Envy

My brother just got a Video iPod.

Until this time, I was not really into the whole iPod phenomenon. I would hear people speak of them, see someone wearing one, and witnessed the rabid ferocity with which it's supporters defend their product on the net.
I didn't really want one.
All that hype, and the price tag was just a bit out of my reach. I figured I would be happier with a lower end mp3 player, and leave all "those" people to their white ear-buds and weird commercials. I know that U2 has an iPod, and if Bono's endorsing it, I know Joey's not going anywhere near it. ( Thus was the extent of my research.)

But I got to hold one in my hands.
I got to examine it closely, and play with it for a while.

Oh God, I want one so bad.

It's a lot more than what I had imagined, and that's not including the picture and video capabilities. It's like sweet music and funky technology hopped in the sack and fucked like bunnies. I would call it "My Precious", and I would hold it and love it and squeeze it all day long......

But I digress.
I'll admit that I was wrong.
In my brief time that I got to enjoy the product, I kept thinking how neat and intuitive it was. It seemed really well designed. Cool features and nice workmanship make a well rounded product.

To Steve Jobs: Nice work, and I hope to get one someday.
To My Brother: If yours goes missing, don't look at me.

Making A List, Checking It Twice...

What's with all the lists?

Always at this time of year, people start coming out with their "Best of" and "Worst of" lists.
Here's a question, Who Fucking Cares?

You know I'm the last guy to bitch about a list of stuff. Hell I enjoy telling you all how I feel in list form quite often. But what drives me nuts is that these lists are everywhere. Every publication has a list, every sect and organization has a list, every fucking retard with an opinion and a form of communication feels the need to tell you how his favorite things stacked up this year. Half the time its all the same shit, or at least the same type of crap as the year before. It's easy to do; check it out.

Favorite Shit From Last Year:

1. Just about every blowjob I received. ( There were a few so-so, but why complain?)
2. DVD's
3. Random Music.

Favorite Shit From This Year:

1. Just about every blowjob I received.
2. DVD's
3. Random Music.

So what's changed? Nothing! Sure, some of the movies and music might be different, but it's still the same list. Why? Because I like Movies and Music, (and blowjobs) that's never gonna change.

The only list that should be acceptable is changes from the norm.

I know you like movies, so don't tell me that shit. Tell me the best new food you tried, or a list of the easiest women you know, or something that will make the list useful to me. I don't care if you liked Harry Potter, millions of other people did too, I get the picture, it's a good movie. But if you tell me the best new dish you tried was scallops and bacon eaten off the ass of a 21-year old personal trainer, then I might be interested in trying that out.

Make sure to keep that in mind when creating your list, and everything should be just fine.

And pass the bacon.

Every Inambition

Why do some people even get out of bed?

I really loathe dealing with people's piss-poor attitude when it comes to work.
Show some drive! Some intensity! I'm not saying you have to be doing cartwheels around the joint, but for Christ-sakes, look like you want to be here.

Are you unhappy in your work? Then fucking leave. I got no time to sit and listen to you bitch about how hard you have it, or how you think the world has shit on you.
Think you can do better somewhere else? Go ahead, walk away. I have no use for you if all you think about is yourself and not the people around you or the company that pays your goddamn salary.

Just because you showed up does not mean I owe you a paycheck. That's why it's called working, otherwise it would be called drop-in-money-time. You are not "doing me a favor" by being here with your shitty attitude, I'd rather not have you here at all, or at least get a trained ape in there to replace you. Sure, the ape will be hurling its own feces around, but it will be doing it with a smile on it's face.

Want to earn more money? Work Harder. Show me that you are worth the investment. Why would I give good money to someone who hates working here as much as you do?
As I said earlier, if you don't want to be here, don't show up. Then I get to can your lousy ass and bring in someone who wants to work.

Like the ape.

Pledging Allegiance

I was reading Hank's blog, and I got to thinking, (I know, it's a dangerous thing.)
What seems to be the fascination some people have with telling the entire world, (or at least the surrounding neighborhood,) who you are planning to vote for?

I thought it was supposed to be a secret ballot.

What's the point of sticking a sign in your lawn and then having to go into a booth and vote?
Do you think that by having that sign on your lawn you are going to change the mind of the people around you?

" I'm troubled on who to vote for dear"

" What seems to be the problem honey?"

" Well I like the way Sam mows his lawn, so I was thinking of voting Liberal."

" But what about how the Thompson's have their Christmas lights? That would make me want to go Conservative."

"Maybe..."

" And then there's the Smiths, their voting NDP."

"Fuck them, their dog shits on our lawn"

Anyone who is swayed by a lawn sign is a waste of what might pass for brain cells.

Inversely, if you don't have a sign, does that mean you aren't voting?

Why aren't you passionate enough about your choices in who gets to run our country to not put a sign out there?

If we all had signs, we wouldn't even have to vote, they'd just send some guys around to count the signs. Biggest total wins. Extra points for signs with pictures, or a really big "X" or check-mark beside the name

I all know is I agree with Hank.

Although he hates the signs because they are Conservatives, and I just hate them because they're signs.

A Difficult Task

I've had hard jobs before.
I've been there when a goal was set, and when others said it was too arduous to do, I did it.
I've fired people who broke down and cried afterwords.
I've had a multitude of things to do at once, and completed them all.

But the hardest job in the world is teaching a 2 year old not to shit in his diapers.

Instead of torturing the prisoners in Abu-Ghraib, they should have had them potty train kids ages 2 to 3.
Trying to explain to someone not to shit their pants when all they've done for 2 years is do nothing but shit their pants is pretty difficult.
I had somebody tell me tonight how much trouble they were having housebreaking their dog.
"Ha! Try teaching a kid" I said. " At least you get to rub their nose in it and hit 'em with a newspaper."
I suggested the newspaper trick to the Wife; she didn't go for it.
She won't even let me lay newspaper on the floor.

The Boy's not dumb. He understands what is going on. He uses the toilet to pee all the time. But doing Number Two on there? No Fucking Way. I have to admit, if I had someone around to wipe my ass all the time, I wouldn't be too thrilled about changing the program either.

Maybe it's because we flushed the dead goldfish down there. Maybe he doesn't want to shit on fishy heaven.
I figured I could buy him off, but if he craps anything like his old man, it's gonna cost me a fortune.

Solutions are what I need.
And please, don't say put a cork in it.

Open Letter To Holiday Shoppers.

I fucking hate you. All of you.
You stand around like cattle, blocking the aisles, and taking up space that could be used by productive shoppers like myself.

I know what I'm getting others.
I have a general idea where that item is located in the store.
I am willing to purchase the item when I pick it up.
So get the fuck out of my way and let me get my shit done!

Each minute that I am around idiotic inbred morons like you I die a little inside.
If you listen closely, the sound you hear is my soul screaming to kill you, and the urge is only being held in check by the sheer force of will.
The fact that you were able to dress yourself and find your way here is a major fucking breakthrough, and I'm sure you are as proud of that fact as I am proud of myself for not picking up and throwing random items at you.

The sight of you fat fuckers lined up at the checkout like pigs at the trough make my dislike for this holiday even more intense. The slack-jawed look you present to the world is enough to make me lose my lunch.

I hate you.
With as much animosity and vitriol as I can muster, let me say it again.
I fucking hate you all.





(God it's wonderful shopping with the Wife at Wal-Mart.)

But Can It Wipe My Ass?

Chatting with others about cellphones tonight.
One of the individuals, (who does not have a cell,) says "I'll get one when is has GPS and a MP3 player, that's what I need."
Nowadays it seems like every commercial for a cellphone touts some new advancement or innovation. First it was ringtones, then cameras, now TV and videos. When is it going to end?
( I have to say I'm a fan of the phone/mp3 combo, just so I have only one device to carry.)

What would you like to see in a cellphone? Any type of outrageous add-on? How far are the companies willing to go to capture more customers?

My forecast for the future:

• Buy the phone, get a blowjob. (Most successful product rollout ever.)
• For the ladies - special "attachment" for your vibrating phone, uses 15 minute ringtone.
• The Dick Tracy wristwatch cellphone.
• Cellphone Gun.- Great for the mean streets of the 'Shwa.
• The Loser cellphone - preloaded hawt chicks numbers, and they've already call-blocked you.
• The DIY cellphone - box of parts, instructions in ancient hieroglyphics.
• The G.W. Bush Cellphone - Just one big button with daddy on speed dial.

Some great ideas, eh? If any of these come out soon I'll know that Nokia's been scanning the blog. Who knows what kind of crap they'll throw out next, and being the consumer whores we are, some jerk-wad will pay big money for it.

Writing this has reminded me, I have to go charge my cell, luckily the wife's vibrator uses the same adapter.......

(She'll be pissed if she reads this.)

It's A Sliding Scale.

Talking with Joe and McQuarrie tonight.
Excellent conversation, good coffee, brewed by challenged people behind the counter. ( Soon we will walk in there and the coffee will be served by monkeys hurling fecal matter.)

I have a new insight into the unemployment problem in this town and many across Canada. Most of the people that aren't working must be horrendously stupid. Because if a major coffee chain such as the one I frequent has to stoop to hiring these type of people, the ones they've turned down must be lacking in gross motor function, or be unable to tell up from down.

Hey now, before you go thinking I'm a bastard, ( and you'd be right, ) I have done hiring and firing for a Major Multinational Corporation. Sure, it was on a small local area, but the same principle applies. Just because they have a heartbeat and the ability to fog up a mirror doesn't mean you should hire them. If they do the above and have a great rack, fine, hire away, but otherwise no go. And this leads us to the following:

The Awesome Rules of Hiring and Firing.

1. The shorter the skirt, the longer the interview.
2. Comments like " no gag reflex" and " gymnast level flexibility" should be duly noted and recorded in file.
3. Document everything, take pictures if they'll let you.
4. If the resume has a coversheet, it's a good sign. If it has a centerfold, even better.
5. Try to avoid questions about "morals" and "scruples" and focus on meaningful stuff like "open relationships" and "bi-curious".
6. If they seem distracted or edgy, offer them a drink of water. If they are hawt, offer some Rohypnol.
7. When terminating the employee, mid-coitus is not recommended. Post-Donkey Punch is even worse.
8. Try to get "one for the road". If that doesn't work, fudge income reports to government.
9. Make sure all paperwork is completed and proper filing is done. Hand out photos and phone numbers to friends.
10. Make sure any reference given is succinct and to the point. "Great Cans" will do just fine.

I think that if most employers would follow just a few simple steps the overall work experiance would be much more satisfactory for all of us.

Future Imperfect

I work with a lot of teenagers.
Not as many as when I worked at The Arches, but quite a few nonetheless.
In speaking to them , as I am wont to do, I've noticed a couple of things:

1. The girls, almost without exception, have their lives planned out for the next 5 years. This includes college or university, and any travel plans they might also have. They have pretty much chosen a career path and have identified the steps that are needed to fulfill that goal.
2. The guys have no fucking clue as to what's going on. No plans, no goals, nothing.

Now, this doesn't really worry me, as I will bow down to our new matriarchal overlords when the time is right, but the fact that none of these guys seem to have a clue astonishes me. I don't think I was that dumb when I was that age, and if I was, it was because I was too busy thinking about pussy. And with the stuff these young nubile young women tell me, these guys are retards when it comes to that area too.

I'm not sure what we can do to stop this flood of slacker incompetents who are going to go out into the world, but from all accounts, at least they aren't breeding.

At least not well.

Synaptic Lag.

You know, I had a great thought going on earlier today.
Couldn't wait to post about it, as I know all of you out there hunger for my opinions and observations.
( Really, I appreciate it, Thanks for coming out.)

Sat down in front of the highly sophisticated piece of plastic that has slowly come to rule my life, and promptly forgot everything I was going to write about.

I tried everything.

I retraced my steps around the house, tried to recall some of the conversations I had today, looked at some porn, you know, stuff that would jog my mind and help me remember.

Nothing worked.

I could have just got up and walked away, I could have tried something else, hell, I could have looked at more porn. But being the guy I am, I figured when there's nothing to post, just post about nothing. Seinfeld was a whole show about nothing, can't I just do one little post?

Is it wrong? Too fucking bad. I'm publishing this piece of drivel and that's that.

Victims.

Ever met a victim?

I don't mean the victim of a crime, or anything fancy like that, I just mean one of those people who feel that the most important thing the universe has to accomplish is to make their life as miserable as possible. And just in case you are slightly doubtful, they will systematically tell you exactly how the cosmos has fucked them over.

Aren't they wonderful?

Nothing makes me feel better about my situation in life than listening to one of these schmucks go off for a bit. Now don't get me wrong, I don't actually care what's happening to them, it's just that normally most of the shit they complain about is so petty that it makes me feel better. My problems are real, theirs are just mini- crisis which help them connect the different time periods of the day, much like you or I would use a watch.

"My boss is the worse boss around. Oh, I know yours beat you and embezzled the employee pension plan, but mine asks me to be at my desk on time! How am I supposed to talk to anyone if that ogre makes me work?"

"Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I know how you feel; I have this hangnail that's been bugging me all day."

Some times these shitheads get so bent out of shape over the littlest thing that it completely ruins their whole fucking day. Something pissed you off at 9am? We'll hear about it for the next ten hours. Or somebody will hear about it, I'll tune you out so fast you'd think The Hip were playing on the radio.

At least these losers help me have a positive outlook on life. But I can't tell them that, they would just be mad about somebody else stealing all their happiness.

Victims.
God Bless 'em.

The Walls Have Ears, Eyes And A Mouth.

What's your reputation?

Good, Bad, or other...everyone has some type of reputation.

In a small town like the one I live in, it's not six degrees of separation, it's like 2.5.
Anywhere you go, someone knows you or knows about you, whether you like it or not.
For a guy, it's not normally a horrible thing, even a bad reputation can be good sometimes.

Have a rep as a hard case? Nobody fucks with you.
Have a rep for being fast and loose with the opposite sex? Everybody fucks you. (Or wants to.)
Have a reputation for not caring about reputations? Then everyone tells you the dirt on everybody else.

Once a bad reputation is established, however, changing it can be a bitch. Most of the time you are either trying to explain or justify past actions, or completely denying total falsehoods that have attached themselves to you. I find that with my reputation (in some circles,) if I did half of the things they say I did, I would be a legend of porn-like status, with no time to eat or sleep because I'm too busy cavorting with obviously loose-tongued women.

But a good reputation is a thing of gold.

If you have a rep for being a hard working guy who thinks big and gives 100% in everything he does, then doors will open for you in your chosen profession. Reputation for honesty and diligence? Keep that puppy fresh, it's a limited quantity nowadays.

But back to the original question: What's your reputation? Do you like it? Good or Bad? Evil? Have you tried to change it? Do you care? Am I going to stop asking things or do I have a hard on for the question mark?

Some of these can be answered I'm sure.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

For the first time in years, I'm actually getting a little bit excited about Christmas.
As I have said previously, I don't really like Christmas all that much. Too much hype and bullshit for my tastes. All the crap with being nice all the time just rubs me the wrong way.

But this year seems different.

The Boy is just about 3 now,( he hits that milestone on the 21st,) and he is so pumped about Christmas. He loves to talk about Santa and the Reindeer and all that shit. It's cool to see firsthand how someone can completely buy into the mythology. It gets me going, and I find that I'm telling him all the stuff I was told when I was younger, and of course giving it my own little twist. ( Everyone knows Santa brings beer and whores for Daddy, right?)

It's to the extreme that I'm putting up lights on the house. Never done that before. Never cared. Now we need lights "So Santa can find our house." The things I do for this kid.

It must be really cool to enjoy everything so much 'cause you are either seeing it or understanding it for the first time. Everything is new and exciting.

And from his point of view, I betcha even chicks with A-cups look like they got huge melons!

Ah... to be young again.

Drunk & Disorderly

So like I said, I went to the Grey Cup.
Started drinking at about 10. In the morning.

Yeah, I'm a retard.

I got so shitfaced I only lasted about 1 Quarter or so.
Started causing a ruckus in the bathroom, and then the cops showed up.
They were going to throw me in the drunk tank, but luckily one of the people from the group I had came with vouched for me, and I was allowed to go back to the bus.

Did I enjoy myself? Hell yeah.
Slightly embarrassed? Oh yeah.

Got back to Victoria and crashed at the hotel. Had a great sleep, and woke up feeling no pain.

There is so much I'm not telling you right now.

I think I'll keep it that way.

One Of Those Days.

Ever have one of those days when you know you have a lot of stuff to do, but just can't seem to get your ass moving?
Today is my day.
I have lots that I have to do, stuff to get ready for the baby, things to get ready for going to the Grey Cup tomorrow, and just some general stuff around the house.
But I really don't feel like doing any of it.
I know that I'll get it all done, it'll just take a mad dash of energy, and a couple of hours of intensive labour.
That's why I'm content to sit on my grande posterior and not do a damn thing.
Procrastination: It's how I roll.

Coffin Nails

It's been 3 years since I had a cigarette.

That's a lie.

It's been 3 years since I smoked regularly, I have had the occasional puff while I was loaded, but never did pick up the habit again.

So why am I talking about this?

As I mentioned here, I'm working in the more "rural" area of town now. Out here, everybody smokes. Guys smoke, girls smoke, teachers smoke, doctors smoke. Hell, I swear I saw a toddler bumming a light from a kid in a stroller. It's like the neighborhood pastime out here. That and playing hide the salami with your next-of-kin.

But the thing that bugs me the most is the smell.
Now just to clarify, not all smokers smell. But the ones who do, reek like they took a shit, wiped their ass with a tobacco leaf, rolled that leaf, smoked it, and kept the ashes in their coat pocket.
It's enough to make you want to slap them.

When I smoked, I was very aware of the odor. I chewed gum, ('cause I deal with the public, and the ladies like the minty-fresh breath) washed my clothes, and if I did smoke in the car, which was rarely, I rolled the window down. I was a clean smoker, not like some of the smelly dirtbags I've seen recently.

But you know what? Sometimes, deep down, at my very core ( right next to where I keep the desire to tag these two,) I really want to smoke again. I miss it. I used to love smoking. The taste, the nicotine high, the social aspect of it, all of the little bits and pieces ( like bronchi) that make up the average smoker.

Would I? Probably not. With a kid already and another on the way, I'm not worried about my health as much as theirs. But I'm the type of guy who said he'd never download movies. ( See previous post.) If my stress level reaches it's maximum, who knows what will happen.

Like a ticking time bomb, we'll just have to wait and see.....

Aaarrrggghhh.

I'm a pirate.
Yes, I'll admit, (unless you are from the RIAA or MPAA,) I do occaisonally download materials off teh Internet that I should have purchased in a store.

What's my justification?

Oh, I could tell you that I think it's wrong to support record companies that are mass producing inane drivel, and I could say that downloading a movie I would not go see in the theatre doesn't hurt anybody, or that paying $20 for a CD with one good song is just sheer stupidity.
Why do I do it?

Because I'm cheap.

I used to be the guy who would listen to the radio and tape that one song he wanted, even if it was only played at 2:45am on a Sunday night. I would be a bag of shit at school the next day, but I got my own copy of "Seventeen" by Winger. Who cares if two weeks later it was being played every ten minutes; I had it first.

Nowadays I use it for research. If I hear a song from a band I like, I'll download one or two more songs, just to see if they are not one hit wonders. If they aren't? Well then, I download the rest of the stuff, ..... like I'm gonna give HMV any of my hard earned money.

I used to just limit my downloading to music. I felt that movies, especially DVD's, were sacrosanct, and should be purchased to support the industry. If I didn't buy their movies, how would they afford all the great CGI that I have come to know and love? But then they had to go and make shitty movies like "Stealth" and "Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3-D" Any industry that can produce steaming piles of feces like that only gets my money for top-quality, worthwhile films.

Do I have any limits to my privateering ways? Who knows. Will the police press charges if they read this? Maybe not. Until then, I'll set my P2P program to the second star from the right, and I'll download until morning.

Later.

Same %$#&!, Different Pile.

So I've been transferred.
What does that mean you ask? Not much of a change of jobs as a change of scenery.
Instead of being 2 minutes from home and being able to walk to work, I'll be 20 minutes by car and out in the "rural" area. Hippies and Farmers, here I come.
The good thing is that I'll be able to listen to music on the commute, and I'll finally be able to contribute to a rant when Joe bitches about what he listens to on the way to work.
The bad thing? Not much really. I'm a little nervous about going there, as I feel that my abilities have been hyped somewhat prior to my arrival, and I just hope that I can fulfill those expectations.

Holy Shit, If I talked about my feelings anymore I'm going to have to grow a vagina.
That would be sweet.....

More input from the outskirts of town later.

Parlez -Vous Fuck You.

There was a post on the forums the other day, asking what people think would happen if Quebec ever seceded from Canada.
The question wasn't really answered, but there was quite a heated debate about succession.
There were some forumites who were from Quebec, and to try to talk to them about the reasons for seceding was like trying to talk to a wall. Not all of them were like that, but the ones who were "into" the separatist movement were pretty die-hard about it.
I did not comment in the forums, mainly because I was so fucking outraged, and I wanted to try and hear all points of view.
One of the opposing people asked "What would you do in an independent Quebec that you can't do now?"
That is the $25,000 question right there.
I feel that Quebec is like the spoiled brat of Canada.
You knew kids like that when you were in elementary school, the ones that had parents that gave them everything, the teacher would dote on them like the sun shone out of their ass, and yet they would still bitch and complain about every little thing. They could not realize how good they had it.
Find any other country in the world that recognizes one of it's provinces, states or territories as "a culturally distinct society" and I'll show you a country just as retarded as Canada has been. Does the U.S. recognize Louisiana as a distinct society? What about Iraq? Were all those Kurds given special treatment because of there cultural differences?. I don't think so.

Why is it that you don't hear British Columbians talking about leaving Canada? We are probably better suited for it then Quebec, (I'm not 100% sure on that, but hey, it's my blog) and would be more economically viable, especially with Pacific Rim trading, and imports.
But you never hear B.C.'ers talk about leaving Canada. I think that's because we look at ourselves as Canadians first and B.C.'ers second. Why is that? The west has been screwed over by Ottawa far more often and more severely than Quebec ever has.

Maybe because I feel so passionately about the issue is why I'll never understand it. But I've met people from Ontario, (who are at the centre of power in Canada,) who feel that Quebec is the spoiled one. Talk to anyone from Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, or the Maritimes and you'll hear the same thing. Hell, you'll probably hear it from some of the anglophones in Quebec.

Now if you have one province saying the rest of Canada sucks and treats them like shit, and the rest of Canada feels that this province should just take the sweet deal they already have and shut the fuck up, who's right?

On the other hand, those whiny, bitchy kids from elementary school? They never learned how good they had it until their parents kicked them out, cold and hungry into the real world.

I Feel : Episode 3

1. That in order to get a driver's licence, your should have to have a neural scan done, just to make sure all the synapses are firing .
2. That if you ever lock your keys in your car, every person you have ever met will show up within 5 minutes to laugh at you.
3. Most people aren't born stupid, a lot of them just work really, really hard at it.
4. That Obi-Wan should have bitch-slapped Anakin earlier on. I mean, waiting and then cutting his legs off? And some people bitch about spankings.
5. That if I had the laser gun that Bish was talking about, I'd snipe people's houses. But I would only ignite their stash of Jiffy Pop.
6. The amazing thing about technology is that everything keeps getting smaller, except TVs, which will soon need there own postal codes.
7. That some of the porn shown on said gigantic TVs will be truly awe inspiring.

Only seven today. Not much time to spare. Help me finish the list.