them. I think half the fun is knowing that there's somebody out there who in someway finds you attractive. It's that "still got it" vibe. Makes you feel good. As someone great probably once said, catching them is fun, but the real thrill is the chase.

Well I saw it....

So I got to see Revenge of the Sith last night. Got home about 3:00am, was still kinda wired about the whole thing. I thought it tied things up quite neatly,and threaded together the first three movies into the original trilogy. Great grandiose effects and everything you expected the movie to be, including the inevitable cheesy dialogue and slightly uncomfortable love scenes between Natalie Portman & Hayden Christenson.

On another note, the previous days maudlin writings were due to an ex coming back into town. I did not get to see her but just heard from a mutual friend that she was here. I did not try to contact her, although the thought did cross my mind. You have to understand, I have thought about her almost every day for the past 8 years. I may feel like opening up, and relating the story at a later time, we'll wait and see.

So Sleepy...

Zack was in the room at 6:30 this morning. He is starting to get a cold, which means that I will soon have one too. It's the way of life, not much I can do to stop it.

Last night was fun, Keith stopped by as he's going to do some electrical work on the house. We had him over for dinner and Joe showed up to. It's great when friends from different times in my life get along so well. (I've known Keith since high school, and Joe I met at the Arches afterwards.) We're all going to Episode Three tonight. Yes the midnight showing is on! Even though I have to be at work @ 8:30 the next morning I am damn sure to see this movie.

Maybe I'll do a review, maybe just comment on any hot chicks in the audience...

My Boy

You know there's something to be said for being a dad. This morning I wake up to my son tapping me on the shoulder, saying "Dada" and holding on to my housecoat. The fact that he has to bypass his mother completely to get to my side of the bed is somehow a complement to me. Unless it just means he knows I'll get up, then it means I'm trained well.

Zack ( sometimes called "the Boy") is just over 2 years old and is one of the best things in my life right now. I enjoy him so much, even though he can be frustrating at times. I try to be a good dad, although the only way to measure it is to see how he develops as a person, and right now is to early to tell.

More on Zack later.

Star Wars

Hopefully going to see Star Wars episode 3 on Wednesday. Midnight showing baby! Joe will let me know if it's on or not. If this town lames out and only goes for regular showtimes....Well I'd rather be on Naboo getting sexually harassed by Jar-Jar.

I have a lot of hope for this one. I think that Lucas actually had 80% of this one thought up when he made A New Hope. You know the shit the other geeks have been going on about for ages, Obi-Wan and Vader scrapping it out, the emperor taking over the galaxy, that kind of stuff. I just think that was all he had. The shit from Phantom Menace? He had to stretch it out. I actually think that he started with the idea from 3 and had to work backwards until he had reached episode 1. If A New Hope had been numbered 3 instead of 4, I think we would have had two good movies instead of one good (Sith, hopefully), one so-so and that steaming piece of waste called Episode 1

I'll let you know how it turned out.